My Dad

March 24, 2015 8:09pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 38 Comments

My Dad

I feel distraught.

This morning, about 7.45am I turned on my mobile phone as I made myself a coffee in the kitchen, dressed in my fluffy white dressing gown. I was just about to get ready to meet my friend for breakfast and some early morning writing.

My phone beeped. I had two voicemail messages from an unknown number left at 1 am.

“Hi Juliette, can you call me back, it’s urgent.”

I hate messages like that. You know that they’re not going to say, “Hey! Guess what? You’ve won a million pounds!”

I called the number back.

“What’s wrong? Is everything alright?” I asked the woman.

“No. No it isn’t. Are you sitting down?”

“No.” I said, “I’m going to now. OK, I’m sitting down. What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry…but…your Father hung himself last night.”

She may as well have taken a giant javelin and rammed it through my being.

“No…NO he didn’t. Don’t be stupid. That can’t be true. I was just talking to him the other day. I was coming to London next week to see him.. We’d planned a big trip round all the sights and everything. What the fuck? Why would he do that…why,why WHY?

All I can remember after that is sobbing; asking again and again out loud, “WHY?”

A couple of days ago when I was talking to him on the phone about my visit, he sounded a bit off key. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m feeling a bit pffff…” I tried to cheer him up ‘cos he often said stuff like that. I didn’t know he was that depressed. He didn’t tell me. Instead he fucking hung himself. If only I’d gone to visit him sooner, if only I’d noticed, if only I’d made more time to recognise the despair that I missed.

I couldn’t get my head around my Dad taking his life in such a horrible way. He was a strong man. Opinionated. Intelligent. A master historian with a biting wit. He wouldn’t do this.

I didn’t know my Dad was this lonely and I hate myself.

I came straight down to London. It freaked me out to see his car parked outside his Victorian house. I could smell him as soon as I walked in.

The fucking iron he hung himself with was still there. Jesus. I looked for the tell tale evidence on the bannister and wanted to scream. I have been through so many emotions today it is madness. I’m currently flipping between anger and grief. I have no tolerance for anything. I can’t even get past a 3 minute conversation. I don’t want people to hug me or touch me. I don’t know how to deal with this except to write about it because that’s what I do.  That’s how I express myself.

I’m currently sitting in his house where I shall remain for some time. I can see his slippers. His bookshelves are full of books on war. His shirt and coat are hanging on the door handle. There’s a pair of brogues near the front door. His toothbrush is in a cup in the bathroom. There is evidence of normality all around yet I’m the farthest from normality I’ve ever felt. Something has changed inside me and it feels nasty.

I don’t want sympathy or attention. I want everyone to go away. I want people to read this and understand that I am needing to deal with this on my own. I just want to go back a few days and tell my Dad that I love him and I’m sorry. Then I want to smack him round the head and say “Don’t you dare do that to me again.”

38 Comments

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Dearest Jules…

Oh My God…

I just wish I could hug you right now…

All I can say is that I do understand…

Trust me…

Oh my…

~shoes~

Thanks Shoes. Virtual hug accepted xx

Oh man, Jules, this is… I’m so sorry to hear this, your dad, for crissakes, so sorry for this radical loss. And followed by the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s, those bloody if-only’s, this is the thing, the unavoidable thing. Stay with it, ride it out, dear Jules, maybe in his things…maybe feel what he has to tell you… I looked for my dad in everything, mostly in any crow that flew cross my path when running, every day feeling that it was just one crow: him, watching me, making sure I was going to be OK…
Holding you tight in my thoughts,
Miss A

Two white doves keep landing on my Dad’s house. I don’t normally believe in anything whatsoever, being the cynic I am (My Fathers gift to me) but who knows, eh? Thank you for holding me tight – That’s nice xx

Jules I am so sorry and am sending you big hugs – it’s such a shock and terrible loss . Ring me anytime if you need to talk xxxxxxxxx

Thank you my lovely, I’ll call you when I’m back x

Terrible and very sad. I’m so sorry to read this.
You may not want any sympathy, Jules, but trust me, it’ll be pouring your way in bucket loads.
xx

And it has. I’m seeing a lovely side of human nature. Thank you, Masher xx

This is terrible news. I’m so sorry. I wish there were something I could do besides lame I’m-sorrys from thousands of miles away. Don’t start with “If only I’d…”. It has nothing to do with you and it’s certainly not your fault. All good wishes to you. There are support groups out there. Get hooked up.

Found my solace in my Fathers drink cabinet. Couldn’t find it in the bottle of milk 😉

I know, I know. I think will have to talk to someone because I’m unable to switch off my searching brain. Thanks for everything. xx

my darling Jules, I am so sorry for your loss. I am always by your side, email me anytime anytime about anything you want to talk about, I’m always here for you *)

And that’s all I need. Thank you my sweet *) xx

i am so very sorry to hear this, Jules. you know where i am if you ever need to talk. xx

Thanks Jaya, so kind. xx

Darlng Juliette sendng “So very Sorry” Hugs to you and your Mum XX. Dawn & Harry

Thank you Dawn. Glad to hear of your good news – that made me smile 🙂 xx

Terrible news, and massive hugs from me. I’m here if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever…

xxx

He fucking hung himself… Damn, Jules. I’m so sorry. I know you’re tough and you want to be left alone, but I still want to hold you. I know Az does too. Sigh.

Thank you, Blue. That’s so nice to hear. I could do with them today. xx

Thanks Az, you’re a gem. xx

no words, juju. No. Words.

And no answers….

*Deep sighs*

Thank you xx

My best friend committed suicide six weeks ago. I loved him dearly. Journaling has helped me and continues to help me. Before I even read ur blog today, I reread every journal entry from February 11th, 2015 to yesterday. It will help u. It will. Faith, family and friends was what kept me from dissolving. I am very sorry. Noone understands the pain, sadness and not understanding why it happened. Please do not blame yourself. There was nothing u could have done. Please believe me when I tell u that. Will be thinking of u. This will be the absolutely hardest and saddest times in ur life. And it will forever change u. I’m am so sorry. StormyDawn

Nice to meet you, stormyDawn, even though under less jovial circumstances.

It’s good to hear from someone experiencing a similar tragedy; makes you feel less isolated. I’m not good at death at the best of times but when it is so violent and unanswered it’s a crusher. I haven’t written since this because I’ve been somewhere between lost and trying to sort out his affairs all day every day. I feel like I’m in a fog; a soup. It’s surreal. I don’t like it, not one bit. However, I am continuing with the April challenge. Wasn’t going to but I have to distract myself.

Thank you for talking to me xx

I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences. 🙁

Thank you, Dee. Much appreciated. xx

I’ve waited to reach out. But I offer sincere condolences and love.

Larry, thank you…:) You have such respect and kindness. xx

So very very sorry!

Thank you, Brighid. xx

What can one say? I’ll take you at your word, but to say my thoughts are with you. Jim O

Thank you, Jim. Means a lot xx

*huggles*

~shoes~

Thank you, my lovely Shoes. So sweet and thoughtful. xx

Agh, my heart sinks for you. NO ONE should have to go through what you are going through. What hell. I hope writing it out (or something — ANYTHING) brings you a little relief as you go through this…
Love from Texas.

I agree, Jenny. It is the nastiest, vilest feeling I have ever experienced. I will come out of it because I’m tough but it will change me forever.

Love back from England xx

Sorry to hear of your loss, my dad didn’t commit suicide in the usual way, he did it through drink, he drank himself to death, I believe that he was probably depressed too. I felt all of the emotions that you describe, I have never forgiven him and the anger never subsided, it made me bitter and angry.
Don’t let that happen to you, it becomes all consuming and changes you forever.

Thanks Richard 🙂 Yeah, that’s the danger -not getting rid of the anger and trying to have answers when you can’t. Sends you brain crazy.

I think it will definitely change me forever, I can feel it inside and in a way that’s very different to normal deaths.

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