From One Golden Clot To Another

June 20, 2018 2:27pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 21 Comments

Kane scoring against Tunisia

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Basically, England have already won The World Cup.

Tunisia Got Kaned!  was my idea for the next day’s punny, sporting headline but nobody used it.  Why? I should be working for The Sun.

This young and fresh England squad have now convinced us that this will be the year that, “Football’s coming home” It’s written in the stars and after our victorious first game pub landlords across the land are rubbing their hands together in glee. 

England shirt detail

I’ve watched most of the games so far in the group stages and yet again got myself entrenched in the football euphoria!  This means shouting at the TV,  inventing new words for the biased dimwit of a referee and causing myself untold stress. I don’t know why I do it. Especially when I remember this…

How much I hate Ronaldo. 

What a tosser. 

I’m sorry but I can’t help myself.  I have an unhealthy and violent loathing for this man and it only worsened in the Rooney/ Ronaldo incident of 2006.  When he gave that arrogant little wink I very nearly punched him through my TV screen. 

And yes, I know he’s an exceptional footballer. No question. And yes, he’s a pretty boy if you like that sort of smug looking, pierced ears kinda thing. I don’t. I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. 

He once said this: “People are envious of me because I’m rich, handsome and a great player.” Well, as narcissists go, he really takes the Ace card. 

The only moment of joy I have experienced connected to this arrogant man, (who I like to call Cris Ronald, takes the shine off him a bit, doesn’t it?) was when he unveiled the bust of himself that looked like he’d had a facial seizure. Boy, that must’ve stung.  Shame.  I loved it. 

Clearly, he needs a golden boot up his arse.  And I need therapy. 

Talking of Boots and Medical Aid…

I went out last night with my friend for a couple of orange flavoured gin and tonics because that sounded sophisticated and gin is in a frenzy in the UK at the moment for some reason.  And, we are sophisticated, so…

I kept poking at my leg because I’ve had this sharp, hot pain in my calf for a few days now.  I thought the gin might take it off but they put too much ice in it.  Shameful.  It just so happened I was out with someone connected to the medical profession. I’ve come to find that this is a colossal mistake because they scare you to death. 

“You want to get that looked at sharpish, it could be a blood clot.”

“Gee, thanks.”  

Well, I slept like a baby. Not.  I spent the whole night deliberately tossing and turning and doing those aeroplane exercises that they tell you to do on long-haul flights.  I’ve got pretty well-developed calves from my dancing days, (way better than Ronaldo’s) so I was able to continue this for hours until I got severe cramp. That didn’t help. 

Debbie Does Doctor

I got up early to ring the doctor and waited for 45 minutes on the phone. They have this new system in place where you can’t just make an appointment anymore.  You have to ring up on the day and if you get through quick enough you can have one.  If not, you have to ring back the next day and so on.  It’s like a free for all on Ryan Air.  

I was twelfth in the queue at 8 am. Annoying though this was, it gave me time to get my spiel on. You have to be mighty cunning to get past the receptionists because they think they’re doctors and make decisions on your life like an Emperor at a gladiatorial arena. 

I went straight in with the “I’ve been told by a medical professional that I could have a blood clot and I wouldn’t want you having that on your conscience, Debbie, if you don’t let me in.” 

Bingo. Early morning appointment, no questions.  Which only added to my fear.  Even Debbie knows I’m done for. 

Call Me Peggy

And what do my friends and family say to me when I tell them how worried I am?

“You’d be a nightmare if you have to have your leg amputated!”

Nice. Thanks for that.

“You’d make a great pirate though! Great at parties! You could throw your false leg at people!”

Hmm.. maybe I’d get a nasty parrot to peck your eyes out.

Rude. Just because I’m the sort of person that stands up for herself and doesn’t take prisoners and scored 0th percentile in the agreeableness test, doesn’t mean I’m not sensitive.

 I drove off to the doctors rather worried and begged God for mercy, “Look, I’m proper sorry for all the things I’ve done wrong and keep doing despite promising not to but, baby steps, ya know… and I really don’t want to have to have my leg amputated because I won’t be able to wear my cowboy bewwwts which will totally destroy me. How can I do the two-step with one leg? Oh, my days! Is it because I scorned Ronaldo? I’m sorry. Ok, that’s a lie. But I’ll try and be sorry about that. I won’t curse at him again. Not out loud anyway.”

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News…

I told the doc my worst fears.  She laughed.  Is it me?

“DTV?”

“OMG!”

“ADT…’

“WTF?”

Have you ever tried to have an acronyminal conversation with a doctor?  I can tell you that’s a first for me.  Anyway, so far so good.  I’m still here. There’s no visual evidence of a clot in my leg and she doesn’t know what it is.  If it gets worse, I go back and if it goes away? Phew, that’s what you call a golden goal. 

 

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Since I’m not there to spread sunshine all over you, this will have to do, because there are bright sides to the situation:

You don’t have to be a pirate. You can be a poser, claiming to have lost your leg in combat in one war or another, or to have lost it from riding the range in one of your Texas trips. You got off the horse and BANG, you were bitten by a snake. I can come up with a lot of scenarios. You could also take prosthesis off and sit by the entrance to a motorway holding a sign. “They stole my leg”. (employment opportunity). You could change your name from Juliette to “Peggy” – or if it’s a thin prosthetic “Twiggy”.

And all morbidity (pun intended) aside, I do hope that it’s NOT something tragic or debilitating or bad in any way. The doctor (where did they attend school – if it’s Calcutta or somewhere like that, I don’t think that you can trust the advice) always knows best.

Larry, you are sunshine itself no matter where you are!

Hahaha! I like all of yours. I particularly like the sign saying “They stole my leg”

I think Peggy Lee Crazy would have to be my moniker though let’s hope whimsy doesn’t take me down the hop-along route!

She was a nice Irish lady. Soft Irish, not the sort that has been in the pub all night and told me to shut up moaning and to go home and have a pint of Guinness so I reckon I’ve got a 60/40 chance!

I can’t BEAR Ronald McChristian either. Can’t stand him. What is it about him and his horrendous Adams Apple? Gimme that bust of him anytime. On the calf thing, you probably just need orthotic insoles in your bewwwts. The tricky bit is getting the Doctor to refer you to Orthotics. Best of luck with that!

I don’t know many people that do, Rick. Ewww, I KNOW!

Orthotic insoles? What is this joy? They probably don’t make such a thing for cowboy boots! I’m hoping whatever it goes away fast! 🙂

Cris Ronald is a winging arrogant over hyped over paid over dramatic waste of time so you’re entitled to dislike him God will not punish you for it he’d probably agree with you. AND you are allowed to shout at the tv in fact us compulsory with the dreadful referees we’ve seen. As for your leg pain it’s probab caused because psychologically you’re probably kicking every ball that goes near the goal so technically it’s a sporting injury

Oh, look! Another fan! There are not nearly enough adjectives in there; I want more!

Overpaid? Nah. He’s only on about 46 million a year. Pocket change.

Actually, since it started after the England game you might just be right! 🙂

An acronyminal conversation with a doctor… Well, OCD springs to mind and I said WTF. Now I embrace the term. I’m OCD with a vengeance, so you’d better watch out, world. Anyshoe, Debbie Does Doctor sounds like an overdue sequel. Just saying I know my movies.

” I thought the gin might take it off but they put too much ice in it.” See, that’s why you’re the best. Your sense of humor remains unrivaled.

It’s my Blue diamond!

Debbie does doctor would be a fabulous sequel and revival of everything so cliché of this genre! It must be done!
These barkeeps think they can fool you with a giant cocktail by loading the glass with a bucket of ice cubes. “No, no, no, pal. Take ’em out! If I wanted my medicine watered down I’d have said so.” I would not get through this life without a sense of humour and friends like you. You’re better than the best.

Jules, I’m sure you’d make the funnniest pirate but I hope that isn’t the outcome. Keep tabs on that leg and go back soon if it hasn’t subsided.
Does anyone like Cristian’s Ronaldo?

I’ve actually been imagining it. Then I thought about that and how one should be careful what they think about and went into a mild panic trying to snatch my thoughts out of the universe. It’s a very scary place in my head. I am monitoring my leg every time I have a cup of tea. Thank you for your concern, Jane 🙂

No. Except for perhaps Real Madrid fans. #Fickle

Ronaldo is a complete nob.
Nuff sed.

As for losing your leg, well, think of the positive side… you could probably get fifty thousand words out of that particular episode.

I’m so glad it’s not just me!

I know, right? That’s at least a years worth of blog posts! #LeglessWithALizard

the more and more I stare at that statue……………………….the more and more it looks like Jim Courier…

at the pre-game this morning the Fox Sports machinery team were proclaiming that Cristiano Ronaldo was like a fine wine. Alexi Lalas stands up and declares, “yes he is a fine wine. but he’s just one goblet. he can’t win it for Portugal by himself. so CR is more like a Portugal port you drink when you’re drinking alone.”

blood clots are no laughing matter. even the pronunciation of the word “clot” sounds bad.

here’s to health, mah dahlin

dancing days? you ARE Debbie Harry, aren’t you? it’s really you!

*)

That’s it, Jim Courier. I knew it looked like someone reasonably pleasant and personable.

Yep, I agree, Rick!

My sweet, I am Debbie Harry, it is true. My leg is better a little, thank you for your concern.

He is not even a good port, no. Maybe a cheap wine. Vinigery. And now Harry Kane ( LOVE HIM) has exceeded his World Cup goal record what with the 6-1 victory yesterday. Did I mention that? 6-1. SIX WHOLE GOALS. Total rapture *)

What an excellent brazen bust. But please don’t end up in Boston.
https://youtu.be/x-64CaD8GXw

I love that song! Good call, LSP! 🙂

Jules,
Once again you have made me laugh out loud and simultaneously cause me to be concerned about your physical and mental welfare. Thank you for the laughs but you had better keep an eye on the clot thing. That’s serious stuff. Better up your game with the fruits and veggies. 🙂

Well, I’m glad to hear that, ‘Nox! Laughter is the best medicine!

I had loads of fruit in my orange gin: oranges, lemons, rhubarb slices, blueberries and some other thing. And gin is made from juniper berries so basically that’s a superfood salad 😉

I don’t think anyone can help my mental welfare but I promise I am being quite well behaved on the physical side. Honest.

I’ve been following the tourney and am so happy for you guys! You must be beside yourselves with joy. And say what you want about Renaldo, you wouldn’t kick him out of bed. Don’t tell me otherwise.

I wonder how many of your readers get your ‘Debby Does…’ reference?

Call if it gets worse is cold comfort to the suffering.

I am ecstatic right now, M. However, I also get very stressed which heightens as we progress for obvious reasons.

Actually, someone like Ronaldo wouldn’t get anywhere near my bed, or anywhere else. I’m deadly serious. I’m way too nice for the likes of him. I have standards you know!

Yeah – I hate that medical ambiguity. Cheers, doc! 🙂

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