Arse Into Gear And Hands Full

January 2, 2019 6:41pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 15 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Happy New Year to all my fabulous readers!  

National Park And Pride

In the true spirit of change and resolution, I took myself off to the gym this morning and figured it must have been a while since I went because everything had changed: new-fangled machinery, high tech TV’s, everything in a different place, and so on. I halted on the spot like a deer in the headlights looking like one of those new people who roll up with their posh water bottle, shiny lycra clothes, and blinding-white trainers, even though I’ve been a member of this gym for years. 

I finally figured out where the cross trainer was and hopped onto it pretending to figure out the playlist on my phone whilst surreptitiously looking at the new equipment and wondering how the sodding hell it worked. 

“Touchscreen”, it said.  Easy. Like an iPhone. I got this.  

However, it wasn’t like an iPhone AT. All. And it kept asking me to enter my “Wellbeing” status for motivational help and tracking. I kept pressing buttons in the vain hope it would do something and I ended up cross-training my way around Yosemite Park. Yes. Indeed.  

The arty-farty new equipment allows you to be visually stimulated as though you’re running through a beautiful area and there are many to choose from. Since I’ve always fancied a gander at this National Park I went for free this morning for 30 minutes which saved me £800 in flights. Tomorrow I’m going to India. 

And then, shame upon shame. “Follow TV guidance” kept popping up on the screen. I looked around to see what was going on and when I realised, the whole of the packed to the rafters gym watched my heart rate spike to heart attack level. There, on the big TV on the wall, in front of all the psycho cardiopaths, were my details:  speed – heart rate- challenges, goals and DESPERATE FAILINGS.  I’m surprised it didn’t have warning lights and buzzers because it may as well have done, “This is what happens when you stay away from the gym and eat shit and drink gin.” Needless to say, I just lost 700 calories via humiliation and embarrassment. 

A Bird On The Hand Is Worth A Few Gone To Mush

I received lots of lovely gifts for Christmas but there are two that made the whole event much more fun. 

The family tradition is to sit around and open up presents one-by-one and “Ooh” and “Aghhh” at each other’s prizes.  In my pile lay a present from my mother and on the label it said, “This is to be opened last.” 

The time came. Everybody had finished and all that was left was for me to unwrap the mystery gift. 

 “Everybody pay attention and wait until you see this,” my mother said.

“Is it going to blow up?”  I asked.

“No. Not yet.”

“Do I have to be careful?” I queried, as I tore into the box. 

“No.”

Somebody else muttered something sarcastic to me, I don’t remember what exactly as I’m used to smart arses in my family.

“You’re going to regret saying that!” my mother warned.

And then, before I’d even seen what my gift was another family member uttered (in a low and fearful voice ) “OH. MY. GOD.  If this is what I think it is then we’ve gotta ….RUN!!!!”

People upped and sped out of the living room like their lives depended on it, screaming advice to each other as they scarpered.

“QUICK! GET OUTSIDE BEFORE SHE COMES!”

“I CAN”T FIND MY SHOES!  SAVE YOURSELF!”

You don’t expect to hear these fear-fuelled words leave people’s mouths as you open up your presents on Christmas Day.  Unless, of course,  you belong to my tribe and have been tormented by me for years. 

As soon as I unwrapped the present I shrieked with delight and ran out of the room after my traumatised victims. One was behind a chair crying and begging me not to hurt them and the other had locked themselves outside in the cold and taken the key with them so I couldn’t get out. 

Meet Bobble.

Now to everyone else, this is just a harmless hand puppet.  To those who know me well, this is a terrible monster that had now, in their eyes, just come to life.

  “Bobble” is a bird-type character that I invented with just my hand as the tool to bring laughter and fear into many peoples lives for a long time.  And then he appeared in full body via a Christmas gift ready to scare the crap out of everyone. And Oh, how well that went!

I can’t tell you of my excitement. The power of the puppet master reigns. 

Talking Of Hand Held Happiness…

My other gift is a gadget I spied on an American TV advert recently and wanted immediately. They have only just come out and I am the first person in my city to have one. Even the staff at Jessops camera shop didn’t have their stock item yet and so I let them play with mine. This made me the queen of nerd heaven.  

The Osmo Pocket. 

I LOVE IT.

And now, with both hands occupied all I can do is run my mouth. Again. So, I’ll leave you with this piece of wisdom:  2019 is the year of the pig. I don’t know what that means exactly but I think it means you can eat as much bacon as you want.

This year is looking good already. 

15 Comments

Leave a reply

That is a really cool gift and I want one too… the Osmo, not the bird-puppet thing.
Let’s make that very clear, right now, I do not want the bird-puppet thing.

How about taking it to the gym… the Osmo, not the bird-puppet thing – ‘cos that’ll get you thrown out, for being weird – and then you can share your run around India, with us.

Even better, take the Osmo AND the bird-puppet thing and then we’ll be able to see you being thrown out of the gym for being weird.

I’d pay to see that. 🙂

It’s brilliant, Masher! You will love it! And the Osmo pocket!

So, I get the feeling that you too are a little scared of Bobble… He can smell fear from 3 county’s away. Be afraid.

People think I’m weird already and I’d only be reinforcing the fact by behaving like that. Best to keep them on the edge of wonderment as it breeds fear. Bobble agrees.

Seriously, on the Osmo, go and get one! 🙂

Merry Christmas to you Julsie from the Pacific Northwest.

And a Happy New Year, VM! X

this is my Resolution: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYsoM_pMRvQ

Peloton, where after one bike ride round the world you look like a supermodel. only calories biked in driving snow or driving rain count toward flattening your stomach.

I love Bobble! you look like a right street magician in that spotlight photo. can I write the pilot? I’m thinking Bobble becomes the head of Penguin Publishing through a coup and Toucan Sam is angry about this cos he was the rightful inheritor so he flies back home from America to pick at Bobble’s head with his beak. Bobble suggests a lightsaber duel with beaks to square things. well, to curve things. in the end they hold feathers and do a duet of “Doin’ The Pigeon…”

that settles it, i’m now Chinese. and I was just getting used to my Osmo drone. it means if Spider-Man comes to save you this year he will come only as Spider-Ham. or Peter Porker as his friends in the industry call him *)

I can’t cope with no end goal. I will fail. I can’t be my own competition without utter disaster befalling me. I’m on day 3 of my health kick and still going strong! If I make a week I need some sort of award ceremony.

I knew you’d love Bobble, my sweet! What’s not to love about him? I’m more than happy for you to start that script. Bobble likes it a lot!

I don’t need saving now. I am the saver. I have my Osmo, Bobble and Kevin. All areas covered! *)

Happy New Year, Jules.

> posh water bottle, shiny lycra clothes, and blinding-white trainers
Ah, yes. THAT lot. Enough said.

Hah! That Osmo Pocket video demonstrates that DJI is indeed a Chinese company. Almost entirely white people in the video, except for a few East Asians, and I think exactly two either SE Asian or Hispanic persons. Not one African face, though a hand is seen at 2:12. Because the Chinese don’t play diversity. (And why yes, I HAVE been trained to notice this sort of thing by my betters.)

Happy New Year, Mike!

There’s loads of them at the gym though not so many at 7.30 AM this morning. Thank God.

I just re-watched it and you’re right! Maybe I should do a counter promo vid? 😉

All that new gym equipment offers distractions from the work at hand. Exercising is time consuming, boring and, most of all, painful. If they can show you pretty pictures and take your mind off of the misery that is working out. I went back to the gym. My first visit since August since having a back issue. Holy Mother of God. My arms and chest are on fire. Long breaks = pain.

M, I can barely type after 3 days of it. Today I went to Lake Tahoe. Another trip is done. I might do a beach visit tomorrow. I’m not ready for India yet.

Glad you are recovering. Get those rowing arms back in shape, mister! 🙂

Happy New Year girl.

Good luck with your resolutions. Me, I don’t make them. If it’s a good idea I implement immediately. 🙂

Happy New Year, Nox!

Well, so far, so good. But it is ME we’re talking about…

That’s cowboy logic for ya but then I’m a quirky English bird and things are not that simple to me! #SeverelyLacksLogic

I know that Christmas isn’t just about gifts, there’s more to the season. Bit Cloth of silver? Different story , obviously.

I see what you did there, LSP! 😉

[…] Instead, I got a puppet. […]

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