Her Mind’s Eye

September 7, 2013 2:35pm Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 40 Comments

It was early evening in late September; that time when it suddenly seems to seasonally change and summer has reached it’s apogee and is fading fast into the coolness of Autumn.  We sat outside watching the sky get dirty as the sun sank in gold and orange bands.  She pulled her thin cardigan tighter around her huddled body, her dark blonde hair hanging like a stage curtain, thick and pulled like a tie in the middle behind her ear and blanketing her shoulders as she looked down at her knees.  

“I hate people.” She said not moving from her position but just letting that drop into the silence.

I shuffled in my wicker and metal seat, uncomfortable in my position both literally and because I was unsure of how to respond.  I said nothing. Sometimes that’s the best way. Instead I bit the inside of my lip and watched as her smooth hands cupped her knees.

“Nobody gets me.” She added flatly. “ Why do I have to pretend to like people or spend time with them for hours when I really don’t want to be with them?”

“Well, It’s kind of difficult to avoid people…”  I left it at that.

“ I don’t mind strangers ‘cos they don’t bother me. They are like just people in the way when you’re walking around but…but the people that are supposed to care about you….” She paused letting out a gentle sigh and leant back in her chair, wiping a hand across her mouth as though to stop the words from spilling out. “The ones that are meant to care…they don’t really.”  She gave a half smirk as though her statement had connected with her soul inside.  She stared into the middle distance travelling motionlessly with her thought. Transfixed and caught in a space nobody else could enter.   

She was soft and pretty and the dusky, dying light only added more sheen to her youthful beauty. So lost; so vulnerable.  I wanted to hug her but knew that wasn’t what she wanted.   She wanted to be heard not cosseted with the temporary shield of a cuddle.  I understood that.  I hated people touching me when I felt like that; open with emotional wounds.

I leant across the table and offered my hand.  

“No.” she whispered breaking away from her mental wormhole and giving a look of disdain to my open palm.  I knew she’d reject it but had felt I should offer some sort of physical comfort.  I pulled it away and began to fiddle with the draw strings on my hoody, pulling them tight so it crinkled up the hood part behind my neck from the chilly air. 

“ Do you ever think of disappearing or going missing?” She looked at me straight on.  Big round eyes, full of liquid and at the brink of tension like a meniscus curve. 

“Yes.”  I nodded with a faint smile not releasing eye contact. “I’ve often thought of running away to some new place and starting over.  Becoming a new and better version of me or someone completely different.  Inventing a new personality, changing my hair colour and clothes and being free from all that holds me back now.” 

“Yeah… Me too.”  She put her head on one side and looked out over my head envisioning a world where everybody loved her. “So, why haven’t you then?” 

“It’s a short term fix. It’s not an answer to your problems it’s running away from them.  You will still be who you are inside.”

“Do you think people would miss you if you disappeared? Do you think they would care that you’d gone?” I could hear the girl screaming for attention inside her as she spoke.

I thought about it.  I’d heard stories of people going missing or running away.. Their friends and family desperate to hear from them.  “If only they had come to me and told me how they felt.”  They’d say publicly.  I always wondered about that.  Maybe the runaway had tried several times but they just weren’t listening.

“ You may not think people miss you now but yes, they would if you went away.  You only miss something when you don’t have it anymore. But you shouldn’t have to do that to feel loved or important.”  I pulled my hands inside my sleeves and watched her fish for something from her denim shorts pocket.  It was a hair bobble and a kirby grip.  She must have had her hair up earlier.  The grip was attached to the band and she weaved it in and out of some spilled water on the table making patterns as she thought.

“I felt special once. He made me feel special, like a princess…you know?”  She looked up at me briefly and I smiled.  “ It was intense…in the beginning… like a beautiful poem.  He loved me.  I loved him. We connected. Then over time the words became less, the romance faded like that rose over there..”  I looked across the patio at a once glorious white rose now shed of half its petals and the remainder wilting and browning at the edges. “ I knew he didn’t love me the same anymore, not like he did at the start…it died.”

“It evolved maybe?”  I offered carefully.

“No…I wasn’t his ideal.  He couldn’t love me like I wanted to be loved. I don’t think anybody  can.”  The scraping of the chair on the patio slabs brought a sudden grounding to the situation as she stood up from her seat.

“I understand.”  I replied.  Because I did.

I watched her grey converse trainers kick the rucksack over at the side of the table leg as she bent down to pick it up by one of it’s straps. 

“Does it get easier?’  She asked hopefully.

“Not really.” I wasn’t going to lie.

“See ya then..”  She smiled for the first time that night.  Not a full smile and not with the eyes but a smile nonetheless.

She disappeared into the night and like any inner child, was silenced for the now.

40 Comments

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I like this. A lot.

Thank you Larry 🙂

Nicely done, my friend. 🙂

Thanks Jen x

wonderful piece here. had to look up kirby grip 🙂

Ha ha! I like it when I make you do that! Thank you Phoenix 🙂

I’d like to say a big thank you to Ken Guidotti – from metro voice over, who was inspired by this post and chose to read it. Sounds wonderful and I’m truly honoured. Please listen to his recording here:

http://metrovoiceover.com/hme.html

Rather profoundly good and thought provoking I am thinking..

Why thank you David 🙂 Keep on thinking..:)

Like a piercing wind through the tiniest hole in the heart, then echoed between beats the lament of a faded love.

Very well conceived and executed. Very well done, Julietta.

OB

Gosh…so poetic. OB 🙂

Thank you Dean *courtseys* 🙂

Wow. Just. Wow.

The funny thing is I also have felt that feeling of wanting to run away and start all over as someone else.

Let’s do it!! Where shall we go?

Bora Bora is pretty nice, what do ya think Dee? 🙂

Thank you my friend 🙂

Yeah, I like your stories… very touchy-feely. But there’s just not enough sci-fi in them for me.

I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a couple of phasor rifles and a bit of temporal distortion.

Would it?

You and your bloody sci -fi… You know I’m going to relent eventually don’t you?

Leave it with me…

I’m not worried about the inner child, because the outer adult speaking to her was so wisdomous.

But not quite as wisdomous as a Gorilla.

She sounds like a right misery guts.

Too much Jeremy Kyle and not enough ale.

I love your writing Julietta… this made me escape the humdrum that’s my life at the moment 🙂

Thank you Miss Doodlebug. 🙂 Escaping from humdrum is a GOOD thing! Stay away from it!

good story, Juliette !

i have this conversation over and over and over again with a friend.
while i understand the hurt and disappointment, i feel like that this person isn’t doing anything to change the situation. it’s like that’s all this person could ever talk about when we get together. we all go through some shitty stuff but at one point, we gotta actively find a way to heal and get on.

Very true Jaya.. all things in time innit.

Love it. You always write such deep and realistic dialog/character interactions. Beautiful. So true to life.

Thanks Crystal that’s very kind of you. 🙂

This person needs to visit the nearest cancer hospital and count her blessings.
I would not hang out with her until.

Hello Goatman. Well, I think each and every one of us at some point or many points in our life could do with counting our blessings. We’ve all been there, heartache, sorrow, moaning about paying taxes, not having enough money, bitching about this , that or the other when, like you rightly point out, there are far worse situations to be in. However, whilst what you say is true, it doesn’t stop people from going through sadness and feeling low at various points in life- we have ALL been there and have ALL got lost in our own misery which is relative to us at the time. It’s why sad songs always sell well 🙂

But they are usually listened to alone, I find.

Well, there is that 😉

Wow… just Wow…

Haven’t we all been there??

People let me down…

I’m sure I’ve let people down…

This was wonderful…

~shoes~

Why thank you Shoes 🙂

Yes we have all been there. Makes us become strong and yet empathetic and then we can blog about it! ;P

Yes, we can blog about it!!! HAR!!!!

How are you, dear??

~shoes~

I’m cracking on my friend 😉 Wading through the sludge, smashing down the obstacles and laughing in the face of adversity and all that malarkey!
Hope you are doing proper fine and dandy too 🙂 HAR!!

Just found you through shoes. This was a lovely piece. Well done!

Oh to be found through shoes… how lovely. Thank you so much Ella and welcome 🙂

I like your writing. It’s real. You described what often happens in a relationship. At first it is great. You talk and talk. And then the talking begins to lag. She doesn’t call the next day. You don’t call her…

Hello David and thank you 🙂
You’re so right. In the beginning it’s all hearts and flowers and then it either dies a sorry death or evens off. I suppose that’s reality and the former is the fairy tale.
I note that pulp fiction is listed as your favourite film which is also mine which just gave you EXTRA brownie points 🙂 thanks for the visit and I shall call over to see what you’re telling the world shortly.

Wow! Thanks. I may spend all those brownie points when you read my blog. With the exception of a few pieces years ago I had not tried writing any fiction until recently. And I had never tried any SciFi.

I’ll read it some other time, Jules. Just wanted to say hi.

Hey there Blue… Great to have a hello from you. Been thinking about you and sending you well wishes. It’s just NOT the same without you. ((((hugs))))

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