Mayhem, Meditation and Muppets

Whimsy On A Wednesday

Posted on: 8th Mar, 2017

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Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Sometimes squeezing any whimsy out is impossible. Because sometimes life just sucks like a fun sponge. Challenge after challenge after glorious challenge. Youโ€™ve all been there.

The inspirers

When youโ€™re having this kind of week, the inspirers come out with this kind of thing:

โ€œWhat doesnโ€™t kill you makes you strongerโ€

“Hmmm. No it doesnโ€™t. Actually it makes me weaker, my heart beat faster and causes crappy sleep. Then Iโ€™m tired, more sarcastic and a pain in the arse to be with.”

โ€œWell, difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinationsโ€

โ€œErrโ€ฆno they donโ€™t. Every time Iโ€™ve gone down a dodgy road I end up in Hicksville or the ghetto and wonder if Iโ€™m going to be shot or gang raped.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s metaphorical, Jules.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s stupid. Itโ€™s not helping and can you go and do something useful like run away or get me a prescription that induces a comaโ€

Talking of idiots

Iโ€™m STILL trying to find a way to calm down in moments of crisis by listening to ten minute meditation tracks. Last night I found some Aussie bloke and thought, โ€œthatโ€™ll do.โ€ The man is INSANE. I kid you not. In fact, donโ€™t take my word for it, go to Spotify, type in โ€œSleep Meditationโ€ And choose ‘Guided Sleep Meditation by Jason Stephenson’ and tell me this guy isnโ€™t tripping on LSD. Try not to burst out laughing, especially when he says FORRED instead of forehead, because youโ€™re supposed to be relaxing. Whatevs.

On the subject of dumbasses

Iโ€™ve decided to bring you lowdown news whenever I come across it. Especially when it involves muppets. Welcome to my column.

 

A group of medics from a UK hospital are on a two-day strike, protesting wet nursing sexual deviants.

The small group have set up a local health and safety stall in the middle of a bustling town centre in the hope of educating the public when it comes to what is and isnโ€™t appropriate to shove up your anus.

โ€œPeople are so stupid itโ€™s unbelievable,โ€ said one nurse. โ€œLike we havenโ€™t got enough to do seeing to patients who genuinely need care and attention. We have weekly incidents of some bellend dancing the chocolate cha-cha with an inanimate object and getting it stuck up his bottom and quite frankly, weโ€™ve had enough.โ€

The group have made their own tasteful giveaway leaflets on anal safety which they are handing out to anyone on the street who looks a bit twisted, though these days itโ€™s hard to tell. As one long suffering paramedic told us, โ€œYou get all sorts and sometimes itโ€™s those youโ€™d least expect that take it too far.

Yes, Your Honour

โ€œLast week we had a Judge call us out saying heโ€™d slipped clearing the leaves up on his patio and got a wooden broom handle stuck right up his jacksey. A couple of stern twists, a load of Petroleum Jelly and a few splinters later, we managed to relieve him from his situation. We left with a nice bottle of Courvoisier Imperial and a get out of jail free card should we need one in the future.โ€

Table Display

The weary hospital entourage have made up a table displayed with various โ€˜Objetโ€™s De Arseโ€™ that they have witnessed rammed into butts: vibrators, hoover nozzles, courgettes, suffocated rodents, aerosols and bottles. โ€œSometimes a โ€˜visualโ€™ has a better way of getting through to these weirdo’s,โ€ commented one care worn nurse.

โ€œJust the other day we had a young guy come in with a Corona beer bottle vacuum packed in his rectum,โ€ said a weary looking anaesthetist. โ€œWe had to put him out, ply him with muscle relaxant and ease the item out without it following through like a shook up champagne bottle.”

On waking up in theatre recovery the lad is said to have declared, โ€œI guess that wasnโ€™t the smartest thing to do!โ€

No shit, Sherlock.

Spare a thought for our hardworking British medics and think twice before sticking something stupid up your brown eye.

 

JS

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25 Comments on Mayhem, Meditation and Muppets

T'C

T'C

8th Mar, 2017 15:03

There’s a reality show up there somewhere. Meantime…”Bottoms Up!”
?
– TC x

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

Oh my God, there really is, TC. In more ways than one.

Bottoms up! Salute! x

Reply
LL

LL

8th Mar, 2017 15:03

Was there a display of rodent skeletons? That was big a few years back – the live rodents, except they die eventually up there.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

On X Ray only, LL. Absolutely disgusting. Vermin on both counts.

Reply
Gorilla Bananas

Gorilla Bananas

8th Mar, 2017 18:03

Why can’t these fools just use dildos like the Marquis de Sade? People want everything on the cheap these days. But the medication thing is going to work for you, Jules. You just need the big moment of enlightenment that will make everything serene and whole. Ditch the tapes and look into herbal narcotics from the Amazon rain forest.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

Probably because they aren’t French philosophers in clink and are unable to be ‘Obvious Adam’ about the situation. Maybe it’s about pest control, who knows, Mr. Gorilla Bananas.

Yes, you’re quite right. If I take narcotics I can feel much better and then make my own meditation recording and earn great respect from insomniacs worldwide.

Reply
Exile on Pain Street

Exile on Pain Street

8th Mar, 2017 19:03

In Hicksville or the ghetto or Texas.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

Hahahahahaha! That place near America…

You’re funny. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Masher

Masher

8th Mar, 2017 21:03

I remember an aunt of mine – a nurse in Awstraaaaylia – telling similar stories.
One was of a chap with a light-bulb up his jacksie.
Glass end first!
Jeez!

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

What the hell? What a light bulb moment he had there. What a muppet. I am dumbfounded by the stupidity of people sometimes, Masher, I really am…

Reply
LSP

LSP

8th Mar, 2017 21:03

Nice bit of JuJu.
I just laughed, out loud, which is painful when you’ve had all your teeth pulled.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

Why thank you, LSP. And I’m very sorry to have caused you pain but they do say laughter is the best medicine! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Solaratov

Solaratov

14th Mar, 2017 21:03

Yhe people who say that have obviously never tried Morphine.

Reply
Solaratov

Solaratov

14th Mar, 2017 21:03

The………….
Sorry ’bout that.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

15th Mar, 2017 15:03

Or ever tried Margaritas…

Hope you’re doing OK, Mr Solaratov.

Reply
Solaratov

Solaratov

16th Mar, 2017 05:03

Doin’ all right. Gettin’ better. It’ll be kind of a long fight…but I’ve got time.
Doing a bunch of shooting, too (man-guns…not mouse-guns) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

16th Mar, 2017 09:03

Well I’m happy to hear that.
Ha! I expect you to be using canons and rocket launchers next!

Reply
GruntOfMonteCristo

GruntOfMonteCristo

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

*snork* I know it’s the impacted bum stories that will get the responses, but it’s the ‘inspirer’ tales that cracked me up. Mayhem may be a gift, but it’s also an art!

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 07:03

Well, anal humour always brings an audience for some reason. However, like you Grunt, I marvel at the everyday realities of life.

I think you may be right there! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Hardnox

Hardnox

9th Mar, 2017 14:03

Funny stuff Jules,
I have a friend who is an ER doc and he tells me stories like this all the time. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

9th Mar, 2017 15:03

Hardnox, I’ve heard some that I daren’t even put on here and that’s saying something! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply
Hardnox

Hardnox

10th Mar, 2017 17:03

I hear ya. ๐Ÿ™‚

My friend got quite descriptive after a few beers while the rest of us where rolling on the floor laughing.

Reply
Jules

Jules Smith

11th Mar, 2017 13:03

These stories need to be written down and shared, H. We need to know the debauchery and deviants at play in our cotton wool world. #NameAndShame ;P

Reply
the late phoenix

the late phoenix

9th Mar, 2017 19:03

y’know shrimp on the barbie? i always thought it was a shrimp on top of a Barbie doll, not a barbecue. for many years i thought that’s how Australians were made.

every time i start to doubt Nietzsche i look at that large forehead i mean forred of his…

chocolate cha cha not to be confused with chocolate caca, different levels of kink

my mom the nurse would appreciate this post

Tina Belcher would appreciate this post, lots of butts

objet d’arse, hahahahahahahah

*)

Reply
Jules Smith

Jules Smith

10th Mar, 2017 16:03

It is how Austrailians are made, my sweet, you are very intuitive.

Reason and truth make for big forreds. Never doubt that.

Very different levels of kink. Ask your Mama – no, don’t, she might smack your arse and who knows where that would lead. *)

Reply

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