4.20 AM- Woke up with a start. Very odd shape, moving around wildly behind curtains. Obviously it’s a tree but I can’t recall having noticed this before. It appears to be shaped like a scythe. Then I see the shape of a gaunt, haunted face. OH MY GOD it’s the grim reaper. Don’t be stupid, it’s just my mind trying to find patterns (no it’s not it’s the grim reaper) SHUT UP. I find myself reverting to a 5 year old with monsters in her bedroom.
4.40 AM – I get out of bed (no I didn’t look behind the curtain) and walk gingerly downstairs. I walk gingerly because I have had a broken big toe. I am supposed to wear a hideous air boot now and then that makes me look like iron man but I don’t sleep in it. I find it catches on the duvet. At the bottom of the stairs I put on some slippers.
4.45 AM -I walk into the kitchen and start to prepare tea. There’s not much that can’t be resolved by a nice cup of tea. I must stop watching Supernatural marathons before going to bed. All those demons and shape shifters are obviously playing on my mind. The fact that Jenson Ackles who plays the character Dean is super hot, has nothing to do with the fact I watch it a lot.
4.50 AM. Total blackout. Power cut hits the house. Ok, now I’m officially FREAKED OUT. This is a real life, supernatural moment. I feel sick. First grim and now no power. Cue Freddy Kruger. I sit down and keep very still. I can hear odd noises. I live opposite the greenbelt where wild animals thrive, like savage bunnies (and werewolves) This is perfectly normal ( no it’s not, you know there are Leviathans outside) That noise is just a cow mooing (no it’s not, it’s a tortured moan) SHHH. I sit frozen to the seat. I want to go to the loo but I daren’t. Most people have heart attacks on the toilet and my heart is racing so fast it’s close to leaping out of my chest and making a bid for freedom. This is clearly grims plan.
5.16 AM – “Oh Cass?” (He’s an Angel in Supernatural) I call because if he shows up he can save me before I die of shock. If he doesn’t then I know this is just my silly imagination. Well of Course he doesn’t!
PING! – the electricity comes back on. PHEW.
OR...was that an Angelic move?
5.30 AM – I manage to prize myself from the chair to get the tea and move to the comfort of the sitting room. Was that an arachnid the size of my hand that I just saw zip across the floor? It’s too dark to see. Now everything looks spideresque. Maybe I’m in Hell.
5.40 AM – Hold on, doesn’t electricity go daft when ghosts are present? (yes, and the darkest hour is just before dawn)
5.50 AM – I need more tea. No, vodka. And harmonic noise. Normal noise (not monsters lurking in the shadows kind of noise) I put down my feet. ARRRRGH! there’s that tarantula! Feet zipped up at breaking speed back to sofa. BUT, not before I catch my toe on the coffee table. Which one? THE POORLY ONE, obviously. This is grims fault for chasing me out of my bedroom before I could strap sensible footwear on.
5.55 AM – I eventually run out of curse words at the pain.
6.00 AM – I hop very quickly back to the kitchen before I get weaved into the evil spiders web (and probably get turned into one by the demon in the shadows) to make more tea.
6.05AM – Can I see dawn breaking? (No, that’s Armageddon) I hear a cockerel crowing. I feel better until… I turn on the TV. It’s the weatherman pictured next to a globe covered in grey and rain. He smirks. I hate him. Passionately. He seems to find it amusing that we will have 6 months rain in a week. He’s OBVIOUSLY possessed.
6.15 – I venture back up the wooden hill to bedfordshire where I shall be staying put, demonic with relentless fatigue.