Wee Are As One

August 28, 2019 1:45pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 15 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

It will soon be time for adventures now that the little wolfit is growing and allowed into the big outside in ten days.  

The truck is ready – the tramping gear is all sound. I have beds, cookers, tables, and hoo-yah off-roading wheels. The world is my oyster from Lands End to John O’ Groats.  

Bar one thing.

The Package

This little contraption was required to make all the difference.  

This 5” little plastic box will be able to transform and transport me into the fluidity of the future.

No. It’s not a lunchbox.

Nor is it a drugs container.

Or an ice pack.

What on earth can this vital piece of tramping gear be, you might wonder.

What A Tool

Pop off the cap and discover some some useful tools within.

A spoon for scoffing down one’s porridge? 

No.

A fake Unicorn horn perhaps?

No. 

A funnel from beer can to gob?

No. Not unless used first and once for this particular avenue of pleasure.

Don’t be Ri-DICK-ulous

This, my friends, is a Purple Plastic Penis. 

Also known as…

Shewee.

I can imagine eyes rolling to the back of heads right now as you read this but if anyone is going to have anything this ri-dick-ulous then you full well know it’s going to be me.  There’s no better person on this planet to test out the art of being able to “pee-like-a-he” than yours truly.

All Cock And No Balls

But dare I try it? 

There’s something a little scary about the Shewee that has stopped me from giving it a trial run.

As you can see, it has an extension tube. You can attach this so that your Purple Plastic Penis creates great envy by being longer than a French door.

Whilst I appreciate this has great sporting possibilities I’m not ready to take someones eye out just yet.  The instructions state that it may be best to first try out the Shewee in the shower incase of accidents.  

Err, no. Gross.

Urination does not occur in my lavender scented, pristine white shower cubicle.  I need to find a secluded spot outside in the woods and hope to God I don’t get reported by a passing jogger for flashing. 

Joggers are a colossal pain in the arse. They always happen upon you in the most random areas in the great outdoors when you are trying to have a wee. They must have special kind of non-twig-breaking trainers because you can never hear them coming  up on you. They whip past you like a nasty breeze.  

Silent joggers are probably the cause of many a splash-back mishap. It’s very difficult to remain unshakeable whilst crouched down to floor level, your feet (tiptoes to the point of calf cramping ) only allowed the stretching width of your knicker elastic whilst you try your best to balance on uneven ground with one eye on your angle and the other on the lookout for any creepy crawlies that might jump up your Dooh-Dah. It’s bloody stress central let me tell you! 

Hence the Shewee.

When I get round to having a go.

Baby steps. 

Pee-ple Skills

At the moment I’m practicing the art of carrying the Shewee around in my bag and using it in inappropriate or awkward situations as I do my Emergency Clown Nose. 

Arriving at a pub, taking out my sunglasses, my phone, my Shewee box and putting them down on the table next to my glass of wine creates a great ice-breaker. Or mass exodus.

My favourite of all is going to someone’s party or summer BBQ and saying, “Can I go to the loo?”

“Yes, it’s down the hall on your left, but I think Dave’s in there at the moment…”

“Oh that’s OK, I’ve brought my own!” I say, giving my hand a shake, the Shewee box clutched tightly.

I  pop the lid and remove  the tools, piecing them together as I wander down to the prize petunias at the bottom of the garden. Fortuitously, there’s always some stuck-up, sour-faced fun-sponge guest where I’m heading as I wave  the purple plastic penis in full, mighty extension in their direction.  Heh. You’d be amazed how quickly you get steered back to the bar or the hosts rather lovely en-suite – just for friends of course – where you get a splash of free expensive perfume from the dresser and a pee in peace.  

So, without actually even getting to watering the plants yet or revenge on silent, weirdo joggers, I can behave like a knob and turn a party around just by getting it out of my handbag!  

Looks like the Shewee is going to be a very useful and versatile tool. 

 

15 Comments

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I realize that it’s not fake courting tackle. I’ve seen them before. The model I’m familiar with is called a “go girl”. The design is similar to the shewee. It makes me wonder whether or not somebody patented the design? It’s cunningly simple…and I guess that it works.

You rolled your eyes, didn’t you, Larry?! I know you did!

If I ever get round to it, I’ll let you know if it works or not. Right now it makes an excellent pea-shooter!

Interesting contraption. Definitely, a conversation getter while sporting a clown nose.

Somehow I’m thinking “penis envy”. Lol.

Of course, I could be wrong. 🙂

Of course, Nox! I mean, it is purple and it is lengthy, right? I’m a bit intimidated by it. But I gotta get a jogger! Hahahaha!

where does the name Pee Wee REALLY come from?…

tell me more of the pintsized poo I mean loo!!!

it’s in the shape of a glass slipper…when I turned around, I saw a man named Prince Charming…he was rubbing up against his epaulettes…

I make it a point to pee sitting down. it’s dangerous otherwise. you know how World War I started? the “flashlight” story? the “flashlight” in the story was really the spray of pee between the Austrian-Hungarian and German world leaders standing to pee at the G1 urinal in the Balkans and they had horrible aim and the pee got in the other’s face

*)

It’s a mystery, my sweet.

I can’t tell you any more than I already know – this is a journey. No smoking whilst peeing and no wandering around with Yankee Candles. Aim like an archer. I have Sherwood Forest to practice in. *)

Ha ha! Now you’ll be able to join the guys at the pissoire in Trafalgar Square (and most of the other squares in London)!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd-y_k6rFTE

Well, I agree with that lady – how disgusting! I shall go there and frighten them all away!

If you attend sporting events and decide to stand shoulder to shoulder with the men at the trough because the line at the ladies room is too long, you need to advise the guys that it’s a “go girl” and that your part (even though YOU know it’s plastic) doesn’t have some fatal disease. Though these days, with 40 or so possible genders, and you can identify or un-identify with any of them anytime you want, maybe they won’t ask?

You could even instruct Tex the wolf-dog in the art of leg lifting if you’re inclined. He’s a pup and may need to learn to do it right.

I think I need to make up a new gender and demand my own lavatory. I need to give this gender name some thought – it must be outrageous.

Yes, I could get very shilled with the Shewee and do puppy training. Tex still crouches like a baby and this need to be addressed.

Well shit and shinola.
How many Shewees should Sheryl shove in her Sheshed should Sheryl shove Shewees ?

Shixty-Nine? Ha!

You’re jealous aren’t you – I can tell!

LUV YA, PPS! X

😛😜🤪👅 Shixty-Nine ? Shameful shlut ! ( I like that about you ! )

Jealous. Me ? HAH!
I can piss in the Men’s room without leaving my bar stool !

LUV YA BACK,
~PPS

I don’t know why but there’s something vaguely terrifying about this post!

Really? Expand…
Hehehehehehehe!

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