A Rural Rodeo

May 17, 2017 2:05pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 22 Comments

Colorado Hiking

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I left you all in the lurch last week because I was too busy enjoying myself on my rural rodeo.  Sometimes, a city chick needs a hiatus.  Besides, you can’t miss me if I’m here all the time.

So, I’m back in the good old US of A and here’s what I’ve been up to:

High heels?  Replaced with hiking boots and obviously cowboy boots.

Dior?  Lose it.  Only attracts mozzies.

Hairdryer and straighteners?  Not tonight, Josephine.

 

A pound ain’t sound unless it’s holey.

I arrived in America with new pound coins.  Well, naturally I had to have them shot because I had an idea.

So,  guns out…

Shooting Guns

Blast out the middle…

The New Pound Coin

And make this…

Totally original, one off boot straps with shot up moolah!  Who else has these?  That’s right, nobody.  I’m selling them for several hundred dollars if you want one.

 

The girl gone got herself a horse

Horse riding

My horse confidence has grown tenfold.  At a ranch in Texas, I was taken out to ride and told that first off, I had to go catch a horse.  I nearly died of fright.  I then had to learn to brush its mane and tail, check the hooves and walk behind it.  This wasn’t funny.  That’s called dicing with death.  I then had to tack it up and walk my horse around before getting on and learning more riding skills.  Afterwards, I had to wash my horse down.  I’ve noticed that there’s always a pay-off for enjoying yourself:  Shoot guns – gotta clean them.  Drink margaritas – get a headache. Ride horses – have to wash them.  Life’s very unfair.

At the end of which,  my horse walked next to me without me even holding the reins.  Totally bossed it.

 

Colorado Rocky Mountain High

The mountains were calling so off I went.  Back to Colorado.  This time, Vail.

Vail, Clorado

Colorado

No running.  Really?  You can’t even walk in this place without your lungs collapsing so there’s no danger of running anywhere!  Breathing in the mountains is very difficult and as much as I love this beautiful place, I am in a constant state of anxiety about suffocating.

The North Trail, Colorado

So,  what better thing to do than spend 4 hours walking up and down a mountain on your first day?

But what a view.

I don’t think people who live in Colorado are allowed to be unhappy.  How can you be miserable when you get up and look at this scenery every day?

 

Them dirty old trucks

On a totally separate note, I’m totally done with posh cars now.  I’d happily trade mine in for this one.  I LOVE it.  WANT it. NOW.

Right,  I have a hike to do.  Torture reigns.  I’ll catch up with y’all soon, in the meantime, behave yourselves and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.

 

 

 

 

No Foalin’

May 3, 2017 3:50pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 18 Comments

Horse Riding

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Whoa!

Steady on with the excitement because I can tell you right now I‘m about as whimsical as a dead Duracell bunny.

But, talking of horsey commands…

Just let your feet go clipetty clop

I stayed on my horse and survived. Obviously, since I’m writing here and now. But, you’ll be glad to know it’s not from a wheelchair, though my ability to walk has been severely hampered.

Why?

Riding a horse is like doing squats for an hour on a moving object. Going to the gym is easy work by comparison. Apparently, you can’t just sit on a bobo and lose yourself to the wonders of the wilderness. You are required to work. Hard. You can see why cars were invented.

There I sat, straddled across “Marge” the dapple grey in a field full of children. Kids who were cantering and galloping around without an ounce of fear.

“Yeah, but you can’t make a knockout, Spaghetti Bolognese, can ya, kiddo?” I said to the girl holding onto Marge because she was being stubborn. Naturally, since it’s my horse it didn’t want to behave.

I couldn’t possibly show myself up in front of children as an adult and moral guidance to future pioneers, so, I went up and down in that saddle until I went numb with pain.

Filly girl

That wasn’t all. I steered through cones, walked alongside a plank in an awfully bad straight line and learnt to trot all in lesson one. Not only that, in the second hour, I went on what is known as a “Hack” AKA Trotting through the woods where mad people walk their pitbull terriers and tired, screaming toddlers. Horses just love that.

Did you know that you must lean back when going down hill cos you might fall over the horses head if you don’t? And, you have to stand up in your stirrups (despite insane thigh cramping) when your horse goes for a wee.

Mounting mare

I don’t believe I have ever been so ungainly in all my life. The first time I got on the horse I nearly went straight over the other side and landed on my head.
Getting off was even worse.
“Take both feet out of the stirrups, Jules”
“Both? Don’t I use my left one for ballast?”
“And what if the horse runs off with your foot still caught in the stirrup as you’re getting off, Jules? Then what?”

Nag, nag, nag… sheesh.

I basically fell off. I have seen sacks of coal delivered more elegantly.
I will, however, master the art of being one with a horse if it kills me. Though I’m hoping it doesn’t. At least over here I get a hard hat, which let me tell you, someone like me needs.

Talking of headaches…

Video star

I am currently trying to record myself for some work I’m doing. This involves talking over a video presentation like a boss.

Ha!

27 attempts at the moment and still no recording.

Do you know how hard it is to read without sounding like you’re reading? Can someone explain to me why just at the point of recording I develop a speech impediment?
And, is it OK to have homicidal feelings toward the Amazon delivery man when he knocks on your front door with a parcel mid-recording? Or visitors that knock on your window to get your attention when they can see what you’re doing? Is it wrong of me to kick an inanimate object like the washing machine when it goes into turbo spin mania? Or throw rocks over the wall at the garden centre next door when they have a skip delivered that shakes my house to its foundations mid-recording? Or curse Siri on my phone when he randomly asks how he can help me OUT LOUD for no apparent reason?

So help me God.

Next week I shall be reporting from sunnier climes and may be in a more convivial mood.

The Malocchio Of Bodie ~ A Western By Jules Smith

April 30, 2017 8:28am Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 10 Comments

The Malocchio of Bodie

 

The Blurb

The Evil Eye “Malocchio” seems to circle Alonzo Augusta, especially when he arrives back in the town of Bodie to capture the heart of Estelle Winburne. But the girl he is sweet on is protected by the big men in town who are hell bent on having the broody ‘Eye-Tallion’ put in the ground. Under suspicion for the gold robbery on Dutch Schmidt, Augusta finds his real friends come in the form of a black magicker, a dry goods sourpuss and a Mormon blessed by God. But can the unlikely underdogs win the day and save the girl when it comes to a shoot out along the gold road?

 

What’s in it for you?

This isn’t just any western, this is a Jules Smith western which means this: 
A gripping, page-turning story filled with crazy adventure that will whisk you away to the freedom of the wild west and ravage you with romance, danger, duplicity, gun slingin’ and consequence!

 

What to do next

Buy it.  Available in paperback and kindle from an Amazon retailer near you.

Y’all just press that link below, now – Go Git ‘Er Done!

For UK here.

For US here. 

Want more?

Load another!