Oh My Days….

November 25, 2014 1:02pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 38 Comments



Out Of Order

You know when you’re having one of those days….well today, I’m having one and it is only half eleven in the morning.

It started at eight am when I leapt out of bed, tired, late and with that dizzy, nauseous feeling.

Outside the first frost of our mild winter had landed. Big coat weather had suddenly arrived.   The car was covered in icy white patterns so off I trotted outside to start her up and get her going a bit before I commenced with the scraping.  Now as it happens, I got a free ice scraper from Halfords the other day from O2 Priority moments.  Seems spending a shed load of money with your mobile contractor lets you have the occasional free gift throughout December.  How fortuitous.  Problem was, when I went to open my little pap-pap it refused.  My car is one of those where windows have to release a smidge before the door opens.  Problemo numero uno: Windows are FRIKKIN frozen shut.  Brilliant, just brilliant. I had no de-icer and I didn’t think using hot water from the kettle would be a good move.  Instead I started to kick the door.  At least I was able to release angst.  The person I was kindly giving a lift to stood there looking at me with disdain.

“I’m going to be late.”  They said.

“SOS…as powerful as I am I have no control over the weather, love.”  I replied.

Eventually I got into the car, put the blower on max heat onto my windscreen and gave it a few revs.  I located my new scraper gift and began to scrape….yeah.  Now I know why it was free.  Because it was crap.  I’d have had better results from licking the windscreen.  The late person in my car continued to stare at me with frustration and I wondered how easily said scraper would fit up their arse.

Eventually, I managed to create enough space to see out of the window.

“I need something from the boot of your car..”  They said, the minute I’d got seated.


“It’s essential.”

“Of course it is.”  I got out and went to the boot.  My boot is opened by pressing a button. There is no other way except for another button in the car.  Buttons are completely and utterly pointless when boot is frozen shut.

“It’s not working.”  I declared as I got back in the seat.

“OMG!!!”  They yelled, helpfully.

I drove like Lewis Hamilton in a bad mood to the drop off point hoping the car would warm up and the boot would release. No.  Wasn’t having it.  Instead I managed to set off some sort of wailing alarm that I’d never heard before in the inside of my car that wasn’t mixing well with the dulcet tones of Sam Smith on the radio.

They, slammed their door shut and walked off without a goodbye, thank you or kiss your arse.

Anyway, my next mission was en route to the Doctors to get some valium.  On my way, down the busy High Road I noticed an old woman dressed completely in red, standing on the white lines in the middle of the road.  I wondered if it was a spoof Santa at first, what with the red get up but then noticed it was an old woman just hanging about.  I was curious  as to what the hell she was doing and then I was worried incase she had dementia and then I nearly broke my neck having to do an emergency stop before killing the cyclist in front of me.  At this point I wouldn’t have minded knocking this blighter off his bike cos he was one of those cyclists that have ZERO regard for other vehicles and weave in and out of traffic in their neon spandex like no one else matters.  However, I didn’t really want to kill someone just before Christmas.  On the plus side, the jolt of my severe braking released the boot and up it sprang, mid busy road, spewing out some of the tat I’d bought the day before on my Christmas present, shopping jaunt. Great.

Neither the cyclist or the granny in red saw fit to help me retrieve any of it.

I got to the Doctors 5 minutes before my appointment.  At my Doctors there is a screen where you have to register to say you are here along with numerous other multi choice, irrelevant questions.  I don’t particularly like touching it since everyone who has, is virally infected.  I hate it even more when after going through the whole rigmarole it comes up with a line of text saying “We were unable to register you at this time, please go to reception”  Sigh.

I waited at reception until one of the three women had left it long enough to gain superiority over me before acknowledging my presence.

“I have an appointment at eleven.”  I said to her busy face.

She scanned the screen.  Sighed a bit.  Tutted and then sniffed.  “Your appointment was an hour ago, at ten not eleven.”

“But my iphone says eleven…”  I checked my calendar.  I made a mental note to give Siri a bollocking when I left. “Oh, sorry…don’t know how that happened.  Well is there any chance of just bagging a prescription?”

“No.  You have to see the Doctor.”

“What about being sectioned?  Could you get me into some kind of institute over the Christmas period?  I think I need a break!”  I smiled.

Doctors receptionists have about as much personality as Eric the dead rainbow fish on a mongers ice chill.

“I’ve booked you in for ten minutes to ten, tomorrow.” She said stony faced, “Don’t be late.”

“I think you should go to Anne Summers and get a rampant rabbit.” I replied in my head. That’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t.  I smiled politely and wondered if I could get another useless scraper from Halfords.

Back home, I retrieved what goodies were left from the boot of my car and took them inside.  As I was going through them, my Mother rang.  She has excellent timing like that.

“So how is everything?’

“Well, I’m a bit pissed off as it happens, “  I told her the sequence of events, “ And I’ve lost one of the Christmas cards I bought when my boot flew open.  It was my favourite one.  It had a picture of Jesus on with the caption “It’s all about me”

“Who were you going to send that to?”  My Mother queried.

“I dunno.  Ideally someone religious.”

“You can’t do that!”  She admonished.

“Why not? It is all about him, isn’t it? How could that possibly offend anyone?” I replied drily.

“I think you should go for a lie down.”  My Mother suggested.

I think she’s right (for once)





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Ha! Sounds like one heck of a day so far. And yes, you deserve the rest of the day off.

I’ve ALWAYS listened to you, Azra. You are like my own personal Dalai. I’m off to kip! I’ll probably have a colossal nightmare, fall out of bed and break something. Except for the will to live, lost that with the sodding Christmas card!

Kip… I love that word. How’s life been treating you, Jules? That’s code for I miss you.

I love that word too Grumpy. I also like doing that word. In fact I’d like to kip until January 5th! Awww thank you…miss you too. hugs x

That bad, huh? 🙁

Plus I still miss you. Merry belated X-mas, Jules.

I miss you MORE! It was a blue Christmas, without you 🙂

Yes. That bad…

The doctor’s receptionist was the worst – you can’t blame the car because it’s just a machine. You should have said to her, “Never mind the doctor because you can heal me yourself. Just bend over facing the wall so I can kick your arse.”

And that’s exactly what I did Mr. Gorilla Bananas, when I returned the very next day. It’s a new strain of foot and mouth.

(1) I love the Christmas Card. I will search for them on-line. You’re right, it’s perfect for a religious person.

(2) You need to buy a BIG AMERICAN TRUCK (lorry) with self-heating stuff on it, and big tires with nobby tread so that if the little Brit cars get in your way in the cold, you can simply honk your loud obnoxious train horn, throw it into four-wheel drive and roll OVER them to get to your appointment.

(3) Siri lies. I tried to get advice on where to bury a dead body and she led me astray. Thankfully, I had a plan in place and was just testing her.

It’s a bloody great Crimbo card! I’ve got myself a mini digger at the moment but an all American, honking truck with weapons would be much, much better!

Where I live, Siri is a bloke. I call him Sir I. (except when I’m giving him a bollocking)

A bloke? That’s so wrong.

It’s not because he’s so much easier to manipulate even though he’s a robot. 🙂

I just smiled the whole way through this, because some days are like that. Especially while raising kids, there have been some days where my hubby came home from work, took one look at me, then packed up the littles in the car and left me to a few blissful hours of quiet. Reading back over some of those days in my journal make me chuckle now.

Unleashing the Dreamworld

I think your hubby should take a long swim over here and sort my life out – now that would be an amazing, random act of kindness since the psycho wine killer has gone AWOL!

I thought you were going to wind this up with a rollicking blast of good news. You had a good hair day or found a bag of weed in your boot. (Ha. Boot. That’s a trunk.) I guess you’re saving that for part two.

Nope. The very next day, some blonde bint hit my parked car. It was difficult for her to notice me, she said…clearly the neon, electric metallic blue colour of my car blended beautifully with the grey pavement.

Mother said there’d be days like this. my mother is Ann Summers. growing up, my friends and i would differ on what a rabbit was. and a bunny. i want to join Sam Smith’s culture club. mah dahlin, this is a crazy week for me with the holiday, strange people are in my room, they say they’re related but i’ve never seen them before. i’m scared…*)

Mother Ann was right. That’s why she invented toys and dress up role play. Even Sam Smith partakes!

Don’t worry my sweet Phoenix, just observe the strangers and make notes about them in the green notebook *)

Ideally, that particular cyclist would have received that particular Christmas card. Happy motoring, my friend.

Yeah, quite. I don’t think Santa will bring him a new bike for Christmas since he can’t ride his present one. 🙂

Like Crystal, I too smiled as I read this.
It was just good to read of someone else having a bad day instead of me.
I’m nice like that.

You’re all bloody heart you are. It’s what I love most about you masher taters! 🙂

Dang…crappy day…LOL
bright spot: http://www.kissmekwik.co.uk/products/834-its-all-about-me.aspx
ordering for a certain Texan

Hello again Brighid! Thanks for coming again. I like it when people come again ;P

Yep a crappy day. Win.

I shall visit you soon when I have collected my valium and washed it down with a nice cup of tea. Give me a minute, I’m all over the shop at the moment. 🙂

What a day Jules! Woman at the doc sounds like a pain in the ass for real. Glad you got your valium situation sorted out. 🙂

Hey Tracy 🙂 Need a few bottles more…it goes well with the egg nog!

Love your work. You’re the best!

Who am I to argue?! 😉

You started to kick the door? Poor little car-car! I bet your passenger thought you had control over the weather. That’s a complement, you know. I have to be honest, Jules, I would’ve thought your dazzzzzling presence would make any car melt. Well, I don’t mean the car (that would be worth taking a pic!)… the sno, of course. Hello, good morning, Blue. Dare I ask when you had better results from licking the windscreen? I should put that on my to do list.

No thank you? Next time, let them walk. Or ski.

It’s all about him, but we get to open the presents. Feeling better now? 🙂

I always feel better after your visit 🙂
I would advise against windscreen licking as your tongue gets stuck. There’s better places to get your tongue stuck when all said and done. I bought a two seater car with the sole intent of never giving people lifts. Do they do one seaters?

I’m sorry you had such a bad day, but I’m really glad you wrote about it–I needed the laugh.

Well that’s all that matters! I’m here for the cheer! and the beer. Nice to see you Debbie 🙂

You could send that “All about me” Christmas card to me, if you were so inclined. I’d be thrilled and I could show it to my mother and wait to see if she realized there was a bit of a laugh there. She wouldn’t, I already know. And that would give me a laugh. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

It’s the best Christmas card ever. I sent several and now I’ve wheedled out the wheat from the chaff so to speak. Love me, love my cards.

Merry Christmas, sugar plum. Happy New Year, too.

Happy Christmas and New Year and Easter incase I’m going to get tardier! X

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