Toe Be or Not Toe Be?

August 19, 2020 9:53am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 16 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

So, here’s what’s been going on…

Things opened up a bit, right?  Masks on, we ventured out and tried to get on with life a little bit more how we remembered in old Blighty.

To give us a little bit of a shove our government kindly decided to pay 50% of all meals out in a restaurant from Mon-Weds throughout August. As any true Brit knows -we can face anything if there’s something to be had for FREE.

Coronavirus? PFFFT!  There’s a free plate of steak and chips here! Hold yer breath! You’ll be reet!

Understandably, I’ve been taking advantage of this offer whenever possible. 

Best Foot Forward

Having become braver in this new world I decided it was high time I had my nails done. Mani/Pedi days were back on the menu and I booked in for some much-needed luxury.

Now, I’d normally frequent a little shop run by Asians – no booking required, cash only, cheap-as-chips for a good job done. However, it was pointed out to me that sanitisation of equipment in the said venue would not be happening – hygiene wasn’t the focus in the first place. With that in mind, I booked into a posh nail and beauty salon at twice the price.  Twice the price PLUS an extra £5.00 to cover the cost of sanitisation sprays used on all didgery -pokery- toolery.

Well, what a bloody ordeal. The PPE was overboard with masks and visas and hand gel and gloves. Temperatures were taken, names were taken, all sense of freedom was thoroughly taken. How on earth the beautician worked in all this regalia is beyond me. She told me that it had been like learning her job all over again.

So much for all the hygiene procedures because a few days later I got an infection in my big toe.  Never-not-once have I had such a thing in all my life. I contemplated asking for my fiver back. 

After a few days of this getting worse and walking becoming an issue, I went to the chemist to get a remedy. 

“Hey, I’ve got foot and mouth,” I said to the pharmacist. “Got any cream for this?” 

“Ooh… “*sharp intake of breath* “You need to go to the doctors with that – it’s infected.”

“This I know, dear pharmacist, but you must have a cream for it in the meantime?  I’ve been looking on t’internet and following advice from all and sundry – like using cortisone and Vicks Vaporub, which, incidentally, woke me up at 4 am with my toe throbbing like a bastard.”

“No – stop that at once. You must get antibiotics.”

The Quacks

I’ve not been to the doctors for ages and didn’t know if you could even go there in the throes of a pandemic. I called the gate-keeper receptionist and got straight to the point.

“I need antibiotics as a matter of urgency before I get gangrene” 

“You can’t come in.”

“No change there then.”

“The doctor will call you this afternoon.” 


To be honest, I much preferred having a chat with the GP on the phone rather than sitting in a waiting room for ages with a bunch of snotty, sick people. My prescription got sent immediately to my preferred pharmacy and all I had to do was roll up there and pay a tenner for my medicine. The pandemic has brought about some changes for the better and this is one of them. 

4 antibiotics a day for 10 days! Think twice before some posh totty fiddles with your feet.

However, doom-gloomers around me said that it could be an ingrowing toe-nail and I should get that checked out. Instilled with fear after reading about surgical toe procedures online I decided to contact podiatrists. The only ones prepared to take new clients at this time were the dodgy types. The types that answer the phone like this:

“Err…yeah, hello?”

“Is that Feet Feelers Chiropody?”

“Sorry?  Say again… hold on, love – Mandy!  Turn telly down. I can’t hear owt! – Sorry duck, what did ya say?”

“Umm… I’m just ringing about feet” (and regretting it severely)

“Oh, yeah. What’s wrong?”

“Just inquiring about ingrowing toenail removal…”

“OK. We have a couple of girls who can come out and do an ‘ome visit.  If there’s one there, they can gerrit out.”

“With an injection first, yes?”

“No, duck. We can drill into it if it’s a bit stubborn.”


Dear God. I know I live in medieval England but come on…

The Podiatrist

After bleating to my mother about the state of things, she went and found a willing podiatrist to look at my foot. His practice was in a very salubrious village known for its millionaires so I knew they’d deal with the situation competently. 

My mother drove me with a promise of a cream tea afterwards (50% off, of course) It was one of the hottest days of the year and we sat in the car park waiting for me to be collected by the footman in temperatures of 33 degrees centigrade – known to boil an Englishman on the spot. Ten minutes later a vision walked out of the door like a Hollywood actor in scrubs. 6 ft 3”, lean and muscular with dark hair and piercing blue eyes. Not that I noticed. But my mother did. 

“BLOODY HELL!” she shouted, way too loudly, staring wantonly at the footman.

“SHUT UP!” I whispered harshly, mortified by her outburst. 

There I was, forced to sit in a tiny room without air conditioning, mask on to make it even more oppressive with the added factor of embarrassment to ramp up the heat intensity. I feared near death.  And then he got out a big pokey tool and shoved it down the side of my toe to check for an ingrowing toenail issue. Brutal. If it wasn’t for the fact I was concentrating on filling out a form with my details, so intently that my eyes nearly bled, I might have kicked the foot Adonis in the face which wouldn’t have ended well. 

Turns out I didn’t have an ingrowing toenail and the foot fetish fellow recommended a good old smearing of everyday Savlon.  Something which the bloody chemist couldn’t even come up with.  

Here’s to keeping your feet on the ground. 



Leave a reply


What has happened to the universe when you can’t even get a mani/pedi without contracting a creeping reoccurring unidentified disease (CRUD)? And what new fresh hell is this that we can get an infection when we have been literally drowning in anti-bacterial EVERYTHING?

I have a solution: from now on I’ll “foot” the bill for a mani/pedi at the Saint Regis in Monarch Beach, California. It’s no less than your tootsies deserve 🙂

Right? It’s a disgrace.

Dean – I am thoroughly on board with this solution, you know me well!

The whole plague drama bothers me, and as I’ve commented on my own blog, I open carry a Colt 1911 (lawfully) and nobody tells me to put on a stupid mask…. not that a mask with an emergency clown nose is stupid. It’s just that even with the clown nose, I’m not inclined to wear a mask. But there is no place as infectious as a doctor’s office, so in the future, I might wear one there.

Yes, the situation is different now with calling-in to doctors here too. You just call, and they barf out meds. Which is better.

I’m sorry about your toe and all the other hassles that you’re going through, and your inability to get out to the range (in the US) to practice shooting things, but you have the wolf. If a wolf gets an infected toe, he licks it and it gets better….so you sort of have a portable antibiotic dispenser there. I expects that he licks other things too, but the curative properties of dog spit are well known.

The whole thing bothers me a lot, LL. I teeter between a bit worried to getting thoroughly pissed off with it all. I hate masks. I’m always forgetting mine, even though I have loads I keep misplacing them. I can’t be doing with it at all and want my life back.

Yeah, at least I have the wolf and he is fun. Not so sure I’d let him lick my toes though he probably would.

That sounds like a true ordeal!

Everything in my life is an ordeal, BW …

MARRY THAT DOCTOR NOW!!! especially if he’s Zach Braff.

reet=more difficult to pronounce than first thought…

the solution for your toe is to take the clotted cream from the cream tea, put it on your toe, and have someone suck it off…

Vicks Vaporub was the stuff in the ’80s! perfect to put on your chest at night for a tingling sensation. nowadays as adults we use Vicks Vaporub for other stuff…

I was a Medieval page in a previous life but I still could have avoided the drill if I had known about the electric toothbrush and the waterpik…

mah dahlin we’re dealing with fires over here. all the cars in the neighborhood are covered in a blanket layer of white-ash powder. that ain’t no mesothelioma!!!


No, my sweet – he probably loves himself.

Reet – say it whilst doing a big grin and give it some long ‘eeeeee’ – there. Perfect.

Oh no! Stay inside and ….wear a mask! *)

Toe be, or not toe be… why does anyone want to go into podiatry? That is the question.
I mean, who leaves school thinking “Feet! That’s what I want to do: I want to handle people’s horrible, smelly, gammy feet; I want to trim their grubby, misshapen nails ; I want to treat their bunions and scrape the fungus out from between their athletes-foot infected toes.”

Urgh. Give me proctology any day.

Precisely! Why on earth would anyone want to do such a thing? I think there must be an underlying fetish.

How do they eat their lunch? EWWWWWW!

Anal is much better.

My poor dear Julesy. Such an ordeal for you. If only I could have been there to help you through the pain.
Perhaps I can help you to avoid a future recurrence by sharing my pedi-method.
1. Take a Black& Decker palm sander with a coarse grain paper to rough out the thick callouses and remove the 1st inch or two of the nails.
2. Progressively work your way to a fine grit paper until you achieve the smoothness you desire.
3. Moisturize with WD40 for a supple skin and glistening nails.
I don’t do polish myself, but if you plan to use it you should probably not spray the nails with the WD40 as it may cause the polish to not adhere properly.
I hope this has been helpful
Always Here For You,
~Your PPS . 😘


I should have come to you first. How stupid of me. There’s no flies on you! And this is why you don’t get toe infections.

Do you know what else WD40 is good for?… I’ll leave that with you…

Thank you, mucker, you’re a genius Pensacola Podiatrist! X

If you would Dear Julesy, please send in an email inside of a plain brown envelope, a complete list of uses for WD40, along with detailed instructions.
I am stiff with anticipation!
~Your PPS ..😘😘

Who knew the PPS acronym would have so many meanings? Podiatrist, Porn, Petroleum….what’s going to come next I wonder??

I’m on it, PPS! 😉

* you know there will be many…*

A septic toe’s no joke but antibiotics do cure them, thank God. Here in Texas we’re supposed to wear masks to shop and enter a restaurant but you can take them off to eat, fortunately. And because it’s a desperate plague worth shutting down the ENTIRE COUNTRY the hospitals are empty. Grrrrr.

Too bad you can’t fly over, the Compound’s porch is remarkably Covid free.

We have to do the same nonsense here, LSP

I know. Wish I could. 🙂

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