Mayhem, Meditation and Muppets

March 8, 2017 1:52pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 25 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Sometimes squeezing any whimsy out is impossible. Because sometimes life just sucks like a fun sponge. Challenge after challenge after glorious challenge. You’ve all been there.

The inspirers

When you’re having this kind of week, the inspirers come out with this kind of thing:

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

“Hmmm. No it doesn’t. Actually it makes me weaker, my heart beat faster and causes crappy sleep. Then I’m tired, more sarcastic and a pain in the arse to be with.”

“Well, difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”

“Err…no they don’t. Every time I’ve gone down a dodgy road I end up in Hicksville or the ghetto and wonder if I’m going to be shot or gang raped.”

“It’s metaphorical, Jules.”

“It’s stupid. It’s not helping and can you go and do something useful like run away or get me a prescription that induces a coma”

Talking of idiots

I’m STILL trying to find a way to calm down in moments of crisis by listening to ten minute meditation tracks. Last night I found some Aussie bloke and thought, “that’ll do.” The man is INSANE. I kid you not. In fact, don’t take my word for it, go to Spotify, type in “Sleep Meditation” And choose ‘Guided Sleep Meditation by Jason Stephenson’ and tell me this guy isn’t tripping on LSD. Try not to burst out laughing, especially when he says FORRED instead of forehead, because you’re supposed to be relaxing. Whatevs.

On the subject of dumbasses

I’ve decided to bring you lowdown news whenever I come across it. Especially when it involves muppets. Welcome to my column.

 

A group of medics from a UK hospital are on a two-day strike, protesting wet nursing sexual deviants.

The small group have set up a local health and safety stall in the middle of a bustling town centre in the hope of educating the public when it comes to what is and isn’t appropriate to shove up your anus.

“People are so stupid it’s unbelievable,” said one nurse. “Like we haven’t got enough to do seeing to patients who genuinely need care and attention. We have weekly incidents of some bellend dancing the chocolate cha-cha with an inanimate object and getting it stuck up his bottom and quite frankly, we’ve had enough.”

The group have made their own tasteful giveaway leaflets on anal safety which they are handing out to anyone on the street who looks a bit twisted, though these days it’s hard to tell. As one long suffering paramedic told us, “You get all sorts and sometimes it’s those you’d least expect that take it too far.

Yes, Your Honour

“Last week we had a Judge call us out saying he’d slipped clearing the leaves up on his patio and got a wooden broom handle stuck right up his jacksey. A couple of stern twists, a load of Petroleum Jelly and a few splinters later, we managed to relieve him from his situation. We left with a nice bottle of Courvoisier Imperial and a get out of jail free card should we need one in the future.”

Table Display

The weary hospital entourage have made up a table displayed with various ‘Objet’s De Arse’ that they have witnessed rammed into butts: vibrators, hoover nozzles, courgettes, suffocated rodents, aerosols and bottles. “Sometimes a ‘visual’ has a better way of getting through to these weirdo’s,” commented one care worn nurse.

“Just the other day we had a young guy come in with a Corona beer bottle vacuum packed in his rectum,” said a weary looking anaesthetist. “We had to put him out, ply him with muscle relaxant and ease the item out without it following through like a shook up champagne bottle.”

On waking up in theatre recovery the lad is said to have declared, “I guess that wasn’t the smartest thing to do!”

No shit, Sherlock.

Spare a thought for our hardworking British medics and think twice before sticking something stupid up your brown eye.

 

JS

25 Comments

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There’s a reality show up there somewhere. Meantime…”Bottoms Up!”
?
– TC x

Oh my God, there really is, TC. In more ways than one.

Bottoms up! Salute! x

Was there a display of rodent skeletons? That was big a few years back – the live rodents, except they die eventually up there.

On X Ray only, LL. Absolutely disgusting. Vermin on both counts.

Why can’t these fools just use dildos like the Marquis de Sade? People want everything on the cheap these days. But the medication thing is going to work for you, Jules. You just need the big moment of enlightenment that will make everything serene and whole. Ditch the tapes and look into herbal narcotics from the Amazon rain forest.

Probably because they aren’t French philosophers in clink and are unable to be ‘Obvious Adam’ about the situation. Maybe it’s about pest control, who knows, Mr. Gorilla Bananas.

Yes, you’re quite right. If I take narcotics I can feel much better and then make my own meditation recording and earn great respect from insomniacs worldwide.

In Hicksville or the ghetto or Texas.

Hahahahahaha! That place near America…

You’re funny. 🙂

I remember an aunt of mine – a nurse in Awstraaaaylia – telling similar stories.
One was of a chap with a light-bulb up his jacksie.
Glass end first!
Jeez!

What the hell? What a light bulb moment he had there. What a muppet. I am dumbfounded by the stupidity of people sometimes, Masher, I really am…

Nice bit of JuJu.
I just laughed, out loud, which is painful when you’ve had all your teeth pulled.

Why thank you, LSP. And I’m very sorry to have caused you pain but they do say laughter is the best medicine! 🙂

Yhe people who say that have obviously never tried Morphine.

The………….
Sorry ’bout that.

Or ever tried Margaritas…

Hope you’re doing OK, Mr Solaratov.

Doin’ all right. Gettin’ better. It’ll be kind of a long fight…but I’ve got time.
Doing a bunch of shooting, too (man-guns…not mouse-guns) 😉

Well I’m happy to hear that.
Ha! I expect you to be using canons and rocket launchers next!

*snork* I know it’s the impacted bum stories that will get the responses, but it’s the ‘inspirer’ tales that cracked me up. Mayhem may be a gift, but it’s also an art!

Well, anal humour always brings an audience for some reason. However, like you Grunt, I marvel at the everyday realities of life.

I think you may be right there! 🙂

Funny stuff Jules,
I have a friend who is an ER doc and he tells me stories like this all the time. 🙂

Hardnox, I’ve heard some that I daren’t even put on here and that’s saying something! 🙂

I hear ya. 🙂

My friend got quite descriptive after a few beers while the rest of us where rolling on the floor laughing.

These stories need to be written down and shared, H. We need to know the debauchery and deviants at play in our cotton wool world. #NameAndShame ;P

y’know shrimp on the barbie? i always thought it was a shrimp on top of a Barbie doll, not a barbecue. for many years i thought that’s how Australians were made.

every time i start to doubt Nietzsche i look at that large forehead i mean forred of his…

chocolate cha cha not to be confused with chocolate caca, different levels of kink

my mom the nurse would appreciate this post

Tina Belcher would appreciate this post, lots of butts

objet d’arse, hahahahahahahah

*)

It is how Austrailians are made, my sweet, you are very intuitive.

Reason and truth make for big forreds. Never doubt that.

Very different levels of kink. Ask your Mama – no, don’t, she might smack your arse and who knows where that would lead. *)

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