Whimsy On A Wednesday
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A Rural Rodeo

May 17, 2017 2:05pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 22 Comments

Colorado Hiking

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I left you all in the lurch last week because I was too busy enjoying myself on my rural rodeo.  Sometimes, a city chick needs a hiatus.  Besides, you can’t miss me if I’m here all the time.

So, I’m back in the good old US of A and here’s what I’ve been up to:

High heels?  Replaced with hiking boots and obviously cowboy boots.

Dior?  Lose it.  Only attracts mozzies.

Hairdryer and straighteners?  Not tonight, Josephine.

 

A pound ain’t sound unless it’s holey.

I arrived in America with new pound coins.  Well, naturally I had to have them shot because I had an idea.

So,  guns out…

Shooting Guns

Blast out the middle…

The New Pound Coin

And make this…

Totally original, one off boot straps with shot up moolah!  Who else has these?  That’s right, nobody.  I’m selling them for several hundred dollars if you want one.

 

The girl gone got herself a horse

Horse riding

My horse confidence has grown tenfold.  At a ranch in Texas, I was taken out to ride and told that first off, I had to go catch a horse.  I nearly died of fright.  I then had to learn to brush its mane and tail, check the hooves and walk behind it.  This wasn’t funny.  That’s called dicing with death.  I then had to tack it up and walk my horse around before getting on and learning more riding skills.  Afterwards, I had to wash my horse down.  I’ve noticed that there’s always a pay-off for enjoying yourself:  Shoot guns – gotta clean them.  Drink margaritas – get a headache. Ride horses – have to wash them.  Life’s very unfair.

At the end of which,  my horse walked next to me without me even holding the reins.  Totally bossed it.

 

Colorado Rocky Mountain High

The mountains were calling so off I went.  Back to Colorado.  This time, Vail.

Vail, Clorado

Colorado

No running.  Really?  You can’t even walk in this place without your lungs collapsing so there’s no danger of running anywhere!  Breathing in the mountains is very difficult and as much as I love this beautiful place, I am in a constant state of anxiety about suffocating.

The North Trail, Colorado

So,  what better thing to do than spend 4 hours walking up and down a mountain on your first day?

But what a view.

I don’t think people who live in Colorado are allowed to be unhappy.  How can you be miserable when you get up and look at this scenery every day?

 

Them dirty old trucks

On a totally separate note, I’m totally done with posh cars now.  I’d happily trade mine in for this one.  I LOVE it.  WANT it. NOW.

Right,  I have a hike to do.  Torture reigns.  I’ll catch up with y’all soon, in the meantime, behave yourselves and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.

 

 

 

 

No Foalin’

May 3, 2017 3:50pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 18 Comments

Horse Riding

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Whoa!

Steady on with the excitement because I can tell you right now I‘m about as whimsical as a dead Duracell bunny.

But, talking of horsey commands…

Just let your feet go clipetty clop

I stayed on my horse and survived. Obviously, since I’m writing here and now. But, you’ll be glad to know it’s not from a wheelchair, though my ability to walk has been severely hampered.

Why?

Riding a horse is like doing squats for an hour on a moving object. Going to the gym is easy work by comparison. Apparently, you can’t just sit on a bobo and lose yourself to the wonders of the wilderness. You are required to work. Hard. You can see why cars were invented.

There I sat, straddled across “Marge” the dapple grey in a field full of children. Kids who were cantering and galloping around without an ounce of fear.

“Yeah, but you can’t make a knockout, Spaghetti Bolognese, can ya, kiddo?” I said to the girl holding onto Marge because she was being stubborn. Naturally, since it’s my horse it didn’t want to behave.

I couldn’t possibly show myself up in front of children as an adult and moral guidance to future pioneers, so, I went up and down in that saddle until I went numb with pain.

Filly girl

That wasn’t all. I steered through cones, walked alongside a plank in an awfully bad straight line and learnt to trot all in lesson one. Not only that, in the second hour, I went on what is known as a “Hack” AKA Trotting through the woods where mad people walk their pitbull terriers and tired, screaming toddlers. Horses just love that.

Did you know that you must lean back when going down hill cos you might fall over the horses head if you don’t? And, you have to stand up in your stirrups (despite insane thigh cramping) when your horse goes for a wee.

Mounting mare

I don’t believe I have ever been so ungainly in all my life. The first time I got on the horse I nearly went straight over the other side and landed on my head.
Getting off was even worse.
“Take both feet out of the stirrups, Jules”
“Both? Don’t I use my left one for ballast?”
“And what if the horse runs off with your foot still caught in the stirrup as you’re getting off, Jules? Then what?”

Nag, nag, nag… sheesh.

I basically fell off. I have seen sacks of coal delivered more elegantly.
I will, however, master the art of being one with a horse if it kills me. Though I’m hoping it doesn’t. At least over here I get a hard hat, which let me tell you, someone like me needs.

Talking of headaches…

Video star

I am currently trying to record myself for some work I’m doing. This involves talking over a video presentation like a boss.

Ha!

27 attempts at the moment and still no recording.

Do you know how hard it is to read without sounding like you’re reading? Can someone explain to me why just at the point of recording I develop a speech impediment?
And, is it OK to have homicidal feelings toward the Amazon delivery man when he knocks on your front door with a parcel mid-recording? Or visitors that knock on your window to get your attention when they can see what you’re doing? Is it wrong of me to kick an inanimate object like the washing machine when it goes into turbo spin mania? Or throw rocks over the wall at the garden centre next door when they have a skip delivered that shakes my house to its foundations mid-recording? Or curse Siri on my phone when he randomly asks how he can help me OUT LOUD for no apparent reason?

So help me God.

Next week I shall be reporting from sunnier climes and may be in a more convivial mood.

Dickies Around In The Countryside

April 19, 2017 3:57pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments

Dickies Butchery

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Why the long face?

I went deep into that there English countryside at the weekend, I did. <—- Please say this sentence in a farmers accent if you would, because it sounds better. You’re doing it aren’t you? Oh, the power I have over you…
Anyway, I drove past a field full of horses.
“Stop the car!” I demanded of my mother. “I want to see the horses!” Yes, I am in fact 12 years old.

Chestnut horse

The thing is, horses and I have a bit of a volatile relationship. Whilst being the only English cowgirl that doesn’t get on with either cattle or bobo’s might seem quirky and befitting of yours truly, I thought it time for me to make equestrian amends. I tried to make friends with this horse. I stood my ground on t’other side of the fence and called him to me, “Come hither horsey” I said and made that funny clicking noise in my mouth like cowboys do on telly. Eventually, after much goading he came over. He even allowed me to stroke his long face. I felt victorious. Usually horses and I rub each other up the wrong way with our highly strung and sensitive natures. At last, I had mastered the art of…

Horse whispering

Grey horse

I then left him and went to the adjacent field to stroke this horse. Total confidence. I was now spreading the horse love like a pro. Well, Mr. Chestnut stallion in the other field didn’t like that and began making snorting noises and galloped over to this fine grey beast and I like a drama queen.

“Aww, he’s jealous!” I said.  So, being the kind soul I am I went back to stroke him again. What did he do? He batted my arm away with his head and basically, horse screamed.

I can’t be doing with that kind of attitude. That’s me and horses done. I’m sticking to dogs.

Let’s have a butchers

I shall resist the temptation to say “Bigeth Dicketh” at this point but that’s where I went.  Dickie’s Butchery & Cowshed. What a slice of prime cut this place is!

Not only is this place an artisan butchers shop on a farm in the middle of nowhere, but also a place where you can sit and have a coffee. That’s right, a steaming hot latte in a tin mug made by burly farm boys.  Err.. Goodbye Starbucks, we’re through.  Look at this jewel of a find!  I felt like I’d stepped into a piece of Texas in England. ‘Cept y’all don’t have butchers shops.

 

BBQ

And not only can you have a bit of a cappuccino here, but a home reared bacon and sausage sandwich or prime farm beefburger.  Win.

They even have pop up, outdoor eating events.  *Subscribed*

Dickies Butchery

These butchers out in the countryside take their meat dead seriously.

Dickies Butchery

And their eggs.

Fresh Eggs

But when I saw this little fella playing about in his pig pen it bloody well put me off having a bacon sarnie like that film Babe did.  I should have stayed put in the cowshed coffee barn and just thought of supermarket packaging.

Piglet

And then I went weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, all the way home.

Road to Dickies

Rebranded:  The Urban Cowgirl.  Sigh….

 

 

 

Villlage Lots

April 12, 2017 4:33pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 29 Comments

 

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

 

Village life

I’ve never known a village like the one my mother lives in.

Those of you who frequent this blog may have read about the things that go on there like the annual rubber duck race, playing Sticky 13’s in the pub and all manner of complete and utter madness.

I have contemplated living there on many an occasion because not only is it beautiful but it’s a black comedy reality. All I’d have to do is write an everyday journal and I’d have a script that the best writer in the world couldn’t make up. However, I value my sanity; what’s left of it.

 

What do you do with a spaceman?

Park your car in it, man.

Police were called out to the village recently when the residents awoke to find an upside down motor conveniently parked right in front of the bus stop.

car in village

Owner? Nowhere to be found.

Anybody find this abnormal? Not really.

Will the registered keeper ever be seen again? Chances are he or she will be at the pub quiz later trying to win a packet of malted milk biscuits from Lidl that are still a week in date. They come from far and wide for such delights.

Talking of delights…

 

The Village sale

People in the village and surrounding area are well aware of their personal treasures; and, when there’s not enough coinage in the coffers for a night at the pub, they sell their swag to each other.

 

One man’s junk is another man’s treasure

I’m slightly alarmed by this if I’m honest.  I find it somewhat sinister.   Remember, I’ve met these villagers.

And then there’s the interior design sales pitch from the village witch…

Why?

There’s dry wit and there’s village idiocy.  I’m not sure which category this person falls into…

Next they’ll be trying to sell magic beans.

Taking of beans…

 

Beanz Meanz Heinz

There’s a baked beans cafe opened up in Selfridges, London.  I’m rather impressed at this smart yet simple take on our classic British staple.  This Heinz station have taken beans to a gastronomic, amuse-bouche high where you can now have them sprinkled with scrambled eggs, ham hock, or crispy bacon.  Take a look:

So maybe it’s not just villages that are bonkers after all.  Maybe it’s just this country.

 

 

 

He Doesn’t, She Doesn’t, But Marmite!

April 5, 2017 6:45pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 32 Comments

Marmite news

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Oh the ribbings I’ve endured from my friends’ ‘the Americans’ for eating this ghastly, dark brown yeast paste! Yeah, don’t think I’ve forgotten who you are. Well, how could I forget? As a staunch Marmite supporter and lover my brain is in fine fettle. Researchers have found that Marmite helps boost brain power and stave off dementia. So, when you’ve all forgotten who you are and what you’re doing I’ll be stealing your wallets and going on luxury holidays at your expense.

A spoonful of sour helps the medicine go down

Just one teaspoon of this nectar each day and you’ll still be playing pub quizzes into your nineties. Why?
Marmite contains 116 times more B12 (which makes red blood cells and protects the nervous system) than peanut butter. So, you might want to think on because my Marmite beats your peanut butter toast down. Not that I’m going to be childish about it or anything but *licks finger, paints a one in the air and then drops mic and leaves*

Talking of pure gold…

 

A pound ‘aint sound unless it’s change

New Pound coin

New pound coin

Britain has a new pound coin. Businesses everywhere are going insane at having to change all their machines. I had a moment of dizzy excitement when I thought I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym if the lockers didn’t work anymore. Then I remembered that they used a card instead. How stupidly forward thinking of them. Marmite eaters.

Apparently, this new 12 sided piece is the most secure coin in the world. Question is: Will I be able to shoot it in the US and cause a dent like I did with the indestructible fiver? Take a look here and see.

Talking of Royal Mint and the Queens money..

England's smallest castle

England’s smallest castle has come up for sale and I want it. Set on the outskirts of Warwickshire in the beautiful Cotswolds, “Molly’s Lodge” is available for purchase. Who better to live in a castle than me?
This grade 11 building was constructed in the 1830’s by British architect, Edward Bloor. It sits in 0.61 acres, boasting a beautiful garden, limestone turrets, a Victorian cast iron fireplace and a winding staircase. There’s also a separate outbuilding with an office where I could write my whimsy and a one bedroomed apartment so you could come and stay if you wanted to.

Pay it forward, reader

Unfortunately, I haven’t eaten enough Marmite to figure out a cunning plan to snare it and probably only have enough of those gold coins above to pay the bloody stamp duty.

So, I’m looking for a random act of kindness here and I know they exist because it’s happened to me before. Whilst this castle is considerably more expensive than a bottle of wine, it’s a bargain at only £550, 000 and I’d like to live there. Please. A lot. There’s no better way to show your love and gratitude than buying a castle for me.

The Best Job On The Planet

March 29, 2017 4:55pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 35 Comments

Thinking Outside The Box

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Now, I have more than enough whimsy to write about but something else happened yesterday that took precedence.

A Sign from Heaven

As I was working like a little trooper, a series of texts, emails and “tags” on Facebook came through to my phone.  I started to pay attention when they all said the same thing:

“Jules, have you seen this?  It’s got your name all over it!”

“Has it got the Queen’s face on and does it come in stacks?” I replied.

“Better.  Take a look.  You’ve gotta go for this.”

So.  I did.  I checked it out everywhere just to make sure.  I triple checked like the best researcher on Earth.

They’re calling this a job?

Turns out, a company called Thirdhome are looking to pay someone $24, 000 for a three month contract to do this:

Go around the world and stay in their clients luxury homes.  Get paid to do this and have your expenses covered too.  Well hello, sailor…

And  their ideal candidate is….

A blogger.  Tick.

A writer.  Tick.

In fact, a storyteller.  Big Tick.

A vlogger and photographer. Tick.

Someone who enjoys travelling. How many ticks do you want?

Someone who can go away for 3 months at a time.  Hello! Tick.

Someone who appreciates and understands luxury. Tick, Tick and Tick. 

I mean, why didn’t they just call me?

How to get the best job on the planet?

A one minute pitch.  By video.  Oh, and deadline is tonight. No pressure then…

I want this, people.  And y’all know it should be mine so think positive!

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