I Smell Bulls….

March 21, 2018 8:33pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 28 Comments

Rodeo Houston Banner Advert

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I woke up this morning with a dreadful head cold. I felt so poorly that I promptly went back to bed.

You might wonder how one can catch a cold in Texas where the sun burns down ferociously but then it depends where you’ve been playing, doesn’t it?

Bare Back Riding

That could be a possibility, except it wasn’t me.

Houston Rodeo Arena

I went to the Houston Rodeo and watched macho males bucking on horses and bulls. Such insanity but excellent fun!

Bull rider at Houston Rodeo

When attending any public event, you are at risk of catching germs. Maybe it was here that I caught my wretched cold?

Int’l Texas Cowboy Church

I went to Cowboy Church (best church on this planet full stop). I drove up to see my name in lights!

Cowboy Church Events board

Perhaps I caught my cold here since this is the place where I get my years supply of hugs. Nah, there’s too much love and purity in this place for sickness to thrive.

And then it dawned on me.

The Dream Condo

That’s how it was advertised as I searched endlessly for somewhere to stay. Like the idiot I am, I left it until the eleventh hour to book a pad. On Rodeo week. DUH. All my hotspot Airbnb’s had been booked up so I ended up on some random site on the internet where I found a vacancy at “Dream Condo.” Imagine my surprise!

This gaff was situated exactly where I wanted to be, it said. So with glee, I booked it.

When I eventually found it several miles from where it promised it was, I learned that the elevator was broken. This is particularly useful when you have several heavy bags to carry.

Still, it’s a dream condo. The advert said so. Once inside it will be awesome!

I opened the door and was immediately greeted with this:

Large white couch in apartment

“Pimp it up swag.”

WOW. I can have a minimum of 25 people dossing on that couch to eat popcorn and watch a movie!

Wrong.

In order to watch a film, a TV is needed. In its place instead was a gigantic picture.

Picture in condo

Not only is this the only “Dream Condo” without a television but also the only abode in America. How ridiculous! I’ve still got to see what happens to Bill and Ben and now I’ll never know!

And then I spotted this sacrificial Voodoo…

Animal skull in apartment

Is that the last tenant?

However, la piece de resistance was yet to be unveiled.

I opened the door to my bedroom…

I froze on the spot.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I looked around to make sure I wasn’t on camera.

Imagine, if you will, what the premier suite of Motel 6 might look like.

And….Voila! The boudoir!

Round bed in apartment
Can’t think where I caught my sinful germs from, can you?

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Are you sure that you didn’t book a ‘honeymoon suite’? (No TV is needed)

Did you comment about bareback riding when you booked the room? It could have been an innocent mistake.

Larry Lambert! Now, had I snagged myself a Rodeo Star this story might have been a bit more interesting and fitting and I might have been able to make some moola on a “Twenty Shades With Texas Red” cowboy novel. Alas, I had this awesome pad all to myself. Let me tell you, going to bed was daunting! Getting out of the damn thing was even more entertaining!

I never trust those Air BNB’s. Likely a camera in every room, trying to make a few extra bucks by selling the ‘footage’ off to porn sites. And what can you call that room but a “porn film set”?

I thought THE VERY SAME THING! So, I checked. Then I did a burlesque dance. If I’m gonna get shot, may as well make it a bestseller! Scary….

What an amazing bed! But surely you were in Amsterdam not Houston?!?

Juliette didn’t say if it had one of those vibration machines that jiggled the bed – a quarter for ten minutes.

I couldn’t find the button. I half expected it to be a waterbed too so I took my knife with me when I leapt in!

You’d think!

I spent days trying to analyse what the owner was like. *Utopian Ghetto*

You could certainly catch something in that bed.
Not sure it would be a germ, though.

I have body scrubbed several times since, Masher. However, I think I may have breathed in something nefarious from the pillow….ewwwwww!

You probably don’t want to shine an ultraviolet light on that bedspread then….

Ewww, Eww, EWWWWWWWW. No. I do not! :/

I shook with laughter at the bed. Boy would I like to meet the weirdo that designed this pad. Get a refund. No tv. How uncivilised

You wouldn’t if you had to sleep in it, trust me.
I’m not sure I’d EVER want to meet the owner.

AND no hairdryer either! OR any balcony furniture. “Here’s a nice balcony but you can’t sit on it!”

Complain and ask for a refund. Looks like it’s either minimalist or it’s been burgled!

It’s not worth the hassle. At least I can say I’ve slept in the worst bed known to mankind!

Hey! That’s the Brooklyn Bridge! If you’re going to replace TV with a large image, there’s nothing better than the Brookly Bridge, reet?

I hope you didn’t overpay for that joint.

Yes, but I prefer looking at Brooklyn Bridge in reality, M, not in a Texan condo!

It’s hard to tell. Some things here are cheap by comparison and others are expensive. Can you even put a price on a such a place and sleeping experience? 😉

That is down right nasty ugly.
You’d have done way better in the trailer of a bareback rider…

Hahahaha! I couldn’t have put it better, Brig! 🙂

YeeHaw for Red Bluff… this is the greatest bull: https://youtu.be/YRohl8VTMO4

Wow! These guys are mental but so hardcore!

Yes, my sweet, but those millions of dollars for playing are a good flu remedy! *)

That boudoir looks hideous. I mean, you just don’t want to see a best of video of that particular spot right there. Thanks for the heads-up? (Pun intended)

Hi Jules.

Blue!!

I think your neighbours may like it!

Great pun. Hello, my sweetness. 🙂

I’m positive my hump-happy neighbor will.

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