Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday
On an Ash Wednesday to be precise
And I’m supposed to find whimsy on a this day of self discipline and self denial? I mean which bright spark decided to write that up in “The Book”? I know, eat yourself senseless with buttery pancakes until you’re as sick as a dog and then tomorrow… STARVE. Cruelty. Total cruelty. And what is it with the number 40? Why is everything 40 days or 40 days and 40 nights? 40 hours is far long enough in my opinion.
I’ve given up wine. Not had a glass for 19 hours now. I’m still awaiting the glorious karma of this achievement.
Talking of punishment.
I made this incredible, king size blanket. Crocheted with my own fair hands. I’m immensely proud of myself. I made it for someone I know who is very anxious and named it “The Emotion Blanket” They can lie under this and it will make them feel better. It better bloody do because it took me flipping ages. I showed it to my friend, T, who is very good at this kind of stuff.
“Bloody hell Jules, this wool is insanely thick! Nobody would crochet with this!”
“I know. Pushing the boundaries. It’s nice and chunky, isn’t it.”
“It’s chunky on steroids!”
“I’ve called it the emotion blanket.”
“It’s more like a punishment blanket. You’ll never get out from underneath it’s so heavy.”
Now other people might have been offended by that, but not me. The thought of making punishment blankets to throw on people that piss me off seemed like an excellent idea! I could probably market them to the dominatrix girls that advertise in the iconic red phone boxes! Niche market. Love it. I have invented the PUNISHMENT BLANKET. Heh!
My friend Jamie clearly thinks I’m made for this job as he sent me this following picture and message:
“Thought you could use this in your blog ….. Found in a bar in knights ferry CA. Made me chuckle!!!”
I don’t know what he’s trying to say….?
And more on punishment
I dropped my beautiful white iPhone down the toilet. Seriously. This sort of thing only happens to teenagers and muppets. In my defence it was early morning, I’d been up since 5 am and I forgot it was in the back pocket of my jeans. It died. Friends told me to put it in a bag of rice but I didn’t have any rice so I put it in a bag of pasta on the radiator. And yes, I appreciate that pasta doesn’t absorb but this is all I had and it was gluten free thus not proper pasta. It didn’t work. This is the power of morning bitch piss, people. That stuff should be bottled and used in warfare.
Anyway, I had to wait FOUR WHOLE DAYS (not 40) before I had chance to drop it into the phone shop. I’m now not sure if I hate phone shop people more than baristas at this juncture. My phone was insured and they said they could send it off for repair.
“Well how long is that going to take?” I asked.
“About 5 days”
“Too long. I’ve already been 4.”
“We can give you this piece of crap, 80’s Motorola phone for £25.00 a day whilst you wait. “
“And I can give you a smack in the mouth but I guess you wouldn’t want that either. I want an upgrade. Send this off and then sort me out with the latest iPhone.”
“Oh we can’t do that. You can’t have one being repaired under insurance AND have a new one too. The system won’t allow it.”
See what I mean? Which is worse, barista or phone salesmen?
Beating the system
In order to get my phone sent off I had to use their phone to CALL their insurance that they sold me in the first place.
“What? I’m here, live in the shop, surrounded by salespeople of the year and you can’t sort it out?”
Baristas or phone salesmen?
52 minutes later…
“You’ll need to turn off your icloud.”
“I’m sorry, but which part of ‘It doesn’t work or turn on’ did you not understand?”
So stressful. So, so stressful.
Eventually….. “So after answering our gazillion questions, are you happy to proceed with the claim?”
“Only if I can have a new phone today too. Your top bossman in here says I can’t.”
“Ah the system…”
“Nobody cares. I want a new phone or I’m leaving.”
“And I’ll tweet about how rubbish you are because I’m feeling exceptionally spiteful.”
“You can’t tweet without a phone…hahaha.”
“And you can’t work when your store’s on fire.”
I got a new phone. Just had a text on it saying they couldn’t repair my old one and are having to replace it with a brand new one. I will now have two new phones, one of which I can sell for a nice chunk of moolah. Wisdom.
Apparently the one I dropped down the loo completely welded together. What with that power and my S&M blanket skills, you may now refer to me as “The Punisher.”