Y’all Can Go To Hell And I Will Go To Texas

July 25, 2018 9:39pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 25 Comments


Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

As you can see from the title, that’s kind of how it went. Last Friday I took a last minute flight back to Houston, Texas and kept it all very top secret. If I tell you why I’ll have to kill you and I don’t want to be having to do that to my friends now do I?

And, people I know in America who I haven’t told:  you might have noticed random phone calls from a Texas number that you think is a robot call.  Ha!  It’s not, it’s far worse. It’s me.  So answer because I’m not leaving a message.

Leaving The Heatwave For Hotter Than Hell

British heatwave tabloid cover

Great Britain is still experiencing a continuous heatwave. I have forgotten what rain looks and feels like.  Me.  An English bird. It’s just not right but I ain’t complaining.  However, there’s hot and there’s insanity ~ AKA coming to Texas in the height of summer.  

I’m told by the locals that Texas has 4 seasons:




Get the **** outta here

I can only describe it as like opening the dishwasher when it’s just finished and it knocks you off your feet with scalding steam (You won’t understand this, Masher, what with your aversion to dishwashers and all )

Someone Call Security

I got off the plane to a blanket of fire. At evening time. I was then shepherded into the never-ending weaving line of people at security.  They make it look like you’re only five rows deep in the cunning way that they snake it around until you realise there are seventeen million people in front of you. To further taunt you, they only open two stations out of twenty so that it takes a full two hours to get to the end. Obviously a ten hour flight isn’t long enough.  Trapped within the sweaty, aeroplane smelling, fractious hot bodies of your fellow passengers with sleep deprivation and near heat stroke is not funny. I very nearly kicked off. I was bordering between hysteria, crying my head off and an atrocious outburst. Having been dragged through customs police checks before because I’m ‘oh-so-nefarious’ helped me keep some sense of composure. 

And then, eventually, before somebody dies,  you get to the man with the power and have to try and think.


Huh? Forgot. Been standing here so long all the blood has pooled to my aeroplane swollen ankles.

Why are you here?

Beginning to ask myself the same question, pal.  I could have driven to Timbuktu and back in a Rickshaw in less than the time this has taken.

Where are you going while here?

Actually, it’s whilst but I don’t want to get into a pedantic competition. I’m probably going to book myself straight into the nearest mental institution.  And then find ways to improve international airport security. 

When were you last here?

Hard to tell. I think I met myself coming back.

How long are you staying for?

Depends how long I’m going to be stood here. I might have run out of visa in about ten seconds.

Are you carrying any vegetables? (What kind of a question is this?  It begs to be answered with the same stupidity)

My brain.

How much money are you carrying?

Shall we have a gander and see if it’s enough to bribe you to let me out of here?

What is your interest in The United States of America?

I’m here to study the beneficial health aspects of Velveeta.

This is everything I WANT to say but don’t.  

I eventually made it out the other end where I was collected and taken straight for a Grey Goose Lemon Drop Martini.  I have to say that it was the best cocktail I have ever downed in my life. 

Sometimes in life, you just have to step down and take it.

Step Down sign on table

It was written on my table at the restaurant so I’m taking that as a sign.

coffee mug at Denny's 

And there’s always hope at the end. 


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Velveeta is used for fishing.

Cheese Whiz is used on crackers, which you call biscuits. And to us, biscuits are the same thing as rolls.

But welcome to the United States of America and to the Lone Star State. It’s the hot time of year here, but I’m sure that the people at the Cowboy Church will give you an even warmer welcome.

Well, I feel sorry for the fish. Is that so they taste more cheesy when you cook ’em up?

I’m on the hunt for my heart attack potatoes, Larry, never mind all the other malarkey you make up 😉

They did. I went and surprised them! 🙂

Keep cool my darling head in the fridge for 3 minutes helps. 38 degrees over here tomorrow but that’s probably cool to you! Chavs will be swimming in the fountains whilst I’m keeping cool with homemade Rhubarb gin. Have fun x

Yeah, you too! I think you’re on par with Texas at the moment! What is going on? Without air conditioning it’s not in the least bit funny.

Enjoy! Rhubarb is very good for you 🙂

You’ve been ‘ GOOSED’?! Heck of a thing 😉

Hahahahaha! Miss ya mate. I even read that in “The Voice” ;P

Texas is hell to some, especially in August. Hadn’t you been there in the heat of summer?

Hot bodies can be kind of great, but not on a 10-hour flight. Definitely not then.

Do they really ask how much money you have? That’s so American!

You are correct. Where there’s coffee, there’s hope.

It’s insanely hot, M. I don’t know how people survived here back when there was no air-con. Ugh… It’s my first time in proper summer. I normally come in Spring or Autumn.

Yes, they really ask you this. If it’s over a certain amount you must be laundering. Obvs.

Coffee-pancakes-eggs- and especially BACON! Your bacon is the best.

I got a rookie border control officer one time when I had gotten in after midnight. They were making him ask every. question. ever. as part of his training.

He and his supervisor seemed to have a sense of humor about it, though, so when he asked if I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash I just laughed and said, “I wish!” like I’d always wanted to do, and they laughed too and sent me on my way.

Shame it can’t always be that pleasant.

The questioning is relentless. It makes me want to be sarcastic but that would only end in tears. Mine. And plentiful!

I might write an e-book on it since I’m so skilled at it now!

Nice to see you, Nut 🙂

Oh, that was you that called my phone??? Who knew? You should have left a message. Like you said, it looked like telemarketing so I didn’t answer it. 🙂

Travel safe.

Everybody is thinking the same, Nox. I like to irritate! Hehehehehe…

Thank you 🙂

speaking of dishwashers, I haven’t done my laundry in ages. I love my dryer, I sit on top of my dryer when it’s rumbling like that for hours……

“Velveeta cheese” is Chinese code for plutonium. we’re all doomed, China can play the waiting game, they’ll just wait us all out and eventually win. MEANWHILE the real threat is Goofy. I mean what kind of dog has a pet dog? we must save Pluto from Goofy! the Mission will be called Operation Plutonium

please tell me you were at an IHOP and ordered Moons Over My Hammy. IHOP no longer serves pancakes, they serve burgers and changed their name to IHOB. it’s gonna take about a decade or so to change all the IHOP signs around the world


Sitting on top of dryers is very good for reducing cellulite, amongst other things, my sweet…

I’m in for Operation Plutonium. I’m very good with dogs and have had lots of practice of late. I can save the day. Can I bring Kevin?

No, I was not. I was in Denny’s and they did have Moons Over My Hammy! *)

Yahoo! You’re back in the Margarita Hemisphere again! Welcome back, Darlin’. Sorry about the ordeal on the way over, but I’m about to feel your pain in just a few hours when I catch a redeye from Mountain Time back to Virginia Time. It won’t be as long as yours, but the sleep-deprived people smell the same, and my aching butt will not forgive me, either. When I was in Dallas last Saturday, the high temp was 107 degrees, and Houston is worse. You be careful there. That’s spontaneous combustion temperature.

Oh Yes, sir! I heard that it was Tequila week so I didn’t want to miss out!

The temperature is insane. I don’t know how to describe it with words but I’ve invented some new noises! Still, it’s never too hot in the bar, eh Grunt! ;P

Jules, it is stupidly hot here.
And you have stupidly gone somewhere that is stupidly hotter?
That’s just stupid.

Anyway, I maintain that dishwashers are just the start of mankind’s descent into lackadaisical dormancy. We’ll end up a world of idle, apathetic fatties, unable and unwilling any more, to take on the simplest of household chores.

Now, you will have to excuse me, as a man has just turned up to clean the oven.

I know! You now reside in Hotland!

Actually, I’m smart because they have freezing cold air con here. Best you’ve got is a dodgy fan from Asda if they haven’t all sold out ;P

I take it you clearly don’t do the pots but have the task of cleaning the oven? Now it all makes sense, pal!

Welcome back to Merica Julesy. Why you’ve picked the south in the dead of summer, I haven’t a clue.
As long as you’re here, I’ll impart upon you some of my fine-dining establishment “Dos & Don’ts”
DO –Look for buffets that offer this option :

DON’T —Eat anywhere that don’t offer these options on the menu :

Making anonymous phone calls during political fund raising periods will get you an answering machine every time.
Love Ya,

Why thank you, my PPS! <3

I like to test myself and see how much torture I can take. I think I’ve burned the skin from my eyeballs just looking out the window.

Wow. Liquid gold. That’s not how I remember that particular product though. Perhaps one should take it after dipping your dodgy vegetable in that, errr, rather odd looking fountain, just to knock out the memory!

SPAM! Gives you devil dogs and onion flavoured rings…

Hahahahaha! That’s proper funny! And, it has put me off eating for the rest of the evening. Viva Velveeta.

I hope you have had a word with your stodgy old moderator about holding up MY comments for scrutiny . THE NERVE !!
I’m assuming the ‘Liquid Gold’ you are familiar with can be found in definition # 3 of the infamous Urban Dictionary :


A word? I went totally hardcore torturous! “Don’t you ever do that to my PPS again or next time I’ll set him in loose on ya.” I noticed the wince and the tremble in their knee…”Yeah, think on. A budgie smuggling onesie wearer with a passion for Velveeta cheese fountains ain’t gonna be the way you want to slip off the dish!”

I don’t think it will happen again, mucker 😉

I don’t know about “Velveeta” but I do know that Houston in late July/August is a place people take a vacation from. But why? It has the DALEK. Which every sane person loves.

Even the Dalek is struggling. He’s shiny for all the wrong reasons. I reckon he’s got heatstroke, bless him!

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