Party Smarty Pants

May 16, 2018 1:07pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 29 Comments

Satirical Snapshots bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Whimsy?  What is this?  Where did it go? 

I’ve been stuck inside from dawn to dusk working FOR-EV-ER.  All work and no play makes Jules a dull girl.  

This needs to be rectified with haste.

Lippy and Loose

However, I did get invited to a party last Saturday night.  It could be said that I was a little hyperactive because I hadn’t been out for ages and it was a revelation to blow dry my hair, fall in love with the art of perfect lipstick application and wear high heels again. 

I was met at the door with a glass of bubbly that never, ever seemed to empty as the night wore on. Meeting new people is always fun and fascinating for me if not a little terrifying for them. 


I was asked to bring food to the event so being an honorary Texan I decided to enlighten the British partygoers by making Cowboy Beans and Seven Layer Dip.  

British people don’t seem to understand these things.  If it’s not a trifle, a sarnie or a beetroot salad, they get a bit anxious.

“Is anyone eating these cowboy beans or what?”  I demanded in my ‘loaded with bubbly’ personality. 

“Oh, I wondered what they were!  What are cowboy beans?”

“The future of beans. Period.  A taste sensation and you need to eat some NOW.” 

“Yes, of course.  Yum!”

“And what about this seven layer dip?  Come on! Get stuck in!”

“Oh, I thought it was cold lasagne so I didn’t try it.”

“What a bunch of Fysi- Fsyik- Fysigunkuses…Fysigunki?  Whatevs. Pass me my drink…”

It Isn’t Over Yet

Despite being introduced to lots of fun people, I am dreadful at remembering names unless you’ve made an outlandish impression on me.  Instead, I refer to people as, “That guy in the checked shirt that looks at everyone’s boobs,” or “That chick with the massive necklace on, ya know, if she falls into the river she’s gonna drown,” or “ That really pretty girl that sounds like she’s swallowed a helium balloon,” and so on. 

Some people who came to the party brought along a Swedish couple that had come to visit them. I’ve always like a bit of Swede.  I find them quite interesting because they’re always well dressed in a very plain and basic way: understated quality. This might make you pass them over for someone more flamboyant but don’t judge a book by its cover. The Swedes I’ve interacted with in the past are usually very dry and witty. 

“Ooh, foreigners!  I’ve always fancied going to Sweden.  I might ask them if it’s true that it’s the rape capital of the world.”

“You CAN”T ask them that, Jules, that is NOT party conversation?”

*? ? ?  Can someone please enlighten me as to what party conversation is? *

Anyway, the Swedish guy came over to be introduced and I stuck out my hand in that ‘Oh so British way because it’s too soon for hugs’ and told him my name.

“Juliette,” I said. 

“Yet,” he replied.

“No. Juliette,” I repeated.

“Yet,” he insisted.

I tried not to roll my eyes in frustration, I really did.

“JU – LEE- YET,”  I accentuated like I was talking to a toddler.

“Yes, I understand,” he continued. “MY name is YET!”




This made me snigger for at least 5 hours.

“So, Yet,” I replied.  “It’s obviously meant to be that we met because I’m never going to forget your name now, am I?  Now then, let’s have a chat about whether you’ve ever been abused without your consent. With that lovely cabled jumper you’re wearing, I wouldn’t be surprised….” 

And contrary to what people think about my inappropriate interaction, I’ve even been invited back to future dinner parties and all sorts.  Some people like weird. 

JS – Party Etiquette Central.


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Oh, Yeti – I’ve heard of them up in the Swedish mountains in the snow. There are also a couple of them on the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland. But the real Matterhorn is in Switzerland. They may have been Swiss, not Swedish (both foreign to England).

As to dip, British people have always seemed to have had difficulty with guacamole. I know that YOU don’t, Jules – yeti. Better still, serve them sloppy joe sandwiches that they are forced to eat with their hands – and they are sloppy. Some will get on you. That drives many Brits to leave the party and head for the nearest chippy. Ok, that was the reaction that they had when I made them when I lived in the green land (not Greenland).

There’s a few yeti’s around here too, Larry!

His actual name (I found out later) was Gert. GERT! But he pronounced it “Yet” I told him that was ridiculous.

Obviously, I am now at one with sloppy food though I do manage to get it all over me. British people tend to prefer plates, knives and forks and a quality serviette to remain intact. You even get a wooden fork at the chip shop. Manners rule. 🙂

You mean to say there is another guy in a check shirt around who looks at everyone’s boobs apart from me!

You have competition, sir! Ha! 🙂

When in the company of Swedes I always ask “how come you former Vikings are pussies now… just asking?” I ask the same from any Germans, Danes, Norwegians, etc. It always results in very interesting and stimulating conversations followed by a lot of shrugs and stupid looks. 🙂

“Staring at boobs”… for the record, it’s impolite not to stare. If women didn’t want us to stare then they wouldn’t show them to us. It would be impolite not to.

Your conversation with Yet is funny. 🙂

I don’t think you’re very good at party conversation either, Nox though I’m pretty sure you’re less obnoxious than me! I get away with it because I have Mac lipstick.

Guys look at boobs even when they AREN”T on show! I make a point of maintaining intimidating eye contact so they daren’t deviate. Hehehehe.

I’ll never forget that introduction. It’s still making me laugh. 🙂

I’m surprised you didn’t ambush them with pulled pork.
But let me tell you about Sweden. Some say it’s the only country where the clouds are interesting

Pulled pork was on the table, LSP! That is why I made cowboy beans as the perfect accompaniment!

In case you were wondering, It’s all quiet on the eastern front, now 🙂

Well, you know how well things went with den Svenska flickan so we needn’t go there ;-). Vaguely apropos to this post, I did purchase a lovely grey cabled jumper (100% Merino, made in the UK by some teddibly British-sounding firm, “Hogsmythe and Fewmets” or something like that) last month. Highly out of character because I don’t even like pullover sweaters (“but it was SUCH a bargain!”).

Was “Yet” able to properly say your name, or were you “You-lee-et”? Not that I should make fun of people’s speech impediments. I cannot properly roll my R’s, but fortunately it ain’t no problem in neether Murrican noor Mandarin. And my Swedish is so atrocious (and rudimentary) it’s the least of my problems in that language. In the Nordic line, last night I had dinner with some new colleagues, one of whom happened to be of Finnish ancestry (I couldn’t figure out from whence came his surname, so I just asked, speaking of socially-dubious interactions).
“Finnish! I would not have guessed. Well, torilla tavataan!”
“What? What’s that mean? Do you speak Finnish?”
“Just a few bad words.”
“Ah. […] So, how ’bout them RedSox?”

>difficulty with guacamole
If a person has ever mistaken wasabi for guac’ then they tend to be gun-shy about green, gloopy substances in future….

Quality knitwear from England is a staple classic, Mike. You purchased well. However, in order to pull it off properly, you need to call it a jumper and make sure you speak with a plummy accent.

He did say Yuliette and I asked for whatever he was drinking!

Your Finnish crowd clearly aren’t up with current memes or don’t do sarcasm. Give them more alcohol.
If a person mistakes wasabi for guacamole they need to go to Specsavers! 🙂

I remember when you were young a certain Swedish millionaire taking you out to our garden to build a snowman when it snowed during our party. This obviously had a big impression on you! If I didn’t know you and met you at a party I think I’d sober up very quickly in case I had to give you a lift home

Swedish millionaire? How did you know him then, eh eh? 😉

So, let’s get this straight. Whilst you lot were getting hammered in your swanky London apartment, you let your young daughter go outside with a foreign millionaire to build a snowman…… I’m reporting you to parent line!

So, a millionaire weirdo followed by Abba. No wonder I’m so taken by them! 🙂

Seven-layer dip is awesome but I’m a little vague on the beans. That’s batting .500 and pretty good.

That’s not true about Sweden, is it? They’ve got that peace prize thing-y. They’re not an angry lot.

It’s not actual Swedes but the “refugees” — and not just the Middle Eastern and African ones. The thin end of the wedge was when they took in members of a certain demographic post-Yugoslavia, who despite being white Europeans, behaved in a manner more generally associated (by hatethinkers — and anyone else with a shred of objectivity) with their more vibrant co-religionists. I will stipulate that the above came from a Scanian who moves between Malmö and Copenhagen, so I’ve got no idea whether this generalizes to the rest of Sweden, but I’ll bet it does.

Additionally, it is virtually certain that rape and other sexual assault are vastly UNDERreported in Sweden. Combine the (unfathomable to me) desire to be the Swedish equivalent of a gutmensch, and the very real fear of having your career destroyed for the sin of noticing the blazingly obvious, and hardly anyone says anything. But people know what is going on, they just don’t see what to do about it.

>They’re not an angry lot.
I am increasingly convinced that this is the root of the problem.

Thank you, Mike, for your comprehensive response. That’s pretty much what Yet said though not as eloquently!

M- Cowboy Beans are fabulous. You simply MUST partake! 🙂

apparently there’s a 2.0-version campaign featuring a leggy blonde…

I only learn about others countries if the Simpsons travel there for an episode. i’m sifting through my tapes for the Simpsons Sweden episode…
in honor I will combine at the Father’s Day brunch two things which were huge in the ’70s: fondue and I Ching.

Yet is such a blessed name. it’s like he’s always saying his journey isn’t complete yet. and Yeti are such noble docile creatures, they are greatly misunderstood like Bowser.

cabled jumper: bungee-jumping off Everest with Jim Carrey the Cable Guy. that was quite the experience, everyone should have that experience before they die…


Fondue and IChing! Like! However, today you must eat crumpets, muffins and Spotted Dick in support of The Royal Wedding. And don’t bring a Swedish Ikea chair – it won’t last the day.

Everyone should have a cable jumper before they die or they have never been “dressed” *)

you predicted this Royal Wedding. you were watching and raving about Suits long before any of us. it’s like you knew something, a sign, call it royal intuition. wasn’t Suits your favorite show for a while? meanwhile during this time I started watching Regular Show cos I was bored and there was nothing else to do…*)

See! I am the new mystic Meg! Y’all best start listening to me. *)

I would have mentioned ABBA at the earliest convenience…and of course ikea the flat pack producers who fail to write instructions on how to build said furrrnituuure (said in a Swedish accent) but rather they use pictures!! But not in 3D, which I find infuriating….and why are there always screws left over!!

You can ALWAYS mention Abba, cakes. But never mention Ikea. It’s just not British! 🙂

Don’t think I’ve ever met any Swedes.
I assume they all look like the chef from The Muppets?

Hahahaha! I always want to start behaving like him when I meet Swedes but I think that’s taking party etiquette too far!

> [Swedes] all look like the chef from The Muppets?

Sigh. Would have saved me a lot of trouble if that were the case….

That is true! But where would be the fun in that? 😉

You are a true outlier and there are not many of us left!
Thanks for a happy day.

Born that way, Goatman! And back at ya, my friend 🙂

I learn so much about the world from your writings, Julesy !
At the start of this piece, I had NO IDEA what “Fizzygunks” were, much less how to properly pronounce it.
Not ever wanting to seem the uneducated sort, I was encouraged to see if indeed it was an actual word. IT IS !
On the below site, one can read the definition and also hear the proper pronunciation . You can even record yourself saying it so that you can hone your technique !!
I have it on ‘auto-repeat’ which I am going to return to post- haste !
Thanks again Julesy,
P.P. Star
** Be sure and read the comment section at the above link**

I’m here to help you grow every day, PPS! You’re welcome.

I expect to see you using it throughout social media!

Hahahaha! I’ve responded. 😉

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