Flippin’ Eccles! Let’s Calm Down!

October 31, 2018 12:05am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 18 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

We Need To Talk About Kevin

Not the book.

The Lizard.

A uromastyx in vivarium

The future saviour of humankind.  My God, he’s got his work cut out.  No wonder he’s trying to hibernate. I might join him.

I told him what’s been going on in detail…

uromastyx Moroccan lizard

I don’t know if it’s because I’m half asleep in the morning when I wander downstairs to get a nice cup of tea but things around me seem a little bit odd.  Like why did I take my shoes off halfway up the stairs? Is this a subliminal attempt at trying to kill myself in the morning when I trip over them? 

I boil the kettle.  It takes ages in the morning when my mouth is stuck together and I’m desperate for liquid.  I’m sure this is deliberate.  I am convinced that inanimate objects are possessed. 

I eventually make tea.

I don’t make it properly because I’m in too much of a rush and it looks like gnats piss. It’s irritating but I’m too impatient to re-do it.  I then spill it all over my fluffy white dressing gown which I just washed yesterday because I’ve filled it too close to the top of the mug.  

My mouth is too dry to compose a two syllable curse word so I think it instead. Viciously. I direct it towards the kettle and wait for it to blow up. 

There is nothing elegant about me in the morning, whatsoever.

British Currant-cy Threatened

I turn on BBC news.  There’s something very comforting about the presenters on the red couch. Right up until they say something about Brexit affecting the sales of Eccles cakes.

Really?

Did I just hear that?

Have you ever eaten an Eccles cake?  Don’t. Any food invented in the 1800’s has deep evil within it ’Well we did what we could with the ingredients available at the time’ written all over it.  A ton of currants squished into a flat, dry, flaky pastry type cake better used as a disc weapon or to stop unwanted guests coming round. 

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE ECCLES CAKE – WHY IS THIS NEWS?

I make some random gesture at the TV and my arm catches an empty bottle that I’m sterilising ready to make a Christmas oil. It smashes all over the floor into so many pieces I have to analyse it for a moment in wonderment.  The first rule is “Don’t move” lest you slice your skin open on invisible chards because you’ve got nothing on your feet because you stupidly left your bloody shoes on the stairs and your slippers…errr… I think they were discarded some summer’s day in the garden, aprés gin and tonicking, and got rained on.

Total chaos. 

JP Saved Me Then Deepak Took The Slack

Fortuitously, I’m reading the 12 Rules For Life by Jordan.B.Peterson who is teaching me how to get the yin to my yang with his professional wisdom.  I’m already performing like a top lobster and learning how to take control of situations in a more orderly fashion.

JP fully understands loving one’s lizard. The man is a genius.

 But, my impetuous self, (it’s been said)  also needs more yin input by the way of other sensory forms. 

Ask and you shall receive. Unless it’s money – that never bloody happens.

Cue Deepak Chokra

I’m not making that name up.  He’s a proper famous Indian medicine man that I’ve heard things about. 

Anyway, I got wind of him doing a 21-day free meditation experience and I took it as a sign. 

I’m crap at meditating. Awful. If anyone can get me calming down it’s gonna be Deepak. So I signed up, downloaded the app, and got ready for my express train to Zen.

What Did He Say?

Day 1 was a meditation on extra energy.  Hmmm.  Actually trying to calm down rather than add extra caffeine, but, let’s see. Supposed to do it in the day but not got time for that, so, did it in bed at midnight. 

First off, his accent annoyed me. He said UTEful instead of youthful. It shouldn’t matter, but it did. How am I supposed to feel youthful if he doesn’t say it properly? He reminded me of the muppet at the Amex call centre who couldn’t explain to me why my credit card wasn’t working. 

I know. I’m going to Hell.

And then he gave me a “Mantra”. In gobbledegook.  Despite him repeating it several times, I couldn’t remember it. Crucial is the mantra as it must be repeated silently in your head in order to concentrate. Swearing silently is not an alternative.

“Poodna yay?” Is that what it was?

He introduced the ring of a Tibetan bell signifying the start of the exercise. 

“Ting”

Bell never stopped.  Oh, wait…My bloody neighbours!  Their alarm is going off again!  Should I get up and go and shoot it with my BB gun?  Maybe if I back my car into their front door it might turn off and they’ll get the message. 

Focus, Focus….“Hoo-Hah,HEY!” that was what he said, right?

“Hoo -hah-hey – let’s all play – No thank you, not today -do ya wanna walk this way…” 

Some tosser is now setting fireworks off.  Why?  It’s not bonfire night for a week yet.  “Penny for the guy”, cos when I find out who is doing this he’s gonna roast on a bonfire.  Oh no, it’s Halloween tomorrow.  Great. Another night of shutting all the lights off and pretending I’m not in because I ate all the bloody sweets.  Maybe I should adopt my step-father’s strategy and go to the door in a WW11 tin helmet with a rifle and say, “TRICK”  

That should fetch a posse of torch burning villagers round. I could set booby traps on my drive and make my own entertainment show. 

Uh-oh…. con-cen-traaaate…  Ummm…errr…“Have a nice day!” Was that the mantra?  Sounds the same.

“TING”  

Meditation over.  Analysis: I just can’t do this malarkey.

Peace? In pieces.

Mood? Violent.

Energy?  Like that firework outside, whizzing into oblivion with no sodding direction.

Conclusion:  Be like Kevin. 

18 Comments

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I strive to be like Kevin’s inner Godzilla. Wasn’t Tupac or Dupac a black rapper at one point who was killed by Sug Knight, another rapper? Is taking that advice sound or should you do like Kevin and me and just embrace your inner monster (while wearing a clown nose)?

He looks so perfectly mean in a cool way, doesn’t he, LL? I too strive to embrace my inner monster, just like Kevin!

A lovely insight into the Julesy we know and love !
But there is a burning question in the back of Kevin and my minds :
https://youtu.be/ZBk3dJNSQks

Love from PPS and Kevin…
https://i.imgflip.com/2lczgc.jpg

Yep. Exactly! What is a YUTE? Speak properly, goddam it!

I love that meme, PPS! Hahahaha! Saved that! x

>performing like a top lobster
Brimming with serotonin, are you? (Five points for a proper JP in-joke 🙂

Had a long bit about mantras and the story “Greatness of Heart Is What Counts” from the (excellent) book The Snow Lion’s Turquoise Mane a collection of Buddhist wisdom tales collected by Lama Surya Das (ISBN 978-0-06-182708-2). But that seems out of character for me. Sorry. No Buddhist tale for you here.

Haha! You can have ten points for that, Mike!

I walked tall in 4-inch boots to work today, so my serotonin is excessive! *TotalTopLobster*

I shall read that this evening, thank you! 🙂

How dare you decry the Eccles Cake it is a culinary delight of sweet flaky goodness filled with juicy plump raisins. If you’d eaten 6 of them you wouldn’t need to meditate. I’ve now got yearnings to consume at least two which means driving to town through icy village roads to satisfy my cravings. Do I blame you or Deepak?

They’re horrible! Ewww. I’m not listening to you – you think tripe and onions is worthy of serving up! Gross!

When I was a young man living in England, I ate Eccles Cake. Usually by the time I got around to it, the cake was stale so I dipped it into hot chocolate and it made it better.

(I repeat myself here) Tea should be consumed after pouring over ice, adding lemon and sweetener. Eccles Cake in tea sounds gross. Ok in hot chocolate.

Now that’s a typical American thing to do, I have found: take other peoples food and make it better. The only place where that has failed is on the tea front. It’s your own fault for kicking off about it and dumping it in the water with no other reasonable alternative. I’m happy to open a proper tea and crumpet cafe in America and re-educate. 😉

notes:

* all tea boils down to this: tea is water, tea is about drinking water, tea is just a way to drink water, flavor the water to drink more of the water, right?

* Eccles cakes have that exotic brown sugar in them which makes your mouth brown-sugary when you pronounce the name. Eccles cakes are obsolete, if you eat Eccles cakes, Eccleston comes back. there’s a new Doctor in town now and she’s here to stay…named Julie.

* Deepak Chopra is no joke. his nickname is Deep, that’s all you need to know. Deepak Chopra is OLD-SKOOL, he was the hot guy on college campuses WAY back when I was at Berkeley. all the mothers were encouraging their sons to enlist in the Chopra Corps. he’s cool, he attends Hollywood parties, if you told him his voice caused fireworks he’d gladly take responsibility. he was on Sesame Street so he knows about muppets.

* World War Eleven!!!? how long have I been asleep!!!?……

*)

Everything needs flavour, my sweet. And antioxidants. And healing benefits. And, “I’m having a cup of tea and a nice sit down,” sounds much better than I’m having a glass of water. Layers.

It’s only a matter of time before they ask me to be the new Doctor.

He’s very deep. He knows about World War 11 just the same as Nostradamus predicted all that has passed. Stay asleep in Brigadoon and don’t worry about it as he has it in his uteful hands. *)

What the hell is an eccles cake? Another mysterious product from British kitchens. Like fried bread or jellied eels or Marmite.

Meditating is a dangerous game. You can conceivably end up more irate after you meditate than you were when you started. Beware!

It’s a dry curranty thing that you need not worry your precious head about. Fried bread and Marmite, however, are national luxuries.

Well, I’m on day 6 now and I’m definitely more irate. Maybe this is the toxic release before the calm sets in? Nah…

It looks… like gnats piss? I’m impressed you know what that looks like. It isn’t blue, now, is it? (Just checking.)

Deep evil within it… Okay, thanks for the heads-up. Won’t be touching that stuff, then. You may have saved my life and now I owe you big time. Did I mention I feel uteful?

Moody Blue

Well, Blue, it’s an English retort to weak tea and like most English sayings, they come from peculiar goings-on!

I have saved you from a completely unsatisfying and unnecessary experience for certain. I’m happy to discuss over a margarita in Bora Bora at your convenience 😉 How’s that for uteful?

I don’t know why but Eccles Cake sounds like a character in Viz and now I’m laughing. We don’t get that comic in Texas which is a bad shame. But how brave of you to order the Chokra. No, not the curry!
Sorry, that was, ahem, mature.

Obviously, I totally agree, LSP, and this character should be written up post haste and sent to Viz or the Sunday Sport.

Maturity is overrated! 😉

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