Match.Comedy

October 10, 2013 1:03pm Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 31 Comments

I let myself in the front door of my Mother’s house and went straight to put the kettle on.  I knew she wouldn’t be ready for our junket as she is late for everything.  As I was preparing a nice cup of English tea, I heard her come through to the kitchen behind me.

“Do I look alright?”  She asked.

I didn’t even bother to turn around.  “Yes.”  I mumbled wondering why my Mother had a mug with Elvis that sings on it.  There was no point me even looking at her because she can’t even go across the road to the CO-OP without a full wack of make up, a blow dry and a sillage of L’eau d’issey in her wake. I knew she looked alright. 

“But do I look good enough for a photograph?”  She pushed. 

My curiosity was piqued.  I turned around, Elvis mug in hand and gave her a glance over.

“Yes.. But what do you mean for a photograph?” 

“I’ve joined Match.com.”  She replied.

“WHAT? Are you kidding me?” 

“No.  I thought I’d give it a go. I’ve put a picture on already but I thought I needed a better one.”

“ERRR… Hold on a minute.. You’re on it ALREADY?  You know its full of serial killers, scammers and sexual deviants right?”  

Elvis began to sing “Love Me Tender” at such an inappropriate moment from my mug as I plonked it on the counter.

“No it’s not.  I’ve had lots of nice people wink at me already but apparently you get more winks if you have a really nice picture.”  She grinned showing her beautiful white teeth through her Estee Lauder, rose blush lips.

“Winks?  Are you sure its winks and they haven’t misplaced a vowel? “ 

“Oh Shut Up!”  She admonished. “And take a picture of me please.”

At first I thought this idea was ridiculous and felt I needed to protect her from the realities of the outside world but very soon I realised it would make excellent blog material.  How perceptive I was.

These are the suitors who have been eliminated thus far:

32 x 24 -30 year olds.  Really?  24 year olds can’t find a date in a club or bar?  And they want to date someone who is old enough to be their Mother?

“No.  Scammers or deviants. Get rid.”  I said as we trolled through the winkers.

“What about this one?”  She opened up a profile picture of a reasonable looking guy.  

“He’s an artist!” She said with great enthusiasm.

“ERR ..NO!”  I replied petulantly. “On the premise that you refused to let me take art at school on the basis it ‘wasn’t a proper subject’ despite it being MY THING, I will not be happy about you waxing lyrical over someone else’s modern art and being hypocritical.  That’s the sort of thing that will drive a wedge between the family.  We can’t have that.” 

Whilst we were considering and deleting the candidates she received a message:

“Hey Gorjusssss… Fancy some flirty chat?” 

“Delete.” I said.

“Already done.”  She replied.

And then another:

“ Errr… Don’t really know how to say Hi…. So Hi…LOL”

I looked at her.  She pressed delete.

“This one has a house in Spain!”  She said clicking on a profile.  

“He probably found you via your stolen credit card in Barcelona.  Too risky. In fact he looks very much like the thieving scumbag that helped you with your case at the train station.”  I peered closer to the ipad to get a better look. 

“Hmmmm…” We said in unison as she discarded him.

“To be honest, I think a lot of these people could get bit parts in Criminal minds..”  I carried on scrolling through the list..

“Wait!  He’s gorgeous!”  She pointed out someone who did, in fact, look rather nice.  Very Taylor Lautner.  

After one sentence of his profile paragraph I didn’t like him.  “ For one Mother, If he REALLY looks this good then why isn’t he tripping the night shagtastic and secondly, there is no way he’s that old and looks like that. He’s stolen that picture from Twilight.” 

And so it went on.  Over the last few months she has been having a textual relationship with ‘Dundee Dave’,  a brief liaison with a man called Ralph who was really called Wilf.. Wrilf?  And parted ways with a man who was so nice she nearly killed him.

“He said I was hard work.  I was ever so pleased and took that as a compliment!”  She said proudly.  

“Because you would.”  I said.  “ What exactly have you written about yourself on this site?”  

She showed me her ‘About me’ spec.  Alarming untruths sprang out at me as I read it like “Easy going”and “Calm natured” and “empathetic”. 

“Mother, this is wildly inaccurate and whilst I realise you are trying to come across as generally appealing in your profile synopsis, I think it would be better to write one that is totally realistic to ensure that you snag the right man. I shall write one for you.”  

Here it is:

Blonde, bubbly and very charismatic but about as sensitive and tactful as a doorman on steroids. If you have flaws, she WILL find them.  Highly intelligent and takes no prisoners.  Has a very acerbic wit.   A member of MENSA and will make sure you are aware of this on a regular basis.  If you can’t debate about politics, world affairs or beat her at Trivial Pursuit it’s a non starter.  There isn’t anything she doesn’t know and if she hasn’t experienced it then a friend of a friend has.  I believe she even knows people that have set foot on the moon.  She is the lost Oracle. Expect an argument.  Confrontation fuels her more than compliance.  If you didn’t have a bad temper before she will certainly help you develop one.  Well travelled and intends to see most of the planet before she slips off the dish.  Be prepared for cultural excursions  (which you will be tested on thereafter) and trips on the local wally wagon (tourist train) for which she has a penchant.  Can be an outrageous snob but also gives money to the Big Issue man and feeds old people at Christmas.  Indeed, quite humanitarian to those outside her immediate contact.  Those within it have to suffer whatever ‘mood swing’ is going on that day.  Time keeping is a major issue as she clearly sees punctuality as a virtue of the bored.  Likes to do her own thing and is very independent but when she wants your attention you must be ready.  If you ever buy her a practical gift rather than a romantic one for her birthday or any other special event she is likely to attack you with it. 


If you know any saints, adrenaline junkies or those up for a challenge, let me know. 


31 Comments

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I’ve met her.

Good grief…and you lived to tell the tale? You’re hardcore LL – A hero.

Next time we’re in a hot tub together, look at all the scars on my back — bullet holes.

The problem with those sites is everyone pretends to be looking for a normal relationship when we all know most of us gravitate toward the drama filled parings or else we would already be matched.

Hello Bathwater. How very true.
I don’t believe I spotted any normality on there. Not that I’d be the best person to ask on that subject.

Wrilf? my very first blog post at my place was about Match.com and how their commercials feature only the hottest babes and the hippest hunks who just happen to be drop-dead gorgeous, single, looking, and sane. i still say i should have never started my blog in the first place, i should have simply surrendered to a dating site and hoped for the best. i actually kinda do look like that Twilight dude, though, right, Juli?

Wrilf is a great name innit!
The cake is a LIE Phoenix! You made the right decision on the blog front.
Much better than Taylor Phoenix, he’s a werewolf!

LOL! If your mom really want to find someone online, she totally has to hit social sites that lend to her interests, then troll out the singles. At least, that’s how I’d do it if I was searching–that or I’d join a local club that supports one of my hobbies and search for singles there. I agree with you that Match.com is a magnet for crazies and the strange.

I don’t know if there’s many guys out there who do needlework.
Actually, I think she’d be good at rallying for her local MP or some such thing!

This was very entertaining – interesting and funny! I have on and off, mostly off, been a member of various dating sites during 20 years of being single. I’m still single. This explains why.

Why thank you David 🙂
Stay away from them David, they’re full of nutters!

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My advice to your mother is to marry the first man who agrees to court her in the presence of a chaperone. Ideally, the chaperone would be a gorilla, but I suppose a weight-lifter would do.

Hello Mr Gorilla Bananas.
Ha! I think a gorilla would be a good idea but then who would the suitor be most afraid of?

gawd – hilarious – the line ‘Winks? Are you sure its winks and they haven’t misplaced a vowel’ did make me almost wet meself…

David!

The marketing totally missed that one didn’t they 😉

As in the marketing team…. too early in the morning 🙂 Maybe I should go and work for Match.Comedy

Hahahaha I love the description you wrote for your mother! So funny but I don’t think people are ever that honest about themselves on dating profiles. Good luck to her though. I hope she doesn’t get taken in by weird deviants.

I think she should use it. I reckon this will bring forth the warriors that are needed! 🙂

That description of your mother is slightly worrying: daughters ultimately grow to be the image of their mothers… don’t they?

Image maybe, personality NOT. My family didn’t believe in self esteem so I’m far more compliant and shy. 😉

What have I gotten myself in to? (Wink)

Oh a whole world of madness! Be afraid Dean…

There are some creepers in the online dating world..but there are some nice ones too!

I know… there’s been a few nice ones to be honest. Still… I prefer to err on the side of everyones a psycho!

LOL. Hilarious!
Dating sites can be fun if you’re really all that bored. Some years ago I signed up at a site called plentyoffish.com for a story. All kinds of creeps, lol. But I did end up making a friend. He’s the male version of me.

I bet that was a good story!
I’m glad you got a friend from it though, that’s nice 🙂

I know of several who have met appropriate mates through blogging. Photos and personal description seem a superficial way to meet people; but if you can appreciate their writing, their minds, their humor, their way of communication, and they yours, then something may develop
Perhaps your mother should write.

Hello Goatman 😉
I think through non dating means that you are more likely to find suitable suitors! Like minded individuals! And let’s be honest, you normally meet someone when you are not looking for them.
I think she should become a local MP – more fitting.

I don’t think I’ve ever even met someone in the same time zone through blogging.

Hello Elliot
I don’t think there’s many on my time zone either. About 3 I think!
Thanks for the visit 🙂

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