Outlaws And My Laws

April 4, 2018 6:54pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 16 Comments

Outlaw sign Texas

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On a Wednesday!

I apologise for leaving y’all in the lurch last week but it’s been eventful.

Firstly, a drug dealer got shot at the La Quinta hotel around the corner and then someone else blew up in their Meth lab.  You just don’t get this sort of entertainment in middle-class suburbia where I reside.  I now understand why trying to cadge lifts off strangers when you can’t be bothered to wait for the nail salon to open results in you getting a right telling off. 

“This ain’t England, Jules!”  

Talking of Brazen….

Boot JuJu at Cavender's

I got sick and tired of trying to get hold of buyers at retail outlets and decided to try a bit of guerrilla marketing.  I walked into Cavender’s Boot store with all my Boot JuJu and started strapping up their boots until someone paid attention to me.  Didn’t take long.  Dusty the cowboy manager thankfully found it novel and instead of shooting me gave me the run of the store. I repeated this performance in Harley Davidson, but with strict instruction not to scratch the paintwork! He who dares wins.  Boot JuJu is now getting some scorching hot attention!

Talking of Temperature…

This beer in this venue is as cold as it gets…

Fort Worth beer advert

The weather in Texas has been very odd, ranging from boiling hot to torrential rain to freezing cold.  One day I had to don a friends fur coat because it was freezing.  Never in all my days did I think I’d wear a fur coat in Texas but there we have it.

Fur coat in Texas

Didn’t need ice in your drinks that day let me tell you.  

Talking of Animal Skin…

I stood looking at this poster wondering exactly what it meant.  Maybe it’s my English mind, I don’t know…

Deer Corn

Please explain. 


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Deer love corn. It’s not unheard of for people who want deer or elk to show up on their property to put corn out. The doe usually show up but sometimes if there are a lot of doe, a buck will come as well and you can shoot him. There laws against baiting deer and other game animals but in Texas those laws are more like “general guidelines”.

Thank you, Larry. Without you and your wisdom I would be walking around in a Unicorn daze about life. 🙂

Julesy…To date, there are no laws, general guidelines, or limits, to bagging unicorns. I thought you learned that at Westphalia ?

This is true. As the worlds number one reporter on unicorn hunting I know this to be fact: every man for himself. And gender. And unicorns. #DontTellPETA

There’s several powerful lessons to be drawn from this post but one stands out in particular. You need MORE FUR. This is important.

They still haven’t caught the person who shot “Deon”. Maybe they need to up the reward.

Yes, I do, LSP! I wanted to steal that one!

Yeah, up it to a cool million and throw in a fur – that should do it! 🙂

For goodness sake where are you staying gangster alley? Didn’t I teach you never to take lifts or talk to strangers and here you are halfway round the world having crazy adventures!

I never did listen…… I promise not to do it again but it helps build character! 🙂

Doe corn: it’s a neo-pagan sacrament in a rite to immanentize the eschaton through the return of Cernunnos.

Or as LL says, doe corn is for honey-trapping horny (see what I did there) stags.
On the other hand, one could just put up life-size deer porn: https://www.montanadecoy.com/hunting-decoys/deer/estrus-betty
On the gripping hand … [other alternative sent by PM.]

Oh, well, in that case, it makes sense!

Deer porn…. who knew? They could have got one with longer eyelashes, to be honest. Personally, I prefer the one you PM’d! Reminds me of Wales! ;P

A good handshake sorts out a lot of problems, my sweet, so I’ve been told. *)

You rented a flop-house with a red, heart-shaped bed. Did you expect mints on your pillow ?
The deer corn is used much like jewelry and FURS are used on the female homo sapiens , resulting in the same pose and motions as ‘Estrus Betty’ employs.
Love Ya !

My darling PPS, even if they’d wrapped their mints in radioactive proof foil I wouldn’t have eaten them from that SORDID pillow! I know what you did there; it stank of depravity.

Oh! I see. That malarkey doesn’t work on me. Not without margaritas 😉 Love ya more!

Folks move to middle-class suburbia in order to avoid this kind of entertainment. They pay good money for it.

Look at you. A marketing genius. The accent doesn’t hurt. Take my word for it.

Yeah – good point, M! It’s very novel for me though!

Maybe the English accent sounds a bit strict and it scares people into submission! You constantly use English actors as “baddies” in Hollywood so that’s my theory!

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