Comic Relief

March 24, 2017 4:01pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 11 Comments

Red Nose Day

I’m here to inform you, as High Priestess clown,
To put on a smile and iron out your frown,
For today is all about things that are funny,
And to get you to part with some of your money!

My money, you say? Why should I do that?
I need a vacation some shoes and a hat,
The car needs repairing, there’s decking to paint,
I’ve a lot of expenses, I must show restraint!

If I buy that kid’s cake or drop change in that pail,
I can’t buy that frock in the John Lewis sale,
It’s not that I mind all this ‘Red Nose’ hilarity,
But I haven’t enough to donate to charity!

Forgive me, I didn’t know it was so antiquarian,
To behave in a manner that’s humanitarian,
If you can’t give one coin to help combat world famine,
I think it’s your morals you need to examine.

For those poor little poppets so fit and so able,
Who have a warm bed and food on their table,
A quid is not much for somebody in need,
My my, how do you live with your greed?

So give thought for those beyond your front door,
For you have so much, so much and more,
Make a change from your pocket and give up a treat,
For it’s not you who’s walking down Poverty Street.

JS

Make Your Laugh Matter

 

 

Vernal Vivacity

March 22, 2017 12:21pm Published by Jules Smith in Satirical Snapshots 21 Comments

Spring Leaves

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday

Equinox your socks off

The first day of Spring and World Happiness Day coincided this week. To make it extra challenging, the temperature dropped by 7 degrees and it lashed it down with rain. All day long. Thanks America for passing on your east coast storm. That put pay to the new blossom on the trees.

World Happiness Day (whatever that is)

International day of happiness on a freezing, wet and dismal Monday. What is that all about? Since there seems to be some random day for just about anything, I declare today, “Jules Day” How’s that for whimsical? This is celebrated by sending lavish gifts to any Jules you might know. Especially the first Jules that told you. Oh look, that might be me. Failure to acknowledge this day and not dig deep into your pockets will result in extremely hideous karma for the rest of your life.

Double Fault

I ran out of milk. On World Happiness Day. Very bad. I desperately needed a cup of tea. I looked out of the rain splattered window and wondered whether I should just have a hot chocolate. But no. That would not be conducive to my healthy eating plan and the fact I’d been fighting with machines all morning. What I really should be doing is walking to the shop but unfortunately my activities blessed me with a torn tendon in my foot and tennis elbow.

Tennis elbow? You play tennis too, Jules?

No. I don’t. I can’t recall if I got it from sit ups with a kettle bell and a demon fitness trainer standing on my feet shouting “COME ON!” whilst I tried not to puke on my Nike trainers or, from my recent boxing lesson and three rounds with a huge bag. Walking to the shop would ruin my street cred if I limped in public like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. And it wouldn’t be fair to my car.

CAR pe diem

I live on a main thoroughfare. For some reason, like, I don’t know, the council have to spend all their money before April, there were roadworks. My street was jammed. I inched out and gave death stares to vehicles blocking the exit from my driveway. As it happened, a truck driver let me out almost immediately. Win. Except then I was stuck in a traffic jam that led all the way to the shop. However, a few hundred yards up on the right there’s an avenue that leads to a different shop. The only oncoming traffic was a BMW about equal distance away. No road cameras in sight. Game on. Sport mode, full revs and off I went on the wrong side of the road. It was a face off between me and the beemer like a Top Gear special. I got more adrenaline from that than thirty minutes on the cross trainer and made it round the corner without dying; narrowly missing the middle aged lady and her soggy poodle.

Crying? Over milk?

I entered the little local express shop and grabbed some moo juice. Fat free – basically chalk water. As I turned the corner to the till section I saw a man in his late fifties crying his face off. One of the cashiers had come from behind the counter and was hugging him as he sobbed, violently.

I looked around for cameras. Just my luck that I’d probably walked in on some “Surprise, Surprise” TV show where long lost relatives get reunited or something. Sort of stunt they’d pull on World Happiness Day. I got my boxing stance ready incase I needed to deck a TV presenter but it turned out this was for real.

“Oh, hush hush, “ said the cashier as she hugged the man.

“Blah, Blah, Merrrrrrr..” cried the man. Loudly.

After about five minutes the man left. Still crying. The cashier trotted past me back to her position wiping snot off her shoulder with a tissue.

“Is that how you make all your customers feel?” I joked.

Whooosh – straight over her head. No room for humour on World Happiness Day.

“No. He doesn’t like rain. It makes him cry.”

Obviously and inappropriately I burst out laughing.

“No, seriously. It makes him hysterical.”

“Errm…well, you think he might’ve moved from this country then, “ I said. “If he’s gonna cry every time it rains he is at risk of life threatening dehydration.”

“He has……difficulties.” She said the word ‘difficulties’ in a hushed voice as she looked around furtively. You never know if PC language police are in Tesco shopping for milk.

“Oh. That’s a shame.”

“Yes and he has very poorly feet and elbows too.”

I know I shouldn’t have, I wasn’t thinking and I was merely connecting dots. “He didn’t used to go to the gym, did he?”

Exercise With Demons

March 15, 2017 5:14pm Published by Jules Smith in Satirical Snapshots 24 Comments

Female Changing Rooms

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday.

I come here today to tell you the importance of regular exercise and the endless benefits.

The Gym

The Hour of Power

Believe me when I say this is the longest hour or two you will ever experience this is the most important hour you will have in your day. Here’s what to do:

Get yourself a gym partner. Choose wisely. Having a flaky friend who can’t be bothered to get out of her pit in the morning won’t help you. Find a demon. Preferably a young, fit, sporting champion with no empathy button.

Here’s mine. It takes no prisoners.

muscles, training

Up before the cock crows

And I’m not talking about my fitness partner…

Apparently, to promote sickness, mini strokes and mood swings metabolism, higher energy levels and mental illness capacity, going to the gym early morning is the answer. This leaves you the rest of the day to feel like crap burn calories and get on with a full working day.

Arriving at 6.45 am you will note that the gym is full of very stupid people with personality disorders A type, high achievers who are there to become better than they were yesterday. Rubbing shoulders with the elite helps you climb the ladder of personal success. As you can imagine, I fit right in with those sort.

The Establishment

The Gym

Most important. Your gym should be inviting, encouraging and full of torturous high tech equipment. Paying through the nose Investing in a leisure type facility which nurtures health from many angles will pay havoc with you ever trusting anyone again dividends in the future. You can’t put a price on how many bottles of wine you could have bought for that health and fitness.

Car to drive away in, Car diac arrest, Cardio

Cardio, Crosstrainer

Warming up those sleepy muscles on some kind of S&M device a cross trainer or cyco machine static cycle is imperative. Pulling a muscle is a good idea and means you won’t be able to come back for ages at this early stage will mean you can go back to having fun put you weeks behind. And you know that having the honed and toned body of a super model is readily available from plastic surgeons only going to happen if you work hard for it.

Regular Commitment

Fitness Swimming Pool

Make a regular commitment. Your demon fitness partner should encourage a completely insane and relentless schedule daily visits with only Sundays as a day off. A daily routine will soon put you in a suicidal mood  habitual pattern. You can add variety to your workouts by training different areas of your body and like you haven’t done enough already  you may even add a swimming programme to warm down thereafter. Remember that core training exercises are pure evil paramount and feeling like your intestines have been ripped apart working hard on your abdomen will bring fast results.

Diet and Relaxation

Leisure centre cafeteria

Going to the gym is only one part of the picture. Oh whoopy doo. Your diet must be high in protein and low in carbohydrates because eating cardboard is so much fun to help reduce the will to live your BMI.

Granola, fruit and yoghurt

If you have chosen a luxurious leisure centre they will probably have alcohol free healthy bar and cafeteria areas offering shit made with spinach smoothie boosters and low calorie, healthy foods. You can relax in a Nazi Camp health conscious environment and take several more hours to munch through granola and berries eat a vitamin packed breakfast before leaving.

Taking time to relax properly is also important. Going to bed by ten o clock at night since there’s no point staying up and making the day any longer or more boring and getting a good nights sleep even though everything hurts like hell and even if you wanted to have a margarita you’re in too much pain to lift the bloody glass will help your muscles recover, your energy levels improve and have you crying like a baby raring to go by 6 am the next morning.

Leave on a positive note

gym locker

After your training regime always remember to punch thank your fitness partner. After all, they are doing this because they’re psychopathic for you. Try not to limp to the car to bask in the afterglow of your workout and as you drive home like a sanctimonious bitch, smirking at the people who haven’t worked out yet give yourself a pat on the back for your achievement.

Stay focussed

Marcus Aurelius quote

Don’t go back to bed lose your way throughout the rest of the day. You’ll find that after time life’s too short for this you will feel much better and more energetic than you ever have done before. Lose Keep your mind in a positive state and if you feel negative thoughts coming on have some cake read positive statements and encouraging words Like that of ‘Marcus Aurelius’ above, and you too can feel like the Emperor of Rome in no time!

Want more?

Load another!