Exercise With Demons

March 15, 2017 5:14pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

Female Changing Rooms

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

I come here today to tell you the importance of regular exercise and the endless benefits.

The Gym

The Hour of Power

Believe me when I say this is the longest hour or two you will ever experience this is the most important hour you will have in your day. Here’s what to do:

Get yourself a gym partner. Choose wisely. Having a flaky friend who can’t be bothered to get out of her pit in the morning won’t help you. Find a demon. Preferably a young, fit, sporting champion with no empathy button.

Here’s mine. It takes no prisoners.

muscles, training

Up before the cock crows

And I’m not talking about my fitness partner…

Apparently, to promote sickness, mini strokes and mood swings metabolism, higher energy levels and mental illness capacity, going to the gym early morning is the answer. This leaves you the rest of the day to feel like crap burn calories and get on with a full working day.

Arriving at 6.45 am you will note that the gym is full of very stupid people with personality disorders A type, high achievers who are there to become better than they were yesterday. Rubbing shoulders with the elite helps you climb the ladder of personal success. As you can imagine, I fit right in with those sort.

The Establishment

The Gym

Most important. Your gym should be inviting, encouraging and full of torturous high tech equipment. Paying through the nose Investing in a leisure type facility which nurtures health from many angles will pay havoc with you ever trusting anyone again dividends in the future. You can’t put a price on how many bottles of wine you could have bought for that health and fitness.

Car to drive away in, Car diac arrest, Cardio

Cardio, Crosstrainer

Warming up those sleepy muscles on some kind of S&M device a cross trainer or cyco machine static cycle is imperative. Pulling a muscle is a good idea and means you won’t be able to come back for ages at this early stage will mean you can go back to having fun put you weeks behind. And you know that having the honed and toned body of a super model is readily available from plastic surgeons only going to happen if you work hard for it.

Regular Commitment

Fitness Swimming Pool

Make a regular commitment. Your demon fitness partner should encourage a completely insane and relentless schedule daily visits with only Sundays as a day off. A daily routine will soon put you in a suicidal mood  habitual pattern. You can add variety to your workouts by training different areas of your body and like you haven’t done enough already  you may even add a swimming programme to warm down thereafter. Remember that core training exercises are pure evil paramount and feeling like your intestines have been ripped apart working hard on your abdomen will bring fast results.

Diet and Relaxation

Leisure centre cafeteria

Going to the gym is only one part of the picture. Oh whoopy doo. Your diet must be high in protein and low in carbohydrates because eating cardboard is so much fun to help reduce the will to live your BMI.

Granola, fruit and yoghurt

If you have chosen a luxurious leisure centre they will probably have alcohol free healthy bar and cafeteria areas offering shit made with spinach smoothie boosters and low calorie, healthy foods. You can relax in a Nazi Camp health conscious environment and take several more hours to munch through granola and berries eat a vitamin packed breakfast before leaving.

Taking time to relax properly is also important. Going to bed by ten o clock at night since there’s no point staying up and making the day any longer or more boring and getting a good nights sleep even though everything hurts like hell and even if you wanted to have a margarita you’re in too much pain to lift the bloody glass will help your muscles recover, your energy levels improve and have you crying like a baby raring to go by 6 am the next morning.

Leave on a positive note

gym locker

After your training regime always remember to punch thank your fitness partner. After all, they are doing this because they’re psychopathic for you. Try not to limp to the car to bask in the afterglow of your workout and as you drive home like a sanctimonious bitch, smirking at the people who haven’t worked out yet give yourself a pat on the back for your achievement.

Stay focussed

Marcus Aurelius quote

Don’t go back to bed lose your way throughout the rest of the day. You’ll find that after time life’s too short for this you will feel much better and more energetic than you ever have done before. Lose Keep your mind in a positive state and if you feel negative thoughts coming on have some cake read positive statements and encouraging words Like that of ‘Marcus Aurelius’ above, and you too can feel like the Emperor of Rome in no time!

24 Comments

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I don’t know what to do with all of the positive vibes. Maybe I should get out and exercise by walking around the block. I thought that I exercised when I got out of bed, stepped into the shower, toweled off and went downstairs for an American bacon and egg and toast breakfast. Maybe not quite enough?

Ughhhhh… American bacon and egg…..

That’s cruel, Larry. Do you have ANY IDEA how hungry I am?

I’m moving in with you.

My regimen:
1. Catch a cab to the coffee house.
2. Kill a panini & a half-dozen donuts then knock back two espressos.
3. Walk it off on the way back home arriving in time for my mid-morning nap.
(no charge for this coaching session)
x

TC, I have a brilliant idea. Do you want to be my personal fitness trainer? x

Jules – you did not work hard enough on the gym equipment, no chips on the red painted nails !!

Long time no see, Mr, Birrell!

Black Dog Down, Red Bitch Up. My nails polish is diamond strength just like my regime. I bet you never trained this hard in the airforce…:)

What’s with the gender specific changing room(s) and showers? That’s not very progressive, but I guess the guys could show up and self-identify as females, thus dealing with the ‘stereotype’ in that fashion. That would work, wouldn’t it? I suspect that Harrison would prefer that arrangement too. In the US the buzz word is: heteronormative (it’s in the dictionary).

The sign is an example of heteronormativity – a pervasive and institutionalized ideological system that creates hegemony based on gender identification and oppression. I have been oppressed as a heterosexual, white, male and feel that the progressive movement has just started to go my way.

I hate “buzz” words. Why do we have to keep making these stupid words up? Anyway, Larry, my gym is very heteronormative (first and last time I shall use that word) and if any fluid bloke turned up in the girls locker room he’d get attacked with GHD straighteners.

Also, you should be viewing that photo from an ‘Art Philosophy’ perspective. Female Changing: The caterpillar will turn into a butterfly…..if she keeps going to the gym. 🙂

Did you really do all that gym stuff, Jules? I always thought you were more of a lie-down-and-get-a-massage type of woman. Maybe paddling in a big hot tub is the kind of exercise that would suit you. 🙂

Really. And again today, Mr Gorilla Bananas. I know this is difficult to take in because you are quite right in that laying down and getting massaged is my preference. 🙂

I went to the gym, once.
Just thought I’d mention it.

Yeah, I bet Masher. Just to watch the girls doing aerial cartwheels and whip backs, right? ;P

Damn right.

Ha! 🙂

I’ve always thought of gyms at 6.45 as a gathering of people I want to avoid. How polite of them to all convene in one place. That makes it easier for me.

What’s that stuff spread on the bread? Whatever it is, it’s not enough. Double the amount next time.

Yes, M, I think the same. But now I’m one of them. Well, the bad apple amongst them but I kind of like that.

That’s not bread, that is delightfully healthy, oh so tasty, bran crisp bread with pumpkin seed. I know, try not to get too excited…
The stuff on top is low fat Philadelphia cheese. No matter how much you spread on it ‘ thou’d have nowt moist’ Dry as a heat baked, 50 year old picket fence.

mah dahlin i tried to read your post but it’s all been blacked out by the Russians.

exercise with demons, very nice.

the only gym i know is a Pokemon gym. and i don’t like Pokemon. i’ve never exercised in my life. including my brain. besides, i thought everyone exercises at home now with their shake-weights.

do the hour of power religiously…

oh i get it now. work-out partners! i always try to get the yoga instructor for a quick private lesson before she gets too busy.

you can watch tv while you’re on that bike that never moves! but not news. anything but news. unless it’s John Oliver.

swimming for fun? i only swim to escape danger.

everyone is mentally ill…think about it…

gyms have the best food. and, like, 35 different brands of tap water.

you can tell Marcus Aurelius never wanted to be an emperor. the emperor thing just kind of landed in his lap after he botched his open-air auditions. he wanted to be an actor. who wrote his own stuff *)

Yes, my sweet, I’ve been hacked. I think I’m being wire tapped too. My iPhone Sir I told me off the other day. My life is not my own.

Everyone is very mentally ill. I thought about that all night. That’s what Spotify meditation does for you.

Marcus’s acting skills and philosophical entries were seriously overlooked.

Aren’t you the ‘new’ John Oliver? *)

Always remember…and never forget…
Only in the face of extreme adversity is true character developed.

Yes, Sol, I suppose that is true. It is always the extreme that shows us what we are made of.

The translation of Sol’s statement that I prefer is: “The extra pitcher of margaritas that doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” It’s not easy to end up in an ER with “Extreme Vitamin C Poisoning,” but I’ve been there. Everybody’s got their own definition of ‘extreme,’ I say. 😉

I’ll go long with that one, Grunt! This is why I have reached superhero strength in my time! 🙂

I agree with LL. What’s with the heteronormative stereotyping at your gym, perhaps it’s a challenge? Tear down the walls of gender oppression!

No unicorns either, LSP. I’ll see what I can do 🙂

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