Taking The Biscuit

April 11, 2018 8:54pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments


Raspberry cake

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

It can be the strangest of things that catches my whimsical attention but this one really does take the biscuit.  Don’t you just love the puns on here? 

Chicken Soup for The Soul

So, one day last week, whilst residing at The Waltons, I was asked to make a chicken soup. Obviously, British chicken soup knocks spots of Merrrican chicken soup because it’s far more sensible and thus holds more beneficial qualities.  

I accepted the challenge and the crew went off to work leaving me in charge of the estate.  Yeah, that’s brave.  I did ask for a gun but my request was denied due to me maybe, possibly, shooting myself and bleeding out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know why people have such trust issues with me.

I Ain’t No Mary Berry!

Naturally, the soup was a roaring success and the whole house smelt of life-giving food when the workers returned.  

“That smells good,” they said. 

“DUH..” I replied, pleasantly.

“But you should have made some biscuits to go with that.”

“WELL, EXCCUUUUUSE ME ! What do you think this is, eh?  The Great British Bake Off? Is my name Cinder-flippin’-ella? NO!  And if you’d wanted bloody biscuits you should have mentioned that earlier so I could have got my servant’s pinny on and got to making a dough.”

“Dough? You don’t have to do that here. This is Merrrica.

The All American Biscuit

American biscuits

The fridge door was opened and out came a cardboard tube saying “Biscuits”

“Is that pre-made dough?” I asked staring at Mr. Pillsbury on the front.

“No, it’s biscuits.”


Low and behold it was so. 

The next fascinating procedure was to tear off the cardboard…

cardboard biscuit tube

Press it in the middle until it opens with a resounding and very satisfying POP…


And looky do, out pop 8 ready to bake biscuits. *AKA – Great British plain scones.*

I was beside myself. Truly. I am in awe of this concept. So much so that here you have a biscuit blog. 

I love America.  They take all the hard work out of everything. 

A mere eleven delicious minutes later and out of the oven came the best biscuits I’ve ever eaten. 

So.  I made them every day because in my opinion biscuits go with everything and when I get home tomorrow I’m having a chat with the Asda manager.

  I can’t take them home because they need to be refrigerated and whilst I actually looked up the temperature of the belly of a Boeing 747, I’m overloaded with Texan BBQ sauce. 

Please send biscuits. 


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And I was SO looking forward to sampling these delicacies 😡
I’ll just have to be content with my Tunnocks!

Nowt wrong with Tunnocks, my friend!

Anyway, I’m hoping that one of my DEAR American friends will send me some in a YETI cooler. I mean, I bought them all Marmite and fun and frolics and all sorts of things, so…. 😉

Point of order! One does NOT press in the middle. One peels off the foil and then, whilst holding one end of the cylinder, raps the middle of the cylinder smartly against the edge of the kitchen countertop. This makes the biscuits taste better. More American, in fact. Pressing the seam with a spoon, as directed, is very … well … Canadian or something. Like politely petitioning Her Majesty for “Independence, please, your worship. If it isn’t too much trouble, mum.”

As to bringing Marmite to these United States, I now understand why you get hassled by the Thousands Standing Around (or Turds Standing Around, take your pick). Marmite is one of those things that skate around the edges of the Chemical Weapons Convention.

Well, Mike, if it had said “rap hard on the counter” I would have! I might have preferred that and especially if it makes them taste even better! I didn’t press with a silver spoon as Her Majesty might prefer, but squeezed hard! POP! That’s what yeast eating barbarians do!

Marmite hardens you up! I’m trying to help here! 😉

You didn’t take a picture of what they look like when cooked.
We want bic pics!

I did, Masher! However, I was so excited and trembling with golden biscuit anticipation, that the picture was blurred! 🙂

While realizing that we are divided by a common language – scones/biscuits – biscuits/cookies – biscuits/crackers, etc., I’m surprised that instant biscuits haven’t made their way to your island along with McDonalds and Pizza Hut. You should import them. You’d make a killing.

For the record, if you’re going to serve soup, there needs to be biscuits. Your friends are dead right about that – and about denying you firearms in the kitchen while you’re preparing food.

I just went shopping and checked, Larry. Nada. Outrageous! They still expect the 1950’s housewife over here! RUDE!

Guess I’ll have to be content with dumplings until SOMEBODY SENDS ME BISCUITS! 🙂

Opening the tube is the best part. I remember that pop from my childhood. The happiest sound next to a champagne cork.

Why no pics of the SOUP? The least you could do is let me lick the screen. When are you leaving? If you have a layover, ring me up.

M, it is totally the best part! Anything nice should always go POP!

The soup, though most excellent, lost my attention when the biscuit phenomena took me over.

Already left, however, I might be hitting your end next time so BE PREPARED! 🙂

I have it on good authority Mary Berry does not have a soggy bottom……..you’re just gonna have to trust me on this…

I baked biscuits for the first time as well just recently. I had to use my oven, my real oven not my microwave oven. I hate using my oven. I’m scared of my oven, it’s old and creaky and its knobs are brrusted shut. I can only set it to broil cookies. I had to spend a few days in the hospital, I was not expecting that POP. I put the canister of raw dough right up to my face when…


also, Seabiscuit for the Derby!!!

She absolutely does! Another great thing she said about biscuits when Paul ( a proper northerner) dunked his in his tea: “We don’t dunk in the south” I laughed my head off to that.

Tomorrow is The Grand National, my sweet! Pick your winner! *)

Tune into the Sunday Sermonette on my blog for some great locations to shoot ad photos for Boot JuJu. (public service announcement)

OOOOOH! I will! This Sunday coming or just past?

Well, I don’t think you should listen to Larry about being denied firearms when in the kitchen. No serious biscuit baker should have to make a hollow threat when she menaces: “If you open that oven to check on my biscuits prematurely, I will shoot you in the face.” Sorry about my poor memory the other night. Was talking about Jacob Rees-Mogg. Somerset MP. Possible future PM. Also sorry about the crab cakes. Gruntessa said they were horrible, and she would know. Next time, maybe we can show you an outstanding Chesapeake Blue crab cake, and perhaps a better margarita.

I know, right? The baker bites the bullet!

Ah, I know who you mean. Maybe – that would be better!

I forgot to mention your choccamochalattecino ice cream! That was delicious! I enjoyed the meal and the marvellous margarita and the prosecco and most importantly, the awesome company! Thank you SO much! I will happily partake in a Chesapeake Blue crab cake next time ( and a margarita but that goes without saying) oh, and some mayonnaise on my poncho 😉 Big hugs!

Jeez ! I knew the UK was many years behind Merrrica on so many things……..but no canned biscuits ?? No wonder the line was so long
to get tickets for the Mayflower!
There is also a delightful little envelope of powdered mix, which when water or milk is added to, produces the finest in pepper gravy to smother said biscuits with.
On your next visit, you must also try the wonderful iced cinnamon rolls, packaged and prepared in the same manner as our wonderful biscuits. They are also opened with the delightful hard rap on the counter’s edge.

I had no idea our friends across the pond had been so deprived. It boggles the brain.
We have another marvelous invention you should try on your next trip here to civilization :
Chicken soup…in a can !

Love ya,

Just cos you lot can’t bake and everything has to come out of a packet, PPS! However, I agree. Those biscuits are the biznizz!

That is NOT gravy, it is sauce. Gravy is brown and made of meat juice and does not come out of a bloody packet. You’re the second person on here who prefers a rap on the edge. I see who the rebels are…hmmmm.

Soup in a can? No. Although Spotted Dick in a plastic microwavable pot is allowable.

Love ya more!

Walmart doesn’t sell pinnys, sadly, but it does sell biscuits in a tube. Are these two facts related? Possibly. Whatever the case, I’ll send some over asap.
No guns allowed in the kitchen? How’d you manage to cook? That’s a challenge and you met it it, well done!
It’s raining here in Texas, in protest of Lyin’ Comey’s egotistical “book.”
Please pray that we don’t launch WWIII on behalf of Saudi Arabia.

Walmart doesn’t sell pinnys because women don’t need them in America; they get taken out ( no, not like that,) or pop a can or rip a packet, so yes, LSP, those two facts are related.

OOPS. Too late. Our fighter planes have been and come back already.

I’ll swap you the book for some biscuits! Deal? 🙂

Love biscuits. In fact, inspired by this post, I went out and bought a Tu-Pac for maybe 2 bucks.

Praise and thank God the RAF has returned. Fly to fight again another day, gentlemen.

Not happy about this Syria business. Don’t say Al Qaeda’s air force.

Your book is on its way! Where are the biscuits?!!

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