For Better Or Worse?

September 9, 2016 6:03pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 32 Comments

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Tomorrow my mother is getting married for the fourth time. Now that’s what you call believing in the sanctity of marriage, so hats off to her for that. I’ve started to call her Zsa Zsa which she’s taken umbrage to but I felt it was a vast improvement from mommy dearest. You just can’t please some people.

This also means I’m getting a new father figure which naturally makes me revert to atrocious child. Like I said to my new daddy to be, “There’s been three before you that failed to control me – Victorian dad doesn’t wash well with me.” I think this gave validation to my super villain status.

So, I was considering going dressed as a cowgirl since one upmanship on the villagers is imperative and, it’s a long arsed do that goes on and on and on: first there’s the registry office – “I do, You do? I do too then, OK – let’s wing it from here”, followed by big posh pub and grub, followed by a Blues music festival in a field thereafter. Me, being sensible, knows that a cowgirl get up will last the whole day through. But then, my mother went and made me chief photographer. Great, I get to shoot people. However, being the main snapper means total pressure, playing nice and desperately trying not to shout at the guests who’ve had one too many Prosecco’s before the bloody nuptials have commenced and can’t understand basic instruction like, “Look at me and pretend you’re enjoying yourself.” Or, “Jeff, mate, like I said, You’re 6 ft 6” and if you stand at the front then we can’t see the normal sized people at the back. And yes, I appreciate that you’re a University lecturer with a master’s degree but right now you’re being a muppet and couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. Please, for the third time, move.”

Help me.

I’ve been told to look nice and behave like a sweetheart and all that malarkey. My mother is expecting me to turn up tomorrow looking like this:

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Behaving this way:

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So that all the people coming that haven’t seen me for donkeys can still believe I’m as delightful as I ever was:

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Oops…

Anyway, being the dutiful daughter I decided to go into town today and get some polish for my boots. I also had a nice manicure and pedicure in sizzling pink to match the flowers going round my cowboy hat. Then, because I like to be ‘on fleek’ went and had my eyebrows threaded and tinted so they look amazing and stop me from looking tired. ( Particularly if I don’t sleep tonight and my mum shouts at me for having bags under my eyes) The girl who usually does this for me wasn’t there so I went to another top performing eyebrow artist. Having your eyebrows threaded is the most evil pain you can imagine but it gives precision results, thus resulting in massive eyebrow envy from others. It hurts MORE than having a Brazilian wax but I’m hard and the sacrifice is worth it. Unless of course you get someone who leaves the tint on too long ( a mere thirty seconds is all that is necessary just to give that block finish) and you end up looking like someone has drawn on your face with a whiteboard marker for a laugh whilst you were sleeping.  Which is precisely what happened.

Well, that did it. The lid came well and truly flying off the defiance I had been trying to keep locked inside and I think I’ve been barred from the Brow Bar.

This is ALL my mother’s fault. I’ve spent the last two hours scrubbing my eyebrows with everything from L’Oreal face scrub to ninety percent proof vodka and look like I’ve been in a very nasty fire. Brilliant. So, I’ve decided that this wedding should go out with a bang and leave the guests with something to talk about ….Oh, and not dare to give a single ounce of backchat to the photographer.

I’m going like this.  I think it’s time the people saw the real me. And no, I’m not kidding;)

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32 Comments

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My mother and my father were each married four times. I don’t find that unusual at all. My friend, Bill is on his ninth or tenth wife. We were trying to count them the other day while sitting on his porch, looking out at the desert. One Thai girl was his wife only because she married him for a passport and gave him US$25,000. He said that it didn’t count toward the total number. I assert that it does (thus the 9 or 10 number).

I would respect you even more if you turned up at the wedding with a cowboy style gun belt and a .45 revolver in the holster, but being as it’s Jolly old England, I don’t think you could pull it off for the duration of the ceremony. Somebody is likely to cheese-you-out to the local constabulary.

Congrats to your mother for catching up with my parents. I guess.

Good grief, Larry. Are you sure we’re not related?

Now far be it from me to be cynical because we all know that I’m not but when it starts to become a serial event….?
OK, you can put the first time down to youth, stupidity, naivety and Cinderella stories. Maybe the second time you’re wiser, know what you’re looking for and should get it near as damnedest but unless he died from your cooking then why, oh why, would you do it again? Surely you’d just see what happened, no? A commitment is only proven by your action not by a piece of paper given by a registrar or man of the cloth. So – 9 or 10 times is completely bonkers and I need to interview this Bill chap. I agree with him on marrying a Thai bird not counting cos at least he’s getting the total win out of that one financially.

The courts are all over the place, but it’s easier for the poorer of the two to cash out on a marriage license than in some sort of pal-a-mony lawsuit.

A friend of mine died about two years ago and his wife is jonesing around hard for a husband. She’s looking to replace not only “him” but the “memory of him”, which can’t ever stand up to any mortal man. I could delve into details because I knew them both very well. It’s so different when there is a divorce involved, an angry property dispute, the dividing of children, etc.

The lesson here (apparently lost on your mother) is that the word, “widow” conjures up a lot more positives than the word “divorcee”. In your “Sabrina Sterling persona” you can advise her on these things if the current match doesn’t work out.

Getting married with the vast wedding party bash works for the first time. After that, the skulk to Gretna Green (in the UK) for the quickie or in the US to Vegas, would seem to be a better solution. It would annoy you a whole lot less. Bill’s Thai match, which preceded a mainland Chinese lady, a Taiwanese Chinese lady and a Romanian Lady (current wife), was a lot more satisfying than a lot of his marriages. Keep in mind that I never met the first four wives. I can’t speak to that bliss.

Sabrina Sterling will get dreadfully impatient dealing with mother and her camera, cunningly disguised as a lethal, dart shooter would leave the guest list dwindling. Best suited for High Clowness to bring the custard pie into the situation. From Asian to Romanian. Is there a theme here? Is this bloke filling his wallet with dowry’s? Maybe he’s the smart one. 🙂

Irrespective of all other circumstances and situations, we need an after-action report (with photos).

Hmmm… I’ll see… 🙂

An interesting look indeed…and yet as always you manage to make it work! 🙂
Best to your Mum!
x

I’m good at bad masks! Suits me. In and out. Thank you 🙂 x

learned:

* congrats! i always cry at weddings. i’m always crying in general but still.
* i never throw rice at weddings. i’m a starving artist so the rice they give me is that night’s dinner.
* always shoot with a camera. what the world could have been…
* i have a master’s degree that hangs proudly over my psychiatrist couch. it’s signed first name Jack, last name Of All Trades.
* eyebrow artists are difficult to work with. very high-brow. and high.
* third pic down: the Queen of Hearts in high school
* L’Oreal means Loves Oreos in French.

*)

I do the same, particularly if it’s Singapore rice. Very tasty that stuff.

I’ve shot so many people that way. I’m the sharpest shooter this side of the pond.

Eyebrow artists can’t deal with the Queen of Hearts temperament. Off with their heads isn’t good for their brows.

Especially golden oreos which are basically a custard creme rip off. *)

Sniff …. Have fun!

You know where I am…..;P

“Having your eyebrows threaded is the most evil pain you can imagine…”
” It hurts MORE than having a Brazilian wax ….”

You might want to find someone who can do a better job or something. Because I didn’t know what was involved in this procedure, I looked it up and watched a half-dozen videos of the operation (I am now, by the way, a qualified eyebrow threader. 😉 ), including do-it-yourself….and nobody seemed to suffer any more than minimal discomfort. Hmmmm.
Oddly enough, all of the videos were done in England. Jus’ sayin’.

Ha! Well I’m impressed that I can teach you gun toting blokes a thing or two. You don’t know what pain is, Sol! Ah, You got the whole cotton pickin’ threading’ thing down now then? Amazing what you can pick up from YouTube these days 😉
Well of course they’re all from England – It’s called the London look. Don’t worry, it’ll get to America soon 🙂

Well. I hope so! Now that I’ve got it down, I can pick up plenty of extra $money.

Or at least enough to keep us in the good booze. 😉

Line ’em up! 🙂

Jules, you pull off a terrifying, demonic skull mask beautifully. I’m certain the attendees will listen very carefully to your orders and you’ll be able to shoot them with ease. I pledge allegiance to the wild side too.

I know. I was born to appear terrifying. As a member of the wild side you will understand then if I spike their glasses of bubbly in order to gain mass control.

Congratulations to your mom. I wish her loads of happiness. As for you my pretty…yes, show up as in the last pic. I’ll tell you why it’s a great idea. It will keep the too much prosecco guys who have a sense of liquid sexiness away, and it will scare everyone into following your directions. I like your way of thinking! Plus, since you’re the photographer, you won’t have to worry about anyone trying to capture your image and coming up blank…like a vampire in front of the mirror sort of thing. Definitely wear your bewts. Show ’em you really mean business. Seriously, have a great time. xx

I’ve just woken up and two things have happened:
1: I don’t look far off from the latter picture and I’ve not even started on the make up.
2: It’s pissing it down with rain which makes people even less compliant when you want to shoot them.

I’m seriously contemplating whether to have another cup of tea or just go straight for the single malt.

Bewwwts all polished and ready to kick off! I won’t let you down, Tracy xx

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Exactly, Grunt. It’s only going to get better from this point in!

Do girls still do the Brazilian wax thing? I mean, what with the Zika virus and all…

As Chief Photographer, I can hear you now: “Right, can I have the Bride & Groom please, standing just here, in front of this door… and the groom’s family just over there, in front of that door…”

I hope you all have a smashing day!

Most girls these days go for a full Hollywood just to keep the forest completely free from the Zika virus but that tends to invite a whole lot of other viruses…
You’re not wrong, Masher, though I’m more inclined to place them on loose fitting manhole covers….

Thank you 🙂

Congratulations to your Mum, Jules. Her devotion to the noble institution of marriage is a credit to her. She’s obviously the persevering type. You should make a statement about her ex-husbands – that those not still alive met natural deaths that were not the subject of a police investigation. A woman on her fourth marriage needs to scotch any Black Widow rumours.

Oh no, Mr. Gorilla Bananas, instead I made sure I said out loud , at the bar thereafter, ” So, mum, how are we gonna do this one?” Hahaha….get the villagers on edge.

If you mum is on her fourth marriage maybe she needs to start thinking that she might not actually be any good at being married. My father-in-law is on his fifth however that seems to be holding up well.

Well hello there Tony – good to see you back in blogland!

I don’t understand the need to do keep doing the marrying part unless it’s for financial security but then I’m a cynical git. 😉

But going as a cowgirl would make you stand out. It would make the event event all about YOU instead of your mum.

Oh…wait…

Listen, I can do that WITHOUT dressing up 😛

Just knowing that somebody has been married 10 times makes me think “wow”.

I know. Why? I don’t get it either, Terry. And thank you for the visit. Come back to the playground anytime 🙂

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