March 17, 2015 6:34pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 26 Comments


I go to bed tired. I wake up tired. The essence of the thing is that I’m tired.

I’ve tried all and bloody sundry ( because I added bloody there, it stops that sentence being a cliché) Don’t you get tired of rules sometimes? You shouldn’t do this and you shouldn’t do t’other..I get sick of it. Do what you want, I say. If it sounds right, feels right and it’s bare bones honesty (I did it again there, ON PURPOSE) then so what?

Anyway, I’m going off topic; ’cos I’m TIRED.

I’ve tried hot toddies, Kalms, Nytol and fairy dust. All of them swallowed down with another hot toddy or two. I’ve donned my bed with sheets washed in April freshness and sprayed my pillows with lavender and chloroform. I’ve listened to jungle music, but the monkeys scared me. I once tried operatic whales but they were spooky and I had nightmares about ghouls. There’s been milky drinks, aromatherapy eye masks, lengthy, detailed books in small print and I’ve even put my super sonic fan on in winter just to make white noise.

It’s bloody freezing.

Then I found this clock on Amazon. I tried to smile but my cheeks have been sagging  due to the weight laden bags under my eyes so it was difficult, but I felt a touch of glee ripple through me somewhere. Could have been the toxins but I felt it.

A sleep therapy clock. Designed to aid deep, peaceful slumber: Equipped with pretty mood enhancing colours and over a hundred nature sounds. Bliss. I simply HAD to have it.

I put it in my virtual basket and had it on next day delivery. I felt all the yawns inside me fighting to expel at the very thought.

The day came. The sheets were laid. The bedroom temperature was set at the perfect 18.5 degrees C. The Whittards hot chocolate even came out of the ‘special’ cupboard.

Later in the day, the Amazon bloke chucked a big brown box into my porch. Like they do. I opened it up, removing the brown paper on top. Underneath was a grey, cellophane bag containing my item.

“That feels a bit flat,” I said, as I fingered it.

“And what’s that lumpy, stick type thing?” I asked myself.

I ripped open the plastic which refused to tear but just elongated into thinner plastic. Nothing is ever straight forward is it? Not even package opening.

I finally got inside and this is what I found.


That’s right. A gavel.

I stared at it for a few seconds and then went through that “is it me?” scenario where you check it’s the right address on the box with YOUR actual name on it and then you go back into the package to make sure you haven’t missed anything. I mean, this could just be a bonus prize or something. Maybe this was needed to stop the clock when it pissed you off.


That was all. Just a gavel.

I’m sure this kind of shit only happens to me.

I went on line to see that Amazon had sent me an email stating that they had successfully delivered my sleep therapy clock and did I have any feedback.

Oh yes.

“Hello Amazon. You haven’t delivered my clock but instead a gavel. A judges hammer. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am aware that both items can give time but really, it was the clock I was after. I’ve shaken the hammer but no birdsong comes out of it and whilst it’s a lovely shade of walnut, it’s not the kind of mood therapy colour I had in mind. I’ve considered knocking myself out with it as that is a remedy I haven’t tried yet but at the moment I’m more inclined to do that to you. Since I’m the one with the gavel I think the Universe has delivered just what I needed and that I sit in rule. Move over Judge Judy, Judge Jules is in the house. No prisoners. Can’t wait to ‘Hear, Hear’ your explanation on my ‘ORDER! ORDER!’

I was so upset.

Kept me awake all night.


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Now that is ridiculous. I’ve never had anything quite that far off the mark delivered to me. How dare them judge your insomnia?! xx

I know! Ridiculous and beyond! Yes, how dare they Tracy! 🙂

I have just laughed my tete off cakes xx

LMTO! I love being multi linguistic 🙂

They prob sent the gavel to knock it on their head. Judge Julie your account made me laugh out loud – your fab xxxx try Valeria

Jenni 🙂
Judge Jules rules. See, it even sounds good. I think I’ve just found my new career from the universe. I need a BIGGER gavel though. This one is just for practising. 🙂

Well, that’s just daft, isn’t it? But, now you’ve got one, what are you going to do with it? I reckon you should order the wig and gown too.

Just for weekends.

They want me to send it back. Yeah. In my own time AND pay for postage up front, even though IT”S ALL THEIR FAULT.

If I don’t, they won’t refund me for the clock which they can’t send me as it is no longer in stock.

I guess you can now imagine exactly what I’m going to do with it, Masher! 🙂

A wig. Now there’s an idea…

I think that this stuff only happens to you precisely because you don’t obey the rules — thus the karmic gavel ;^)

Now it’s official and you can officially sanction whatever you do with a rap of the gavel.

And when you get your sleep clock, you can rest up for the next adventure (made legal by the gavel).

Ahhh…the karmic gavel. Yes, that makes sense, Larry.

Oh I do like that idea of being completely in charge to sanction all. I get the feeling that I might get a tad carried away.

Clock is out of stock. Need to find another but I have trust issues now…

It’s OK to get carried away. Only people with imaginations can do that. There are so many who are imagination-deficient. It’s not as though they can take a vitamin to fix it.

That utterly bloody outrageous, Jules. I hope the clock works for you (when it arrives), but if it doesn’t you could try listening to a lullaby. If you were in the jungle, I would sing this song to you.

Utterly bloody outrageous indeed, Mr. Gorilla Bananas!

You can’t rely on anything anymore except for gorillas singing hypnotic, Jungle Book songs. I’m coming to the jungle…prepare the female gorilla milk and banana sarnies!

I use hot milk and honey. Delicious and effective. If that doesn’t work, I abuse myself. Just as effective. You’re welcome. No charge.

Yeah, I tried milky drinks. Delicious yes, effective no.

You abuse yourself? Maybe I could get Channing Tatum to abuse me. That might do the trick.

i know we all have fun with the Loomynarty Confirmed stuff, but Judge Judy has 75% of the world’s wealth in her possession. underneath that robe is a bikini, she swims in her coins like Scrooge McDuck.

when i was young, i slept soundly, waking up only for an hour of school. now that i am constantly frazzled with busywork i sleep from collapse and exhaustion. although playing the glass harmonica at night helps, too, i play “Freebird” on the glasses and then i drink the glasses filled with different tones of malt liquor. and of course i play the bongos naked *)

So you’re saying if I moved into her position I could have 75% of the worlds wealth? I’m in.

Playing the bongos naked is one I haven’t tried. Just need a set of bongos. Now then, what would I have to order from Amazon to receive a set of bongos? *)

wow. i’m sorry you’re having trouble sleeping and for having got that gavel!
there are many remedies/ aid that could work depending on individuals. have you tried essential oils ? it’s very personal and individual. eucalyptus seem to work for me. a drop on each wrist before i go to bed. it calms me down. lavender is good for most people but it hasn’t worked for me.

Yeah got lavender, Jaya. Not tried eucalyptus unless I’m poorly. I will try it. This is why you have to adopt me. 🙂

“Don’t you get tired of rules sometimes?”

Rules suck… I’m becoming somewhat of an anarchist in my old age… Bah! Humbug!!

“…but the monkeys scared me.”

Monkeys scare the fuk outta me… ‘specially those flying fukkers…

Now… having read all of this, maybe the Universe was telling you what you really needed to sleep… and that was just a rap upside the head a few times… you would no longer need any sleep aids… 😉


I love to find ways to circumvent the rules, Shoes!

You’re right. I think the only answer is to knock myself out good and proper. I think I might try and play judge, jury and executioner first cos that’s a stress reliever, right?

Ahhhh the injustice


I know what you mean. I’m tired of being tired 24/7. It sort of cramps my style.

Do I get tired of rules… sometimes? If I could blowtorch rules, you know I would set them all on fire, and then some. Rules are made to suppress the powerless and Bora Bora fetishists alike. I’m going off topic, too. So what?

How’s life?

Tax is not a good invention, right?

You were saying….

Tell those monkeys to brush their teeth and go to bed or else the biggest monkey is going to pay them a visit. And he is blue, so be warned.

You were saying…

“Pretty mood enhancing colours”? No way. Way? I sometimes see beautiful women and I just gotta have them. So you see, I do relate. Also, chucking brown boxes into porches is rude. Tell that Amazon bloke about the big blue monkey.

A gavel? As in Judge Juliette presiding? Well, it sounds kinda sexy, or so professor Red Shoes who is nowhere to be found. I could use a gavel. Guess why.


How’s life? It’s very long when you aren’t sleeping.

Tax is never a good idea though Benjamin Franklin would disagree. I think all the tax we pay should go into a special holiday fund so we can sate our Bora Bora fetish.

I told the monkeys. They flew away with the Amazon man and scared the crap out of Shoes.
Way. And if one is to tempt us with enhancing beauty it would be rude not to give in.

Yes. Judge Juliette is passing sentence cos she’s right honourable. GUILTY!
I think you need a gavel to bonk (no pun intended) your noisy neighbours on their bonces! If you need it I will post it to you. Maybe the gavel could travel the globe, passing sentence on those we deem fit.

[…] once made me pay some Prime membership that I never asked for. *They once sent me a gavel (oh yes, it’s true) instead of sending me a  Zen singing alarm clock. *They delivered a whole pile of my books to the […]

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