Whimsy On A Wednesday
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Dickies Around In The Countryside

April 19, 2017 3:57pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments

Dickies Butchery

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Why the long face?

I went deep into that there English countryside at the weekend, I did. <—- Please say this sentence in a farmers accent if you would, because it sounds better. You’re doing it aren’t you? Oh, the power I have over you…
Anyway, I drove past a field full of horses.
“Stop the car!” I demanded of my mother. “I want to see the horses!” Yes, I am in fact 12 years old.

Chestnut horse

The thing is, horses and I have a bit of a volatile relationship. Whilst being the only English cowgirl that doesn’t get on with either cattle or bobo’s might seem quirky and befitting of yours truly, I thought it time for me to make equestrian amends. I tried to make friends with this horse. I stood my ground on t’other side of the fence and called him to me, “Come hither horsey” I said and made that funny clicking noise in my mouth like cowboys do on telly. Eventually, after much goading he came over. He even allowed me to stroke his long face. I felt victorious. Usually horses and I rub each other up the wrong way with our highly strung and sensitive natures. At last, I had mastered the art of…

Horse whispering

Grey horse

I then left him and went to the adjacent field to stroke this horse. Total confidence. I was now spreading the horse love like a pro. Well, Mr. Chestnut stallion in the other field didn’t like that and began making snorting noises and galloped over to this fine grey beast and I like a drama queen.

“Aww, he’s jealous!” I said.  So, being the kind soul I am I went back to stroke him again. What did he do? He batted my arm away with his head and basically, horse screamed.

I can’t be doing with that kind of attitude. That’s me and horses done. I’m sticking to dogs.

Let’s have a butchers

I shall resist the temptation to say “Bigeth Dicketh” at this point but that’s where I went.  Dickie’s Butchery & Cowshed. What a slice of prime cut this place is!

Not only is this place an artisan butchers shop on a farm in the middle of nowhere, but also a place where you can sit and have a coffee. That’s right, a steaming hot latte in a tin mug made by burly farm boys.  Err.. Goodbye Starbucks, we’re through.  Look at this jewel of a find!  I felt like I’d stepped into a piece of Texas in England. ‘Cept y’all don’t have butchers shops.

 

BBQ

And not only can you have a bit of a cappuccino here, but a home reared bacon and sausage sandwich or prime farm beefburger.  Win.

They even have pop up, outdoor eating events.  *Subscribed*

Dickies Butchery

These butchers out in the countryside take their meat dead seriously.

Dickies Butchery

And their eggs.

Fresh Eggs

But when I saw this little fella playing about in his pig pen it bloody well put me off having a bacon sarnie like that film Babe did.  I should have stayed put in the cowshed coffee barn and just thought of supermarket packaging.

Piglet

And then I went weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, all the way home.

Road to Dickies

Rebranded:  The Urban Cowgirl.  Sigh….

 

 

 

Villlage Lots

April 12, 2017 4:33pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 29 Comments

 

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

 

Village life

I’ve never known a village like the one my mother lives in.

Those of you who frequent this blog may have read about the things that go on there like the annual rubber duck race, playing Sticky 13’s in the pub and all manner of complete and utter madness.

I have contemplated living there on many an occasion because not only is it beautiful but it’s a black comedy reality. All I’d have to do is write an everyday journal and I’d have a script that the best writer in the world couldn’t make up. However, I value my sanity; what’s left of it.

 

What do you do with a spaceman?

Park your car in it, man.

Police were called out to the village recently when the residents awoke to find an upside down motor conveniently parked right in front of the bus stop.

car in village

Owner? Nowhere to be found.

Anybody find this abnormal? Not really.

Will the registered keeper ever be seen again? Chances are he or she will be at the pub quiz later trying to win a packet of malted milk biscuits from Lidl that are still a week in date. They come from far and wide for such delights.

Talking of delights…

 

The Village sale

People in the village and surrounding area are well aware of their personal treasures; and, when there’s not enough coinage in the coffers for a night at the pub, they sell their swag to each other.

 

One man’s junk is another man’s treasure

I’m slightly alarmed by this if I’m honest.  I find it somewhat sinister.   Remember, I’ve met these villagers.

And then there’s the interior design sales pitch from the village witch…

Why?

There’s dry wit and there’s village idiocy.  I’m not sure which category this person falls into…

Next they’ll be trying to sell magic beans.

Taking of beans…

 

Beanz Meanz Heinz

There’s a baked beans cafe opened up in Selfridges, London.  I’m rather impressed at this smart yet simple take on our classic British staple.  This Heinz station have taken beans to a gastronomic, amuse-bouche high where you can now have them sprinkled with scrambled eggs, ham hock, or crispy bacon.  Take a look:

So maybe it’s not just villages that are bonkers after all.  Maybe it’s just this country.

 

 

 

He Doesn’t, She Doesn’t, But Marmite!

April 5, 2017 6:45pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 32 Comments

Marmite news

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Oh the ribbings I’ve endured from my friends’ ‘the Americans’ for eating this ghastly, dark brown yeast paste! Yeah, don’t think I’ve forgotten who you are. Well, how could I forget? As a staunch Marmite supporter and lover my brain is in fine fettle. Researchers have found that Marmite helps boost brain power and stave off dementia. So, when you’ve all forgotten who you are and what you’re doing I’ll be stealing your wallets and going on luxury holidays at your expense.

A spoonful of sour helps the medicine go down

Just one teaspoon of this nectar each day and you’ll still be playing pub quizzes into your nineties. Why?
Marmite contains 116 times more B12 (which makes red blood cells and protects the nervous system) than peanut butter. So, you might want to think on because my Marmite beats your peanut butter toast down. Not that I’m going to be childish about it or anything but *licks finger, paints a one in the air and then drops mic and leaves*

Talking of pure gold…

 

A pound ‘aint sound unless it’s change

New Pound coin

New pound coin

Britain has a new pound coin. Businesses everywhere are going insane at having to change all their machines. I had a moment of dizzy excitement when I thought I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym if the lockers didn’t work anymore. Then I remembered that they used a card instead. How stupidly forward thinking of them. Marmite eaters.

Apparently, this new 12 sided piece is the most secure coin in the world. Question is: Will I be able to shoot it in the US and cause a dent like I did with the indestructible fiver? Take a look here and see.

Talking of Royal Mint and the Queens money..

England's smallest castle

England’s smallest castle has come up for sale and I want it. Set on the outskirts of Warwickshire in the beautiful Cotswolds, “Molly’s Lodge” is available for purchase. Who better to live in a castle than me?
This grade 11 building was constructed in the 1830’s by British architect, Edward Bloor. It sits in 0.61 acres, boasting a beautiful garden, limestone turrets, a Victorian cast iron fireplace and a winding staircase. There’s also a separate outbuilding with an office where I could write my whimsy and a one bedroomed apartment so you could come and stay if you wanted to.

Pay it forward, reader

Unfortunately, I haven’t eaten enough Marmite to figure out a cunning plan to snare it and probably only have enough of those gold coins above to pay the bloody stamp duty.

So, I’m looking for a random act of kindness here and I know they exist because it’s happened to me before. Whilst this castle is considerably more expensive than a bottle of wine, it’s a bargain at only £550, 000 and I’d like to live there. Please. A lot. There’s no better way to show your love and gratitude than buying a castle for me.

The Best Job On The Planet

March 29, 2017 4:55pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 35 Comments

Thinking Outside The Box

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Now, I have more than enough whimsy to write about but something else happened yesterday that took precedence.

A Sign from Heaven

As I was working like a little trooper, a series of texts, emails and “tags” on Facebook came through to my phone.  I started to pay attention when they all said the same thing:

“Jules, have you seen this?  It’s got your name all over it!”

“Has it got the Queen’s face on and does it come in stacks?” I replied.

“Better.  Take a look.  You’ve gotta go for this.”

So.  I did.  I checked it out everywhere just to make sure.  I triple checked like the best researcher on Earth.

They’re calling this a job?

Turns out, a company called Thirdhome are looking to pay someone $24, 000 for a three month contract to do this:

Go around the world and stay in their clients luxury homes.  Get paid to do this and have your expenses covered too.  Well hello, sailor…

And  their ideal candidate is….

A blogger.  Tick.

A writer.  Tick.

In fact, a storyteller.  Big Tick.

A vlogger and photographer. Tick.

Someone who enjoys travelling. How many ticks do you want?

Someone who can go away for 3 months at a time.  Hello! Tick.

Someone who appreciates and understands luxury. Tick, Tick and Tick. 

I mean, why didn’t they just call me?

How to get the best job on the planet?

A one minute pitch.  By video.  Oh, and deadline is tonight. No pressure then…

I want this, people.  And y’all know it should be mine so think positive!

Vernal Vivacity

March 22, 2017 12:21pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 22 Comments

Spring Leaves

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Equinox your socks off

The first day of Spring and World Happiness Day coincided this week. To make it extra challenging, the temperature dropped by 7 degrees and it lashed it down with rain. All day long. Thanks America for passing on your east coast storm. That put pay to the new blossom on the trees.

World Happiness Day (whatever that is)

International day of happiness on a freezing, wet and dismal Monday. What is that all about? Since there seems to be some random day for just about anything, I declare today, “Jules Day” How’s that for whimsical? This is celebrated by sending lavish gifts to any Jules you might know. Especially the first Jules that told you. Oh look, that might be me. Failure to acknowledge this day and not dig deep into your pockets will result in extremely hideous karma for the rest of your life.

Double Fault

I ran out of milk. On World Happiness Day. Very bad. I desperately needed a cup of tea. I looked out of the rain splattered window and wondered whether I should just have a hot chocolate. But no. That would not be conducive to my healthy eating plan and the fact I’d been fighting with machines all morning. What I really should be doing is walking to the shop but unfortunately my activities blessed me with a torn tendon in my foot and tennis elbow.

Tennis elbow? You play tennis too, Jules?

No. I don’t. I can’t recall if I got it from sit ups with a kettle bell and a demon fitness trainer standing on my feet shouting “COME ON!” whilst I tried not to puke on my Nike trainers or, from my recent boxing lesson and three rounds with a huge bag. Walking to the shop would ruin my street cred if I limped in public like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. And it wouldn’t be fair to my car.

CAR pe diem

I live on a main thoroughfare. For some reason, like, I don’t know, the council have to spend all their money before April, there were roadworks. My street was jammed. I inched out and gave death stares to vehicles blocking the exit from my driveway. As it happened, a truck driver let me out almost immediately. Win. Except then I was stuck in a traffic jam that led all the way to the shop. However, a few hundred yards up on the right there’s an avenue that leads to a different shop. The only oncoming traffic was a BMW about equal distance away. No road cameras in sight. Game on. Sport mode, full revs and off I went on the wrong side of the road. It was a face off between me and the beemer like a Top Gear special. I got more adrenaline from that than thirty minutes on the cross trainer and made it round the corner without dying; narrowly missing the middle aged lady and her soggy poodle.

Crying? Over milk?

I entered the little local express shop and grabbed some moo juice. Fat free – basically chalk water. As I turned the corner to the till section I saw a man in his late fifties crying his face off. One of the cashiers had come from behind the counter and was hugging him as he sobbed, violently.

I looked around for cameras. Just my luck that I’d probably walked in on some “Surprise, Surprise” TV show where long lost relatives get reunited or something. Sort of stunt they’d pull on World Happiness Day. I got my boxing stance ready incase I needed to deck a TV presenter but it turned out this was for real.

“Oh, hush hush, “ said the cashier as she hugged the man.

“Blah, Blah, Merrrrrrr..” cried the man. Loudly.

After about five minutes the man left. Still crying. The cashier trotted past me back to her position wiping snot off her shoulder with a tissue.

“Is that how you make all your customers feel?” I joked.

Whooosh – straight over her head. No room for humour on World Happiness Day.

“No. He doesn’t like rain. It makes him cry.”

Obviously and inappropriately I burst out laughing.

“No, seriously. It makes him hysterical.”

“Errm…well, you think he might’ve moved from this country then, “ I said. “If he’s gonna cry every time it rains he is at risk of life threatening dehydration.”

“He has……difficulties.” She said the word ‘difficulties’ in a hushed voice as she looked around furtively. You never know if PC language police are in Tesco shopping for milk.

“Oh. That’s a shame.”

“Yes and he has very poorly feet and elbows too.”

I know I shouldn’t have, I wasn’t thinking and I was merely connecting dots. “He didn’t used to go to the gym, did he?”

Exercise With Demons

March 15, 2017 5:14pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

Female Changing Rooms

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

I come here today to tell you the importance of regular exercise and the endless benefits.

The Gym

The Hour of Power

Believe me when I say this is the longest hour or two you will ever experience this is the most important hour you will have in your day. Here’s what to do:

Get yourself a gym partner. Choose wisely. Having a flaky friend who can’t be bothered to get out of her pit in the morning won’t help you. Find a demon. Preferably a young, fit, sporting champion with no empathy button.

Here’s mine. It takes no prisoners.

muscles, training

Up before the cock crows

And I’m not talking about my fitness partner…

Apparently, to promote sickness, mini strokes and mood swings metabolism, higher energy levels and mental illness capacity, going to the gym early morning is the answer. This leaves you the rest of the day to feel like crap burn calories and get on with a full working day.

Arriving at 6.45 am you will note that the gym is full of very stupid people with personality disorders A type, high achievers who are there to become better than they were yesterday. Rubbing shoulders with the elite helps you climb the ladder of personal success. As you can imagine, I fit right in with those sort.

The Establishment

The Gym

Most important. Your gym should be inviting, encouraging and full of torturous high tech equipment. Paying through the nose Investing in a leisure type facility which nurtures health from many angles will pay havoc with you ever trusting anyone again dividends in the future. You can’t put a price on how many bottles of wine you could have bought for that health and fitness.

Car to drive away in, Car diac arrest, Cardio

Cardio, Crosstrainer

Warming up those sleepy muscles on some kind of S&M device a cross trainer or cyco machine static cycle is imperative. Pulling a muscle is a good idea and means you won’t be able to come back for ages at this early stage will mean you can go back to having fun put you weeks behind. And you know that having the honed and toned body of a super model is readily available from plastic surgeons only going to happen if you work hard for it.

Regular Commitment

Fitness Swimming Pool

Make a regular commitment. Your demon fitness partner should encourage a completely insane and relentless schedule daily visits with only Sundays as a day off. A daily routine will soon put you in a suicidal mood  habitual pattern. You can add variety to your workouts by training different areas of your body and like you haven’t done enough already  you may even add a swimming programme to warm down thereafter. Remember that core training exercises are pure evil paramount and feeling like your intestines have been ripped apart working hard on your abdomen will bring fast results.

Diet and Relaxation

Leisure centre cafeteria

Going to the gym is only one part of the picture. Oh whoopy doo. Your diet must be high in protein and low in carbohydrates because eating cardboard is so much fun to help reduce the will to live your BMI.

Granola, fruit and yoghurt

If you have chosen a luxurious leisure centre they will probably have alcohol free healthy bar and cafeteria areas offering shit made with spinach smoothie boosters and low calorie, healthy foods. You can relax in a Nazi Camp health conscious environment and take several more hours to munch through granola and berries eat a vitamin packed breakfast before leaving.

Taking time to relax properly is also important. Going to bed by ten o clock at night since there’s no point staying up and making the day any longer or more boring and getting a good nights sleep even though everything hurts like hell and even if you wanted to have a margarita you’re in too much pain to lift the bloody glass will help your muscles recover, your energy levels improve and have you crying like a baby raring to go by 6 am the next morning.

Leave on a positive note

gym locker

After your training regime always remember to punch thank your fitness partner. After all, they are doing this because they’re psychopathic for you. Try not to limp to the car to bask in the afterglow of your workout and as you drive home like a sanctimonious bitch, smirking at the people who haven’t worked out yet give yourself a pat on the back for your achievement.

Stay focussed

Marcus Aurelius quote

Don’t go back to bed lose your way throughout the rest of the day. You’ll find that after time life’s too short for this you will feel much better and more energetic than you ever have done before. Lose Keep your mind in a positive state and if you feel negative thoughts coming on have some cake read positive statements and encouraging words Like that of ‘Marcus Aurelius’ above, and you too can feel like the Emperor of Rome in no time!

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