This One’s For You, Blue

March 4, 2021 12:29pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

Whimsy On A Wednesday On A Thursday!

Cos to be honest I don’t really know what day it is anymore. 

The evil bitch played her last card as far as I was concerned and now all I had to do was think of how I was going to kill her.  Was the start of the new novel I intended to write but came to the conclusion it was a little dark. Dark? Yes. Isn’t it. The last time I brought a book out I released it on the eve of Pandemic Meltdown. The Meaning of Life cunningly usurped by the powers that be by giving everyone the fear. What’s the last thing you want to read about when your life has no meaning? Right. Let’s get wholly depressed about finding the meaning of life when we can’t bloody go anywhere and daren’t breathe in or out or hug your grandma. 

To Bread Or Not to Bread?

During this whole ordeal, I have found writing a struggle. Not even a poxy blog post can I manage. Well, I mean come on, what have I got to talk about?  I’m used to adventuring and being a nightmare in some other country and having a go at something I probably shouldn’t be. Where’s the whimsy in staying in and learning to bake fancy artisan bread? 

True Blue

So, my blogger friend, Blue asked how I was going on a scale of A-F. Naturally, I said F because it connotes all manner of fuckwittery and he knew I’d say that. However, to be fair I have ridden the line rather extremely as you might imagine. In one moment I can be accepting of this prison where we presently reside and try to look at it as a life lesson: how to be zen and thoughtful. How to learn to live with the basics. How to treasure those important to us when they aren’t around. How to make flowery bread. How to be at one with nature. All that kind of malarkey. But to be honest it’s not for me. I’m honestly sick to death of walking in nature now. I want to go somewhere different.  I’m never going to make it as a Buddhist monk or be able to retire contently. I’m a doing person.

It’s A Wrap

On the other extreme, I have re-modelled my house, got stuff fixed, and started a new business in gift-wrap. Having lost my job due to the companies I worked for going into a cash-flow crisis (thank you Corona) I decided I wanted a present-wrapping room. Hugh Hefner had one so I want one. I’m up to my neck in ribbons and bows and paper and all manner of beautiful things that I now have to process and put online. I don’t like that bit at all. I’ve also decided that I want to become an Instagram influencer because I find that whole concept thoroughly disturbing and vacuous. So, I want to make a point by making videos on how to wrap presents in ridiculous or novel ways. It’s a fanciful goal. I may crash and burn or I may become a famous papery princess. Oi! Have a little faith! Let’s see how it goes.

Field Of Dreams

I also decided that I want my own field so I took it upon myself to write to all the farmers near me and ask for one. Farmers don’t tend to want to give away their fields as they have the potential of becoming valuable building land on this little island. However, I persisted and met up with a willing farmer yesterday who may be giving me a few acres to play with. I know I just said I’m a bit sick of nature but this is different. I want to be able to go to my own place with my own people and not have to deal with someone being scared of my big dogs or having to deal with all and sundry that have taken up jogging, cycling, walking, bird watching, loitering and being totally annoying in the local country parks. I want my own space even though I’m sick of the two-metre rule. It’s a dilemma, isn’t it? I swear this ordeal has made me a bit strange. Anyway, I think a field of dreams will be great and I’ll be thoroughly into it right up until I have to mow the grass. 

There’s a Science to It

In other news, an infamous blogger friend of mine has asked me to collaborate with their awesome science -fiction book. You might wonder why on earth they asked me but if you ask another blogger friend of mine, Masher, he’ll tell you that I’m really good at sci-fi.  No, it’s not his book but I’m deliberately confusing. I’m getting really involved with my character and the part they play in this captivating novel-to-be and I think this might be just the thing I need to get me back on track to writing more books. The only other thing I’ve managed to write during this lockdown is stories about monsters for children because that’s about my current level.  I’ve invented 4 monsters with stories which has definitely helped me not to become one.

And that’s me up to date, kids. 



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Present wrapping business? Sounds like a living hell to me, I detest wrapping presents (and to make matters worse it is Mrs L’s birthday on Saturday!).

See? You need me. I love wrapping presents. I’ll do it for a packet of jaffa cakes 😉

Yes, but what what wouldn’t you do for a packet of Jaffa Cakes!!!


I see your point 😉

A new novel, you say? SciFi? Be careful Jules. It’s 2021, and all of the stuff people thought was SciFi is coming true.

Wrapping is as important as the gift, or so I’ve heard it said. I’m looking forward to the YouTube primers.

Well, so it seems. I’m honoured to contribute to said major author’s book.

LL, if I had a pound for every time someone said, “Be careful Jules”… 😉

Of course! The best part is the anticipation!

wasn’t something supposed to happen today?…

all i see is red sky! i forgot how the rhyme goes! is it night or is it morning?!

please finish that novel and send it to Angela Lansbury, we all want that Murder, She Wrote revival before it’s too late. i hugged my grandpa but it was a time-travel thing where i was my own grandpa like Fry.

i’m sick of my nature walks along the same country road, too. i bake bread in the Ninja Foodi, that thing is a $300 toaster. i’m a monk but i fuck…

i went to the Playboy Grotto once and there was nobody there…

oh! the original Elysium! it’s all yours! if you see a ratty dingy baseball pop out of the field at night, run

we gotta help Bathwater write his Californication HBO show THIN THREADS. call the sci-fi book SPOCK GETS HIS REVENGE ON THE EWOKS


I think something very exciting and special happened, my sweet *)

You can’t make sailors trousers out of red sky. I think the rhyme goes something like this:

Red sky in the morning – shepherds warning
Red sky at night – the barn’s on fire.

That’s how we say it over here in the land where everything came from.

I quite fancy writing a sinister thriller; I see it as mental therapy.

I thought the same thing! My own Elysium but with a better ending!

I knew his stuff should be on telly. I must catch up with everyone – been a bit tied up with eco-friendly string and polka dot ribbon. *)

I love ScyFy and buy/read it by the yard. This new collaboration will be EPIC. In the meanwhile, my Blue has a spotted tail and pointed ears and expects me to take him seriously. Chance would be a fine thing.

And, LSP, you binge-watch it and when you describe what happened I wonder what the sodding hell you just invested your time in!
I think Gary ( not Gareth) Numan should be in a sci-fi film in his silver jumpsuit complete with tambourine and menacing, deadpan face. In cars, of course. Maybe flying ones.

Now that kinda Blue is should be taken seriously because I’ve heard some of the conversations he has with his master. Bit of a genius, that heeler.

“Well, it’s science-fiction, Jim, but not as we know it.”
I have a couple of achers of my own… but that’s a different story.

Now I have that stupid song in my head. Thanks for that, Masher!

Congratulations on your new warpping business, My Dearest Julesy!
You can help people get warpped with the best of them!
If one was to look up the word “warp” in the OED they would surely find a picture of you.
It will also allow you to get your new sci-fi collaboration up to warp speed, I would think.

Oh wait…I just re-read the article. You said “WRAP” not “WARP”.
Never mind.
II do hope you have success in obtaining the new acreage though.
I’m sure we will find you out standing in your field.

Love Ya Always,
~Your PPS .😘🥰

My dearest, PPS! I love being a bit warped, just like you do!

I shall be very outstanding in my field and may develop a new line of scarecrows in budgie smugglers. Whadda ya think to that?

Love ya loads then, my bawcock XXX

Congratulations on the Swedish monster. That’s his colors, at any rate, complete with handy spots for motion capture, yet!

I quite enjoy wrapping presents. But then again I also enjoy washing dishes by hand. [insert “cuckoo” sound effect here] Probably because both are discrete tasks with a clear start and finish — which means you can draw a line under it and say “done!” Sure it comes around again, but you’ve accomplished something. Same goes for doing a medical procedure, whether it be simple phlebotomy, or putting in a stent (not that I put in stents, myself). Beats the hell out of “take this here statin pill, and we’ll check your cholesterol again in a few months”. It’s hard to close that kind of loop.

He does look Swedish! I wonder why I did that?! Swedish monsters, eh?!

I love it – so long as there’s only one and I can make it look sensational. I don’t like the Christmas flurry. I agree, it’s methodical and quite therapeutic. Maybe I should start a wrapping therapy! I reckon I’d be great at that!

“Fold here and …no that’s wrong – start again. Listening skills. OK.. much better. Stop whining, nobody likes a whiner.”
And it’s a wrap from Jules!

Saturday, Monday… what’s the difference. I mean, really? What’s in a name in 2021?
“The fucking bitch played her last card as far as I was concerned and now all I had to do was think of how I was going to kill her.” Great example to show my students how to create reader expectation. See, now I want to know exactly how she gets killed. Very uplifting if you ask me. Lots of people on TV I’d like to give a one-way ticket to oblivion.
Right. Let’s get wholly depressed about finding the meaning of life when we can’t bloody go anywhere and daren’t breathe in or out or hug your grandma…. I’m so fed up with this BS. It’s mass hysteria is what this is. Mass hysteria based on a blind trust in governments and not doing research.
Not to bread.
Don’t be accepting of this prison, Jules. Not for a friggin’ split second lest we’ll wake up in a full-blow-how-did-this-happen police state. That is NOT an exaggeration but a total disinclination to stick my head in the sand and do an ostrich. (No, I didn’t mean do an ostrich that way, though it would probably be more exciting than feeling the need to disown half your relatives.)
Corona didn’t get you fired. Corona has been around for at least over half a century. Managerial and governmental incompetence did the trick. And don’t you forget it. And a virus need is good PR – good wrapping, you could say… Speaking of which, I have never worn a face mask and I never will. I had corona and didn’t die in spite of my terrible lungs. No surprise there. Don’t believe the hype. I’ve been saying it for at least a decade. Yes, a couple of acres would do the trick, not to mention a big sign that says, “Trespassers will be coughed to death.”

Blue – I bet your students love you – I would have relished having a lecturer like you growing up.

I think those people you want to send to oblivion already reside there together planing the demise of all us little ants.

It really is quite astonishing how we trust the government considering we all know how corrupt the people in it are. Yet, we all have to function under some rule and go along with the majority – bitch and whine about it on our social media platforms but then…well, not really do anything. That’s the frustrating part.

I’m not very accepting of it at all. I find it stultifying. The problem is that there really is nowhere to go because it’s closed down. I spend everyday outside, no matter the weather but ultimately I am being totally controlled. What I’m used to no longer exists.

I bet none of this shit is happening in Bora Bora!

Love you, Blue – and I promise I’m listening.

Bora Bora has been No. One on my Bucket List Forever… I even checked on the COVID stats there… yeah, that’s one of the completely Mental things I do now to see if anywhere on Planet Earth is still Normal?

Hahaha! I’ll meet you there for a margarita!

We just had a list come out in the UK of where we can go on holiday from 17th May. Iceland. Awesome. However, I’m severely tempted just to get out of here. Soon as America is back on the list I’m outta here!

Becoming a Papery Princess, I can see it. Field of Dreams, with the size of them Dogs, they need a Field, stock it with Prey and you’ll save on the outlay of whatever gargantuan amounts they must consume of the Commercial kind. The Grandson had Reptiles for a few Years before he was Grown and moved out without them for a Year before he sent for what hadn’t Died on my Watch. Chameleon’s in a Desert, it seems, are not for Amateurs… poor Ivara, the Vet Bill was steep and then I went to a Curiosities Shop and had her Immortalized for him, to ease the Pain that Gramma had failed at keeping her Alive until he could take her to the Moist Climate of Washington State where she would have probably thrived. By the time he picked up Alduin, the Bearded Dragon, he was over Two Feet Long and bonded with me, but I never quite got used to worrying if he’d have a Bad Day and then everyone would have a Bad Day, or the outlay for live Bugs… paying for an Exterminator regularly on the one hand and then going out and buying sanitary Raised Bugs, seemed a bit Mental. I was relieved when Alduin made his trek to Washington to join his Humans, since The Grandson and his Partner, Allen, who is an Ex-Marine, would likely be able to handle him should he have that Bad Day I always feared? *Smiles* A Granny holding a Two Foot Long Male Beardie just always had it’s potential Risk Factors I figured… and not a way I wanted to Go to enter the Afterlife… the Epitaph would have been an Interesting Read tho’.

Well, like you were saying the other day, I’m trying my hand at papery loveliness and have built up a quality Insta following and put out videos and tutorials and all manner of pulp loveliness. Result? Nada. I’m sticking to writing.

They eat a shit ton. There’s a post further back with my monthly delivery. It’s total insanity. I also have a lizard called Kevin. He’s a grumpy uromastyx! I love little dragons! Kevin’s a vegetarian though so I don’t have to worry about dropping locusts – because I would.

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