June 26, 2013 3:06pm Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 44 Comments

It was a hot, sunny afternoon in England.
It was a hot sunny afternoon in England.

No, I haven’t made a mistake in repeating that.  This is such a rarity and pleasure that it is important to mention it twice. 

 All people talk about over here is the weather.  They don’t even say “Hello.”  anymore.  They just say “Oh isn’t it a lovely day!” or, most usually, “What shocking weather!  I’ve not known a decent summer since 1904.”  It’s like groundhog day.

Anyway, as one does over here when that yellow thing makes an appearance, I sat outside in my garden getting some seriously needed vitamin D.  My phone buzzed on the patio table, indicating a message.

MISS E:  I need help with a presentation for work.  It needs to be arty.  I’m shit at art.  If I bring it round now will you make it look pretty? Xx

ME:  What’s in it for me? 

MISS E: I’ll bring some Crabbies and an egg custard? 

ME: Forget the egg custard but you can bring Crabbies 🙂 

MISS E: OK.  Be there in half an hour. Xx

Crabbies is grown up ginger beer. It makes you feel like the famous five except we were just the famous two.  The advert alone makes you want to drink it because it’s ‘tickety – boo’ 

Miss E arrived with two small bottles of ginger beer and came outside to the patio.  We opened them and sat there sipping the fizzy nectar.

ME: So, what’s this presentation about?

MISS E:  About mortgage protection, critical illness cover, the implications of not havin..

ME: BORED… I’m going to need a crate load of Crabbies to even begin to find the art in that!

I brought my flip chart outside so we could make plans. We sat down a little longer first to try and gather some momentum.

MISS E: Did you watch ‘The Voice’ the other night? You are like the female version of Will-I-Am. Personality wise.  I might start calling you Jules-I-am.

I considered that for a minute.

ME: Yes I’m fine with that, I think he’s bonkers and fun so that works for me.

MISS E: What do you think happens when we die?

I’m always wary of responding to these type of questions since you never know what kind of answer people are expecting.  My moods are very bipolar and tend to be either full of fancy, running in meadows and spiritual beauty…OR…cold, hard straight facts.  However, I always say what I think regardless.

ME: I think we just rot in the ground.  Or get burned.  End of.

MISS E: Oh my God that’s horrible! Don’t you think we go somewhere else? 

ME:  Nope.  I think man is just scared of dying and has to believe that he doesn’t.

MISS E: Well, I don’t think that..I thought you believed in angels?

ME: I like the concept of angels but if I have a guardian angel then it needs a kick up the arse.  I reckon mines reached it’s tolerance level!  

MISS E: But people have seen angels..

ME: Hmmmm.. Maybe those high on E washed down with a bottle of single malt have. But, I do actually believe there were angels of sorts.  I watched a programme on the History channel the other week about angels. People saw these beings in the sky, floating about.  Know why?  Because they were aliens. Now that makes more sense to me.  And they were drawn with wings because people thought they were flying when they were just hovering like cool extra terrestrials do. If you study the ergonomics of the wings drawn on an angel it would be impossible for them to fly. AND, here’s the cool bit.. They came down and ravished some of the girlies here.  I mean, can you imagine the line up?  If you got the chance to do an angel you would, wouldn’t you?

MISS E:  But you just said it was an alien..

ME:  Alien, angel, whatevs.  I’m actually convinced that female members of my ancestry got it on with angels.  This explains me feeling like I don’t belong on this planet.  I’m clearly part angel.  A strange being.. A STRANGEL!  Yes! 

MISS E:  I don’t think you should have any more Crabbies.

We both sat in silence for a moment.  We reached for our bottles at the same time and drank, mirroring each others movements in time.  I always wonder if that’s because you are so in tune with each other or because it’s an awkward moment and you don’t know what else to do.

MISS E: They say that if you see a feather on the floor an angel is watching you.

ME:  No, it’s just a birds feather.  But if you think that then I’m happy for you though also think you should lay off the Crabbies. 

MISS E:  What happens to all the dead birds?

ME: EH?  That’s so random!  What do you mean?

MISS E: Well, you never see them do you..dead birds I mean.  They never fall from the sky and die.. You never see them dead all over the garden. And there’s loads of them. What happens to them?

I thought about this.  She was right.  The only time I saw a dead bird was if it was road kill or a naughty kitty had pounced on it. 

ME: You know I’m going to have to google that right? 

I sat there thinking about birds. Why didn’t they just fall from the sky?  Maybe flight was the answer to not dying. 

Maybe birds were angels.



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OMG!! That’s going to keep me awake now and I’ve not sleet properly for days as it is! THANKS. NOT.

I’m going to keep awake the woman who has an answer for everything? well, now I feel epic! 😉

I’ve never heard of ginger beer! Looks refreshing. So does she. Meow. I love that they call it alcoholic ginger beer. Does one have to be an alcoholic to fully enjoy it? I CAN’T have been the first to ask that question. Don’t pitch it over the plate and not expect people to swing for the fence.

I agree. Dead and gone is dead an gone. Like if you delete your facebook page or your blog from the internet it’s just GONE? That’s us, too.

One of the Big Mysteries in New York City is where the dead pigeons go. They’re EVERYWHERE. They’re like a plague of locust. But you never see a dead pigeon in the road unless he’s got tire treads running across his chest. Which happens, believe me.

Speaking of facebook…what are you holding in that photo? I can’t tell.

Ginger beer is like a ginger flavoured pop (soda) so on this one you HAVE to put ALCOHOLIC so that kids don’t buy it! Cos then there’d be even more teenage pregnancies and we’d have start copying your posters 🙂

So what happens to the pigeons? As long as they aren’t finding their way into the back door of NYC restaurants, know what I mean…

In that photo I am holding an orange water pistol since I was unable to locate a real gun. Unless I found some gangsters, which may have led me down a very dodgy path….

Ginger beer is my all-time favorite, Jules. It’s the only ‘beer’ I drink. But then there’s the bourbon of course, and the vino.

I’m with you on ALL THREE Grumpy 😉

Crabbies — sounds like a social disease. However, if it makes you see angels, dead birds and helps you create a modern art masterpiece, I will need to find a source in the US. And it’s made of ginger, right? Healthy?

Haha! Yes it does! It can lead to them if you’re not careful.

It helps with vivid imagination and yes, is very healthy! When have you ever seen a sick English person? Don’t answer that 🙂

i’m too much of a Whovian for my own good, when i initially clicked on this post, i genuinely thought i would die and not go anywhere in the afterlife.

aliens built the pyramids at Giza, Stonehenge was actually a place to make ancient root beer which is now our ginger beer, and Murray will finally win Wimbledon this year…

But you could just get in your Tardis and go wherever you wanted…no?

I agree that Aliens built Pyramids. And there’s some very odd ginger beer at Stonehenge.

I don’t care if he wins or not because I don’t like him. Though now Federer and Nadal are out, it’s his best chance.

Poor birds! Most of them get eaten by foxes and badgers before anyone can give them a decent Christian burial. As for Angel, wasn’t he Jim Rockford’s buddy? No one ever ate him, thank God.

There must be a lot of foxes and badgers Mr. GB but that’s the answer I also came up with after research. Or they’re in the local Chinese takeaway.

There’s also a vampire called Angel, no one ate him either. Probably because he ate them first.

Hey, wait! . . . I am good at arty ads (which, apparently you two didn’t get to with all the angel stuff in the way): Show mortgagee being hauled out of house on a stretcher and being placed on the sidewalk cause they couldn’t make their payment and had not mortgage insurance for illness. Person looks up and constructs a tiny tent to live in under the elms on the sidewalk.

Very British , I would say.
What say?

I like the sound of that Goatman! Very imaginative 🙂

We got round to it eventually but it lacked the kind of vision you have. Imagine what you’d be like after some ginger beer! 🙂

I would probably just add a tree house for the victim! Ideas flow . . .

You are genius! I’d actually like to live in a tree house! Can you design me one please…???

I can . . .


Goodness, now my head is spinning. What happened to the art? Did you end up creating visuals of dead birds and angels to make her presentation interesting?

I’m not surprised after one of my chat threads. This is why people have to be drunk when they go out with me, it helps them venture into the bizarre.

No, it was pretty boring as it was for a big bank and they have ZERO imagination.

OK, so whilst most of us are content to think we’ve probably got a little Irish in us (cos, let’s face it, we probably all have), you’re of the opinion that you are actually one-eighth Klingon?

Pass me that Crabbies… sounds like good stuff!

Hmmm, not sure about Klingon, though it’s entirely possible. 🙂

You’ve not had a Crabbies Masher? Go out now to your local offy and get some in the fridge (If you’re lucky enough to own one)

Oh, I own a fridge, alright.
Never anything in it though.

Yeah, BUT…did you get the dishwasher? hmmm?

I THINK I’ve talked her out of that 🙂

You rotten scoundrel! 🙂

It’s interesting to think that even if you’re not Klingon, Crabbies might be able to allow you to speak the language if you drink ENOUGH.

Do you know what, you’re right. I’m sure I’ve spoken Klingon many times before now! I must record myself under the influence. I could get a bit part on Star Trek!

Sorry but I’ve seen loads of dead birds, usually killed by my cat Ken. Crabbies and egg custard? Bizarre.

Yes, since when does an egg custard go with ginger beer? Maybe I’m missing out on some wonderful taste sensation…

Ken the cat. Love it.

Loved the discussion. Don’t drink beer. but felt I was sitting there too.

Angels exist, and birds land under the tree and the buggies drag them away. There is life after death, you repeat your mistakes till you get it right – groundhogs day, anyone?

Hope your art project is genius!

Hello Yolande and thank you Yolande 🙂

Well it’s not like beer, which is why I like it. It’s like ginger pop with the added benefit of extra power 🙂

If you repeat your mistakes until you get it right then I’m going to be here for the long haul!

It wasn’t genius but it made critical illness dazzling. I know.

Poor birds 🙁 I hope their murderer is caught 🙂

Always love your writing my friend 🙂

So do I Keith!

Thank you my lovely friend 🙂

LOL!! Oh Gosh Miss Jelly Bobble. Can one OD on Crabbies? I should never be allowed near the stuff. Hope that warm wonderful weather has stayed. If not, go have some more Crabbies, you’ve earned it 😉

I don’t think you can OD on Crabbies….I’ll give it a go and see what happens. Maybe I’ll learn to fly 😉

No, it never stays. It’s like the smell of a bacon sndwich only to find someone else eating it.

Thanks Az, you awesome supportive friend :))

I’m planning a trip to England as early as August. Meetings in London and then walk about and visiting friends in Carlisle and possibly up to Edinburgh. Where am I supposed to go in order to find Crabbies?

Oh my! That’s very soon! I think you’ll get plastered with whisky in Edinburgh but you should find Crabbies in a pub (though not all of them stock it) In the case of an emergency, ALL supermarkets carry it 😉

Where be ya girl?

Hope all is well . . .

I’m here! I’m here! I had a relapse of will….you know how it is 😉

Groundhog day… love it! Even more so than tickety – boo ginger beer but less than that new name of yours, bipolar Jules-I-am aka Strangel. Bi-polar is good. It’s either one or the other. I may be biased, of course… or I may not be. See, I’m bi-polar too.

I’m scared of dying and have to believe that I don’t, but I can’t. See, as bi-polar as they come, so bottoms up! (I mean this in a non-bi-polar kind of way, of course.)

How was your holiday Blue? Was it spectacular and lovely and all things bright and beautiful?

I love my new name 🙂 Particularly how you put it!

Bipolar is us. It’s the only way to be.

it’s a question that’s been creeping up my mind a lot these days. what happens to me when i die ? afterlife is a mystery. we just have to live by faith.

yeah, i’ll do one that looks like Robin Thicke anytime.

Yeah… I hope there is something and it’s both peaceful and exciting but… I can’t say I buy into it.

Hahaha! If all angels looked like that…. form an orderly line girls.

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