Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday
Sometimes squeezing any whimsy out is impossible. Because sometimes life just sucks like a fun sponge. Challenge after challenge after glorious challenge. You’ve all been there.
When you’re having this kind of week, the inspirers come out with this kind of thing:
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
“Hmmm. No it doesn’t. Actually it makes me weaker, my heart beat faster and causes crappy sleep. Then I’m tired, more sarcastic and a pain in the arse to be with.”
“Well, difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”
“Err…no they don’t. Every time I’ve gone down a dodgy road I end up in Hicksville or the ghetto and wonder if I’m going to be shot or gang raped.”
“It’s metaphorical, Jules.”
“It’s stupid. It’s not helping and can you go and do something useful like run away or get me a prescription that induces a coma”
Talking of idiots
I’m STILL trying to find a way to calm down in moments of crisis by listening to ten minute meditation tracks. Last night I found some Aussie bloke and thought, “that’ll do.” The man is INSANE. I kid you not. In fact, don’t take my word for it, go to Spotify, type in “Sleep Meditation” And choose ‘Guided Sleep Meditation by Jason Stephenson’ and tell me this guy isn’t tripping on LSD. Try not to burst out laughing, especially when he says FORRED instead of forehead, because you’re supposed to be relaxing. Whatevs.
On the subject of dumbasses
I’ve decided to bring you lowdown news whenever I come across it. Especially when it involves muppets. Welcome to my column.
A group of medics from a UK hospital are on a two-day strike, protesting wet nursing sexual deviants.
The small group have set up a local health and safety stall in the middle of a bustling town centre in the hope of educating the public when it comes to what is and isn’t appropriate to shove up your anus.
“People are so stupid it’s unbelievable,” said one nurse. “Like we haven’t got enough to do seeing to patients who genuinely need care and attention. We have weekly incidents of some bellend dancing the chocolate cha-cha with an inanimate object and getting it stuck up his bottom and quite frankly, we’ve had enough.”
The group have made their own tasteful giveaway leaflets on anal safety which they are handing out to anyone on the street who looks a bit twisted, though these days it’s hard to tell. As one long suffering paramedic told us, “You get all sorts and sometimes it’s those you’d least expect that take it too far.
Yes, Your Honour
“Last week we had a Judge call us out saying he’d slipped clearing the leaves up on his patio and got a wooden broom handle stuck right up his jacksey. A couple of stern twists, a load of Petroleum Jelly and a few splinters later, we managed to relieve him from his situation. We left with a nice bottle of Courvoisier Imperial and a get out of jail free card should we need one in the future.”
The weary hospital entourage have made up a table displayed with various ‘Objet’s De Arse’ that they have witnessed rammed into butts: vibrators, hoover nozzles, courgettes, suffocated rodents, aerosols and bottles. “Sometimes a ‘visual’ has a better way of getting through to these weirdo’s,” commented one care worn nurse.
“Just the other day we had a young guy come in with a Corona beer bottle vacuum packed in his rectum,” said a weary looking anaesthetist. “We had to put him out, ply him with muscle relaxant and ease the item out without it following through like a shook up champagne bottle.”
On waking up in theatre recovery the lad is said to have declared, “I guess that wasn’t the smartest thing to do!”
No shit, Sherlock.
Spare a thought for our hardworking British medics and think twice before sticking something stupid up your brown eye.