Chew On This!

September 13, 2017 3:20pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 16 Comments


Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Today, I thought I’d touch on a bit of Art Philosophy. It’s been a while since I’ve stood back and taken a wondering, quizzical gander at some of the stuff I come across. Very remiss of me and I apologise for not keeping you all abreast of current trends.

The Twig of Hope

As luck would have it I had time to consider some pieces of work on my recent trip to one of Spains finest islands. I ended up in a rather classy joint which I couldn’t find fault with; bar the art.

What is it about hotels and their choice of wall hangings and sculptures? I don’t know who does this job but they’re crap at it. Probably some numpty with a fine arts degree, zero common sense and no taste whatsoever. And yes, I appreciate that art is subjective but that doesn’t stop some of it being shite.

Let’s take a look at the picture in my bedroom:

You may be thinking, ‘That’s not so bad, I’ve seen worse,’ and you’d be right. In essence, it’s quite a banal print; not too fussy that it’s aggravating; not colourful enough to be nauseating and it depicts nature, which, has been proven to physically improve our well being.

However, what does this picture say to you? These twigs with a couple of burnt orange leaves on?

Let me tell you what it says to me: Waiting To Die.


Not conducive to 5* holiday relaxing.


Eeh Bah Gum

But then there was this……

The particular art de joy that I’m about to unveil greeted me at the airport on the way home.
What first crossed my mind cannot be repeated on this tame and respectful blog but my thoughts that followed were this:

Which bright spark of a Thing One thought this a good idea to invent and which mastermind of a Thing Two said, “Yeh – love it. I’ll buy that genius piece of kit. That’s got the future written all over it!”

Chewing gum ball

Speechless? Heh. I empathise. Even I, world renowned Art Philosopher, am lost for words. The most I can muster are the same noises that result from a severe case of gastroenteritis.

Profiter Du Présent

Unfortunately for me, I’m going to have to see it again very shortly because an impromptu invitation came up for me on Saturday.

“Jules, we’re in France, why don’t you come over?”


“Loads of great food, free Champagne, lunch by the sea, late summer walks, middle of the countryside and some much-needed peace. Don’t need to bring a thing except yourself and a pair of jeans.” Verbatim.

I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and to be honest after the week I’ve had I need a break so I’m going to French France tomorrow.

Since my Kindle has broken I will be taking this book to read because I know the French will love it:

1000 years of annoying the french

‘Let’s talk about Joan of Arc and Agincourt! What do you mean, NON?

I will be in Brittany. That’s basically French for Britain. Which means I can do as I please. Taking my lessons from the pub landlord below 😉

Au revoir mes chéris! A bientôt!


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Hotel art’s up there with airport art and hospital art and it’s all rubbish, sorry, awesome. Speaking of which, Hackney Council put up some “art” outside the town hall, back in the early ’90s. A friend cut it up one night and sold it for scrap metal; he thought it was scrap… I have a feeling “Special Brew” was involved.

Have fun in France!

It’s the rubbishest art, EVER, LSP.

Hackney Council do art? My word. That’s all you had to say.

Hahahaha! I have no doubt! They deserved it 🙂

Thank you, I will.

The velvet paintings of dogs playing cards or Elvis hanging on the wall of your room always tell you, “I have arrived. This place has class.” Unfortunately most joints these days need a twig or something even more banal to not offend anyone. So I differ with you, the philosopher, on that point. It takes a unique person with no personality or life at all to be able to discern something that can not offer offense to anyone. I’m sure that they have a cubicle somewhere and earn a modest sum to say “Oh, I like that”, and it can’t be two snails humping or anything that suggestive. It has to be a twig.

Oh, yes, those old chestnuts. Don’t you still get them in Motel 6’s?

Well the twig offends me, Larry. Should I write and tell them? Maybe I’ll get an even better hotel next time. 🙂

Could show something you like, from eau de France.

I like the wine, I like the food, I like their Champers and I’m partial to smelly cheese and…

Oh… you mean a visual piece of beauty? Goatman, for you, I will endeavor to come back and show you something that Je t’adore en Francais. Deal 🙂

I’d be nice. Thankee

You’re welcome, Goatman and it will do me good too 🙂

I had to Google numpty. I concur about that wall hanging. So meh in any language. The gum sculpture, however? Brilliant. Who cleans that thing off?

The gum sculpture… ewwww. I’m currently sat at said airport so I might go and while away the time by asking a cleaner who has the gum ball job. Ugh. I’d leave. I’d rather be a traffic warden and I hate them.

* when I look at that painting, what I see is nuts…

* oh I see, everyone leaves their dirty wads of gum on that gum bubble and that forms the new flavor. I’ve had the same gumwad for over 30 years. I just scrape it off the bottom of my bed and add water.

* why do we have countries anyway? land is land. it’s all a scam by the passport profiteers. Atlantis never had these problems. the Hotel Atlantis I mean…


When I look anywhere all I see is nuts, my sweet!

Anyway, I’m just back from French France and you’ll be delighted to know that the bubble gum ball of genius is clean. Totally clear. Not a gnarled up chew in sight. However, I believe the cleaner is in hospital with MRSA.

It’s all just land but it’s inhabited by many different cultures, none of which get along. *)

“Jules, we’re in France. Why not come over?”

Wish I mixed in your circles!

Anyway, I love The Pub Landlord, so thanks for that.

Listen up, Masher taters

I don’t mix in circles, I mix in rectangles. You may not have noticed this but everything is actually rectangular. Take a look around (or oblonglish – heh) This is why I think I’ve achieved great strides in life because I mixed very differently. This resulted in people paying attention to me and inviting me to their lovely adventures and soirees. You’ve always got to have someone a bit edgy and quirky at a party if you want it to go with a bang.
Anyway, you do actually mix in my rectangles. I speak to you every week on this here blog. Right? Ergo, we are as one. You’re just a comment away from the reality! 🙂

Pub Landlord is the Bizniss.

Those birds in your room “artwork” look like they just escaped a Poe creation. Oh wait…you said they were dead leaves. Same goes for them.
I assume your back is feeling better, but can’t help but notice the lack of cowboy boots. Did you learn a lesson ?
It’s a sad statement for this world when a ball covered with used gum must be secured by not one, but TWO sturdy straps to prevent it’s theft.
Enjoy your trip !

Yes, I pondered weak and weary at that artwork and thought the very same thing, Terry. Poe would have loved it.
My back is trés bon, as it happens petal. Learn my lesson? Moi? Don’t be ridiculous! OK, I wore Converse for two days ( I am impressed by your keen eye) and it seems that being sensible sometimes has its advantages. However, I still had my boots back on thereafter because I’m a fighter, me 😉

Things get nicked over here – you have to pin everything down or it’ll end up being sold down the pub for a pint or at next weeks car boot sale. Entrepreneurial Britain!

Thank you, I did! 🙂

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