Lone Stars and Dog Scars

March 17, 2021 1:38pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

So, there I was sitting at my office desk – two computer screens running whilst I tried to put my thoughts onto the page. My brain goes way faster than I can type and I’m always way ahead of where I’m actually at. Sometimes I have to write side notes further down the page so I don’t forget the ideas and stories unfolding before I get to them. I imagine this must be much like a clairvoyant feels when they get messages from the ether all barging their way in. Except I’m not making it up. I think of my imagination as a different being that can’t shut the hell up and it’s like dealing with a hyperactive child. Is this a gift or a curse? Do all bloggers get this? 

And, I am unable to sit still for long and I think it’s because of this. Everything is whirring so fast that I need to get up and walk away from it after ten minutes – even though it follows me and dances in my head, sometimes throwing extra tidbits in that I have to rush back to the screen and type out. I wonder if this is what a split personality feels like?

 You Ain’t Nothing But A Hound Dog

And then there are the hounds. Hounding. My first wolfdog, Tex does not understand why I’m sitting down when clearly we could be outside playing. Despite the fact that I have fed, walked, fussed and given in to his every need, he still wants more. There is no doubt that this dog is autistic. He wants to go outside, he wants to come back in. Repeat, repeat. Up and down I get like an idiot. And if I don’t, he gets vocal, making loud Chewbacca sounds and clawing at my arm with his giant paws and claws. It bloody hurts! 

“Why are you like this?” I ask him. “It’s a good job I love you, you maniac.”

Groom For Improvement

And, he is a maniac. He’s like a wild scatty mustang. Yesterday he went to a new groomer. Other groomers before have failed because Tex doesn’t like them. Tex doesn’t really like anything. He was left at the groomers because these animals have thick coats that need de-shedding. I can spend hours brushing him – hair coming out with relentless abandon and left wondering how in hell the mutt is not bald. Within 2 minutes of leaving him, she called back saying he wouldn’t settle and was going quite insane. The woman feared he would break her professional set-up. 

He would not go in the bath.

Once forced into the bath he would not be washed. 

And you can forget even putting a blow drier on him because he will attack it. 

She tried to put a hat on him to muffle the noise. He attacked it. 

She offered him dried sprats. He refused. No way lady, I ain’t that easy. 

She managed to brush him during his incessant howling. 

The whole thing ended abruptly.

My other wolfdog, Halo is quite the opposite. Dream pet. 

At 10 months old he’s even bigger than Tex who is a very big boy.

He sat still.

Wore his hat.

And came out looking splendid. 

Until Tex rolled him over on the field and pinned him into the mud. 

Back To The Word

I went back to the computer. I am now 17 chapters ahead of where I’m at and now can’t remember how I mentally got there. It’s a bit like reading a book in bed when you’re tired. You still read it but get to a point where your eyes are refusing to stay open. The following night you go back to the book and continue where you left off. Except, it’s like a brand new book. You don’t remember any of this and are convinced you must have lost your page. You read a bit more just to see. Steven? Who the flying feck is this new character called Steven? 

My tea has gone cold, again. Tex wants a biscuit. He’s not giving in. Not until my arm bleeds. I go to make more tea. He gets a sausage and thrown outside. I sit down again and re-read what I’ve written. There’s a knock at the door.

“For the LOVE of God!”

It’s the postman with a big brown squishy package. 

It’s all the way from Texas, I see. 

Last week I received a package from friends in Georgia containing these wonderful books.

Merricans are proper lovely, I find.

The package the postman brought to my door is a complete surprise sent by the world’s best-ever pastor from Cowboy Church. I feel a pang of nostalgia. I miss them Texans. 

Inside I have a number of presents from CDs to magnets and car stickers. 

Masks saying “Don’t mess with Texas” – these go down a storm here. 

And this.

Thirty-three ways in which to use my Lone Star Bandana. 

I’m intrigued.

I can’t choose my favourite but if we’re being honest, I think we all know I could pull off number 24 with ease. However, since I am now the new queen of wrap I am going to do number 30 cos ain’t nobody else wrapping up a present with a lone star bandana. Except I’m not going to give it to anyone because it’s mine, so I will undo it thereafter and try number 3 on Tex. That should be entertaining. 

Anyway, can’t hang around, I’ve got stuff to write. 

 

19 Comments

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I never thought to wrap a gift with a bandana, but it’s perfect!

Lucifer has to live up to his name…

It’s quite a novel idea, isn’t it. Eco-friendly too!

Oh, he does that very well!

Hello from Ottawa, Illinois. Remember? I am friends with the Guidotti family.
I always enjoy your blogs.

You are very clever.

I could never be sick of nature, but, I know what you mean about wanting to go somewhere. I am also covid contained. In addition to that, I had my left knee replaced. Sometimes I wonder what exactly they replaced it with! Been kind of a nightmare as the powers that be no longer approve of giving out narcotics, which seem to be the only pain relief prescribed these days….

Wish I had a wolfie to keep me company! Later today, I intend to splurge on Corned Beef and Cabbage which I am now cooking in Coors beer. Thought I might add some cheesey beer soup to go along with it. Getting the bacon on!

Enjoy your field. Maybe you will plant a colorful garden. You could take pictures all day long!

Hello Cindy from Ottawa! Yes, of course I remember you.

Thank you very much – that’s very kind of you to say.

I’m not really sick of nature but I’m just sick of doing the same thing. I’d like to see new nature! And perhaps the inside of a pub or a Texan dance hall. Variety is the spice of life and right now my platter is missing all the seasoning. Talking of fodder, your corned beef dish sounds like a winner though I’m not so sure about cheesy soup. Bacon. Yes. I am with you every step of the way. If you ever get a wolfie please know that bacon is their favourite thing and my wolfit Tex will make sure you don’t forget that.

I hope the field will be a wonderful retreat for family and friends along with wildflowers and maybe a wooden den!

I’m sorry to hear of your recent knee surgery but now you will be bionic! Try margarita – I find this tends to numb pain as good as anything else! 🙂

Excuse my French, but fuck me, they’re big dogs!
No wonder your dog food bill is so huge each month.
And… a Texan Bandana that’s made in China. There’s some kinda sacrilege there, surely.

Yes, that’s what everyone says as they break through the woods! Hence, wanting my own field to stop traumatising people.

Yeah – I agree. I’m surprised they allow such a thing!

About those dawgs of yours. Now I’m no expert, but that Tex sounds like he is about 90% wol-uf to me and you might just want to consider how often he would groomed, brushed, bathed, etc living out in the Rockies or somewhere and eating Bison. Not that often I would suggest. Maybe try just leaving him in peace to go wol-uf? Halo on the other hand probably ain’t no wolf at all. Maybe Irish Wolfhound or something?

You make a valid point, Rick. However, I like them to smell nice and stop moulting! But, I’m prepared to get a few Bison in the back garden!

yes i’m with you, mah dahlin, i understand totally how you feel. i’m thinking about stuff for 4 projects at once roiling around my head at the same time, i just hope i put the right stuff with the right project…

speaking of which, let’s get cracking filming, i wrote the first few scenes of the shooting script, your equipment is better than mine, i just have an ipad mini…

there is one thing which will make the bath experience pleasant for wolf and human alike: a LUSH bath bomb

Steven Universe already needs a revival, just sayin’, Steven Goes To College With Screech, that sort of thing, keep Screech’s memory alive, one episode Steven fights Zack Morris in a death match using brick phones, looking for writers, always looking for writers…

*)

Haha! Yeah, I know what you mean, my sweet!

I have lots of equipment – I buy it and then store it somewhere like a gadget kleptomaniac. Turns out, my iPhone can do mostly everything I want. Show me the script!

You may be onto something here as my wolfits love the smell of my body creams and stuff. I think there should be a Lush for dogs because I KNOW people would buy it!

Ah, so that’s who Steven is… *)

you’re a central character but we gotta convince Melissa Maker to be in it, i wrote a few scenes tailored to her and her life story, she would be perfect for the role, funny lines, she comes off as a larger-than-life Larry David character! it’s all very improvisational, back-and-forth dialogue, conversational, i’m trying to give bit parts to all my Instagram friends. the writing is easy, the filming is easy, the hard part is wrangling up all the various people on their schedule…*)

Maybe I should follow Melissa Maker and send her something wrapped up all lovely to convince her?

yes, exactly, mah dahlin, haha! entrepreneur to entrepreneur *)

Nice. Write on. And I’m sorry, but we’re sending Markle and Harry back. Surely there’s spare room in the Tower?

TREASON!
No. You can keep them. Besides, it’s not fair to drag them away from their new best friend, Oprah.

Oh Dear Julesy…..remember those simpler times when it was just you and Kevin?
Just sayin’….
Love Ya Bunches 😘🥰
~PPS

Right? Kevin is a JOY! Shoulda stuck to lizardry!

Love ya bunches more, PPS XXX

Came back for another Delightful Read, as a Hyper Child, whose now over Six Decades in to being a Hyper ADHD afflicted Adult, I can certainly relate. Only, I’m fortunate my Typing speed exceeds my Racing Thoughts, the Fingers have learned to keep up and sometimes my Grands gave Tours to their Friends to come watch how fast Gramma could Type, I became somewhat of a Human Sideshow on the Teen Circuit for that entertainment factor. They like that they could end up as Blog Fodder and since I change the names to protect the Innocent, they wanna know their Blog Nickname that will make them infamous in The Land Of Blog. Tex sounds like Two Generations of Children I’ve Raised, I’ve never had a Halo Child, tho’ I’ve seen that lovely compliant Anomaly that other people got to Raise. It’s rather like going to the Zoo and seeing an Animal you’ve never experienced, yet realize, you wanted, because damn would they have been EASIER and a Breeze to take Credit for the excellent Behavior of. *LOL* Recently the 15 Year Old Granddaughter, the last of the Brood I’m Raising {we Hope and keep all Body Parts crossed}, tried to help me whip the House into shape. I couldn’t STAY focused… she corrected me and claimed I NEVER WAS focused… such is Mi Vida Loca… she was spot on.

And yet all these quirks are what make you fascinating!

Tex is a living nightmare. He is off the autistic scale but I love him to bits because of it.

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