Brew and Bellow

January 20, 2021 7:59am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 18 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I have bought two interesting things so far this year. 

The first was the sensible purchase of a Nutribullet juicer/blender to facilitate my journey to health and vitality. 

Once it had arrived I went to the supermarket to buy an array of fruits, fat-free yoghurt, and spinach. Apparently, you can put spinach in smoothies. And kale. I just went for spinach because…baby steps. 

How pretty does this look?

And then this happened.

 

My colourful crowd of fruit mixed into something that looked like a bushtucker trial on “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” And if it goes in looking like that then what the hell does it come out looking like? 

Tentatively, I sipped the sludge-like liquid and was pleasantly surprised! Don’t judge a smoothie by its shitty appearance.

I got better at it…

And then I got distracted by making healthy cocktails when I found out this thing can crush ice. 

Juice and Jangle

And then, it all went horribly wrong. I got a bit blasé you see. Look at me, the smoothie queen and cocktail consort!  One finger on the pulse and a thumb on high power. Blend away!  What can I get you? Name your passion, fruit!

Cocky, some call it. 

This thing has a small lid within its lid so you can add things or mix them with the big stick it comes with without taking the full lid off. During a recent lunchtime smoothie, I decided that the brew needed something sweet cos some of these ingredients can’t half make your tabs laugh with their tartness. In a rush to get my nutrients I heaped up a teaspoon of honey and removed the mini lid to drop it in. Whilst it was still on. Whizzing away on full fruity power. 

I dropped the bloody spoon inside. 

There was an incredible racket, a juddering of equipment, and red berry sauce exploded all over the sodding kitchen. My new, freshly painted in crisp white, kitchen now sporting burgundy polka dots and wound style slashes on the ceiling. The stuff was absolutely everywhere. Dripping defiantly from the cabinets. 

Bugger.

When I retrieved the spoon it had chunks of metal missing which meant I couldn’t drink my smoothie.

The blade was somewhat dinted and I thought my fruity days were over and I’d be back on chocolate oranges. However, despite its spoony punishment, the bullet continues to perform. 

Still, the whole ordeal put me in a bit of a mood and screwed about with my biorhythms. Lacking in vitamins and fibre and all shook up by the event I made the mistake of my second purchase.

The Megaphone

Why haven’t I got one of these, I wondered to myself illogically. The days are so long in this house in Covid gaol and a megaphone could bring an awful lot of fun. I’d be able to torment the runners as they passed on my street. They’re bound to run faster with a torrent of abuse being hurled after them so I’d actually be helping with their fitness goals. 

I hop-skipped onto Amazon to have a gander and as soon as I saw that it came with a siren I couldn’t help but click “Buy Now” 

I could go out in my truck and pretend to be “Mask Police” and put the sirens on if I saw anyone flouting the rules. “ON WITH YOUR MASK OR I WILL RELEASE THE HOUNDS” Heh. 

I could make up new and ridiculous rules and yell them from the car, or demand people go home immediately due to a new and virulent strain of idiocy. 

When my megaphone arrived I found that they’d made the handle into a nifty bottle opener. Ooh!  So now I can drink and shout things at the same time! What could possibly go wrong with that?

And then I had an even better idea. I found an app on my phone that makes gunshot sounds.

 

Amplified through my megaphone, I think I just found myself a new car horn!

This might just be the year that I get arrested. 

18 Comments

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What a great name for a pub (do you remember those) the ‘Brew & Bellow’.

Pubs? I have a distant memory.

I thought exactly the same, Rick.

Well, we’re all struggling to find things to keep us entertained during Lockdown, but you are definitely ahead of the curve, Jules.

That’s a very diplomatic way to put it, Masher!

I feel it is my duty to keep ideas fresh 😉

Smoothies tend to concentrate sugar… Margaritas tend to improve your mood… liver and whey shakes may improve your health but if you pass gas (I know you don’t but the wolves, you see), it’s like a thousand pickled eggs and beer – toxic.

If you use the megaphone professionally (instead of just ordering Harrison around), make sure to wear your emergency clown nose. I think that the Clown Church tent revival calls for a bullhorn.

We need to collaborate on a sci-fi book.

Yeah – I heard that, but ya know, it’s fruit. It’s good for me and low calorie! However, I’d take the margarita every time!
Some of them are gross – who puts liver in a smoothie? UGHHHH

Of course, the megaphone goes hand-in-hand with the clown nose – I feel like the clown church is growing without us even trying!

A sci-fi book?! I’ll do my best!

Well it’s all a larf till a spoon falls in the blender.
No matter, one magaphone to rule them all.

Innit, LSP. Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.

And it will be mine!

THE NINJA FOODI!!! you finally got a Ninja Foodi, mah dahlin!

please make me a blueberry smoothie cos…you know…

please make me a pineapple smoothie cos…you know, cos it makes it taste better…

The Megaphone: Bono’s favorite smoothie

the Hounds=the Wolves=the Pack=Mr. Burns

there’s nothing like the sound of crushed ice in the morning…

*)

I DID, I DID!

I should make a smoothie called the megaphone!

Yeah, about 2 am in the morning, my sweet *)

Or you could act like a Teslarati and program obnoxious fart sounds in your bullhorn/car horn!

Hahaha! There are so many possibilities, drjim!

Hilarious! I’d love to be on the same block when you use your Al Sharpton-approved Voice Magnifier to harass a passing Karen. And I promise to bail you out, too.

Hahahaha! Oh, I wish you were, Roger!

You’re a star!

If it takes reading about a Ninja blender and a super powered megaphone just to be near you, then, By Jove, that’s what I’ll do!!
Whatever it takes, My Dearest Julesy. Whatever it takes.

Love Always,
Your PPS😘❤🥰

That’s what I like, Terry – loyalty! You can’t put a price on that! 🙂

I’m now ROTFLMAO at almost Three Thirty in the Morning, if I wake everybody up I’m blaming it on you. I think I need me one of those Megaphones and see how much trouble I can get into before I get arrested too… I’m sure a Go Fund Me Page could Post our Bail… and what entertainment we would have before the Police or the Men with the Straight Jackets showed up. I mean, we’re in Lockdown Extended Stay already, so in actuality, it would just be a change of Scenery.

Right? Honestly, it’s worth the fun. Today on Amazon I bought a lock pick set and a spy pen. Things are going to get interesting!

I hope you didn’t wake anyone 😉

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