January 9, 2019 1:15pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments

An American Street Sign

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I’m in that New Year’s grip of fear of failure.  I’ve only just ventured up the mountain but the summit is a long way off.  It would be easier to turn around and sack it off but I’ve been good for a whole 8 days. Laughable to some, miraculous for me. I’m a creature of habit; bad ones. They’re way more fun. The meagre baby steps I’ve taken up the steep and waring peak of perfection are a great measure of success to me and fuelling the Jules Drive onward. 

Talking of Steps…

steps made from wine bottlesles

These wine steps are my favourite and once I’ve mastered my SAS life challenge, I might install some in my abode.  I met them at a wine tasting experience bought for me before Christmas when days were fun and I became a wine snob. However, I found out yesterday morning that I’m a long way off sommelier status.

I arrived promptly at the coffee house at 8 am. Getting out and into the big wide world on a crisp and chilly morning does wonders for the spirit. And way nicer when it’s not a gym day and you can sit pleasantly amongst the early risers without having to cycle around a digital version of Lake Tahoe trying desperately to keep your cucumber water down.  

The warm, inviting aroma of extortionately priced coffee wafted through the air and the grinding from the coffee machines gave a sense that all was well; ready to fuel an industrious people before they set about their painstaking paper-pushing. I ordered a non-pretentious latte because healthy people are stupid and drink chai keep it simple and I sat down and noticed a spare newspaper available.  What better than to exercise my brain with an early morning crossword before getting to the task of writing. I managed to complete the puzzle bar one four letter word for wine sediment where I couldn’t make dregs fit.  Annoyingly, I had to look this up and found that it is known as “lees”.

Obviously, I never knew this because my wine snobbery is in its infancy and I don’t drink straight from the aged oak barrel. 

On the drive back I tuned into BBC Radio 4 where they were discussing tomatoes.  Apparently, one should not keep these juicy little reds in the fridge as I do because it stops the enzyme that gives them their delicious, off-the-vine taste.

I looked at the time on my car dash and realised that in the space of 49 minutes I’d learnt two highly important things and I still had another 14 hours to go before it was bedtime and I could sleep off the monotony. 

Happiness and joy de vivre. When it’s gone, it’s gone.

Filled with all this astounding knowledge it might have been the perfect night to attend a pub quiz but I don’t think my resolve is yet strong enough to avoid in-your-face temptation. I’m easily led astray.  They say it takes 21 days to get into new habits even though I feel as though I’ve already done a lifetime of poverty and obedience. 

But Let’s Face Facts…

There are many other ways to spend time whilst waiting for your next bowl of homemade, life-giving, Jewish chicken soup. 

Face masks. They come in many varieties: scrub, peel, boiling hot and mud. They are also highly effective at stopping you from opening your mouth to put something in it because you have to keep still. Also, opening the door to people like this scares the crap out of them, leaving me in peace, of an evening, to binge on Netflix, read my books and find interesting things to do with fruit.


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Cucumber water is so last week. Today it’s celery juice, blended with apple juice for the weak of spirit. Going up to a pretentious barista and ordering a ‘cuppa mud’ is a lot like going to the sommelier and demanding the good boxed wine. Or paring your partridge with cheap bear. It’s part of the decline of Western society.

errata: Cheap beer, not a cheap bear. Most of the bears are hibernating now and there’s no way to be sure whether or not they’re cheap.

I think that paring a partridge with a cheap bear could be a master-chef winner, LL!

Water is much better when frozen and added to lime, Cointreau, and tequila.

Wine steps: So I’ve heard that one should protect one’s good wine from light and vibration (and high temperatures and temperature swings, but that’s not relevant here). How shall we best achieve this? I know, let’s put the wine under the treads of the stairs and back-illuminate it! 😉 Now to be fair (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E55t0lnp_8M) age-worthy reds wouldn’t look good in the wine steps anyway.

>homemade, life-giving, Jewish chicken soup
How can you tell if the chicken was Jewish?
– try the veal, and be sure to tip your waiter.

Who knows, Mike, maybe they’ve had it wrong all these years and the many steps of half cut wine snobs travelling up and down those steps will bring a “je ne sais quoi” to the bouquet.

Because he had a beard, wore a black hat and went by the name of Shlomo, which is how I caught him! 😉

Four days in Napa Valley was all it took for me to become a wine expert. I don’t need to know anything else. My knowledge is complete. In only four days! The truth is that no matter which vineyard we visited, the overriding message was; drink what you like. Price and pretense is irrelevant.

My daughters walk around the house masked. It’s unsettling. Once, it was coffee-based. She smelled like a cuppa.

I must go to Napa Valley, I’ve always fancied a wine trip there. Italy and France are done 😉

There’s an extremely evil face mask made from charcoal, or so they profess. It’s akin to being tarred. An inch of your skin comes off with it and you are left looking like a Belisha Beacon.

* I love that word, I’d use it in a coffeehouse conversation……but fear of failure is just so alliterative…

* I could never own wine steps. i’d fear that I’d accidentally walk over broken glass then I’d have to go on tour with Tony Robbins and be in charge of all the firewalks

* my favorite sommelier is Carla from Cheers

* at Berkeley you can only drink chai, there is no water (cos of the pipes, it’s this whole thing…)

* lees: what gets one out of their Lee Jeans

* ironically, the dregs of society prefer beer and coffee, not wine. I know this cos I interviewed them myself, I interviewed myself for the student paper

* oh it all makes sense now! time DOES exist! an hourglass is really a wine carafe!

* I wish I had that facemask when I was a teenager, i’d hide my acne with it. i’d go to school with that mask on and no one would stare at my face


And people might think you’d had way too much caffeine if you used it and make you drink chai.

But not if you have a heart of glass. Then you’d be the fire, said Debbie Harry.

My favourite sommelier is Frasier in his apartment.

The dregs of society here prefer Blue Nun or Black Tower as a chaser.

Wine always puts time at the forefront.

We all wear face masks, my sweet. *)

What an excellent wine post! Of course it reminds me of the selection at my rural Walmart, which I love because Alamo Malbec. I know, that’s some kind of winter wine and Texas doesn’t have winter, such is climate change, but I’m no sommelier, thank God. Why have a dog and bark yourself?
In the meanwhile, we’re trying to build several very needed walls and the French are sensibly destroying speed cameras. Take note, UK!

As you know, LSP, I too fell for the Alamo Malbec at my local Texan Walmart. Mid-priced Malbec always comes through in 90-degree heat.
Why have a dog and be a cat, is today’s most appropriate question. Yes, there are layers hidden in that statement.
Well, we are trying to Brexit with complete and utter non-brexiting chaos. Now there’s a retail slump at Debenhams and Marks and Spencer’s and House of Frasier are shutting shops everywhere. I’d say let’s have a nice cup of tea and a game of tennis but even Andy Murray is feeling the pinch.

I sympathise entirely. When it’s national Ask a Cat a Question Day! we’re all left staring at the dog in wonderment while waiting for an answer. Not easy. Unlike hi-power airguns which are easy and completely useless against speed cameras.

Today is ask a Frenchman a question. Where should we start with that one? 🙂

It’s a tough ol’ life you lead, Jules!
I’ve never understood facemasks (because I’m a bloke). Why spread muck on your face, just to get other muck off?
Wouldn’t something like Swarfega be better?

I know! Thank you for understanding, Masher!
You should try one. You’ll have skin like a baby’s bottom. Pre nappy change. Ewwww.

No, Swarfega is cheap priced grease remover for blokes. Us feminine types need flavoursome and delicate mud-type cleansers that we pay three times as much for. Psychology. 🙂

Dear Ms Smith,
Is it true that the last word that someone with kakorrhaphiophobia would want to encounter in a spelling bee is kakorrhaphiophobia ?
~ Kakocurious

I see what you did there, PPS. You’re clever you are.

But does a person with kakorrhaphiophobia ever do anything?

Also kakurious. 😉

It seems that we both are, so does that make us bi-kakurious ?

No way, Mucker! It makes us awesome 🙂

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