Wetting the Bed

January 7, 2016 9:05am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 27 Comments


Lets talk about rain. You know that kind of rain where you think..hmmm…where’s my bible, I need to read that bit about Noah.

Now it’s not like I’m not used to this since I live in England but if you’ve been watching the news then you will see that there have been some horrendous floods on our island where pretty little northern villages have nearly disappeared and folks have had to be shipped out to a pub somewhere else. It’s raining so much that I’m wondering if the North Sea and The Atlantic may meet and flow down to the English Channel and we will be no more.

Incessant, relentless, pounding. Yes, I’m still talking about the rain. Accompanied with a fierce, north easterly wind that made it rain sideways last night.

Did I mention living on a hill? Well I do. Across the plains on flatland where every other road off runs downwards. Sensible. History will always tell you that living on a hill puts you in the best position from the enemy. But not rain, no. Rain is a cunning evil.

First of all my porch flooded. Even though I reside up high. I think the seal on the door gave up the ghost. OK, well, that will dry out, one day, when we have sunshine, I thought. Maybe some time in July. Then I heard a dreadful kind of whooshing and splattering noise from the back. The guttering was overflowing with water spilling out in bucket loads onto the patio and making a free swimming pool. OK, well just don’t go outside, I thought. No problem, it’s raining and it’s dark.

So, suffice it to say things were a bit wet but, ya know, it’s dry inside.


But then it started raining in my bedroom. Not just in my bedroom but on my bed. Yep. Drip, drip, drip came the raindrops from the cupboards above my pillow. Incidentally, a special space tested, memory foam pillow with bounce back technology that cost more than my best handbag. I have an issue with pillows but that’s another story – a bit like The Princess and the Pea.

I opened the cupboards above my bed. That was a colossal mistake as I got a free cold shower when it gushed out. All over me and the bed. Nice. Plus everything inside my cupboard was soaking. I found a half drunk cup of tea nearby and held it under some of the drips whilst I underwent that frozen panic of “Oh what to do” where your sensible, practical brain turns into putty and even counting to 5 is difficult. I thought about crying, I really did but then I’d only have to go and find another cup. I began to count the raindrops as they fell into the mug to gain focus and clarity. But focus and clarity aren’t as good as buckets and towels.

Sometime later after many cloths, Marks and Spencer’s fluffy bath sheets and other odd receptacles, I’d got a bit of control. Until rain found a different exit. At this point, me and rain were on worse terms than enemies.

I decided, and I have to say at the time I thought this was a genius idea, to get my umbrella. Opening an umbrella inside is considered bad luck but I figured that ship had already sailed along with the pairing of Gods’ creatures. I hung my umbrella upside down on one of the cupboard knobs so it could catch the drips. Turns out, umbrellas aren’t as waterproof as you might think. There’s a niche in the market.

Moving the bed was essential. A heavy framed bed, headboard and mattress. Have you ever tried to pull a lorry?

Sometime later after a twisted shoulder and I’m almost certain, a broken wrist, it moved a few inches before one side of the base came away from one of the posts. Clearly, the numpty’s at John Lewis who put this frame up, forgot to tighten the screws on that side and it collapsed. Of course, said screws need a specific Allen key which is….God knows where. I think and hope with all my might that the delivery men and assemblers woke from their sleep with their ears on fire after my new names for them. If not, they are going to get earache today.

Moving the bed has resulted in me not being able to open my drawers at the other end where my clothes live. It doesn’t matter because I have black bin liners under my sink which is the most sensible thing to be donning in this country at the moment.

I am deprived of sleep to the point of torture and now have to find a roofer who isn’t going to rip me off and doesn’t mind being up high in gusty wind and monsoons.

God help any buffoon who comes out with that repeated, non sensical, English comment in summertime, “I’m glad it’s raining, the garden needs it.”

Happy New Year.


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“now have to find a roofer who isn’t going to rip me off”

Good luck with that effort…I don’t think it’s possible. The guy will start of by giving you a worried look. That’s to set you up for the estimate, which will be roughly the same price as an AM DB10.

Once he’s into it, the price will go up as he will “find stuff” even if he has to beat holes in your roof with a hammer.

I’m sorry for your flood. We’re in the second day of rain in Southern California and the state is “bracing” for an unprecedented third day of rain. BUT we did have an earthquake yesterday…or the couple next door had REALLY good sex.

Oh I know it, Larry. No doubt my chimney (cunningly disguised as a sniper) will need re pointing and there will be so many tiles that REALLY need replacing and oh, it’s impossible to get these kind of tiles anymore…

Really good sex and an earthquake at the same time might be interesting.

Just back from my holiday break. Happy New Year, dear. So sad to see you in these dire straights. Things can only get better.

It’s a good thing we blasted a gigantic hole in the ozone layer. Otherwise, we would all be having this interesting weather. Water is bad for books. This post is absolutely choked with metaphors. And water.

Happy New Year – Imagine that said in a very sarcastic way like Richard Harris or Alan Rickman might say it.

We? You mean the Amerrrricans 😉

I don’t know what you mean, what with my flooded porch, bust seals, incessant pounding and not being able to get in my drawers, I have no time for implied comparisons. I have fiddlers on my roof.

“Incessant, relentless, pounding. Yes, I’m still talking about the rain. ”

Juju, of all the hospitable, charitable and compassionate associations I could and should make concerning your plight…the above comment unmanned and disabled me. What were you thinking 😉

Thinking? I lost the capacity to think, Dean. I too became utterly disabled in that moment.
We drifted o’er the harbour-bar,
And I with sobs did pray—
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep alway.
I need to get some rest tonight,
before my patience slip,
O let this blasted rain be gone
I really need some kip!

You know my summerhouse …,,,,,,…………………xx

Yeah, I bet that isn’t leaking! Make me up a bed, cakes x

Oh no! Sounds dreadful Jules. Sure hope you are able to find a roofer who has a shred of humanity. I remember living in Florida in a year with 3 back to back hurricanes…the contractors were greedy sods…to the point that many of them got into trouble legally. Lighting a candle for you dear friend. xx

It’s horrid, Tracy 🙁 Hmm…humanity in a tradesman……zzzzzzzzz….nope. Fell asleep trying! I don’t have one coming until Saturday and another on Monday, cos of course I need at least 3 rip off quotes. Looks like I’m going to be wet for a bit.

Thank you, I might need it to set fire to my bed so I can keep warm x

Come & live with me, got a newly equipped & empty house in need of occupants! The only snag its in the middle of nowhere.

I’m quite happy with the middle of nowhere right now. It sounds perfect! When you say empty, does it have wine in it? 😉 x

I guess it would be poor form to mention that down the hill, where neighbours can watch your tv the houses are so close, we were largely untroubled by the precipitation. I say barely troubled because I was awoken by the hammering against my window! Seriously, I’m sorry to hear of your water woes and I have the number of a good builder/roofer who I trust not to rip you off if you need it.

AnnieSu, I think the telly might blow up now so you’ll have to watch your own Netflix! I saved you by taking the brunt!

Yes please, I’d love it.

it’s been apocalyptic flooding here in Cali as well. which means it rained hard for ten minutes one day this week. everyone panicked and hunkered down in their basements. sales of waterbeds went up cos, well, there’s not much to do in a basement.

The Princess and the Pea horrified me as a child. that poor pea crushed to death under all those mattresses. when Mom told me to eat my vegetables i told her i couldn’t, for i had taken a vow never to eat another living thing again. i became a vegan that day *)

Ten minutes. I hope you’ve got your bathers ready cos this is looking serious with a capital S. I have a waterbed, oh yes. Home made.

I am that Princess *)

Blimey, you living in a colander?

Well, it least you won’t go hungry… with all those leeks.

Yes, Masher. I AM the washed out veg.

Leeks…sigh 🙂 You’re a card, you are.

Gosh!! Damn the rains! Any better now?

December last week we had planned to go to Lake District but cancelled due to the heavy rain and flood warnings…Well, I should have known better. That’s England, right?

Yes it’s eased a little..for a few hours. It’s coming back though. Ah, Aditi, the lakes are beautiful but at the moment it’s more like that one in Chicago that’s like an ocean! That’s England alright.

Oh dear, Jules, I didn’t realise you were in the wet zone. I wish I could lend you a couple of chimpanzees to patch up your roof with gum from the gummiest tree in Africa. In the meantime I’ll be doing my rain dance to lure the water away from you.

I want video evidence, Mr. Gorilla Bananas!

What she said 🙂

Of course you’re talking about the rain. Incessant pounding…. how about that? (That IS me talking to myself.) It started raining in your bedroom? Say it ain’t so! Oh I know what that is like, alright. Happened to me in 2007, big time, except for the cupboards… The bed collapsed? No kidding. Poor you The last time that happened to me was in the summer of 1991. It had a different reason, though (wink wink).

And now what?

Back in the summer of 91, eh?

Now what? now I got me a fine roofer coming out on Tuesday to have a look at repairing my faults. That should take a while. I think I’ll be skint but I’ll be dry and I may be able to get back in my drawers, which is something. 🙂

Yep, and she was Swedish too. No joke. Funny how you don’t remember your colleague’s name but you remember good ole 91 like it was yesterday (wink wink). Anyhooters, how’s the roof?

Yes BUT, what colour were here eyes?


Do you know when the roofer came? Shall I tell you? TODAY. That’s right. He’s been busy remembering the Summer of ’91.

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