Cowboy Church

May 2, 2016 6:41am Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 15 Comments

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Today I went to church. That’s right. But not just any church, oh no.

I went to Cowboy Church. Well of course I did, I’m a cowgirl so that’s where I had to go.

Now, quite honestly I didn’t know what to expect because churches where I live are standard issue steeples and peoples, pews and altars, stained glass and Sunday best, gilt edged flimsy papered bibles and purple robes  and that stuff that smells funny inside like the start of a sacrifice.

I was terribly intrigued and wondering what branch of worship I’d be letting myself in for.  I made my fairy godmother come along just incase I needed a pumpkin out on demand.

The drive out into the countryside was beautiful. I now want a ranch. Seriously. But then I saw two dead deer on the road, vultures and a broken armadillo; followed by a holocaust of bugs known as ‘Love bugs’ splatting themselves by the million onto the front of the car like tiny pebbles which made me wonder if I could cope in rural Texas. I decided, yes. So long as I avoid roads.

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We arrived at a wooden place in the middle of a field called Texas Cowboy Church.

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In we went with an air of suspicion and I was immediately greeted with a hug, more people, and more hugs. It wasn’t dissimilar to a French party except the kissing business didn’t happen. There were real cowboys there and everything who spoke to me in the most polite way like one might speak to a princess.

“Are you hungry?” they asked.

Fish and bread? I wondered. “Hungry? Is that word even in the American vocabulary? I haven’t been hungry for a month! I’ve forgotten what hungry feels like.”

“Come, have a coffee and some doughnuts” they said. Doughnuts in church? Proper!

Everybody came to chat and welcome me and seemed terribly excited about having their first English visitor. I became an instant celebrity. I thought people in Texas were nice already but this flock took nice to a whole new level. Even the pastor hugged me.

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Coupla cowboys:  Roland and Robert

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Wall of visiting fame.  Mine goes up next week.

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The service didn’t send me into narcolepsy like the ones I’ve experienced before with monotone readings and sombre messages that make me leave thinking God is going to smite me any minute now; this service was like a positivity seminar. The place rocked with country singing, audience participation and heaps of humour.

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Best joke of the day from the awesome pastor (Ex sheriff and Rodeo pastor)

I saw a homeless man on the street and as I walked past, he asked me for $5.
“Are you going to spend that $5 on drink?” I asked.
“No”, said the homeless man.”
“Well are you going to spend it on gambling?”
“Of course not,” he said.
“Well are you going to spend it on a round of golf?” I asked.
“No, I’m not.”
“I’m not going to give you $5, instead I’m going to take you back to my house and get my wife to cook you a slap up meal.”
“Well I smell real bad and I’m dirty,” said the homeless man. “Surely she won’t be happy with that.”
“She sure as hell won’t , but I want her to see how bad a man looks when he’s had to give up drink, gambling and golf!”

BOOM BOOM!

When do you ever hear that at Saint Mary’s?

Myself and England got mentioned all the way through and I’ve been invited back. I’ve never been invited back to church before. And we got asked to dinner after and they said they’d make me a cake on my return. Well that sold it!

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A whole new cowboy take on the ten Commandments.

They told me their church is the bestest and it’s not just good but gooder (new words taught to me by the pastor) and they sure as hell aren’t wrong. Best fun I’ve ever had on an early Sunday morning (except for the time I dreamt about being a Bond girl)

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As usual – I got some more T-Shirts. I am becoming the collector of the best tees that ever there was.

 

15 Comments

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A service with lots of humor at least keeps me awake 🙂

Anything that is funny keeps you interested. These guys have it just right. Nice to see you, Keith. 🙂

Maybe you’re the first proper English lady they’ve seen, Jules! I bet they’re expecting you to tell them stories about the Queen, who recently had her 90th birthday. You could say the Queen isn’t a hugger, but she serves damned good fairy cakes in her garden parties!

Oh yes, Mr. Gorilla Bananas, our Lizzie is sure knocking up the years! There must be something in those fairy cakes or she really is a LIZard. Maybe not hugging makes you live longer. I must go sing God Save The Queen now, outside and under the stars and stripes.

If you hang around long enough it will be you, at the pulpit, slinging fire and brimstone down on the unsuspecting cowboys…mark my words. Washed in the blood of the Lamb, wearing your hat, your six-gun and boots and calling those folks to repentance. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a doughnut or a slice of cake.

Of course you’ll need a pick-up truck, a dog and a 30-30 lever action rifle in the back window to complete it all.

Larry, I’m all for it! I can fully picture myself in that situation as a menacing preacher! This country life wth a bit of bonkers thrown in is right up my street. 🙂

Now that you have an “emergency clown nose” in your purse, you can always put that on there at the pulpit if you are stumped for the right words while you are warning of hell fire, pounding the platform with your fists, etc.

Some people underestimate the power of an emergency clown nose, but I don’t.

And shout, “Quit yer clownin’ around!”

It sounds like a winner to me. And you are so wise, Larry, because you should never underestimate the power of an emergency clown nose! 😉

how many days in an eternity? what does nothing look like? these are the themes which drive my work, and which have drove me to the nuthouse. here, my psychiatrist, who’s also my priest and my wrangler, tells me to think about going to church. like, think about the concept of going to church.

if i ever do go to Texas, i’ll be here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnDzAjGaZWU

*)

Vape church. People fascinate me – that’s what drives my work.

There are no days in eternity it just keeps looping the loop. A bit like that lonely Sunday feeling where every minute is like a day and you cannot fill it with anything because of the mind-fillstopping you. Hell.

Nothing looks like a black hole. The black hole agreed.

Go to cowboy church. It will change you. *)

Guns and God might not mix. 😉 Just saying. Anyhooters, good to hear you’re having a great time, Jules. Are you telling me they had never heard about you? Shame on them. I bet they’ll never forget you.

You’d think not but it appears to be so, Blue!

I’m having a wonderful time, thank you. What’s not to like about this place and it’s people with golden hearts.

Oh, I’m usually just a passing fancy like a novelty Christmas chocolate! :0

We enjoyed your visit so much! Make sure you come back, ya hear?

Me too! I promise I’ll be back as soon as I’m back from travelling around! Start baking a cake 🙂

My brother and sister-in-law attend this curch and I have had the pleasure of going there, myself. I love it. R.O. , the pastor, tells it like it is in a humorous way. This church believes in the true spirit of God and support many ministries. You won’t find a truer, more friendly bunch of folks anywhere else. Glad you got the chance to see a positive side of faith.

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