Water,Water Everywhere – Get Me A Drink!

December 2, 2016 6:00pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 24 Comments

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Satirical Snapshots bringing you frivolity on a Friday cos…well.. Whimsy on a Wednesday got blown away by this….

WET WET WET

Remember them? I used to call them crap crap crap but that’s just me.

Rain. Relentless, thrashing down rain from morning to night for two days solid. That’s what New York had to offer on my final two days in America. Nice. Take me from the heady, high temperatures of Texas and throw me into a waterlogged city with angry people.

I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes

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Not kidding. The first thing I bought in the Big Apple? A brolly. The first and only thing. Not that it worked. Sideways rain has a way of finding its way through your jeans and plastering them to your legs and making you feel not very Marti Pellow mellow.

Brolly Wars.

This, people, is a real thing. Oh yes. At first my British politeness kicked in and I started to apologise to every passing umbrellist. “Sorry, oops. Oh, dear. Don’t mind me.”
That didn’t last too long. Even Mary Poppins can be a bitch.
YOU WANT A BROLLY WAR? BRING IT. How do you like that river of water tipping down the back of your neck you ignoramus? What? You nearly lost an eye? NOBODY CARES.
Have you ever tried to get through a swarm of people all holding brollies on 5th Avenue while the Rockefeller Christmas tree lights are about to come on? INSANITY.
My Mother and I took refuge in Macy’s. There’s nine floors in this store. I know this because I did ALL of them just to get dry.

Forward thinking

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Posh department stores in America think about rain. They don’t want it dripping across their polished floors. No. Having the the Chanel bird in high heels skedaddling across the floor in her high heels as she tries to spray you with ‘musk a la moment’ doesn’t look good. So what do they do? They give someone a job at the door handing out umbrella condoms. I’m serious.

“You got one of those for my body, pal?”
“No, Ma’am.”
“Hmmm. Can’t promise not to drip on your haute couture. Just sayin’”

My mother bought loads of stuff. I followed her around with essence of severe petulance.

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What did the shop pack her clothes in? Brown paper bags. How long do you think they hold up in torrential rain, eh? About half an hour. What happened next? Oh, they split and and empty their contents all over the pavement which is being tromped along by angry, east coast people. Great. REAL forward thinking Macy’s. Get carrier bags like everyone else before I come back and strangle someone with your brolly bag.

My temper was very, very frayed. Then I saw this man and nearly joined him.

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I couldn’t help but give him all my loose change because I appreciated his honesty.

I’m calling Trumps

“We’re going to Trump tower,” I declared. “President Elect is bound to have something to cheer me up in his golden tower.”

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I managed to get past machine guns, coppers, The News Crew and The Secret Service despite looking like a drenched vagabond. I ate a Trump burger and had a lovely glass of red wine. #MakeJulesGreatAgain.

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Heh!

Bit of a stretch

It came time to leave and I sat in the hotel foyer emptying my case in order to find something dry to wear on the plane. I might have been a bit stroppy and atrocious which made the doorman come and try to appease me.

“Can I order you a cab, Ma’am?”

“No. I’m getting an Uber. That’s how I roll. “

“Let me get you a nice car for the airport journey to make you feel better. “

“Fine. Knock yourself out.”

This turned up..

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Finally, someone gets it! However, as fabulous as this was have you ever tried to negotiate rush hour traffic, holiday lights and gold robberies in a LONG car? The forty minute journey to the airport took two hours.

My mother and I were flying back on different airlines. Each of us had twenty minutes before our flights boarded. Impossible. She got dropped off first, being Queen and all, and me after.

The queue to drop luggage off was very long. I looked for my prey. I spotted him in seconds in his BA uniform. Slight of build, hunched shoulders signifying lack of confidence, slightly balding and no eye contact. Perfect.

“For goodness sake you have to help me I’m so terribly late! My limousine has been two hours on the road getting here. My flight leaves in a minute and I simply MUST get home to London or there’s going to be a world crisis!”

“The desk is closed for that flight, Madam.”

“Then re- open it!”

“Follow me.”

Of course, they re-opened it.

“Now you have to rush me to the head of the security line, Sir. I have no time to waste!’

“Of course.”

I was marched to the front and arrived at my gate as my plane boarded. Seven minutes from limo to plane. Maybe this is what I should do in future?

And all of that would have been so worth it if my bloody mother hadn’t missed her flight. Not only missed it but ended up being delayed and thus resulting in me waiting round in the minus 3 LHR temperature for an hour and a half for her arrival.
Karma. Thought I’d left her back in Texas…

In the meantime, here’s a Rodeo video from Dallas Fort Worth. Enjoy that whilst I recover from my jet lag.

24 Comments

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I’m pleased that you survived the Big Apple Experience.

I always leave 4 hours early from mid-town to get to JFK in time to board the airplane. Just because.

Yeah well, Larry, that’s testament to my strength of character.

I don’t need to do that. I’ve learnt I can leave it right until the last minute. Act like a diva and they buy it. 🙂

I’ve tried that diva ruse, but never seem to pull it off. I think it’s my accent. “Hey, buddy, I’m in a hurry here. Can you get off your fat ass and help me out?’ And then out of nowhere, the guy starts bad mouthing my mom. Might be my timing, I dunno.

Hello Fredd! Welcome to the playground.

Well, I think it might be your tone but then I tend to find it’s more about the choice of victim. You can’t be arsey with those airport staff who have a superiority complex. There’s some real arseholes in the airport, I’ve met a few and you can’t hit them or anything. You have to choose those who you know are going to be easy to manipulate, go in with attitude AND a smile (that always fools them) and believe every word you’re saying. Chess. Works 9 times out of ten. Psychology 101.

Missing you at Texas Cowboy Church. I never liked New York City either. Take care and God Bless you. Janet

Missing y’all SO much, Janet. Cowboy Church is the bestest place ever. It’s the only place that makes me happy and nice natured for a whole two hours and maybe even longer as the high continues through the day! X

You’ve gone home, Jules? Surely you have so much more to do yet? I hope you will be coming back to the States again sometime soon. Always carry an umbrella twice the size of any other or alternatively, stay indoors.

Yeah, well. My public demanded it. Gotta keep folks sweet both sides of the pond and all. I will most certainly be back. Already having a big party organised for my Spring homecoming. #SemiTexan

Now that limo is just ridiculous! You could put a pack of baboons and a coconut shy inside it. A pink Rolls with a chauffeur called Parker would be more your style, Jules. Now you’re back in England, you can go back to using the pedigree brands.

I know! Imagine my delight, Mr. Gorilla Bananas! I felt like proper drowned swag. Yes, a pink one and I could pass myself off as Lady Penelope. Back to Range Rovers and Aston Martin’s now. Life’s tough….;)

Aww, if I’d known you were going to NY, I’d have asked you to get me some pants (it’s a long story, but knowing you, I bet you would have got me some).

Anyway, welcome home.
Nothing has happened whilst you’ve been gone.
Nothing at all.

Well ya shoulda said, Masher! You know I would have sorted that out for you. Though I’m curiously intrigued as to what you mean by pants. In Merrrica that means trousers but since you’re a British lad that means proper pants. Exactly what is it you were looking for? Don’t be shy, the people on here love a good story….spill it.

Nothing ever happens when I leave. Most boring.

Haha! You always find the most appropriate vids!

Funnily enough he looks just like the Macy’s brolly bag man…must have been how he landed the job! *)

I’ve always found that New Yorkers tend to react well to rudeness. “Please may I have a slice of pizza?” gets that “Who the **ck are you?” look, unlike “Give me the pepperoni!”

Did you notice armies of Brits on 5th Ave shouting “Yah!” into their cellphones? Maybe the rain kept that menace down.

Nice limo.

LSP, I did notice a lot of old school, yuppy style Brits as it happens! What’s that all about?
I never picked up on the rudeness before being used to all that in Blighty but since staying a long time in the southern states of late I really noticed it this time.

That’s the thing about Karma. You never can really just leave her in Texas!
What an adventure in NY. Too bad about that rain, but it made a good story. Thanks for the photos inside the Trump lobby! I’d watched the lobby-cam, but hadn’t seen what the camera and crew looked like behind the velvet rope. That’s quite an operation.
Glad you and mother made it home, all right. Hopefully, it’s not raining too much while you work through the jet lag!

Yeah, Grunt. She has powers that Karma bird!

There’s so many people in and just outside of TT it’s ridiculous. What I liked about the place is that it was very reasonable. Only $25 for a 3 course meal in a golden tower situated between Tiffany’s and Gucci. Nice one Donald.

Not raining here just bloody cold. Fire’s on.

Well, home again, home again. After a great, fun-filled trip.
And you even got to hone your shooting skills some more.
But, even though it was a great trip, I’ll bet it’s good to be
home and to sleep in your own bed for a change.

Sweet. Great to be back home and enjoying the English roll up to Christmas.

Bloody hell you were here. And just a few short blocks from my office. I could’ve shown you a lovely view. Rotten luck about the weather. Not appropriate for a proper row around a lake.

I can’t believe I missed that view! However, I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted us dripping over your posh office.

Weather sucked. Glad my initial visit was superb!

Let’s see what you’ve got in store for us today, Jules…. Even Mary Poppins can be a bitch… CHECK! Umbrella condoms… CHECK! You ate a Trump Burger… CHECK CHECK DOUBLE CHECK! And a rodeo… CHECK plus infinity!

Yes, I nearly fell off my chair.

Did I mention you’re the best? I did, didn’t I?

Hello Mr. Blue!
Right! CHECK!

I like it when you nearly fall off your chair.

Awww – and did I mention that YOU WERE TOO?!

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