Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
The world’s gone mad.
England is hotter than the Sahara desert.
England has no air-con.
Tempers are fraying.
My dog is possessed by flies to the point of throwing himself at windows in an attempt to catch them. I’m not sure if he’s gone rabid.
My lizard, Kevin, has shed his skin in order to grow into his Godzillaness. I didn’t know lizards did this until he came out of his hide looking like a Dilophosaurus. I very nearly called Jurassic Park.
I cleaned out his vivarium because I found this gross even though he ate it- grosser. Result? He hates his new Des-Res (selfish) and has got a proper attitude. He leapt into my hair yesterday and it took me 20 minutes to get him out. It’s not funny having a spiny-tailed lizard freaking out because it’s stuck in your tresses.
England beat Panama 6-1. I lost my voice in excitement and couldn’t even soothe it with a cold bottle because there’s a beer shortage in the UK.
Cristiano Ronaldo got a yellow card and missed a penalty. King Harry Kane has scored more goals than him. Not that I’m rejoicing or anything.
What’s going on?
Well, apparently, according to nut job sources around me, this is to be expected. Why? Because many of the planets are in retrograde.
Come again?
Whatever you try and do will not go to plan. So don’t. Sit back and let it all unfold is my advice. And stay away from mad dogs and Englishmen. And Reptiles.
19 Comments on Retrograde
Lynne Bod Allen
27th Jun, 2018 16:06
What about staying away from mad English women. Wetherspoons are panicking
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2018 10:06
Well, that’s a given unless you’re brave enough!
I’m not surprised they’re panicking: an awesome English team in the World Cup, GERMANY ARE OUT…I’m sorry, but can I just say that again? GERMANY ARE OUT. In the group stages! Came bottom! I mean, come on! That’s the nemesis out of the way. The weather is t’riffic and they wonder why beer is being drunk like water? Duh.
TC
27th Jun, 2018 16:06
Look to the bright side. Better a lizard in your hair than a dog chasing a swarm of flies!
– TC
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Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2018 10:06
I dunno, ya know, TC. Those lizard tails are proper nasty. It’s the creature’s defense – whacking you with a lump of ferocious spikes! Not good in hair though, where it gets tangled.
Every pet I have has issues and personality disorders. 🙂
TC
28th Jun, 2018 14:06
There’s a “Pet Psychiatry” field in The States which I’m sure is thriving in no small part thanks to the pets in my family!
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Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2018 10:06
You too? Who’d have thought…;P
LL
27th Jun, 2018 18:06
It sounds like some degree of normalcy has crept into your life, and I can’t help but give Kevin all the credit for it.
With the exception of a BEER SHORTAGE IN ENGLAND? What’s going on with that?
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2018 10:06
You call that normalcy? I don’t even know what that means, LL!
Kevin is my go to companion, it seems. He has Jurassic wisdom even if he is a little feisty.
Well, it’s the C02 gas shortages that are causing large pub chains to be out of particular draughts. Right when they could be minting it with the weather and the footy. Don’t worry, there’s still plenty. Not having any beer left in this country would be the same as all the guns in America being taken away. Anarchy and bedlam would be rife and you’d hear about it big time!
Masher
28th Jun, 2018 07:06
“It’s hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum, your Majesty”… and other heat-related phrases.
There’s no beer shortage in these parts, ma’am: my fridge is delightfully well stocked. So if you want to pop round for a cold one, please do.
But you can leave Kevin at home.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2018 10:06
Innit, though?! Sweating cobs!
Thank you for that offer, Masher! Sounds much better than the one at your office which is full of Dairy Farm’s milk allowance!
Kevin is offended!
Exile on Pain Street
28th Jun, 2018 11:06
I wish I had a video of Kevin twisted up in your tresses. That shit’d go viral.
Is the beer shortage comment one of your clever quips or is that true? How can there be a beer shortage during the World Cup? Unless the two events are somehow tied together?
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2018 10:06
Ha! If I hadn’t been trying to save myself from lizard whiplash I might’ve thought about that!
It’s semi-true. There’s a Co2 shortage which is affecting some draught beers. There’s still plenty of others! No fear yet. However, the combination of heatwave and football glory is bound to take its toll!
Jane Lowe
28th Jun, 2018 14:06
How will you react if England wins the World Cup, Jules? Perhaps Kevin can predict the outcome. Have you asked him?
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2018 10:06
React? I’ll probably be in intensive care or running naked with an English flag through the fountains in the market square. This needs to happen in my lifetime.
Good point, hold on, he’s right next to me, let me ask him…. I SWEAR TO GOD HE OPENED HIS MOUTH WHEN I ASKED! It was a definite yes. Goodbye groundhog and octopus, Kevin is the new guru!
LSP
28th Jun, 2018 18:06
Confident little Kevin! And probably a freakout to have a lizard leap into your hair but look on the bright side. You can train him as an ATTACK LIZARD, useful home defender in the absence of firearms.
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2018 10:06
He’s so fast when he’s got it on him. I went into a mild panic, I must say. Yes! Attack lizard! Funny cos he bites everyone except me! You’re onto something here, LSP 🙂
the late phoenix
28th Jun, 2018 19:06
there’s one planet missing from that solar-system map: Planet X, where we are all from.
retrograde sex is the best………………I wouldn’t know, i’ve never been to Mercury
Des Res: the love shack of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball in Heaven
Mad Dogs & Englishmen was a Disney cartoon where Pluto would finally talk and Goofy was renamed Mad, but they went with DuckTales instead.
I haven’t checked the brackets, is there the chance of a Portugal/England final? if so, on that day, the Earth will go retrograde
*)
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2018 11:06
Shhh… you can’t mention planet X, my sweet. The Illuminati are watching you from their third eye from their des-res on planet retrograde. Start walking backwards and talking backwards and get down with the mad dogs and Englishmen where Goofy really exists. This will keep you off their radar. Alternatively, you can fly to Austrailia because the flat Earth believers have decided it doesn’t really exist. Can someone get me a glass of whatever they’re drinking?
I’ve worked it all out. I think Spain are the most talented team so they will be in the final. Just need England to get there and take the red rag to the bull. Olé! #PleaseLetItBe
Crystal Collier
3rd Jul, 2018 18:07
Stuck in your hair? I think that would do me in–not that I have an issue with lizards (we have them all over the place here), but in the hair? That’s almost as bad as holding a cockroach in your hand.
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