It’s All Going On…

June 1, 2022 3:37pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments

Ummm… Not Sure About The Whimsy But It Is Wednesday!

Dearest Readers,

I know it’s been a while but I’ve had it all going on. I almost gave up the thought of blogging ever again but then I realised this thing is my passage to freedom. Yes, indeed. That’s a thing I’ve been missing.

The Great And Charismatic Tex the Lonewolf Timber

Over the Easter period, my wolfit Tex nearly died. In and out of vet hospitals and 12.5K of vet bills later, I’m pleased to say he still lives but is now on lifetime medication for Addison’s disease. This involves a monthly injection and a daily steroid tablet costing £217 a month which allows the vet to keep the private plate on his Lexus that says SIT. I have a Sharpie ready in my bag for my next visit so I can re-insert the H.

The Gall Of It

In January I got diagnosed with a gallstone the size of Everest. Apparently, that’s what eating bacon in Texas every day can do to you. I was scheduled for surgery in May but it got cancelled due to the backlog of people waiting for ops since Covid and the shortage of medical staff. I am now going in early July. However, last week I got sent to hospital in an ambulance as the pains were so bad they thought I had a heart problem. I didn’t, thankfully, but it was an interesting day out in the surgical trauma unit. First off they had to take my blood. I forgot to uncurl my fist which made the blood come out too fast and the nurse nearly dropped the cannula. She instinctively went to catch it with her right-hand forgetting that was the one she had the needle in. This resulted in it twisting in my arm and her apologising for the giant bruise on its way.

I then had to provide a urine sample. Off I went to the loo with my little plastic bottle. Why is it that hospital toilets are so high? Anyway, as most women will know, trying to aim into one of these tiny bottles is insanely difficult. You basically have to hold it in what you think is the right position and take pot luck whilst peeing all over your hand. However, In the corner of this large lavatory cubicle, I happened to spot a stack of those cardboard things that hospitals give you to either, wee, poo or puke in.

“I’ll use one of those!” I thought, like a genius.

So, I’m standing above the world’s highest toilet, ankles pinned together by jeans, on my tippy-toes with a cardboard thingy between my thighs. I remember concentrating very hard because I didn’t want to fall over with a box of bitch piss. Of course, cos I’d held it in for ages, my bladder was on a roll and I had to stop quickly before it overflowed. Dear God. Then I carefully tried to prize the bowl from between my legs without spilling the contents all over the place. The idea wasn’t quite as smart as I first thought since now I had to pour a bowl full of urine into a small tube and the cardboard thingy didn’t have a spout. Bugger. You can imagine how that went. I had to wash everything down, including the tube without washing my name off and wrapped my sample in loads of loo roll cos there’s nothing worse than handing over your yellow wee-wee at room temperature to a nurse and still expecting her to like you.

Now, the problem was, when I went to dispose of the cardboard vessel I noticed that the only bin in the toilet was a pathetic vanity pedestal bin.  Why in hell would you have such a stupid and pointless bin like this in a hospital bog? I stood there for a while just looking at it and wondering what on earth I was going to do. And no, I couldn’t possibly put it back in the stack and hope nobody would notice! As if that thought would even cross my mind!

“Well, I’m just going to have to fold it up very small and get it into the tiniest bin ever.”

I don’t know what they make these things out of but this should be a challenge on a Japanese game show. It’s impossible. I had to resort to jumping on it just to get it part flat and in half. I left it sticking out of the bin and re-entered the trauma unit to a sea of bemused faces all wondering why I’d been forever dancing in the toilet. The shame of it all.

The upshot is, that I can’t eat any fats at all until my operation. I weep every time I see broccoli because it is basically all I can eat. Anyone who dares tell me again that it’s a superfood whilst eating their stuffed crust pizza with extra cheese might find a wolfit with roid-rage stuck to their arse!

Apart from that, everything’s peachy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

23 Comments

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Blimey, it’s all going on innit. I’ve been wondering what has happened to you. Sounds very nasty (eating broccoli, not the gallstone). Good job I didn’t drop any Jaffa Cakes off for your birthday then. Hope you get that special date in July. Let me know when you are out and we’ll go out for something with lots of bacon on it!
PS spending £12.5k and the rest on the dawg sounds very nasty as well.

I’m gonna hold you to that, Rick! In fact, extra bacon on top FOLLOWED by at least 2 packets of jaffa cakes!

A broccoli diet, is it? You’re getting a good foretaste of life in hades, which should be sufficient to make you hew to the straight and narrow from now on! You do have our sympathies and encouragement, knowing how painful gallstones are.

I don’t wanna go to Hades, Roger! The all-inclusive menu is horrible! I promise to be good!

The only thing that would make this story more entertaining would be to include more photos ;). A diet devoid of sweets is true torture and I eat healthily.

Haha! They would be terrifying!
It is torture. I hate it. The days are very long and full of green disappointment.

It’s been a tough time for you & us both with our dogs 😢 But when you’ve lost the gall bladder it’s curry, wine & fun! Followed by a sobering early morning doggie play date with sausage cobs & coffee! Love you loads BFF 🐾❤️

It certainly has, my friend. Thank God they’re alright now.
Oh yes – we are going to make up for it. This could be a shuey! X

CANNULA!!! sounds painful. i am so sorry for your medical nightmare, mah dahlin, hoping everything turns out well in the end.

come on over here to California, we don’t put bacon on pizza, we put organic tofu on pizza. and our crusts are all cauliflower. the only reason i haven’t tried avocado toast yet is there isn’t a Dunkin Donuts ANYWHERE in Central Cali. oh yeah, and broccoli dipped in Napa wine…

your gallstone ordeal is like that Tool music video about the lead singer’s enema.

there’s a Japanese game show in which parents let their kid roam the streets alone and then the kid enters a random grocery store and buys all the fruits and vegetables for the family that week…

i am SO happy Tex is back up healthy and running around!!!

*)

I spelt it wrong!

I’d probably like avocado toast as I like avocados. I like them now, but if I eat too many more they might make friends with broccoli and our relationship will be over. Can’t have wine as it creates acid. All joy has been ripped away. I live like a being of purity except for my horrid thoughts and snappy temper. That’s what green stuff does to a person.

Me too. I was so upset when he was poorly I think I gave myself stomach ulcers! *)

You should ask to bring the pee vessel home and get a sample from Tex. They’d up the surgery date

Haha! What a brilliant idea LL, except they’d probably haul me in for rabies and a dropped bollock.

Bwahahaha!!

That’s the best you could come up with, to explain your absence? Tsk.
I was walking my mutt through the woods yesterday, when I met up with one of the regular dog walkers who I hadn’t seen in a long time. He explained that his dog had been ill with Addisons. I’ve never heard of it before and now twice in two days! Glad Tex is on the mend.
I remember the pain my wife was in when she had gall problems, so I feel for you.
Get well soon. xx

Well, it’s better than the dog ate my blog post, innit!

I’d never heard of it before either, I thought he’d been poisoned by something. It’s a horrible thing when they go into a crisis.

Ooh, it’s a nasty pain. The surgeon said to me that the two most painful things you can have are gallstones or kidney stones. Anything that puts me off eating has got to be bad as I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Thank you, Masher x

Oh, NOEZ, Jules! Sorry to hear your under the weather. My Father had his gall bladder removed one night about 0300 under extreme duress. He woke up screaming, we called an ambulance, and he went from the ER to Surgery. He had to watch what he ate after that, but otherwise no aftereffects.

Hope it doesn’t come to that for you.

Oh, bless him, it is a painful experience. I have to go and have mine out. Having eaten mostly vegetables for months I am sure that once it’s gone my diet has GOT to be better than now. Please, God!

The answer to blah broccoli (or any green veggie) is to smother it in Kraft Cheez Whiz.
It’s not quite up to Velveeta standards, but it will do very well as a substitute.
Think of the endless possibilities if your town is blessed with a buffet restaurant with a cheese fountain. You could treat yourself to a creamy golden shower!
Love Ya,
~PPS

Do you know what, Mucker? For once in my life, I am going to agree with you on the fake cheese because anything, ANYTHING has got to be better than the taste of fields. I think this could be the turning point of me falling for the cheese whizz wagon. I’ll take that golden shower!

Love ya then X

Oh my.
Well, no one ever said life’d be easy. I know this! There’s a soft and gentle rain in this part of Texas, somehow that’s related 🙂
God save the Queen.

No, it’s never easy. You have to take your medicine and do it with a smile on your face. Ask Gareth.

God save her! What a legend.

When my mum went in to hospital with gallstones her bloods came back ‘deranged’’. Was your blood deranged too?

During my last two pregnancies I had to do
24 hour urine collections. Cardboard bowls and 5 gallon containers aren’t anymore fun than peeing in a tiny bottle let me tell you 😉

Well, to be honest, I think that ship sailed long ago!

Oh, my word. What a nightmare. I bought one of those Shewee things for blog purposes once and this is the kind of thing I need to be carrying around when this kind of drama unfolds!

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