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Fizz, Florals & Flying Away

August 3, 2022 8:04pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 17 Comments

paerflower angel design by jules smith

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

As I ate my breakfast the other day I decided it was time to coddiwomple outta here. 

Breakfast is a favourite meal of mine and a time I like to contemplate things. My breakfast used to be splendiferous before my gallbladder got into a fight with bacon. However, I still enjoy a muffin with a vegan sausage and a Burford Brown poached egg followed by a nice cup of tea in my favourite pig mug. You may wonder why I eat a vegan sausage when England is known for its suspect and rather tasty bangers. Well, I still have PTSD from certain foods that caused me vicious gallbladder attacks. I once ate a sausage cob during that time and spent the next 5 hours thinking an alien was going to burst from my stomach with gnashing teeth. I turned immediately to a Richmond meat-free sausage that tasted remarkably like their normal sausages and I have yet to return to the meat version. I think I’ve rather taken to them. 

After my feed, I do the daily Wordle and 3 crosswords to make sure that I am still able to function in the big outside. 

It turns out I’m not, my friends – because I’m an addict. 

Swim said the mummy fish swim if you can and they swam and they swam right into my mouth

I am totally reliant on these sour jelly fish. Another food faux-pas that has happened since gallstones. These were bought for me by a Fizzy Fish dealer when it was found that I was unable to eat anything with fat in it. That was chocolate, cakes, puddings, and all forms of joy out of the window. Until the fish came swimming my way.

I tried the fish and I fell hard. I don’t know why because they have a sour taste that makes your tabs laugh and has you looking like a bulldog with weeping mouth ulcers on first impact. However, it’s a nice pain; an enjoyable sweet and sour experience that totally snares you. It got to the point that I would get most stroppy if there weren’t any in the house. 

“May I come round and visit, Jules?”

“Only if you bring Fizzy Fish.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Don’t come empty-handed or I’ll feed you to the wolfits. Just bring the damn fish!”

The addiction finally reached intervention stage, particularly when I noticed that my urine was becoming effervescent. 

As a cure I decided to paint them rather than eat them as apparently you can open neurological pathways by painting and drawing and heal yourself from addictions and stresses. I lay the closed packet in front of me and… It didn’t work – I scoffed them all down afterwards like a dependant mess.

Flower Power

Apparently, nature has a way of curing everything and I always feel at my best when outside in the countryside. Perfect. I’ll do that. And take pictures of flowers and pick them. And do flower art!

Vintage Flowers

The art of pressing flowers was very popular in Victorian England and also even more so in Japan where it is called Oshibana.  And we all know how I feel about Japanese things. 

I collected quite a few specimens over a few weeks on my walks with the dogs – just random meadow flowers swaying on the verges. I stuck them in-between books and then later berated myself severely when some of them marked the pages. I’ve since bought a flower press. 

I wanted to make some vintage art in hanging glass frames to adorn the walls of my eclectic house. My daily walk remembered forever. However, I didn’t realise what a pain in the arse this would be.

It’s a funny art, making pictures from pressed flowers, and it requires infinite patience and steadiness – both are qualities in which I am severely lacking. These flowers are extremely delicate once dried and can turn to dust as soon as touched. 

PSH! No, I will not be in your art. I disintegrate.

Sometimes, when you place the flowers on the glass to form a beautiful picture, bits of them drop off just to test your nerve. When you finally get it just so and hold your breath in delight (and because breathing blows petals away and is not conducive to this art) and lower the second piece of glass down onto them, they all move and you have to start all over again. Oh, the rapturous joy! 

When you watch things like Downton Abbey or Pride and Prejudice you don’t see Victorian ladies cursing and stamping their feet and threatening to smash all their picture frames. Not ever. I wonder how pent up they must have been and how they didn’t die of heart attacks or violent rages against humanity. I mean, here they are having to do fiddly- finicky- florals whilst trussed up in a corset and high-necked dress and having to be polite about the matter and to everyone around them. There’s no way I could have done that. I would have rebelled and taken to smoking cigars and drinking whisky with the men and then I would have been shipped off to America on a boat to meet my demise with a gun-wielding psycho. 

Anyway, once done these pretty pictures are a vision to behold. Most fetching indeed. But then I thought, actually, it’s rather cruel. Beautiful flower, your end is nigh. Just when you felt the warm glow of the summer sun on your pretty face along I came to tear you from the ground, slam you between a book until you die of dehydration and then pin you between the glass so I can stare at your faded beauty forever.

Pretty nasty, that.

I have since taken to painting made-up flowers because that doesn’t harm anyone or anything. Anyway, as I was saying right at the beginning of this post, I have decided to coddiwomple because this is the ultimate cure for a whimsically natured, fizzy fish addict. 

At the end of this month, I shall be going to Switzerland. I have wanted to go there for such a long time. The place looks wholesome and beautiful with gorgeous lakes and mountains, yodellers, and pink-cheeked girls that look like Heidi running down hills in duck-egg blue ankle-length pinafores. Well-fed brown cows with big bells around their necks trundle after them and the air is filled with magic and promise. And they have cheese with holes. I can’t wait!

I’m so excited that I have invented a travelling artist’s journal that I made from scratch using beautiful papers and matte lamination.

This is because I couldn’t find a suitable travelling painting kit anywhere. One that I could pick up and take with me.

Mine has a paint brushes section, waterproof pockets for blotting papers etc, removable watercolour paper, waterproof brown paper, and binding clips to hold the paper flat.

There’s a section for pencils and fine pen liners, a notebook, other sewn-in pockets for tapes and sample papers, and a tiny portable palette of watercolour paints that fit in an inside pocket at the back.

All items are removable and can be replaced or changed around so that the book is forever useable.

See, I knew my neurological pathways had been zapped open. You can’t find that kind of genius on Amazon. 

The Gall Of It

July 13, 2022 4:46pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments

urban Angel by Jules Smith

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I don’t know what you should feel like after gallbladder surgery but how I feel now, six days after the event, is a bit like a jacket potato. You know, when you take it out of the oven, lob it on a plate, cut in half and mash it up inside with your fork. I’d say I feel a bit like that.  

I had keyhole which is the least invasive kind of surgery even though three incisions were made and things invaded my inners. Ewww. I am now an incomplete human and on some level that freaks me out a bit. 

This is all the fault of American bacon. 

Sock It Up

The most terrifying thing to me was the thought of being put to sleep. I don’t like being forced to do anything but being roofied by a bunch of strangers with knives is not top of my list. I think the scariest thing is, “Am I going to wake up on the other side?”

I arrived at 7 AM at the hospital and was given a room with a TV and a reclining chair and my own bathroom. I was told to get into my new attire of hospital gown, disgusting see-through woven pants, and the icing on the haute-couture cake, thick knee-length anti DVT socks. In a becoming shade of navy blue. 

Putting these on was like trying to add a second skin.

“Does the doc have a schoolgirl fetish? I don’t want him getting distracted…”

“Err… “

“Just kidding. Honestly, someone should TikTok me in this outfit. This could go viral.”

Apparently, I need to keep these socks on for 2 weeks non-stop. Right in the middle of an English heatwave in plus 30C. Lovely.

The Sneak

I got bumped from fourth on the list to second and then spent the next three hours working myself up into a fear frenzy. Why have I been bumped up? Am I a risk? Dear God, please save me. I’m gonna be so good this time. Every time I heard footsteps approaching my room I would hyperventilate and promise untold things to anything that could disintegrate a gallstone.

The nurse eventually came back, stuck her head around the wall like a mad woman from The Shining and said, “Here’s Johnny!” “It’s time…”

I nearly peed my new sexy pants and had it not been for the fact I hadn’t had any food or drink for a day, I think I would have.

I had to walk, without fainting, all the way to the theatre where I met my anaesthetist and a scrub nurse. I was handed over to them. 

They untied my gown, got me to lie down on a trolley and straight away put one of those canolas in the back of my hand. Bloody hate those things – Nasty little devices. Anyway, my anaesthetist was quite a funny man and he started chatting with me. Like I didn’t know what they were up to, lulling me into a false sense of security before taking away my control.

“Which one of your books should we read then, Jules?”

“Well, considering your profession, The Meaning of Life, obviously.”

“Haha, that sounds interesting. The Meaning Of Life…”

“Hmmm.”

“What do you think it is?” asked the scrub nurse.

“Well, I think it’s…”

“You might start to feel a bit druggy,” interrupted the anaesthetist.

A bit druggy? What kind of lingo is that for a top-paid medical professional, eh?  I have to say, that made me like him. No airs and graces or showing off. And he wasn’t lying.

“WHOA! That’s one margarita too many!” I said, as the drugs hit my system and I felt as drunk as a  Lord who’d misplaced his britches. 

“What’s a margarita?” asked the nurse.

“Are you serious, lady? You haven’t lived. It’s the world’s best ever cocktail, right drug lord?” I tried to look squarely at my drugger but he appeared to be laughing, a lot like The Joker. 

“She’s right.”

“Well, I’ve never had one,” nursey replied.

“Well that needs to be wectifwied bleh – yewww need one in eeeech hand, pweferablyyyy. Bleh, I can’t bwoody well talk.”

And then, I swear I heard my drugger say the word, “Sneaky”

“Sneaky!” I shouted. “What do you mean, sneeeeaky?!”

“What?! What are you on about?!”

“Yewww sneaky man. SNEAKY ANAESTHETIST!

And that’s the last thing I remember. Way to go Jules. Pick on the one man who is responsible for your life.

Time For A Bucharest

I then remember being constantly prodded in a different room with other nurses. 

“Breathe Jules, breathe. Deep breaths please.”

Oxygen is on 6 – she’s not breathing properly. 

PROD – “Breathe – come on – time to wake up.” The drugger came back and said the same. 

“I’m tired!” I mean come on, you’ve just been breathing for me and now expect me to do it all on my own? I’m lazy! 

“ I simply must go to Bulgaria,” I said to the nurse next to me. Why did I say this? I have no idea. My mental state at this point is a complete mystery.

The nurse from The Shining re-appeared.“Hi Jules, remember me?”

“Yes, Johnny.”

“What’s your pain level from one to ten?”

“Eight”

“Ooh, that’s not good.”

I had been given two lots of tablets and was then given another. Five tablets later and my pain had only dropped to a firm seven. 

A major discussion went on about moving me from my current electric trolley to another less favourable trolley. “We can’t move her, she’s in too much pain. I know theatre needs this one but we can’t do it. We need to take her back on this. 

“Can you move, Jules?”

“No, don’t touch me, lady. Shhh, tired….”

 I got wheeled off on the posh trolley and felt a sense of sweet victory. Why? I don’t know. If this is the true me coming out then I have more issues than I realised. 

Hello Poppy, Have You Seen That Red Pigeon?

It was then decided that I needed a doctor-prescribed pill to kill the pain and off the nurse went to see my surgeon. She came back with a tablet for me to swallow.

I don’t know what happened but I went into some kind of unresponsive consciousness where my only focus was on a red pigeon that was trying to get into my window. The rest of the room was spinning. However, my pain went from eight to zero and they even managed to get me into the chair. Problem was, that I apparently went into an opioid crisis. My heart began racing, medical staff gathered and whispered about me in the corners of the room, they elevated my legs, stood me up, sat me back down again, and started on the “DEEP BREATHS, JULES” malarkey again. See, I kept falling back to dribblesville and they needed me to wake up. No chance. I was smacked off my tits.

The next step was to flush this thing out with tons of water and tea. Never in all my life have I drank so much fluid. But here’s the funny thing, despite drinking two full jugs of water, I had absolutely no saliva.

I found this out when the nurse tried to get me to eat something. A cup of tea and a packet of Digestive biscuits. There is no greater thing in England than this combination and particularly after starving yourself and going through six months of salad and broccoli. Oh, sweet Heaven! How you have blessed me! A pack of two Digestives lay provocatively on my table and I could have wept with joy. Slowly, I unwrapped them. Not to savour the moment but because my hands were trembling so violently from my magic pill. Better not dunk it just yet, I thought smartly.

Well… never in all my life have I been so violently disappointed. Eating the biscuit was just like eating builders sand and it accumulated in my mouth like a choking hazard. I went quickly for the tea, gulping both down together and trying desperately not to cough my stitches open. Two hours it took me to eat those biscuits with no saliva. Two. Hours. 

I still remained out of it and they wouldn’t allow me to go home. “Look at her eyes,” the nurses kept saying. “She’s gone.” Even the sneaky anaesthetist came to check in on me. 

Next, they tried a sandwich.

Egg and cress with a little pot of crisps and a side salad. Again, to witness such a plate of luxury made me so excited but I really wasn’t hungry. Still, I took a picture of it cos nobody would believe that this was hospital food! 

Eventually, hours after I should have left, they let me go. The nurse tried again to explain my after-care and I simply told her that I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Thankfully, she had the sense to write it all down on the back of my dismissal papers. I went home, a little bit green, rather unsteady and blissfully unaffected by anything. And it sounds like it ended just perfectly, right?

No. SMACK BANG! came my reality the next day. On only over-the-counter meds that just weren’t cutting it, an allergy to flowers in the room that were making me sneeze (not funny when simply glued together with one wound left open to discharge stuff) And then, three days constipated from the opioids causing untold discomfort that ended in me fighting for my life in the downstairs loo when I departed with what seemed like a litter of puppies in a cold sweat. 

Suffice it to say, as wonderful as my NHS staff were, I hope we do not meet again. 

All Drawn Out

June 29, 2022 1:12pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 12 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I must be honest, I’m not feeling too whimsical as I have to have my operation next week and I’m a rather bit terrified. This time next week it will all be over and I’ll be on the road to recovery and bacon sandwiches again. However, this week I am basically starving, stressing, shielding, and salivating over other people’s dinners. The days are so long…

I am unable to write anything constructive even though I have a wonderful idea for the next rom-com which I will start when I know I’m still alive.  In the meantime, I have been drawing. Drawing helps me focus. I’m trying to get better at it and actually enjoy the process. I just have to be careful not to stab anyone in the eye with my pencil if they say something I don’t like. One can get a little frustrated when all joys are removed, but here’s where I’m at. Suck it up, buttercup.

Anyway, that’s all the whimsy I’ve got for you. Here’s some art philosophy.

Pick a line:

Settle Hers

Bikini Line

Itsy Bitsy

Yee -Her 

She Side

 

A Sign Of The Times

June 22, 2022 4:41pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 15 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I’m definitely a coddiwompler and would say that my most favourite thing in the world is coddiwompling.  I haven’t done much of it lately but I intend to change that from August onwards. I have plans to release myself into the world.

Talking of escape…

I have been watching the well-known property show Escape to the Country where they find people houses away from the city. These townies now want to be rural folk and try their hand at cooking on an Aga and owning pet pigs. 

Since working from home has now become a viable option for many, countryside locations are becoming insanely popular and house prices outside of London are skyrocketing. I believe Devon is the most popular place to flee at the moment and getting a house there is nearly impossible. 

Anyway, what I have noticed on this show is how pretty some of the village signs are in the UK.

How have I not ever noticed this before?

How, having lived here all my lovely life, have I missed this enamel art that welcomes one into a pretty hamlet? How oblivious of me. 

Apparently, it was King Edward VII who started the trend of having fancy pants cast iron signs on the Sandringham estate. Since then they stand proudly in most villages depicting the history and feel of the place which is slightly alarming as there seem to be a lot of gravestones in most of them. 

There are some villages that don’t really make an effort and obviously need to have a chat with the Parish Council and then there are some that are glorious.

If I ever move to a village I will check out the sign first to make sure it is worthy and maintains Great British standards. As you can see, I’m keeping a close eye on those near to me.

Talking of signs…

People are flocking to a local beauty spot and nature reserve to see an unusual tourist attraction.

A naked man wanders around with his dog, clearly confusing nature reserve with naturist.  At first glance he looks like he has creamy shorts on but on closer inspection…errr, ahem.. oh dear.  One man said, “It’s putting people off coming.”  I kid you not. You have to live in England to believe it. 

Talking of unbelievable…

I put £99.00 of diesel in my truck the other day (to my American friends that’s $122 )

Which only gave me 3/4 of a tank. 

It’s time to get my yellow pushbike back out. 

Take note…

In the meantime, I have been hand-making journals so I can write down the incredulous goings-on in the world:

Like the monster cost of things…

How only nature can save you from the stress of everything…

How it’s time to cowboy up…

before you become spineless and accepting of the fact that an aubergine at Sainsbury’s now costs £1.50.

Maybe that’s why there’s a naked guy in the park – he can’t afford his leccy bill never mind his meat and 2 veg. 

 

Flower Power

June 8, 2022 11:22am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 10 Comments

 

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Warning: Things are about to get floral.

And that’s because a few weeks ago I went to the Chelsea Flower Show with my mother.

On the walk through London, the shops were getting their floral displays on and things were getting decorated for the recent Platinum Jubilee Weekend. 

God Save The Queen

How About A Right Royal Sit Down?

What’s Not To Like About Cartier Covered In Roses?

Here Comes The Sun

How Very Wonderland

The Chelsea Flower Show is one of those bucket list things that you really need to do if you like very beautiful gardens, flowers, sculptures, and being a bit of a poser in Chelsea. It’s incredibly expensive to go and whilst there a quart bottle of water and a calypso ice lolly for 2 cost me £12.00. I was unable to resist being a bit snippy with the person selling them. I mean, twelve nicker for water and frozen water? Outrageous. 

The flowers were pretty though…

Turning Japanese

Lily Of The Valley, Ma’am

And Sanctuary Gardens

Through the Tree, Through the Tree, You Will See…

Artistry

And Lest We Forget – The Chelsea Vet

During our week in London, we travelled around and went to visit the area where I grew up in Hampton Wick.

This house is where I lived and apparently where my father ran and jumped through a plate-glass window shouting “Geronimo” at one of my parents’ house parties. We had a squirrel called Harold that used to knock on the kitchen window for nuts. 

We then walked into Kingston Upon Thames. I remember hating going into Kingston shopping and always got a bad tummy ache. My parents didn’t believe me and thought I was making it up because I didn’t want to traipse around the shops. They used to call it “Kingston Tummy”

However, it was very real. I remembered the concrete balustrades on the bridge and how sick I used to feel. Here they are!

 All these years later when I saw them again I still had a tummy ache. Perhaps I’ve had this evil boulder of a gallstone for longer than I thought? 

We had a wonderful time there and I think I may have got over Kingston Tummy after drinking an avocado smoothie with ginger because that’s about the sum total of food joy I have. As you can see, I’m taking it well.

 

 

It’s All Going On…

June 1, 2022 3:37pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments

Ummm… Not Sure About The Whimsy But It Is Wednesday!

Dearest Readers,

I know it’s been a while but I’ve had it all going on. I almost gave up the thought of blogging ever again but then I realised this thing is my passage to freedom. Yes, indeed. That’s a thing I’ve been missing.

The Great And Charismatic Tex the Lonewolf Timber

Over the Easter period, my wolfit Tex nearly died. In and out of vet hospitals and 12.5K of vet bills later, I’m pleased to say he still lives but is now on lifetime medication for Addison’s disease. This involves a monthly injection and a daily steroid tablet costing £217 a month which allows the vet to keep the private plate on his Lexus that says SIT. I have a Sharpie ready in my bag for my next visit so I can re-insert the H.

The Gall Of It

In January I got diagnosed with a gallstone the size of Everest. Apparently, that’s what eating bacon in Texas every day can do to you. I was scheduled for surgery in May but it got cancelled due to the backlog of people waiting for ops since Covid and the shortage of medical staff. I am now going in early July. However, last week I got sent to hospital in an ambulance as the pains were so bad they thought I had a heart problem. I didn’t, thankfully, but it was an interesting day out in the surgical trauma unit. First off they had to take my blood. I forgot to uncurl my fist which made the blood come out too fast and the nurse nearly dropped the cannula. She instinctively went to catch it with her right-hand forgetting that was the one she had the needle in. This resulted in it twisting in my arm and her apologising for the giant bruise on its way.

I then had to provide a urine sample. Off I went to the loo with my little plastic bottle. Why is it that hospital toilets are so high? Anyway, as most women will know, trying to aim into one of these tiny bottles is insanely difficult. You basically have to hold it in what you think is the right position and take pot luck whilst peeing all over your hand. However, In the corner of this large lavatory cubicle, I happened to spot a stack of those cardboard things that hospitals give you to either, wee, poo or puke in.

“I’ll use one of those!” I thought, like a genius.

So, I’m standing above the world’s highest toilet, ankles pinned together by jeans, on my tippy-toes with a cardboard thingy between my thighs. I remember concentrating very hard because I didn’t want to fall over with a box of bitch piss. Of course, cos I’d held it in for ages, my bladder was on a roll and I had to stop quickly before it overflowed. Dear God. Then I carefully tried to prize the bowl from between my legs without spilling the contents all over the place. The idea wasn’t quite as smart as I first thought since now I had to pour a bowl full of urine into a small tube and the cardboard thingy didn’t have a spout. Bugger. You can imagine how that went. I had to wash everything down, including the tube without washing my name off and wrapped my sample in loads of loo roll cos there’s nothing worse than handing over your yellow wee-wee at room temperature to a nurse and still expecting her to like you.

Now, the problem was, when I went to dispose of the cardboard vessel I noticed that the only bin in the toilet was a pathetic vanity pedestal bin.  Why in hell would you have such a stupid and pointless bin like this in a hospital bog? I stood there for a while just looking at it and wondering what on earth I was going to do. And no, I couldn’t possibly put it back in the stack and hope nobody would notice! As if that thought would even cross my mind!

“Well, I’m just going to have to fold it up very small and get it into the tiniest bin ever.”

I don’t know what they make these things out of but this should be a challenge on a Japanese game show. It’s impossible. I had to resort to jumping on it just to get it part flat and in half. I left it sticking out of the bin and re-entered the trauma unit to a sea of bemused faces all wondering why I’d been forever dancing in the toilet. The shame of it all.

The upshot is, that I can’t eat any fats at all until my operation. I weep every time I see broccoli because it is basically all I can eat. Anyone who dares tell me again that it’s a superfood whilst eating their stuffed crust pizza with extra cheese might find a wolfit with roid-rage stuck to their arse!

Apart from that, everything’s peachy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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