Whimsy On A Wednesday

September 28, 2016 9:00am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 25 Comments

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Satirical Snapshots

Brings you ~ Whimsy on a Wednesday.

Because I like alliteration. Because I like whimsy and because…well, I’d rather like to change Wednesdays.

My people have told me that I need to be defined, dedicated and determined. See what I mean about alliteration? Apparently, that’s the done thing. I should be consistent. Post on the same day, every week about the same everyday things that I write about except I’m not allowed to call them everyday things anymore. From this point on, it’s Satirical Snapshots from the eyes of a British author. Don’t try and argue with me on this because I’ve tried arguing with them to no avail. I’m at the end of my tether. What is a tether?

Four things you’d never hear anybody say about me:

Compliant
Consistent
Conceding (to an argument)
Conventional

And yet…..here I am. Well I’m going to give it my best shot. So, If you need me, Wednesday’s the day. I chose Wednesday because I find them ambiguous as a weekday. You don’t really know where you are on a Wednesday, do you? Or maybe you do and it’s just me. I find you can’t really use it as a benchmark or guide because it’s just hanging around in the middle like a clinger at a party.

Am I up to schedule on things? Don’t know, it’s only Wednesday.
Should I go out tonight? What? On a Wednesday?
Is it nearly the weekend? No mate, It’s Wednesday.

So, I’m here to turn Wednesday into wild wonderment~ wasteful writing ~ wonderfully weird…. she says with a beaming smile.

Talking of teeth

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I went to the dentist yesterday.

My dentist is a real bitch but she makes me laugh.  She’s Polish.  Ever so blunt.  We had an argument about having X-Rays – It went like this:

“You need X Rays today as well as a check up and clean.”

“Why do I?”

“Because you’ve not had them since 2014.”

“So?  Why do I NEED them ?”

“Because there might be something wrong with your teeth.”

“But there’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“Cos I’d have toothache.”

“Not necessarily and you need them.”

“But I don’t want them.”

“So you don’t care about your health or teeth then?”

“That’s not what I said, but I have travelled all over America recently and been through so many X-Ray machines that I don’t wish to be over exposed for no reason.”

“So you’ll take on radiation for pleasure but not for health?’

“I don’t like you.”

“I don’t care.”

“How much is it going to rush me?”

“Nothing. All part of the check up.”

“Fine.  Take the bloody X Ray.”

Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with my teeth.

Next week

I will be reporting from the United States of America where I will be sleeping in New Jersey (and trying to avoid terrorists with guns) and I will have been galavanting round NYC eating very big apples (and trying to avoid terrorists with guns) before flying off to Texas (and trying to avoid lunatic lawyers in shopping malls with guns)

A rebel with a cause

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I will be in Merrrica for 2 months and I am going to try and see how easy it is for an alien to buy a firearm. Cos, I think I need one. Just to be on the safe side. And because if some nut job makes a dodgy move I can act all nice and English whilst slipping my gun out of my pocket, thrusting it into their loins and saying, ”You’re about to find out how true that statement is about English women having your balls for breakfast.” And if I can’t buy one I’m sure Cowboy Church will give me one.

See you next week. Put it in your diary. Don’t be late.

25 Comments

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A well-written read indeed…what, with it Wednesday and all!
?

Mornin’ TC! Well thank you, Sir and I’m happy that this very first whimsical Wednesday has seen that you’re well read! Look at me setting the stall for the day. All things bright and Wednesdayfull! 🙂

You have people? I want some people. Where can I get people?

“He said my teeth are okay, but my gums gotta go.” Alice Cooper

I’m fascinated with your lifestyle. Who else can take these giant chunks of time off and travel? Nobody. I hope to get to the bottom of it. Wear comfortable walking shoes. Travel light. Pray for sun.

You just acquire them, M. Collect them along your travels.

There are people out there who do way more than me. Nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough.

Comfortable shoes? I have killer heels or cowboy boots 😉

Two months in America? Seriously? Are you traveling around?
If you can’t buy a firearm, I have one I can loan you. Is Juliette your full name? It states she already has a gun.

Yes indeed. I need a break. I have a world to conquer.

My real name is Juliette, Sabrina Sterling, Awkward Annie, Bad JuJu Smifffff. However, I like to keep it simple for the postman with just Jules.

Juliette Has A Gun is my brand of perfume. Obviously I had to have it because of it’s name and because it’s terribly exclusive. So I tried every single one of their testers, blind, until I found my scent. I have “Miss Charming” and “Vengeance Extreme” – talk about meant to be.. And when someone asks me what perfume I’m wearing I can reply quite honestly with “Juliette Has A Gun” and they go away! Ha!

Don’t do what you have in mind, zoomie.
It would not only be a bad mistake.
It would be your last.

Dear Russian Sniper

What the hell? Whilst you may have security issues and think I am in need of the highest level of protection, I am most certain that nobody is out to do anything nefarious. I really do not think it is necessary or warranted to say the above. Whilst I appreciate your concern for my safety, I can assure you that I’m not stupid and have travelled far and wide.

I know vermin when I see it

I spent 3 months in America a few years ago. I had a gun pulled on me by a female cop in Boston when I walked into a police station at night to ask for directions and my mate was reaching into his bag to pull out his Lonely Planet guide book. Apart from this it was awesome.

I spent 3 months there 2 months ago. However, I didn’t get a gun pulled on me and quickly went to learn to play with them at the shooting range. I met nice coppers who allowed me to sit on their bike.
You never can trust a guy with a Lonely Planet guide ~ I”m surprised she didn’t cuff him and take him to her dungeon.

I think that Wednesdays are going to be a lot of fun around here. Been doing whimsical Wednesday on my blog for a little while now for the same reason as you are…definitions! Seriously I can’t define myself either and random doesn’t seem to inspire much confidence, plus whimsical just sounds more entertaining (which we are by the way).

And we do love a good bit of satire, and you do it so well. Keep it coming dear girl. When you come to see me, we may want to leave your gift from the cowboy church at home as dodgy is the middle name of more than a few characters in my fair little city. I’ll give you the choice of carrying either my mace or taser though. Imagine the two of us armed and roaming the streets. This place will never be the same Mwahaha!

When I saw that at your gaff it made me laugh! Definitions, schmefinitions, Blah. Why does everything have to fit into a box? Even when you’re dead. I think I’ll be stuffed and made into a coat stand. That should go down well at parties.

I plan to take entertaining up a notch when I land in your town. PLEASE let me have the taser! I’ve always wanted to have a go with one of those! New toy! 😛

learned:

* i still can’t spell Whensday.
* alliteration: it doesn’t make things better but it sure does look cool on the page.
* when i think of alliteration, i think of an alligator…
* i used to be a bastard. now i write instagram quotes.
* when you’re at the dentist’s, ask for the gas before you start any conversation.
* breakfast balls: R.I.P. Arnie. the King.
* wait, Juliette Has a Gun? mah dahlin you were literally born to own that brand!

*)

It’s Wednesdei, my sweet. That’s how you really spell it.
I totally was born to own that brand. I even got offered a job with them in Paris once but I don’t do real work…pffft! I do REAL work. That’s what I told ’em. In French, naturellement. Juliette avait une arme, tres dangereux, alors porquoi at-elle besoin travaille? *)

PS: I used to be a bastard. Now I just steal quotes. Well spotted…

Can you not throw in Mischievous Mondays and Flippant Fridays, as well?
It’s not like you’re busy or anything.

And Torturous Tuesdays and Thrash down Thursdays. Do you not think I’ve thought of that, Masher? If nothing I am one to circumvent rules. 🙂

Must go…busy, busy, busy….

And Wirecutter won’t be posting “Friday Fannies” or “Monday MILFs” for the next couple of weeks because of ‘puter probs.

What shall we do?!

I dunno. Fix the computer?

As we speak……..

Life in England is clearly to safe for you! Be careful where you point your weapon. Maybe you should shoot a few possums and raccoons to begin with. I’ve just thought of a good saying to give any pimps you meet in Harlem – ‘Wednesday’s ho is full of woe’. They might think you’re really cool and offer you a job as a brothel madam!

Haha! Wednesday’s ho is full of woe – right – I shall try and get that said. Obviously on a Wednesday. A brothel madam – I’d excel at that job. However, better in Mayfair rather than Harlem!

Good work!

Ah, guns. Let’s go for a shoot and… #porchlife beckons!

I’m glad to see that my 4-year-old blog posts are still bringing traffic, LSP!

Can’t wait for some porch life! X

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