Happy New Tier!

January 8, 2021 3:58pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 23 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing you a long overdue blog post!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

The world has gone quite mad, dear reader, has it not?  

On the Only Day of Christmas 

I had my day of Christmas with the famalam which was wonderful but by the time they left at around 8.30 pm I was shattered. Another consequence of the lockdown is that I am no longer able to deal with large groups of people for more than a day.  It was like getting over the flu (do we still have flu anymore?) and took me a week to get back to normal usual being my pandemic self again. Although, it could have been the result of too many chocolate oranges. A gift from Terry’s that always finds itself in one’s stocking. This year, instead of getting one or two of them, I received about 79.

It’s a Brave New Year Just the Same 

Found me still surrounded by chocolate oranges. Naturally, I continued eating them because it is a violation against chocolate to throw them away.

What else can you do in another national lockdown anyway? Apart from knitting or running that seem to be the favoured pandemic pastimes over here. 

Turns out I found a new type of running. The aftermath of “tapping it and unwrapping it” and adding segment after segment into your cake-hole is restless legs shaking so violently you could give Joe Wicks a run for his money with sofa jogging. The sugar coma that follows is so intense your get-up-and-go marches off to the nearest canal and drowns itself. 

Now that’s a workout, Wicksy. 

Talking of Bingeing…

I found that I have been unable to write, aside from marketing for businesses desperately trying to survive in these conditions – which sucks all the mojo out of me. Reading, Netflix, and Amazon Prime are my saviours when I lose the will to co-operate. 

I have binge watched Disney Pixar movies because morals and lessons are good for me. I spend at least an hour thereafter in a loving and giving frame of mind. 

My other favourites have been ‘The Queens Gambit’ which has got me back into playing chess, and ‘Bridgerton’ – A period drama offering super-scintillating-scandal! 

And then there’s ‘Death to 2020’ A mockumentary which I found uncomfortably (not spared from the usual narrative) amusing. 

This satirical film has a character called Gemma Nerrick, an “average citizen” who declares that lockdown has given her a multi-personality disorder. This made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my Terry’s CO. 

But then I realised that this comical little gem delivered truth in jest.  

Yes. I too have entered into the world of disorder. 

Let’s Look at This Lickety-Split

This lockdown business really does make you a bit weird and maybe this is how our brains cope with being caged like capricious monkeys. Here are my multi- personality, pandemic inhabitants:

Compliant Cadence 

Does not come out to play very often but when she does, she is calm and somewhat yielding because, well,“it is what it is.”Cadence often feels a tad spaced out and on a bit of a go-slow. No need for aggravation or major tasks. Cadence likes to spend time ruminating over endless cups of tea and wearing comfortable, oversized cardigans. Sometimes found casually flicking through magazines and folding up warm washing from the dryer. Generally her day is spent musing and dreaming of possibilities or watching birds soar though floating clouds. Cadence tends to be largely OK with everything around her until the novelty wears off which tends to happen rather speedily. 

Princess Peachy

This goddess of delight is imbued with the spirit of Snow White. She wakes with a smile, singing to the animals, and to the neighbours, whether they like it or not. Peachy’s aim is to have house beautiful by tea-time so she dusts and cleans until everything, and I mean everything because obsession takes over, shines until she can blow kisses at her own reflection in the polished surfaces. After which, an array of scones, cheese straws and cookies cool on the kitchen surfaces after a Great British Bake Off. The evening is spent gorging on these delights during a film that Peachy promptly falls asleep to after domestic exhaustion and she ends up going to bed rather sneezy and grumpy.

Anxious Alicia

This personality is fuelled by watching way too much news and reading endless conspiracy theories. Alicia thinks that everyone is going to die or have long term health issues and the vaccine won’t help because it’s made of old people’s toenails and the entrails of choir boys. Alicia believes that eventually we will all be in motorised wheelchairs with oxygen tanks and frets about how we will we all fit down the aisles at the supermarket.

She spends the day fixated on the gloomy news headlines and waiting for Boris to make yet another announcement about how the virus is overtaking the planet and now we can’t even go in the garden. However, Alicia’s time is used vigilantly between wringing her hands and washing her hands until they bleed.  

Alicia wipes everything down with super-strength bleach then goes to bed not being able to breathe due to overuse of chemicals and lies there all night long thinking “this is it”

Bastardette the MOFO Queen Bitch From the Deepest Bowels of Hell, With Bells On 

Do not approach this personality under any circumstance because she hates everything and everyone without exception: the masked, the none- masked, the compliant and the rebellious alike, all the newsreaders, knitters, runners and basically all-and-sundry including and especially, Joe Wicks. 

Bastardette is usually found tearing new arseholes for people or getting into unnecessary arguments about any topic you choose to bring up. And if you can’t think of one, she will find one to attack you with. If unable to find any prey, she can be seen lining up her chocolate oranges on her bedroom windowsill ready to hurl at the many passing runners who totally get on her tits. 

The “It’s not Terry’s, it’s mine” chocolate orange slogan swiftly replaced with Bastardette’s new strap line, “Terry can have the feckers back” 

Cue 2021’s new and adapted dystopian crime film – A Clockwork Chocolate Orange.

 

23 Comments

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One of your best ones yet. I am Queen Nana. I spend 5 days a week talking to a1,2 ,4 or 8 year old. I wouldn’t trade it for the world but I do miss adult conversations. No visitors where I live on the weekends. So I have learned how to talk to myself. I wonder do I need to wear a mask while talking to myself ⁉️😷👸🏻

Why thank you, Janet! Seems like so long ago that I saw you. Miss you. 🙂

I’m sure you wouldn’t trade it, and children tend to speak a lot more sense than some adults do!

I think you should try talking to yourself with a mask on just to see if it makes a difference. Probably just fog up your specs! Keep safe and happy out there. x

Quite clever and altogether amusing. Leave it to you to find the humor in this unheard of situation. Now I wonder, “What took you so long”?! I cannot imagine where the shot of the girl and guy without a mask appeared. I am surprised she wasn’t using her brassiere for a mask as she most certainly was not hiding her chest underneath it!

Thank you, Cindy 🙂 Well, I’ve always had a penchant for black comedy!

The humourous infographics and memes are what keep this country going!

Bastardette the MOFO Queen Bitch From the Deepest Bowels of Hell, With Bells On… Ok then, so you’re telling me that nothing has really changed… ;^) That’s encouraging.

As you know, I don’t wear a mask where I live, nor do I practice the anti-plague measures. As with you, I’ve had it, I’m immune and they can all take a short step the top of a tall cliff (we have lots of those where I live) if they’re not content with my behavior.

I’m happy to see you’re back to blogging. I like the guys mask in the captioned photo. I’d be ok with that mask.

I’m with you. LL.
Though there are no tall cliffs in my area, there is a deep blue Gulf of Mexico nearby, where the masked masses are welcome to take an extended walk south.

Nah, not really, LL! I’m still wonderfully horrific!

I wear a “Don’t mess with Texas” mask that got sent to me by Cowboy Church. Works wonder for social distancing!

You wouldn’t believe some of the make-shift masks I’ve seen over here. There’s a business in this malarkey – as you have seen with the vending machine! However, that guy certainly gets first place!

a lot of impotent rage in the air these days…Impotent Rage, you know, the Grand Theft Auto character…

one good thing from all this: Britain will look like the Britain in 28 Days Later, i love that film’s atmosphere…

Joe Wicks: British Keanu Reeves?………yes, i guessed right! he looks exactly like Keanu!

Bridgerton had that one sketchy scene…

Compliant Cadence: likes Swedish electronica. Princess Peach has a soggy bottom, that’s why she always wears those big-ass flowery hoop-skirts. Anxious Alicia: suddenly has a fascination with Chewbacca…

Bastardette: that’s you, right? A Chocolate Orange: now the milk makes sense…

*)

Rage is everywhere, my sweet. There’s always someone raging about something. It’s the new zen; like hot yoga but without the stretching.

Me? I am all of these things at any given moment, of course! *)

Julesy…YOU’RE BACK!!
Praise The Lord and pass the spotted dick!
How do I know it is really you typing these lines?
‘Cause they are full of piss & vinegar. A Julesy ® trademark.
Love Ya,
Your PPS Bawcock .😘🥰

ps: Glad you enjoyed my namesake choco-oranges. Ironic that I detest choco-oranges though.

I AM! It’s happened!

Why waste my sarcasm and bitchiness on the postman or Amazon delivery guy?
I think you should take over the Terry’s chocolate emporium and come up with something I don’t mind putting in my mouth all over Christmas. I think you could do that, couldn’t ya, my PPS!

Love Ya MORE then! XX

😲🤐🤪😉🤔😏🙄😛👀
I shall get my ‘staff’ to work on it pronto!
I like the name “Chock Full O’ Nuts’ but I’ll have to purchase the rights to it
You will be required to remove your mask to enjoy though.
~PPS😘

I bet your staff are all in french maid outfits, right?

Hahahaha! No problem, I’m tearing it off in anticipation! 😉 x

I through caution to the wind and took a 24 day road trip access the states for the holiday. I am glad we did.

Hello Bathwater!

Sometimes, you have just gotta hit the road!

I’m using my time (and frustration) wisely by getting all those “meh – do I have to?” things done so that when the gates are open I shall run wildly into the wind! Deservedly so!

Chocolate oranges are fun to open, what with the whacking them on a hard surface, and anticipation of that is probably more than half the fun. But I’m not wild on eating them for some reason. Weird because I do like chocolate and sweets in general. Maybe the artificiality? Anyway, here’s a new product-name for you:

“A Choc-work Orange.
The horrorshow mounch for ‘vecks and ptitsas of all ages!”

The orange comes with a little bowler hat and a false eyelash.

That’s for *Jules*, mind you. Anyone else, I want 5% net.

Correct! That is the best thing about them – whacking them on (somebody) something hard so all the pieces fall apart!

The Choc-work Orange! I love it! They will be on the ground screaming for mercy!

Mike, you are genius!

Loved it all, but this: “The sugar coma that follows is so intense your get-up-and-go marches off to the nearest canal and drowns itself” is such a perfect collection of words and wit I just kept going back and re-reading it for the sheer fun of more giggles. Bless ya!

Happy New Year, Ginny! Hope you are alright across the pond! Big hugs from me 🙂

Thank you so much! – I’m glad I’ve made you titter! Seriously, that is exactly how it feels!

Chocolate Orages… yum.

*Oranges

lemons

Now on smoothies and feel so much better! Until next year…

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