Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
Happy New Year to all my fabulous readers!
National Park And Pride
In the true spirit of change and resolution, I took myself off to the gym this morning and figured it must have been a while since I went because everything had changed: new-fangled machinery, high tech TV’s, everything in a different place, and so on. I halted on the spot like a deer in the headlights looking like one of those new people who roll up with their posh water bottle, shiny lycra clothes, and blinding-white trainers, even though I’ve been a member of this gym for years.
I finally figured out where the cross trainer was and hopped onto it pretending to figure out the playlist on my phone whilst surreptitiously looking at the new equipment and wondering how the sodding hell it worked.
“Touchscreen”, it said. Easy. Like an iPhone. I got this.
However, it wasn’t like an iPhone AT. All. And it kept asking me to enter my “Wellbeing” status for motivational help and tracking. I kept pressing buttons in the vain hope it would do something and I ended up cross-training my way around Yosemite Park. Yes. Indeed.
The arty-farty new equipment allows you to be visually stimulated as though you’re running through a beautiful area and there are many to choose from. Since I’ve always fancied a gander at this National Park I went for free this morning for 30 minutes which saved me £800 in flights. Tomorrow I’m going to India.
And then, shame upon shame. “Follow TV guidance” kept popping up on the screen. I looked around to see what was going on and when I realised, the whole of the packed to the rafters gym watched my heart rate spike to heart attack level. There, on the big TV on the wall, in front of all the psycho cardiopaths, were my details: speed – heart rate- challenges, goals and DESPERATE FAILINGS. I’m surprised it didn’t have warning lights and buzzers because it may as well have done, “This is what happens when you stay away from the gym and eat shit and drink gin.” Needless to say, I just lost 700 calories via humiliation and embarrassment.
A Bird On The Hand Is Worth A Few Gone To Mush
I received lots of lovely gifts for Christmas but there are two that made the whole event much more fun.
The family tradition is to sit around and open up presents one-by-one and “Ooh” and “Aghhh” at each other’s prizes. In my pile lay a present from my mother and on the label it said, “This is to be opened last.”
The time came. Everybody had finished and all that was left was for me to unwrap the mystery gift.
“Everybody pay attention and wait until you see this,” my mother said.
“Is it going to blow up?” I asked.
“No. Not yet.”
“Do I have to be careful?” I queried, as I tore into the box.
Somebody else muttered something sarcastic to me, I don’t remember what exactly as I’m used to smart arses in my family.
“You’re going to regret saying that!” my mother warned.
And then, before I’d even seen what my gift was another family member uttered (in a low and fearful voice ) “OH. MY. GOD. If this is what I think it is then we’ve gotta ….RUN!!!!”
People upped and sped out of the living room like their lives depended on it, screaming advice to each other as they scarpered.
“QUICK! GET OUTSIDE BEFORE SHE COMES!”
“I CAN”T FIND MY SHOES! SAVE YOURSELF!”
You don’t expect to hear these fear-fuelled words leave people’s mouths as you open up your presents on Christmas Day. Unless, of course, you belong to my tribe and have been tormented by me for years.
As soon as I unwrapped the present I shrieked with delight and ran out of the room after my traumatised victims. One was behind a chair crying and begging me not to hurt them and the other had locked themselves outside in the cold and taken the key with them so I couldn’t get out.
Now to everyone else, this is just a harmless hand puppet. To those who know me well, this is a terrible monster that had now, in their eyes, just come to life.
“Bobble” is a bird-type character that I invented with just my hand as the tool to bring laughter and fear into many peoples lives for a long time. And then he appeared in full body via a Christmas gift ready to scare the crap out of everyone. And Oh, how well that went!
I can’t tell you of my excitement. The power of the puppet master reigns.
Talking Of Hand Held Happiness…
My other gift is a gadget I spied on an American TV advert recently and wanted immediately. They have only just come out and I am the first person in my city to have one. Even the staff at Jessops camera shop didn’t have their stock item yet and so I let them play with mine. This made me the queen of nerd heaven.
I LOVE IT.
And now, with both hands occupied all I can do is run my mouth. Again. So, I’ll leave you with this piece of wisdom: 2019 is the year of the pig. I don’t know what that means exactly but I think it means you can eat as much bacon as you want.
This year is looking good already.