The Three Meds

August 23, 2017 2:00am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 27 Comments

Writer logic

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I’ve come to the conclusion over the last few weeks that I’m insane. Not that this has come as a surprise to me; people have been calling me that for years. In a nice way, ya know. They gravitate towards my insanity rather than find themselves repelled by it. OK, maybe the occasional few have been afraid but I wouldn’t want to hang around with those vacuous, snowflake fun sponges anyway. Not that I’m judgmental or anything.

So, I came up with an instant remedy as you can see in my title – The Three Meds:

Medication: So, I’ve had all manner of that going on of late: Margaritas, antibiotics, vitamin C, vitamin D (because there is a woeful lack of sunshine going on around here) vitamin B and the pièce de résistance- Manuka honey. Sold to me by a cunning witch doctor at the health shop for the price of a two-bed townhouse in Wales. Allegedly this stuff can cure everything. Everything bar whatever I have, apparently. Snake oil….I’ve been duped.

Meditation: You’ve read my blog – how many times have I tried this? Endless. I either fall to sleep, hyperventilate, become more monkey brained or get pissed off with the person trying to narrate me to Zen. I’ve tried philosophy, medieval marginalia, cryptic, soulful books and I even ate a naked burrito in case it was a gluten thing that was making me edgy. You can’t say I haven’t tried.

So, there was only one more M left to complete the trio.

Mediterranean: Blue skies, warm seas, white sands, sailing boats and mountains.


How's work?


You might not know this but I’m quite an impulsive person and don’t beat around the bush. I have a professional waxing salon that does that for me.

I proceeded directly to the travel agent. Not been to one of those in years.

Her name was Juliet – Hows that for a sign?

“My name’s Juliette too,” I said. “Except I spell it properly.” See how I endear myself to people?

“This is the English way,” she said.

“Mine’s the romantic French way. But I don’t want to go to France. I went there far too much a few years ago.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Dunno. That’s why I’ve come to you. If I go on the internet I will get sidetracked by adventure and end up in Tibet. Something simple: Mediterranean, not many people, hardly any in fact. Quiet but not so quiet they don’t know how to knock up a decent cocktail or suchlike. I want to be in close proximity to the ocean so I can fall onto the beach in a few paces from my bed. That kind of deal.”


“In a minute. Time is of the essence.”

“Why so quickly?”

“Someone asked me if I was sad because I didn’t get to see the eclipse that darkened America recently. Err…no. Correction. I have SAD because there’s a permanent effing eclipse in summertime Britain. Sun? I need to see it and burn. Ya get me, travel bird?”

“I do. All booked. Off you go.“

Going Under The Radar



I’m taking this seriously. I’m going completely off grid – ish. No screens, no social media, no blogging, no tormenting myself with news, nuffin’. I’m not taking anything with me (that can thwart my resolve) except a camera and books. I plan to return with superhero prowess.


Beach life

I won’t be here to be whimsical next week so play nicely amongst yourselves and don’t do anything I wouldn’t. I’ll think about you all as I lay naked on a yacht, somewhere in the Med with a Pina Colada,  obviously.

Laters, taters.



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Have a great time Jules. I’ll be rooting for your safe return. 🙂

Thanks, ‘Nox! Yes, this is key. Getting back in one piece and still breathing! I have insurance! 🙂

Have a great time!
And I’ll be thinking about you, as you lay naked on a yacht, somewhere in the Med, with a Pina Colada.

I will. If I don’t I’ll at least have excellent stories to regale.

Hahaha! You won’t be able to forget me cos you’ll have a prize coming. The thought of you worrying and waiting for what that might be is enough to cheer me up! 😉

You haven’t told us where you’re going, Jules! Is it Greece? Beware of the guy with a moustache who says he isn’t inviting you for a boat trip to ‘make fok’ with you. It’s a well known seduction trick! I would have offered to be your chaperone. 🙂

I can’t say where I’m going, Mr Gorilla Bananas because I fear being followed by MI5. I will reveal all on my yacht… I mean on my return.
Oh God, can you remember when I went to Greece 3 years ago and Lawrence the lothario wrote me a poem? Don’t worry, I’m on full alert to this kind of crap. I did consider asking you to come as a chaperone and think this would be a good idea in the future. We could visit the witches of Europe and learn their magic and maybe bring one back for trials. 🙂

Good for you, Jules! I think it’s fantastic how you just get up and go when the fancy takes you! You’re an inspiration on how to live life. Of all the medicine, I think this one will do the trick. Safe travels.

Well, Jane – Living the vida loca. Trust me, if you saw the other half of my life you’d wonder why I wasn’t constantly on the run. Anyway, I only do it for you lot so you can travel vicariously through me without having to cough up the moolah or take your feet off the couch. The sacrifices I make…:)

Having holidayed with you many times I can guarantee that your week will not be uneventful. Beware of Albanian restaurant owners, happy hour cocktails, Wally wagons, odd looking opera singers. Get my drift? Have a wonderful adventure

Oh, it will because I’m not going with you! Dear me – some of the things that have happened…. You forgot hotel cheese, the woman with measles, the cursed troll in Bruges, the endless f’ing sunset, calling waitresses prostitutes due to mispronunciation, the bar with 365 beers, The Prince that gave me his number, the German in the bierkeller, The l’Occitane hotel trolley and chandelier, falling over when not even drunk and being carried to a bar, Hotel California, you getting hammered with Santa in Brussels, the shell garden, the torrential Malcesine rain that nearly drowned the car, the Polish hairdo, the mad German in the Berlin bar…and that’s just what springs to mind in a few minutes… I must write that travel book.

Well done! You deserve a holiday. And nice opening writer infographic, which reminds me of a night years ago at the Lit Review club on Beak Street. Some person came over and sat down at our table. “And what do you do?” asked an inquiring journalist,”Oh, I’m a writer,” announced the Unknown, only to receive the reply, “Neither am I.” I enjoyed that club.

Have fun in the Med!

British journo wit at its finest! What a great retort!

I will do my best. LSP! I’m ready for some of that ocean business. And some of that cocktail business. I can feel my heart rate slowing down already. Or maybe that’s the Pimms…dunno 🙂

Pimms! Must make some of that up…

You just can’t get this luxury in the States, eh? Did you throw that in the Boston harbour too? Mistake. Huge.

Anyway. I challenge you to a “Pimms with LSP” post and let’s see what you can come up with. Don’t put any of that nasty cold tea anywhere near it! ;P

travel agents still exist in the internet age? how about Elvis impersonators? well yeah there will always be a need for Elvis impersonators.

I let the Trivago Guy do all the work for me:

he’s my cabana boy. can’t help it, too handsome. can’t resist the snowy gray hair. silver fox. trivago sounds like a pill. he always returns to my motel room with mini-bottles and mini-bottles of shampoo and gin on the bed he’s so proud to have stolen.


He’s very handsome, my sweet. I also think he is the master of awkward pauses. I very nearly spoke to him myself as I felt the need to fill the uncomfortable void. However, I held out and he spoke first. He can be my cabana boy when you get fed up with the job and find yourself in another dimension with your magic scarf.

NB: Gin causes GINCIDENTS – and not the good kind. Beware of mother’s ruin. *)

Have a wonderful time my friend ……bring me a souvenir key ring, if you can’t find a boot a flip flop will do X

Well, of course, I flipping will! I’m going to find a boot to fill, don’t you worry! 🙂 x

Yeah coz “Fill your Flip Flops” doesn’t have the same impact!

LOL! x

What a fantastic idea !
You will find meaning, emotion, groove, place, and time there, among other treasures.
I think this video will give you some idea of what’s in store for you. Have A Wonderful Time !

Word, Terry. Conventionality belongs to yesterday.
Well, I just danced around my office on a Friday morning with groove and meaning! The people outside at the coffee van looked petrified. But they haven’t got their groove on. I shall try to have a fabulous time, thank you – I’ll sup up a novelty cocktail on your behalf 😉

The Med is nice. Party on.

However in due deference to Old Blighty, I haven’t needed my brallie once. Nice weather throughout. Edinburgh was very nice and dry. It felt Mediterranean. It still feels like that and I’m still here, getting shown around the Queen Lizzy, your new ship in Plymouth today. Meanwhile Houston is under water. If you’re going to be in Texas in October, I’ll see you there rather than here (UK), if you’re about? Let me know.

Well, yeah, LL. Soon as I make plans the sun belts out.

Enjoy your trip with the seamen. 🙂

Well, I’m going all over. I start in DC then VA then Albuquerque for some Breaking Bad shots and then Sante Fe New Mexico and then gotta see Cowboy Church in Houston. Personally, I think you should take me to Bodie. 🙂

You can’t go to Bodie until you get it in your head to re-start your next great novel. — I sense linkage. Of course, I know your response will be something like you must see Bodie and roll around in the grass before you can get the feel of the place. I’ll check when I get back to see when the State of California closes the ghost town for the year. It may be under snow by the time you are finished with your sojourn. The cowboy church could pray the snow away, and might if you ask.

The way to an art philosophers mojo is by feeding her imagination so of course I need to go there first: I need to smell it, feel it and wallow in its dust and memory.
Anyway – It’s open from 9 am – 6 pm until the end of October and 9 am – 3 pm thereafter. And, they sell root beer floats. 🙂

Hope you are having a lovely time. I’m sure that any place you go is never quite the same after you’ve been…in a most spectacular way of course!

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