Dear Mr Random Act of Kindness, Man, (AKA Psycho Wine Killer)
Firstly, thanks ever so for the bottle of vino and now that I realise it was all with good intentions and you weren’t out to poison me, I’m rather enthralled at the loveliness.
Obviously, you like being nice to folks for no apparent reason, which is admirable. I am terribly suspicious so am not used to this kind of behaviour. In fact it totally changed my evening: It made me paranoid, gave me hypochondria, made me worry and also lose a whole nights sleep. That in turn resulted in me not working so well the next day, peeping out of my curtains for stalkers and and being a bit tetchy with people. Ripples… So whilst it was a lovely action it caused me a lot of unnecessary stress which leads me nicely on to this:
I’ve since had an idea: Let’s take this to the next level. I’m clearly a very good candidate to be practising on as I need to alter my poisonous and wretched thoughts about humanity. If you could kindly see to it that I receive not so random treats but actually more specific, I might become more open hearted to this kind of thing. You get someone to bestow kindness on and I turn into a nicer person which makes everyone else I interact with happier and kinder and so on. Ripples….
So what I’m actually looking for is the following:
1: A MacBook Air – Totally need one of these like in a minute in order to succeed at a gigantic level rather than a mediocre one. I made the mistake of renting my office to someone else and now work from my study at home. I was going through a ‘I don’t need anything and I should make my life simple’ period which in this case proved to be a mistake. I am SO easily distracted at home by sunshine in the garden, what the post man is bringing, the food pantry and my big, comfy bed which is way too close. Ergo, I procrastinate until the 11th hour and then kill myself trying to get things done in time. This also ruins my creativity and stops me producing the work I want to do to make me happy. If I had a MacBook Air I would be able to stay at the gym longer by working in their bar afterwards and drinking very berry, nutritious delicious, smoothies instead of tons of coffee and packets of quavers. I’d be much healthier and probably live longer. Or I’d be able to sit in the middle of a field breathing in fresh country air and divine inspiration or even at little cafes where I would be helping the local economy and small independent traders. This would all be the result of YOU giving me a laptop. Just think how many people you’d be helping and how marvellous you would feel. I could write fascinating stories about you and make you the Banksy of the Kind world. You could even end up getting knighted by the Queen. There’s no telling where this could end up.
2: The Narrative Clip: I have wanted this desperately for WEEKS. Ever since it came out. You can buy it here… – Of course, as always, it’s in America but not here. I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how annoyed that makes me, so I won’t because I’m trying to be nicer. Anyway, I nearly caved and wrote to the suppliers. I can get one from SWEDEN (Why?) so long as I pay the colossal customs duty. Maybe you’d like to help some Swedes too? Take this kindness thing into the European market. Anyway, I really, really want it as it takes candid pictures of your daily events. Imagine the life logging I could do and how I could entertain the world with the bonkers things that happen to me, like the time I got held up at W H Smith or like the chance meeting with you, for instance. At least I would have got photographic evidence. Some very entertaining things could be caught if I was wearing this insy, winsy camera. I think it’s imperative that I own one.
3: The GoPro – You can buy it here…and “None of this happens without you” – serendipity? I’ve wanted this for MONTHS. Every time I walk past the Jessops Photography shop I go in and look at it and stroke it and give it kisses. I could have SO MUCH FUN with this (and that’s the point, right?) and take crazy angled videos from my feet or clip it to the front of my car or the base of a supermarket trolley. I could video responses of Brits as they were subjected to ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ Again, there’s no telling where this could lead not to mention how I could keep my friends entertained. This is multiple,super fornicating kindness!
That’s all. Just those three things and I reckon I could be converted. However, I’m more than happy to accept the occasional aeroplane ticket or All Saints vouchers and I’m totally open to free wine now.
Look forward to receiving from you.
Ever so kindly,