Walking in a Whiskey Wonderland

December 12, 2018 8:02am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

 

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

And this week I have been challenged by my friend, Anniesu of Runswick, to get all of the obsolete words pictured above into my next few blog posts.  I have decided to go one better and put them all into one post in my Christmas story below. How Obsoletely Fabulous!  Enjoy!

Walking in a Whiskey Wonderland

 

Some festive advice for the revellers that be,
Take care of imbibing when the hours are wee,
For what tends to happen when you get merry pissed,
Is to find you’re an insufferable aeolist.


Yestreen as I sat near the fire and the tree,
A Christmassy fever came right over me,
Perhaps ‘twas the whiskey being rather first rate,
That put me in such a potvaliant state.


Oh, what a marvellous idea came a knocking,
That I thought t’would be fun to go out late night shopping,
Whilst the Great British public lay far and asleep,
I’d get me some pressies and food nice to eat.


Awhile and a bit I arrived at the store,
And ungraciously slid ‘tween automatic doors,
And all and at once was aware of my folly,
I’d forgotten to bring a pound for the trolley.


I looked round about for some friendly assistance,
To find not a human soul in existence,
Instead pranced some elves and toys on the floor,
And unicorns trotting down aisle 24


Before I could turn and make my escape,
A proper set- to began to take shape,
I found myself witness to hollers and cries,
And a food fight involving some flying mince pies!


I ran down the shoppe past the dairy and spuds,
And tried to take cover near great suet puds,
When all of a sudden I had quite a fright,
For a bounder appeared in smugglers so tight! 


Oh! What a bawcock! So dandy and slick,
Who went by the name of Sir Spotted Dick,
But before I could give him a right Yuletide snog,
The witch stacking shelves turned him into a frog!


The amphibian through the air did spanghew,
And he ended up squished on a Tiramisu,
I looked at the witchety-witch quite askance,
And cried, “Why did you kill my hero in pants?!”


“That blatteroon and despicable cad?
He’s the worst flipping boyfriend that I’ve ever had!,
You should be thankful I’ve done you a favour,
And saved you from a terrible known poodlefaker!”


“Everyone knows when you go late night shopping,
You only end up with tat in your stocking,
So my gift to you is to send you back home”,
And with a lift of her wand cracked it right on my dome.


The next I remember I woke rather late,
And to my surprise when I checked the date,
It was overmorrow and I’d missed a day,
I leapt from my bed to downstairs right away.


And then in my head and most uncontrolled,
Visions of a story began to unfold,
A shopping experience quite mad and surreal,
Was it all just a dream or something quite real?


But once in the kitchen I spied my old mate,
Sat proud on the counter in full apricate,
As the low winter sun shone through on his form, 
I regarded my menacing playmate with scorn.


My Achilles heel and anagapesis,
Who plays on my lips with sweet golden kisses,
You satanic fiend, I won’t be your whore!
Jack Daniels I do not love you anymore!


So please let this tale be a serious reminder,
Think twice before going on a one- to-one blinder,
Or you could be stuck somewhere ‘tween true fact and fiction,
Which brings this here ode to full satisdiction.


~Jules~ 2018




24 Comments

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One word darling. FAB U LOUS

Why thank you, darling! 🙂

Brilliant Work!
(keep in mind when dealing with Sir Spotted Dick – no matter his level of “excogigating”; no one matches the “brabbling” of Monsieur Toad-in-the-Hole!)
😎
– TC

Ha! Do you know what, TC? I very nearly put a verse in about toad in the hole but thought it might be considered too inappropriate for a Christmas tale even though it is one of our finest comfort foods!

And thank you! 🙂 x

Count on me…I’ll find the appropriate time for inappropriate behaviour! x
– TC 😎

We are as one! 🙂

bril. my three favorite frogs in no particular order are: Kermit, the Solitract Frog, and that other frog we won’t mention here

blatteroon: when you go to the bathroom in a balloon whilst playing Splatoon
apricate: to appreciate apricots
potvaliant: to be brave from marijuana
bawcock: a fine fellow with a huge cock
spanghew: see Solitract frog above

satisdiction: to speak only through indictments, not with your voice
anagapesis: a type of pasta. this is good but it’s no “saudade” (or “sonder” for millennials)
overmorrow: what a beautiful noble gallant elegant word! use it in a poem…everyone…
yestreeen: I like it but it sounds like latrine

aeolist: this is me! I’ve been searching for a one-word description of me to put on my driver’s license. made me think of Billy’s latest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36_4dx_0Qdk

some people don’t like Billy anymore…I still do, I can’t quit him…

*)

I love your definitions, my sweet! Gordon knows all about apricating.

Well, I like Billy’s latest – it’s magical. *)

From The UD——
Pressies :
Hand mixed and pressed chemical compound drugs.
“Yo, you got some pressies? ”
“I’m hella geeked on these pressies!”
SEE ALSO : #extacy#e-bombs#etabs#x#thizzies#thizzles#stunnas

So are we to assume you recognized Mr. Dick by his smugglers ? And, if so, was that the reason you wanted to give me…I MEAN ‘HIM’…a Yuletide snogging ?
Did the whole spanghew dealy cause anagapesis to taint our friendship ?
Please take into account that you were possibly under the influence of pressies and misread the situation.
I hope to hear from you by overmorrow.

Hoping To Be Forever Your Bawcock,
~PPS

Oh, and btw….A FANTABULOUS piece of writing ! You NEVER fail to entertain ! 🙂

NOT THEM KINDA PRESSIES! Tch! Talking of which, this year I’d like a redneck toothbrush!

I’d recognise Mr Dick anywhere, even if he spanghewed into my head when it was dancing with his sugar plums.

PPS, You will always be my bawcock, yestreen, overmorrow and forever. 😉

Thank you! x

It would be my honor to gift to you a redneck toothbrush. In order to avoid duplicity, please advise me on which colors and sizes you presently possess.

YAY!!
~PPS

Having had a thorough search through my collection for the last several hours, PPS, I can confirm that I don’t seem to have a small, slimline multicoloured one with spots. 😉

Hmmm…I’ll have to search around for that one.
Granted that in the past I have had an occasional spotted pink one, I haven’t carried a small, slimline one since I was in the 4th grade.
But it seems that with age comes a shrinking inventory, so who knows ?

Hahaha! But with age comes wisdom (teeth) no? 😉

Seriously, how do you do this? This magic trick? That would’ve cost me a month of headaches. …great suet puds is my favorite. What the hell is a redneck toothbrush? How is it you, a Brit would know, and I would not?

I have a gift for the ridiculous, M.

Suet puds are the best. Jam Roly Poly…mmmm! British puddings have the number 1 spot worldwide, in my opinion.

Well, it’s a cheaper version of a hundred dollar electric toothbrush cos Rednecks do it better. I know these things because I mingle with dodgy folk from the dark side 😉

Now that’s a smile you can take to bed! 😛

Splendiferous, Jules.
If that’s a word.
And if it isn’t… it should be.

I declare it a splendiferous word, Masher!

Thank you 🙂

I like that poem a lot and look forward to the video. You could shoot it at Walmart, then fall back to the comfort of your porch for a mint julip. “Julip” sounds like an archaic form of abuse but is, in fact, a kind of bourbon slush puppy.

Well then I want one! Sort out the porch staff, LSP! 🙂

Brilliant Jules!! This will keep me entertained for quite awhile, it’s not something you read just once 😂

Vicki! So good to see you here, you bootilicious babe!

Thank you so much! Happy to keep you smiling 🙂

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