Exercise With Demons

Whimsy On A Wednesday

Posted on: 15th Mar, 2017

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Female Changing Rooms

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

I come here today to tell you the importance of regular exercise and the endless benefits.

The Gym

The Hour of Power

Believe me when I say this is the longest hour or two you will ever experienceย this is the most important hour you will have in your day. Hereโ€™s what to do:

Get yourself a gym partner. Choose wisely. Having a flaky friend who canโ€™t be bothered to get out of her pit in the morning wonโ€™t help you. Find a demon. Preferably a young, fit, sporting champion with no empathy button.

Hereโ€™s mine. It takes no prisoners.

muscles, training

Up before the cock crows

And Iโ€™m not talking about my fitness partnerโ€ฆ

Apparently, to promote sickness, mini strokes and mood swingsย metabolism, higher energy levels and mental illness capacity, going to the gym early morning is the answer. This leaves you the rest of the day to feel like crap burn calories and get on with a full working day.

Arriving at 6.45 am you will note that the gym is full of very stupid people with personality disordersย A type, high achievers who are there to become better than they were yesterday. Rubbing shoulders with the elite helps you climb the ladder of personal success. As you can imagine, I fit right in with those sort.

The Establishment

The Gym

Most important. Your gym should be inviting, encouraging and full of torturousย high tech equipment. Paying through the noseย Investing in a leisure type facility which nurtures health from many angles will pay havoc with you ever trusting anyone againย dividends in the future. You canโ€™t put a price on how many bottles of wine you could have bought for thatย health and fitness.

Car to drive away in, Car diac arrest, Cardio

Cardio, Crosstrainer

Warming up those sleepy muscles on some kind of S&M deviceย a cross trainer or cyco machineย static cycle is imperative. Pulling a muscle is a good idea and means you wonโ€™t be able to come back for agesย at this early stage will mean you can go back to having funย put you weeks behind. And you know that having the honed and toned body of a super model is readily available from plastic surgeonsย only going to happen if you work hard for it.

Regular Commitment

Fitness Swimming Pool

Make a regular commitment. Your demonย fitness partner should encourage a completely insane and relentless scheduleย daily visits with only Sundays as a day off. A daily routine will soon put you in a suicidal moodย ย habitual pattern. You can add variety to your workouts by training different areas of your body and like you havenโ€™t done enough already ย you mayย even add a swimming programme to warm down thereafter. Remember that core training exercises are pure evil paramount and feeling like your intestines have been ripped apartย working hard on your abdomen will bring fast results.

Diet and Relaxation

Leisure centre cafeteria

Going to the gym is only one part of the picture. Oh whoopy doo. Your diet must be high in protein and low in carbohydrates because eating cardboard is so much fun to help reduce the will to live your BMI.

Granola, fruit and yoghurt

If you have chosen a luxurious leisure centre they will probably have alcohol free healthy bar and cafeteria areas offering shit made with spinachย smoothie boosters and low calorie, healthy foods. You can relax in a Nazi Camp health conscious environment and take several more hours to munch through granola and berriesย eat a vitamin packed breakfast before leaving.

Taking time to relax properly is also important. Going to bed by ten o clock at night since thereโ€™s no point staying up and making the day any longer or more boringย and getting a good nights sleep even though everything hurts like hell and even if you wanted to have a margarita youโ€™re in too much pain to lift the bloody glassย will help your muscles recover, your energy levels improve and have you crying like a babyย raring to go by 6 am the next morning.

Leave on a positive note

gym locker

After your training regime always remember to punch thank your fitness partner. After all, they are doing this because theyโ€™re psychopathic for you. Try not to limp to the car to bask in the afterglow of your workout and as you drive home like a sanctimonious bitch, smirking at the people who havenโ€™t worked out yetย give yourself a pat on the back for your achievement.

Stay focussed

Marcus Aurelius quote

Donโ€™t go back to bed lose your way throughout the rest of the day. Youโ€™ll find that after time lifeโ€™s too short for this you will feel much better and more energetic than you ever have done before. Lose Keep your mind in a positive state and if you feel negative thoughts coming on have some cake read positive statements and encouraging words Like that of ‘Marcus Aurelius’ above, and you too can feel like the Emperor of Rome in no time!

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24 Comments on Exercise With Demons

LL

LL

15th Mar, 2017 17:03

I don’t know what to do with all of the positive vibes. Maybe I should get out and exercise by walking around the block. I thought that I exercised when I got out of bed, stepped into the shower, toweled off and went downstairs for an American bacon and egg and toast breakfast. Maybe not quite enough?

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

15th Mar, 2017 17:03

Ughhhhh… American bacon and egg…..

That’s cruel, Larry. Do you have ANY IDEA how hungry I am?

I’m moving in with you.

Reply
TC

TC

15th Mar, 2017 17:03

My regimen:
1. Catch a cab to the coffee house.
2. Kill a panini & a half-dozen donuts then knock back two espressos.
3. Walk it off on the way back home arriving in time for my mid-morning nap.
(no charge for this coaching session)
x

Reply
Jules Smith

Jules Smith

15th Mar, 2017 17:03

TC, I have a brilliant idea. Do you want to be my personal fitness trainer? x

Reply
David Birrell

David Birrell

15th Mar, 2017 18:03

Jules – you did not work hard enough on the gym equipment, no chips on the red painted nails !!

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

15th Mar, 2017 18:03

Long time no see, Mr, Birrell!

Black Dog Down, Red Bitch Up. My nails polish is diamond strength just like my regime. I bet you never trained this hard in the airforce…:)

Reply
LL

LL

15th Mar, 2017 19:03

What’s with the gender specific changing room(s) and showers? That’s not very progressive, but I guess the guys could show up and self-identify as females, thus dealing with the ‘stereotype’ in that fashion. That would work, wouldn’t it? I suspect that Harrison would prefer that arrangement too. In the US the buzz word is: heteronormative (it’s in the dictionary).

The sign is an example of heteronormativity – a pervasive and institutionalized ideological system that creates hegemony based on gender identification and oppression. I have been oppressed as a heterosexual, white, male and feel that the progressive movement has just started to go my way.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

16th Mar, 2017 09:03

I hate “buzz” words. Why do we have to keep making these stupid words up? Anyway, Larry, my gym is very heteronormative (first and last time I shall use that word) and if any fluid bloke turned up in the girls locker room he’d get attacked with GHD straighteners.

Also, you should be viewing that photo from an ‘Art Philosophy’ perspective. Female Changing: The caterpillar will turn into a butterfly…..if she keeps going to the gym. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Gorilla Bananas

Gorilla Bananas

15th Mar, 2017 20:03

Did you really do all that gym stuff, Jules? I always thought you were more of a lie-down-and-get-a-massage type of woman. Maybe paddling in a big hot tub is the kind of exercise that would suit you. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

16th Mar, 2017 10:03

Really. And again today, Mr Gorilla Bananas. I know this is difficult to take in because you are quite right in that laying down and getting massaged is my preference. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Masher

Masher

15th Mar, 2017 21:03

I went to the gym, once.
Just thought I’d mention it.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

16th Mar, 2017 10:03

Yeah, I bet Masher. Just to watch the girls doing aerial cartwheels and whip backs, right? ;P

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Masher

Masher

16th Mar, 2017 19:03

Damn right.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

17th Mar, 2017 11:03

Ha! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Exile on Pain Street

Exile on Pain Street

16th Mar, 2017 10:03

I’ve always thought of gyms at 6.45 as a gathering of people I want to avoid. How polite of them to all convene in one place. That makes it easier for me.

What’s that stuff spread on the bread? Whatever it is, it’s not enough. Double the amount next time.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

16th Mar, 2017 13:03

Yes, M, I think the same. But now I’m one of them. Well, the bad apple amongst them but I kind of like that.

That’s not bread, that is delightfully healthy, oh so tasty, bran crisp bread with pumpkin seed. I know, try not to get too excited…
The stuff on top is low fat Philadelphia cheese. No matter how much you spread on it ‘ thou’d have nowt moist’ Dry as a heat baked, 50 year old picket fence.

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the late phoenix

the late phoenix

16th Mar, 2017 18:03

mah dahlin i tried to read your post but it’s all been blacked out by the Russians.

exercise with demons, very nice.

the only gym i know is a Pokemon gym. and i don’t like Pokemon. i’ve never exercised in my life. including my brain. besides, i thought everyone exercises at home now with their shake-weights.

do the hour of power religiously…

oh i get it now. work-out partners! i always try to get the yoga instructor for a quick private lesson before she gets too busy.

you can watch tv while you’re on that bike that never moves! but not news. anything but news. unless it’s John Oliver.

swimming for fun? i only swim to escape danger.

everyone is mentally ill…think about it…

gyms have the best food. and, like, 35 different brands of tap water.

you can tell Marcus Aurelius never wanted to be an emperor. the emperor thing just kind of landed in his lap after he botched his open-air auditions. he wanted to be an actor. who wrote his own stuff *)

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

17th Mar, 2017 11:03

Yes, my sweet, I’ve been hacked. I think I’m being wire tapped too. My iPhone Sir I told me off the other day. My life is not my own.

Everyone is very mentally ill. I thought about that all night. That’s what Spotify meditation does for you.

Marcus’s acting skills and philosophical entries were seriously overlooked.

Aren’t you the ‘new’ John Oliver? *)

Reply
Solaratov

Solaratov

20th Mar, 2017 05:03

Always remember…and never forget…
Only in the face of extreme adversity is true character developed.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

21st Mar, 2017 10:03

Yes, Sol, I suppose that is true. It is always the extreme that shows us what we are made of.

Reply
GruntOfMonteCristo

GruntOfMonteCristo

21st Mar, 2017 20:03

The translation of Sol’s statement that I prefer is: “The extra pitcher of margaritas that doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” It’s not easy to end up in an ER with “Extreme Vitamin C Poisoning,” but I’ve been there. Everybody’s got their own definition of ‘extreme,’ I say. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

22nd Mar, 2017 10:03

I’ll go long with that one, Grunt! This is why I have reached superhero strength in my time! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
LSP

LSP

22nd Mar, 2017 13:03

I agree with LL. What’s with the heteronormative stereotyping at your gym, perhaps it’s a challenge? Tear down the walls of gender oppression!

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

22nd Mar, 2017 13:03

No unicorns either, LSP. I’ll see what I can do ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

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