This Is England

December 7, 2016 6:13pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 26 Comments

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Satirical Snapshots bringing you whimsy on a Wednesday.

You know you’re back in England when…

The light at this time of year fades at around 4pm and turns into a dusky, purple hue which makes the bare trees stand out like they’ve been embossed onto the sky. The temperature plummets and you need hat, gloves, coat, scarf, a few packs of Lemsip and a bag of Jakemans. The fire needs to go on. The heating is up full blast 24/7.  Tesco have more tins of Quality Street than they have bread and milk and the pubs are full at early doors cos, well, it’s dark, innit! And all your friends want to meet you inside them. Who am I to argue? And not just for alcohol either.

Coffee?

OK, so it was morning. My friend, Miss E, came to fetch me for breakfast at a quarter to ten. We drove to a local wine bar that is also a coffee house and delicatessen. We just mix it all up here. One stop fits all.

“Two coffee’s please,” she said. “Put some of that vanilla malarkey in it, cos it’s Christmas and lets have a mince pie each!”

“Alright. Nice,” I replied.

“Let’s have a Tia Maria too!”

“But it’s only ten ‘o’ clock!” I looked at her askance. The man standing at the bar next to me sniggered. He was dressed in a decent business suit with well cut hair and spoke with an educated accent. This wasn’t some drunken turn from Wetherspoons already through his second pint. In fact, this chap had a cup of tea.

“It’s December, “ he said looking at me quizzically. “You can drink when you want in December.”

“Right. Course. I forgot where I was. Been away in America for ages. Soz.”

This is England. December is basically a party write off.

Fable at the table

“So, let me tell you a what’s been going on with me,”Miss E said as we positioned ourselves around one of those round tables for two that are only actually big enough for one. The Christmas menu and party events list lay on the table where evocative words sprung out like “Two For One” and “Santa’s Creamy Warmer”

She pulled off her coat and shivered. “It’s a bit parky out, innit!”

England. Mad words and trivial comments about the weather.

“Well, since you’ve been gone..”

“You’re out of your head, cant take it?”

“What?”

“Never mind. You’ll get used to me again soon.”

“I’ve had three counts of serious road rage and fell out with this bitch of a Traffic Warden. Watch out for her, she’s new on the block.”

“Right. Noted.”

“And I had a right palaver with my passport.”

“Oh?”

“Went to get it renewed and did that ‘check and send’ business at the post office, that cost me a tenner. Woman told me that my photo wasn’t good enough because you can see my teeth. Since when can’t you show your pearly whites off on a passport pic?”

“Since about ten years ago.”

“Well, whatever, I had to go all the way back to Asda to one of those bloody photo booths. Not used one of them since I was fifteen and pissed up with ten of us inside it taking obscene photos for a laugh.”

“Thems were the days.”

“Anyway, I took a picture and I looked like Myra Hindley. Not having that on my passport for the next decade! So, I did it again in black and white and took it back to the post office.”

“Let me guess…”

“You can’t use that, she said. It has to be colour!”

“Since about ten years ago. Maybe longer,” I stated.

“This is when I had my second road rage incident. Got stuck in the Asda traffic cos there was a deal on Port and Stilton and other party fodder. Three more bloody attempts to get a decent photo. Cost me fifteen sodding quid.”

“Lets raise a toast to Eng-Er-Land!” I said, raising my glass to hers and finishing it up.

“Have you heard about the ten foot Brexit Turkeys being bred by farmers and milked for supermarket cheese?” I asked.

“No, but have you heard the kerfuffle about the new fiver?”

The Indestructible Fiver.

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Turns out, since I’ve been away shooting them, more sinister findings have occurred. Get this:

Hardline nutmunchers have forced the 322 year old Bank of England to review the indestructible fiver because it contains animal fat known as tallow. Whine-at everything leaf eating monomaniacs complained that this use of animal fat offended their sensibilities and demanded a review. Since then, PC word is out on the streets that this is causing severe upset to Hindus Sikhs and Jains – whose religion forbids them from eating beef.

Excuse me but what planet do I live on? I’m prepared to help all of these people out. Send me your tallow filled fivers and I’ll look after them for you then please leave on the nearest train or plane.

As for vegans, I’ve seen enough of them wearing leather Doc Martens, carrying suede handbags, wearing make up with animal fat in and pretty sure they may have lit a candle or two in their vegan life. Make it easy on yourself guys and become a Flexitarian.

The bank have already received a thousand ( phew steady on) signatures on a petition ( the first fourteen from a clan in Essex) to date and are taking it seriously as the head honchos go out in their chauffeur driven Bentleys to discuss it over lunch at The Greenhouse in Mayfair, London.

Not satisfied with that they’ve decided to take it a step further:

“Militant vegans are now demanding a ban on breakfast cereals containing cartoon characters because it demeans animals”

Yep. That’s right. Damn those marketing staff. I’ve not seen a Honey Monster since; they hide in absolute shame. And, for the record, nobody cares about the monkey in the jungle. Like me, people only eat Coco-Pops because they turn the milk chocolatey – duh!
Frosties? Well, they’re GRRRRRREAT!

Virginal bargains on eBay

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But more interestingly, prostitution is finding a way to be legal. This will save a lot of sheep.
It all started on ‘This Morning’s Britain’ with hosts Phillip Schofield and Hollyby Willoughby interviewing a girl that started a craze by selling her virginity for £800,000. Well that didn’t wash round here. You can get a blow job for a fiver in the pub car park. So, rather smartly, another bird decided to keep it real. She’s prepared to sell hers for a second hand hoover. A nice little Henry type vacuum is her preference rather than some crap Malaysian knock -off but I’m pretty sure she’s up for a deal. I reckon a bag of quavers and a scratch card and you’re in.

Back home in Blighty!

Lets balance it out with a bit of William Blake. This is England. You gotta love it.

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Lol, I love the fact that I have now got to wait 10 years before my passport is renewed…hope I still have my teeth then!!!

You can actually change the photo in between if you feel it’s looking a bit ‘Serial killer’ but…..that’ll cost you!

Hey girl! You need to stop shooting Mrs Queens currency.
Some of those new fivers are worth a few quid: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-38223552 (I would have made that into a hyperlink, but my HTML sucks).

Talking of which… a fiver for a blowie? Bit pricey up your way, innit?

Ooh look: it did it automatically.
Clever blog page.

How much is down your way then, Masher? Pint of shandy and you’re in?

Knowing my bloody luck I probably shot that one or gave it away! Right, on the hunt for Jane!

I know. Clever innit!

Masher? Shandy? Innit? Blimey, Jules, veleicht kannst du ein bischen Americanisch sprechen?

Achtung! Spitfire! How’s that?

Look, Fredd, we were incredibly close to speaking German but there’s far too many umlauts to be considering. Now, you have the benefit of getting back to basic, non-bastardised and colloquial English over here at this blog playground. The fact you said blimey, means you’ll catch on fast!

I heard about the virgin tart and it seems she’s got a buyer! I hope she’s not a dud virgin. That would mean she’d be overcharging by 800,000%. Approximately. Someone should start a club called the “Dud Virgin’s Society”. I nominate you as Secretary, Jules!

I can’t believe some numpty is paying that for a virgin! What’s wrong with the men of today? I bet she’s a dud. I think you have a good idea there Mr. Gorilla Bananas. Sullied slags for sale. I could sell that. I’ll take the job. 🙂

Since the t-shirt apparently never arrived at LSP’s mom’s house in Texas, I posted two more to your Nottingham address. But you apparently won’t be able to wear them until spring. It’s always spring in SoCal. Maybe you can wear them in the pub but the fashion police might slap you down like an unwanted step-child.

Hmmm. Weird they haven’t arrived — I’ll check in with Dallas.

Awww, thank you, Larry! I look forward to seeing what they say! I’m sure the slogans will deter people from slapping me down like an unwanted stepchild; that accompanied with my red clown nose will keep people at a respectable distance.

Thanks, LSP, if you would.

Ha! The Greenhouse, that’s a blast from the, for me, distant past. Bentley Turbos and easy there, make that Widow a Magnum, barman. And vegans, I’d almost forgotten about them. Love Jerusalem.

Right? Oh, you have dined at some posh places, LSP! Brownie points. And OBVS a Magnum!

Vegans….they just take it way too bloody far. Thats sprouts for ya!:)

Jerusalem. Should be the English anthem. That or Rule Britannia.

Anthem? Totally agree. And Rule Britannia. But look, guys, gotta rebuild that Navy, even though England’s an island. I know, I know, it’s counterintuitive, but still, think about it. Island… surrounded by sea… ships… You know, just a thought.

Navy? Huh…. But we’re an island….Oh YEAH!

Don’t worry, LSP, we will line the coast with Romford lads!

I wish things were going to smoothly for me that I had the CAPACITY to worry about tallow in my fiver. Seriously. I have a hard time respecting this sort of namby-pamby complaining. It’s that sort of delicateness that got us Brexit and Trump.

Home. Home again.

Some people take things to a ridiculous degree and if that’s all you have to worry about, something is highly amiss in your world.
This nanny-pamby complaining about shit that doesn’t matter irritates me.
I hope you enjoy the tallow in your fiver and use it wisely should there be a power cut in NYC.

salam nilam,saya sedang menunggu kputusan PILN MARA.saya dtawarkan asasi sains hayat UM.seperti yg dketahui,bantuan kwangan diberikan kpd semua pelajar yg dtawarkan asasi.skiranya,sy menerima bntuan kwangan dan kmudian sy mendapati sy dtawarkan PILN,adakah sy perlu mmbayar balik bntuan kwangan yg dperolehi?atau pun saya perlu menunggu sehingga PILN MARA diumumkan?thanks a lot nilam

well now if that video don’t make you want to become a monk i don’t know what will. through my tears i’ll try to continue.

over here we have Theraflu. but word to the wise that powder is not like Lipton’s lemon iced-tea powder. i ate the Theraflu powder straight and had a coughing fit for a straight week. i had to get Theraflu for my cough.

Myra Hindley, she’s hot………………………..oh wait i didn’t read the full article. this is what happens when you’re a google scholar.

*)

Isn’t it beautiful?! If you put Californian sunshine in England it would be the most beautiful place on Earth. But then it wouldn’t look like it does. Monks are very good at making mead and coffee – that is temptation enough.

Theraflu? I wish I’d tried that over there but I’m not a fan of iced tea. Lemsip works for me because it tastes just like a hot Margarita and has the same numbing qualities.

Everyone’s a Google scholar. Bored of that. *)

that judge (if it is true)should mind his own business and stop making this country a extremist conservative country by controlling the internet like this the govt cannot do this. It makes me sick.

As you know I used to be a vegan, but seriously? What are they planning to do? Make a salad out of the fivers? I’ve gone back to my meat eating ways….ooo bacon! 😉

Yes but you’re cool Tracy. You can do anything and you’ll still be a proper chick and wouldn’t get upset with tallow in your fivers.

I tried being a vegetarian once but got sick of nut roast and I don’t like nuts. Tried being a pescatarian too but fell out with the man at the chippy. I’m now a flexitarian because I can’t deny myself bacon. 🙂

Where have we been? Followed your exploits in Texas. We are in central misery — you could have stopped off to pet the dog had we known of your travels. Thanks for brightening my day . . .

Goatman! So good to see you again! And thank you for brightening my day too.

Well, maybe next time I’m there y’all let me pet the dog and have a go on that lovely, refurbished tractor?! 🙂

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