National Love Your Pet Day

February 20, 2019 4:31pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

 

Picture of a Uromastyx on a film set

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

If you want a pet then get a gerbil. Or a cat. Even a zebra. Because having a lizard is a lot more complicated than it might seem. Especially if you own one that is the future guardian of the planet. There’s a lot of stress that comes with that level of responsibility.

Loving Your Pet

Uromastyx lizard

If anyone should win an award for this day then it’s me. On Friday night when everybody else was out revelling, I sat in front of my laptop on lizard forums. For hours.

Why?

Because I need to get a life. I used to have one before Kevin.

Thing is, Kevin, I noticed, hadn’t had a poo for a month. At first, I thought this was because of brumation which is a bit like hibernating but not. A better word might be lazy. He will sleep for four days and maybe come out for one.  A lot more lethargy is at play during the winter months. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he can’t even be arsed to do that, and will just stick his head out of his cave for twenty minutes and then sod off back to bed. We are currently working on his social skills.  

A lizard like godzilla

I noticed his tummy getting fatter and very firm and figured that this wasn’t right. But what do I know?  Despite reading a book on his kind, I’m new to this lizard game. He could be dehydrated, right?  But how do you bloody well deal with that when my type of lizard doesn’t drink water?!  Seriously. When I first heard this fact I had to go and triple check because what kind of animal doesn’t drink?  

Kevins’ get their water from their leafy green food.  Water can kill them and cause respiratory failure. Dear. God. Honestly, it’s such a complex never-ending labyrinth of husbandry that you need a degree in Lizzy Lingo. 

Lizard Needs To Lose His Lunch

Lizard post apocalyptic

I eventually found out that a lizard not defecating after a week is very serious. A lot of them die from impaction.  

Kevin cannot die. 

Not only do I take animal welfare very seriously, but I also love that little lizard. 

Taking him to the vet wasn’t really an option because not many vets deal with exotic pets. Maybe if you had a snake or a bearded dragon you might be OK but there aren’t many that deal with the rare and complicated Uromastyx. Course not. Besides, how is a vet going to make a lizard take a dump? 

I spent hours talking to various breeders, exotic pet specialists, and vets via the chat function on “I own a crazy pet” sites and the conclusion was this:

Change his sandy floor for birdseed ( no sunflower or oil seeds – sigh) because sand, even though he’s from the desert and that’s what they tell you to use, causes impaction if digested.  And bath him.

Bath. Him. 

A Crash Course In Lizardry

Lizard in front of a building

Have you ever bathed a lizard? Not that kind…

I hardly slept the night before worrying myself sick and got up several hours before the pet shop opened. By 9.22 am I had been to several shops because of, don’t even get me started, the many variations of sodding bird seed.  

And, how stupidly expensive it is if it’s to look like a shale beach in Kevin’s Kingdom!

Then a suitable Tupperware container was found and filled with warm water (hand hot – very specific)  ready to bath him.

For starters, I had to wake him up. He really doesn’t take kindly to that and if a Uromastyx tail sideswipes you, you bleed. I had his tub ready on my office table with an infrared heat lamp above it because the temperature is key. I used to have a normal lamp like regular people. One with an everyday 60-watt bulb in for reading, but not anymore. Kevin is a life changer. 

Kevin wasn’t impressed about having a bath and instantly tried to drown himself by sticking his head under water. That’s really useful considering the Uromastyx water issue. For the love of God.

Then he kept trying to leap out. A suicidal- drowning- frantic- leaping lizard.  I can’t begin to tell you how insanely difficult this exercise was.  

“Gently rub your lizard’s flanks as you bathe him in warm water for at least half an hour” quoted somebody who has never, EVER bathed a lizard. 

Kevin then went into his carrying box under heat whilst his vivarium sand got removed and replaced with bird seed. Once all good and ready, I moved him to his basking spot in his house because, despite all this effort, nothing had happened. 

And what did he do? He began to eat his floor.  Brilliant. It’s a bit like changing a kids bedroom carpet for Skittles. The last thing I wanted him to do was to eat even more food in a big fat belly with no room. 

The Kingdom is Saved

Uromastyx on a film set with fire

And then… 

I’ve never seen anything like it. I kid you not. 

Kevin gave birth to a shit the size of a baby lizard. How he didn’t rip himself in half I’ll never know. 

But I did it. I saved Kevin. And you can all rest easy. 

Mother of Dragon

24 Comments

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Wow… you should tell the Queen about your Florence Nightingale abilities. Theirs gotta be a medal or even a castle in it for you, maybe even a title or a small island somewhere within the Empire.

Good for you. Now Kevin can grow up and destroy Tokyo.

🙂

Right? Exactly, Nox! Can you write a missive to Lizzie and tell her I should be knighted? I’ve heard it said that all the Royals are actually shape-shifting lizards, wasn’t that a conspiracy theory by David Icke? If he’s right, then Her Maj will be very proud of me for saving one of her own and I might get a palace or something. It’s worth a try.

Yes. Your future is, for the moment, rosy scaled! 😉

You’re 1 lucky lizard Kevlaaa!
Auntie Hazel knows nasty drugs to make you 💩!

He really is. Haha! Now, why didn’t I think of that? You will be on emergency lizard dial in the future! 🙂

* you are the REAL Daenerys Targaryen. btw, Daenerys Targaryen proves you don’t have to have an easy-to-remember-or-spell name to be successful on television

* I love that setup you have for Kevin. very Nero-Era Rome

* cats are lovable and adorable but they all eventually go into space to rule Earth from above. every cat becomes a Space Cat.

* brumation: I told my doctor I slept all day and did nothing and he called me a brum and told me to get off my lazy ass

* Kevin was expecting his milk bath as is customary for royalty. btw that’s how you get James Woods to do anything for you, leave out a trail of Skittles for him to pick up

* vivarium: that’s what I called my bed to my doctor, I told him I was conducting very important scientific experiments in my bed. all under the sheets.

* I feel ya, Kevin, I once spent the entire day on the toilet…actually that was today…

*)

Yes, yes I am, my sweet. Her dragons are fake. So is her name. Not me, oh no. No siree, I am the real deal. Real dragon, real name. Kosher. I might not be flying around the world breathing fire (well, some may argue that’s exactly what I do) yet, but it’s coming.

Kevin has many toys – buildings, skulls, hammocks – all the things you’d get in a desert. It’s all about agility training and being able to pose on the red carpet when the time comes.

The Egyptians knew about cat power and they also came up with the first emojis. Always pay attention to that which came before you.

I’d love to brumate but I’m too afraid of missing out. As I type this, Kevin has just stuck his head out of his cave but still half asleep. Bless him, he’s only been kipping for 19 hours. *)

Julesy Dear
Are you quite certain that Kevin’s “shit the size of a baby lizard” was in fact…not ?
Have you had Kevin ( or Kevina ) sexed ?

Curiously Yours,
~PPS

Terry dearest,

I was kind of hoping it was a new lizard instead because then I could start building my army, but no. However, it was the size of a Jurassic egg.
It’s very difficult to sex a liz-loz until they’re a bit older and even then, it’s hard. I know what to look for but haven’t even tried yet as the K’ster is just a baby. The bloke told me it’s a male but blokes tell you anything. 😉

Yours, Julesy x

I managed to stop myself last week telling you it was a stile not a style that you climbed over because I know you’d have just told me to go get a life or something, but I just can’t let Jurrasic go – its Jurassic (as in Park) no excuse for that one really!

Our tortoise has to be bathed before she’ll drop a load btw

Rick Lowe! You better not EVER make a mistake or I’m gonna ‘ave ya!

Actually, the thing I climbed over was a style because it was painted with urban art. I wrote Jurassic… I don’t know what you’re on about! You better be bringing me some Jaffa Cakes to make up for this showdown! 😉

I didn’t know you owned a tortoise. What have you called her? Bathing a tortoise is easy – they only move one inch an hour.

Lizards are high maintenance?
Who’d a thought it?

Clearly, not me.

Her name is Clover and she is only young and believe me, she can bomb around. She chases the rabbit anyway. Having said that she is very easy to bath, we just leave her in a washing up bowl for a while.

Pssst…Julesy….I think ‘Rick’ misspelled “bathe”. Go get ’em !

~Anonymous

Leave her in a washing up bowl?!! Dear God! Still, Clover has a house, lizards don’t.
Anyway, where are my Jaffa Cakes?!

You spelt bathe wrong, just sayin’ 😉

I just did, Terrykins!
Thing is though, Rick has been very good to me over the years. He taught me to drive, even though I crashed his car he still let me carry on. He used to buy me loads of chocolate and Jaffa cakes. I used to break into his house with my mate when he wasn’t there and eat his food. Once, I even took all his shoes out of the cupboard and put them out like they were all walking up his stairs! He once wrote a brilliant poem about what a nightmare my friend and I were – I must find it!
Honestly, it’s a miracle he still even talks to me! Still, I had him on bath/bathe. You don’t go pulling me up on spelling! I mean, it’s not like I’m a writer or anything. Tch! 😉

I would simply refer you to Jules text above ‘And bath him’ it says. I rest my case. And we don’t put washing up liquid or anything in the bowl btw, just warm water.
Have you tried Lidl Jaffa Cakes Jules? I reckon they are better than the originals, will drop a sample round.

Yeah burt eye Karnt spel!

You can bath/e my liz-loz.

I am prepared to give these imposter Jaffa’s a try! 😉

Rick…after just reading all of the wrong-doings Julesy has perpetuated upon you, I declare myself on your side.
I shall NEVER rat you out again !

To be fair, she didn’t crash the car, some Muppet rear ended us.

Vindicated! My halo glows once more!

Well, well, well, look at this little friendship formulating now we’ve found a common denominator to persecute! There’s only one side on this here blog and it’s mine. Think on! 😉

Please forgive me Dear Julesy. I lost my head for a brief moment and strayed away from you with my loyalties.
And, now that Rick is trying to suck back up to you, I ask you for the same consideration.
I shall NEVER betray you again. Scout’s Honor.

Good, that’s my PPS, because you know what happens to naughty Scouts… 😉

I can only fantasize 😉

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