Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
It will soon be time for adventures now that the little wolfit is growing and allowed into the big outside in ten days.
The truck is ready – the tramping gear is all sound. I have beds, cookers, tables, and hoo-yah off-roading wheels. The world is my oyster from Lands End to John O’ Groats.
Bar one thing.
This little contraption was required to make all the difference.
This 5” little plastic box will be able to transform and transport me into the fluidity of the future.
No. It’s not a lunchbox.
Nor is it a drugs container.
Or an ice pack.
What on earth can this vital piece of tramping gear be, you might wonder.
What A Tool
Pop off the cap and discover some some useful tools within.
A spoon for scoffing down one’s porridge?
A fake Unicorn horn perhaps?
A funnel from beer can to gob?
No. Not unless used first and once for this particular avenue of pleasure.
Don’t be Ri-DICK-ulous
This, my friends, is a Purple Plastic Penis.
Also known as…
I can imagine eyes rolling to the back of heads right now as you read this but if anyone is going to have anything this ri-dick-ulous then you full well know it’s going to be me. There’s no better person on this planet to test out the art of being able to “pee-like-a-he” than yours truly.
All Cock And No Balls
But dare I try it?
There’s something a little scary about the Shewee that has stopped me from giving it a trial run.
As you can see, it has an extension tube. You can attach this so that your Purple Plastic Penis creates great envy by being longer than a French door.
Whilst I appreciate this has great sporting possibilities I’m not ready to take someones eye out just yet. The instructions state that it may be best to first try out the Shewee in the shower incase of accidents.
Err, no. Gross.
Urination does not occur in my lavender scented, pristine white shower cubicle. I need to find a secluded spot outside in the woods and hope to God I don’t get reported by a passing jogger for flashing.
Joggers are a colossal pain in the arse. They always happen upon you in the most random areas in the great outdoors when you are trying to have a wee. They must have special kind of non-twig-breaking trainers because you can never hear them coming up on you. They whip past you like a nasty breeze.
Silent joggers are probably the cause of many a splash-back mishap. It’s very difficult to remain unshakeable whilst crouched down to floor level, your feet (tiptoes to the point of calf cramping ) only allowed the stretching width of your knicker elastic whilst you try your best to balance on uneven ground with one eye on your angle and the other on the lookout for any creepy crawlies that might jump up your Dooh-Dah. It’s bloody stress central let me tell you!
Hence the Shewee.
When I get round to having a go.
At the moment I’m practicing the art of carrying the Shewee around in my bag and using it in inappropriate or awkward situations as I do my Emergency Clown Nose.
Arriving at a pub, taking out my sunglasses, my phone, my Shewee box and putting them down on the table next to my glass of wine creates a great ice-breaker. Or mass exodus.
My favourite of all is going to someone’s party or summer BBQ and saying, “Can I go to the loo?”
“Yes, it’s down the hall on your left, but I think Dave’s in there at the moment…”
“Oh that’s OK, I’ve brought my own!” I say, giving my hand a shake, the Shewee box clutched tightly.
I pop the lid and remove the tools, piecing them together as I wander down to the prize petunias at the bottom of the garden. Fortuitously, there’s always some stuck-up, sour-faced fun-sponge guest where I’m heading as I wave the purple plastic penis in full, mighty extension in their direction. Heh. You’d be amazed how quickly you get steered back to the bar or the hosts rather lovely en-suite – just for friends of course – where you get a splash of free expensive perfume from the dresser and a pee in peace.
So, without actually even getting to watering the plants yet or revenge on silent, weirdo joggers, I can behave like a knob and turn a party around just by getting it out of my handbag!
Looks like the Shewee is going to be a very useful and versatile tool.