Amazonian to Amazon

September 11, 2017 2:37pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 22 Comments

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Look – there are things on my mind and if I don’t get them off my chest *looks at chest – can’t see things – what a weird saying. I digress…* then I can’t concentrate on the million and seventy-seven proper things I’m supposed to be doing. Don’t worry, you’ll still get your Whimsy On A Wednesday – I already have it prepared. THAT’S how good this week has been already…

So, let’s roll.

Back At Ya, Jules!

I hurt my back. Viciously. It happened on Thursday evening. Thus, my whole weekend has been totally ruined by disability and has caused me to fester and over analyse everything in the world. I have answers to every single problem on the planet – Go on – ask me!

On Saturday morning, after realising that paracetamol, rhubarb gin, my heated car seats and walking like a supermodel and yelling at everyone wasn’t working, I made an appointment with Physio The Rapist. Oh yeah.

Out strolled a gigantic, Amazonian woman. Brilliant. She isn’t gonna take any prisoners, is she?

“Juliette,” she snipped. “My room.”

Whoa…steady on chickadee. I ain’t down for those kinds of games…

“How have you hurt your back?” No small talk.

“Dunno. I wouldn’t mind if I’d fallen off an ‘oss or a pub stool or danced myself dizzy in a den of iniquity, but no.  Didn’t do a thing.”

“You must have done something. Explain to me the day it happened.”


“Well, I sat bleeding at a computer as usual. Not at my normal desk though. And I wasn’t on my normal, spinny, I look like a bossman chair, no. I had to sit on a hard dining chair at an angle cos I couldn’t get my laptop on the desk properly.”

She took a sharp intake of breath and shook her head.

“And then I walked for 45 minutes to meet my pal at the pub in ill fitting cowboy boots. Well, they’re not so much ill fitting but they aren’t trainers. Still, they’re the only ones I can get my Texan blade tucked into should I want to peel an apple.”

“It’s the desk. Sitting awkwardly will have caused serious spasms.” I wasn’t going to argue with her because she looked the sort that was well up on spasms. Besides, that meant walking in cowboy boots is OK. Like.

Protects Boots, Nearly Pukes And Leaves

“And the boots. This is still stupid.”

“Err, hold on a minute, love. Nobody calls my boots stupid. They are a work of art with shot pound coins and all manner of memory trinkets.”

“Walking for this length of time in bad footwear will bring you problems.”

GASP! How very dare she call my bewwwts, bad footwear! I nearly strode out but didn’t have a stride in me. Walking at a snail’s pace was effort enough.”

“Lie down. On front.”


“This very bad. Whole of left side is locked. You will need at least four sessions before OK.”

Oh yeah…This equates to ‘I need at least a ton twenty in cash to make it worth my while,’ therapist talk.

“Look, just go for it and let’s see how we go. You can’t hurt me, I like it hard.”

Dear Lord! Pain? I nearly puked through the face hole in the bed onto her gigantic feet.

She made it worse. Evil Dark Queen. Now I really do have to have four goes on the medieval punishment rack in case I break.

Talking of break…

The Kindle Swindle

It took me a long time to embrace the virtues of a Kindle. I’m very much a paper person. I like proper books and refused to be modernised. But then, with all the travelling I am forced to do, sigh, I realised that too many books were taking up essential shoe space in my luggage. Hmm.. I conceded and asked for one for Christmas. If you don’t buy it yourself, it doesn’t count against your principles. Of which I have many, obviously.

I didn’t use the bloody thing for four months. I didn’t like the feel of it. If you’ve got one, you’ll know what I mean. It feels like rough toilet paper. Or something. I ignored it. This resulted in the person who bought it for me, taking it away! Rude!

“Gimme my Kindle.”

“Why? You don’t use it so I am.”

“D’ya want a fight? Fine. I’ll use it. Give it back now before I feed it to you. ” I downloaded 36 books in the space of an hour to make a point. Then I got the usefulness of this funny little tablet.

So, what does it do? It goes and breaks. Well, I’m not sure if it was really the fault of the product or the fact I couldn’t remember which charger ( of the gazillion wires I have in my study) went into it. Having forced a few contenders, it ended up with the real one not going in. Bugger. Broke the port hole.

Amazon – Your Friendly Online Store

I’ve had a few run ins with this place because of the following:

*They once made me pay some Prime membership that I never asked for.
*They once sent me a gavel (oh yes, it’s true) instead of sending me a  Zen singing alarm clock.
*They delivered a whole pile of my books to the mad old bint down the road with the three legged dog and an aversion to strangers wanting their books back.
*Getting hold of them is the most painful experience ever.

Still, they’re the only ones who can mend the Kindle. Well, apart from some dodgy bloke just outside Gatwick airport who reckons he can sort it out but I didn’t like his ballsy tone and the way he dropped his H’s.

The Online Chat.

Amazon Kindle

Thankfully, not the chess chump sort but just as irritating.

After several wasted minutes trying to rip through the site and actually find someone to speak to, I got the chat line. For Kindle.

‘Hi- Kindle’s broke. Can you mend it?’

……. Vehesteen is typing………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………. Bloody Hell, Vehesteen, have you only got one sodding finger? Crack on!

………………. No Joke. Siri has learnt new curse words because of me. Well, because of Vehesteen.

‘Hello. My name is Vehesteen and I am here to help.’


‘Cool. So, my problem – can you sort it?’

…………………. Really?

‘It is very nice to meet you, Jules’

I’d like to say the same but FFS……

‘Right. My Kindle, V, it’s bollocksed.”

‘Would this be the Jules Kindle?’

No – it’s Harold’s – what do you think?

‘Yes, V. That will be the one.”

“Let me just check. Two minutes.


‘Hello, I’m back.’

Hello. I’m pissed off.


‘You have to go to the UK centre we are in US.’

‘But I WAS on the UK site! Why would I come to American Amazon? Besides, I don’t know what bloody time zone you’re in but it’s night – night time there!’

‘The link automatically brings you here, but here is the UK link.”

So help me God.

I had to go through it ALL. AGAIN. This time with Marihinsia who, I believe, didn’t actually have any fingers and probably types with a carrot.

‘Can you give me the Kindle serial number.’

‘Where’s that? Can’t find it.’

‘On the box.’

‘Not got the box. Why would I keep the box?’

‘Go into settings on Kindle and into device info. It will be there. ‘


Kindle battery low. Yeah, yeah I know. That’s cos I can’t charge you because you went and broke. I found it and started to type it in the chat box to Marihinsia.

‘G190 …….’ Sudden Kindle death. Kaput. Fin. ‘Err.. my Kindle just died.’

‘I need this to verify product.’

‘No. No, you don’t, M. I can’t give it to you. Just fix it. You’ll know it’s mine when you get it. I wouldn’t send Harold’s back and pay to get it mended, would I now? I cannot stress enough how close to the edge of violent frustration I am right now. I may self-combust.  Go and get a supervisor or the Kindle man, whatevs, but get me someone who is going to sort this out.’

‘I will be back shortly…………………………………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………..Maybe in twelve years…….before one of us dies………..or the ice age begins……….and Bruce Jenner is President…………………

I got so annoyed that I stood up very quickly in utter frustration, pulled my already pulled back, dropped my laptop and lost the chat connection.

I never wanted a blasted, stupid, horrible Kindle in the first place.



Leave a reply

I use the Kindle ap on my I-Pad. It works better than a traditional Kindle machine – which I once had but abandoned. You can use the Kindle ap on your MacBook. Try that.

As to your back and the boots — I guess that it’s back to track shoes for daily wear — unless you’re in Texas, and then there are expectations and you may need to suffer with your back. However in Houston, you’d need Wellington Boots to get around (cue Billy Connolly these days.

See that’s what I should have done, Larry!

I’m hoping that after session 2 tomorrow I will be better. I have to be. I’m sensibly wearing converse at the moment and just gazing adoringly at my bewwwts which will be donned for Houston bad back or not! 🙂

If it wisnae fur yer wellies, where would ya be! Love that man.

I’ve got a bad case of ‘computer neck’ myself at the moment. Was thinking of going to the Physio but you have just put me
off. See if you can pick up some tips over your next three visits and maybe you could sort it out, although I’m guessing the slight technical hitch might be that you don’t have a medieval punishment rack round at your place!

Rick, I have a whole sheet full of exercises so I can help you out there. Got some brilliant neck ones. Try this. Look up at the ceiling (OK, you might wanna read this first) and then blow 20 kisses to the ceiling. Seriously, that’s an exercise. I just did it in Costa with my friend and got a free latte. Not kidding.
I haven’t got a medieval punishment rack but I reckon a bar top would suffice. You game? ;P

Always game when there is a bar involved!! Just let me know when you are fit. I tried your exercise by the way (in private), it hurt a bit, but will keep trying it.

Next week! Right now I have NO plans so let’s roll. I told you that was a good exercise, see! Got more. Just been again and I now know every neck exercise. By the time I’ve finished with you, you’ll be like an owl. Your round for the privilege. AND Jaffa cakes ;P

* I only pick up coins with Caesar on the heads

* *looks at chest**

* I wore a back brace all through my schooling. made me isolated and nice and tall. now I don’t need school anymore cos I play in the NBA.

* if a Zen alarm clock sings, does it make a sound?

* Marihinsia is such a crystalline beautiful name. can I be Marihinsia? *)


It makes a vibrational- audible-acoustic-stereo-phonic-mono sound. That’s how special it is. But not as successful as a gavel.

No, my sweet. I renamed you Suzianne. You can have the monniker Marihinsia for special occasions like ‘knock-a-door-run’ and going to the Cinnabon shop. *)

I love my Kindle.
It’s the original and I’ve had it for years.
And it still works perfectly.
Because I look after my gadgets.
Unlike some others I could mention.

Alright, alright! Actually, I bought this stupid little thing a cover! I tried to look after it, and look what happens. The problem with the modern world and all my gadgets are there are too many wires, connections, chargers etc. I don’t know what goes where anymore. At least Apple has the foresight to make theirs white and stick a fruit monogram on. It’s all too much for me. It’s time they invented things that never run out of juice.

Jules, the Kindle is worth repairing. I couldn’t live without mine now and I used to be a paperback fan . Hope your back gets better before you have to sit on another cramped plane seat!

The Kindle may be but Amazon is not, Jane. However, as it happens, I sent an e mail to them instead of playing ‘rest of my life’ chat. Guess what? They’re sending me a brand new one – no questions asked. Huh. Moral of the story? Always e mail. 🙂

Just been again and got pummelled. Apparently, my piriformis muscle is tighter than a Scot at a bar. I wouldn’t bloody mind if it made my arse look better but it doesn’t!

There’s a special kind of satisfaction to be had from shooting UK currency. I don’t know why, but there is is. And Kindles can be alright too, I use my “Fire” as a kind of jukebox, I guess it works for books as well. Then, when it dies, kill it again at the range, along with all those redundant cell phones and associated useless tech. Hmmm. I see a Kindle Jihad looming up in the not so distant future. And a unicorn hunt, vicious beasts.

Oh YES! That’s it. I’m shooting it. Load up the AR-15 and clear the decks. I want to totally destroy it. God, I already feel better at the thought! Well done, LSP on such excellent advice! Hail Texas. 🙂


Yes, yes, yes.

Problem? Solution.

I concur!

Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Missy. Do you know what won’t break on you? Ever? A proper book! You know…paper, glue ink. That thing. Get back on it.

I’m having pain issues, too. We should get together and work out our aches.

Back on it, M. Should never have left!

I think a bit of Central Park therapy is in order. 🙂

Sorry to be so delayed in my comments Jules, but I wanted to wait until your back was better for fear you may ask me to do something for you whilst you were in your painful condition (such as moving that heavy box full of your discarded paperbacks) that may result in my own back problems.
I once tried a Kindle, but it broke the 1st time I dogeared a page. Bloody waste of money.
Love the boots !
Your Friend In Need,

Should I start calling you Tardy Terry, eh? Shocking. Really. I expected better from such a debonair, dry witted and excellent fellar. Tch! Just shows how easily one can be hoodwinked, dunnit?

Since you love my boots and clearly have exceptional taste, I’ll let it go this time…..
Obviously, I’m far too classy to react to the “Discarded paperbacks” comment. Hahahahaha…<~~~ deadpan face. *Makes note in black book in red pen saved for 'special' kinds of people.* The pages in a Kindle are rubbish. Nearly as rubbish as friends in need... ;P

As long as you don’t call me “Libtardy Terry” or “Retardy Terry”, I will be OK with it.
And, quoting the Great Rodney Dangerfield in the classic movie “Back To School”,
“Call me when you got no class”.

This is the problem when you spend all day punching random numbers into your phone and expecting someone to answer – you never know what you’re gonna get. I got a luminous, gas discharge man, a raisin bran eating vegan and someone packing oversized swimming trunks. Close, but no banana…. 😛

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