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Happy New Tier!

January 8, 2021 3:58pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 23 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing you a long overdue blog post!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

The world has gone quite mad, dear reader, has it not?  

On the Only Day of Christmas 

I had my day of Christmas with the famalam which was wonderful but by the time they left at around 8.30 pm I was shattered. Another consequence of the lockdown is that I am no longer able to deal with large groups of people for more than a day.  It was like getting over the flu (do we still have flu anymore?) and took me a week to get back to normal usual being my pandemic self again. Although, it could have been the result of too many chocolate oranges. A gift from Terry’s that always finds itself in one’s stocking. This year, instead of getting one or two of them, I received about 79.

It’s a Brave New Year Just the Same 

Found me still surrounded by chocolate oranges. Naturally, I continued eating them because it is a violation against chocolate to throw them away.

What else can you do in another national lockdown anyway? Apart from knitting or running that seem to be the favoured pandemic pastimes over here. 

Turns out I found a new type of running. The aftermath of “tapping it and unwrapping it” and adding segment after segment into your cake-hole is restless legs shaking so violently you could give Joe Wicks a run for his money with sofa jogging. The sugar coma that follows is so intense your get-up-and-go marches off to the nearest canal and drowns itself. 

Now that’s a workout, Wicksy. 

Talking of Bingeing…

I found that I have been unable to write, aside from marketing for businesses desperately trying to survive in these conditions – which sucks all the mojo out of me. Reading, Netflix, and Amazon Prime are my saviours when I lose the will to co-operate. 

I have binge watched Disney Pixar movies because morals and lessons are good for me. I spend at least an hour thereafter in a loving and giving frame of mind. 

My other favourites have been ‘The Queens Gambit’ which has got me back into playing chess, and ‘Bridgerton’ – A period drama offering super-scintillating-scandal! 

And then there’s ‘Death to 2020’ A mockumentary which I found uncomfortably (not spared from the usual narrative) amusing. 

This satirical film has a character called Gemma Nerrick, an “average citizen” who declares that lockdown has given her a multi-personality disorder. This made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my Terry’s CO. 

But then I realised that this comical little gem delivered truth in jest.  

Yes. I too have entered into the world of disorder. 

Let’s Look at This Lickety-Split

This lockdown business really does make you a bit weird and maybe this is how our brains cope with being caged like capricious monkeys. Here are my multi- personality, pandemic inhabitants:

Compliant Cadence 

Does not come out to play very often but when she does, she is calm and somewhat yielding because, well,“it is what it is.”Cadence often feels a tad spaced out and on a bit of a go-slow. No need for aggravation or major tasks. Cadence likes to spend time ruminating over endless cups of tea and wearing comfortable, oversized cardigans. Sometimes found casually flicking through magazines and folding up warm washing from the dryer. Generally her day is spent musing and dreaming of possibilities or watching birds soar though floating clouds. Cadence tends to be largely OK with everything around her until the novelty wears off which tends to happen rather speedily. 

Princess Peachy

This goddess of delight is imbued with the spirit of Snow White. She wakes with a smile, singing to the animals, and to the neighbours, whether they like it or not. Peachy’s aim is to have house beautiful by tea-time so she dusts and cleans until everything, and I mean everything because obsession takes over, shines until she can blow kisses at her own reflection in the polished surfaces. After which, an array of scones, cheese straws and cookies cool on the kitchen surfaces after a Great British Bake Off. The evening is spent gorging on these delights during a film that Peachy promptly falls asleep to after domestic exhaustion and she ends up going to bed rather sneezy and grumpy.

Anxious Alicia

This personality is fuelled by watching way too much news and reading endless conspiracy theories. Alicia thinks that everyone is going to die or have long term health issues and the vaccine won’t help because it’s made of old people’s toenails and the entrails of choir boys. Alicia believes that eventually we will all be in motorised wheelchairs with oxygen tanks and frets about how we will we all fit down the aisles at the supermarket.

She spends the day fixated on the gloomy news headlines and waiting for Boris to make yet another announcement about how the virus is overtaking the planet and now we can’t even go in the garden. However, Alicia’s time is used vigilantly between wringing her hands and washing her hands until they bleed.  

Alicia wipes everything down with super-strength bleach then goes to bed not being able to breathe due to overuse of chemicals and lies there all night long thinking “this is it”

Bastardette the MOFO Queen Bitch From the Deepest Bowels of Hell, With Bells On 

Do not approach this personality under any circumstance because she hates everything and everyone without exception: the masked, the none- masked, the compliant and the rebellious alike, all the newsreaders, knitters, runners and basically all-and-sundry including and especially, Joe Wicks. 

Bastardette is usually found tearing new arseholes for people or getting into unnecessary arguments about any topic you choose to bring up. And if you can’t think of one, she will find one to attack you with. If unable to find any prey, she can be seen lining up her chocolate oranges on her bedroom windowsill ready to hurl at the many passing runners who totally get on her tits. 

The “It’s not Terry’s, it’s mine” chocolate orange slogan swiftly replaced with Bastardette’s new strap line, “Terry can have the feckers back” 

Cue 2021’s new and adapted dystopian crime film – A Clockwork Chocolate Orange.

 

Throwback Thursday!

August 27, 2020 11:20am Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 11 Comments

Satirical Snapshots bringing you ‘Back in the Day!’

I’ve started to participate in Throwback Thursday on Instagram having come across a bunch of photos of when life was carefree, adventurous, and fun! As opposed to now where I’m TRAPPED, TRAPPED, and TRAPPED  in a mask-donned, corona-chaotic world with endless signs on how to and where I should stand and walk and so on. Not that it’s affecting me or anything…

So, what was going on there, Jules?

I’ve been asked numerous times to tell the story behind the picture I post every Thursday and where better to tell those stories than on my blog which I started for the sole purpose of telling stories of my high jinks and holidays!  

On Yer Trike!

This is a photograph of myself and my best friend on holiday in Lanzarote. We bought a cheap, last-minute deal where you didn’t know which hotel or resort you would end up in until you got there. But, we didn’t care! Having done this many times we knew that no matter where we ended up we’d make the best of it and manage to manipulate the situation to our advantage. 

Resorting to Chaos

As luck would have it, we ended up in a top star, luxury resort with a two bed, two bath apartment right in the middle of everything. We had never been in such a beautiful place and couldn’t believe our luck. Result!  However, not so much fun for the people who had paid top dollar to stay in this fabulous complex because this is what happened…

We came across this trike that was parked outside our apartment complex and found it hilarious. So much so that we decided to get on and play with it – posing for photos and suchlike. 

Then, in the midst of figuring out if we could hot-wire it and take it for a spin, the owner of the beloved trike came over and asked us what we thought we were doing because apparently, you shouldn’t just help yourself to somebody else’s pride and joy.  

Thankfully, he was a nice guy and let us off the fiddling with his toy and we got to have a go on his great, roaring, purple trike. He then introduced us to a bar where he and all his friends worked and we spent the rest of our holiday partying with the bar and all its staff.  Further stories of this particular holiday are to follow. 

Needless to say, every day our new gang of friends would roll up on their noisy trike and jeeps and come and hang out at our top-notch pool. They’d bring beers, loud music, and frivolity. Peace and quiet around the 5* pool ended violently. They even brought their Great Dane dog with them who also took a liking for a bit of a swim much to the outrage of the posh folk that had paid a fortune to be there. 

Obviously, my friend and I found it hilarious and couldn’t understand why the rest of the holidaymakers did not. That’s youth for ya. 

Repeat and Ruin the Rep

The poor holiday rep received numerous complaints about the rowdy, fun-loving youngsters that were disturbing their R&R and had to repeatedly visit us to tell us to stop having fun or he’d have to kick us out. 

We didn’t. And, he didn’t, because our new-found friends pretty much ran the island. 

By the end of the two-week holiday, he looked like a nervous wreck and couldn’t wait for us to leave. I think he went back to England shortly after that and got a job in an accountant’s office. 

Happy days. 

 

Haiku Poetry Day

April 17, 2020 10:51am Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 36 Comments

Haiku Poetry Day

Satirical Snapshots bringing you a dose of Corona Corner!

Good morning isolators!  It’s pandemic playtime!  Today I bring you another task to lighten your day and bring amusement to you and your friends.

Corona Corner #9 – I’d like you to Haiku

Let’s see your best Haiku depicting how you are feeling at the moment or dealing with the current crisis we all find ourselves in.  Leave your overdue Haiku in the comments, please.  Winner will receive adoration from this blog for 24 hours.

I’ve written four below so you can at least do one.  I insist.  I demand.  I simply MUST see yours.

A haiku

a haiku

A haiku

a haiku

Awaiting your entries with wild anticipation…

 

A Letter From BoJo

April 9, 2020 12:38pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 18 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You News From Number 10

It’s not very often I get a letter from Downing street so I thought I’d share this piece of history in the making.  From our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson.  May he fully recover and get back to the helm as soon as possible.

Letter from the boss

Well said, Boris!

Corona Corner #8

March 30, 2020 9:53am Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 7 Comments

tree in the woods- close up of interesting bark shape and colour

Satirical Snapshots bringing you your daily dose of Corona Corner!

Good morning isolators!  It’s pandemic playtime!  Today I bring you another task to lighten your day and bring amusement to you and your friends.

Corona Corner #8 – Now and Den

During this isolation period I am allowed out once a day to exercise.  You’re not supposed to go too far, but fortunately for me, I live on the edge – yeah, I really do live on the edge…

of wonderful countryside and woods so my daily walk is the highlight of my day.  Getting out into the thick of it and being able to get lost amidst the trees is a tonic in these untonical times.

During these walks, I have often wondered if it might be an idea to construct a second home.  Who knows when the fury will hit you and it is better that you really are completely isolated so that you’re not a danger to the public.  Also, a place to have “Time Out” and get grounded is sure to benefit those around you and help you function as a sane and rational human being.

den made out of branches in the woods

Today’s task is to get outside and build a den for now and then.  Reach into your inner child and go for it!  If you are lucky like me and have your very own wolfdog, you can have him patrol the area from Den Thieves because as legend knows, the forest is full of ’em.

Potage Du Jour

Make a couple of these and take them with you as they will give you the energy to fight off scavengers and panic buyers who will see you as a sitting duck.

Have fun, get building and remember to…

#CurbYourFrustrationAndTaskInIsolation

 

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