Sugar Coated Hell

January 4, 2017 8:10pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 26 Comments

Satirical Snapshots bringing you whimsy on a Wednesday.

Wednesdays aren’t what they used to be

It’s very difficult to find whimsy post Christmas and “What A Happy New Year”

It’s. Just. Another Day.

However, for the sake of my discerning readers I have been trying. Very hard.

Advanced Sloth and SAD

It’s cold. This is not conducive to sprightly behaviour. Not long ago I was knee deep in mince pies, cheese boards, lashings of fine Port and toffee pennies from the Quality Street tub. It’s a difficult cycle to break.

“Do you want a mince pie?”

“Go to Hell.”

“Well they’ve got to be eaten…”

“FINE!”

“Shall I warm it up and put some cream on?”

“Why don’t you just inject me with pure lard? I can almost hear my left ventricle SLAMMING shut!”

And yet, despite the protests, I eat it whilst reclining on my leather sofa, binge watching Luke Cage on Netflix. He’s bulletproof. I wonder if I can become mince pie proof? Instead, without conscious thought my hand betrays me. Oh the perfidy of Christmas limb syndrome! In it goes to the sweetie mountain grabbing randomly at the colourful wrappers; now not quite so pernickety about the flavour. Oh no. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t even entertain an orange cream but now that’s all there is and I need my fix. Drooling, without realising, the hand undoes the wrapper with ease and pops the thing into my open mouth. This keeps happening.

All control is lost until you wonder why your legs are twitching and there’s a film of sugar on your teeth that is akin to fine grade sandpaper. Your blood is now treacle and over saturated with sugar. There’s only one solution: a crisp sandwich.

For the love of God help me

Extreme action and some kind of first aid is required. The Grim Reaper laughs as he raps on my front door with a selection box in his hand. Bastard. There’s a Curly Wurly in there and it’s a good way to go…

NO. Make it stop!

I decided to face the world. Away with the tinsel and shiny foil. Away with the brandy butter and Christmas cake. Away with the vouchers for House of Fraser because you won’t be able to fit in anything now that you’ve turned into a pig in a blanket.

The whole lot went in the bin and I ran to the hills.

Muddy countryside.

Bracing.


So cold my face nearly bled.

Maybe walking boots would be a good idea, Jules. There’s no room for London Fly fashion in them hills.

I followed a long and arduous walk with a trip to the coffee shop. Baristas. Whatevs.

“Coffee. No fat, no sugar, no cream or any of those bloody gingerbread men. In fact, you’ve made me hate gingerbread, just sayin’.”

“Would you like to try our new blend of Columbian..”

NO!”

“Sprinkles?”

“Smack in the teeth?”

“Chocolate dusting?”

“Knuckle dusting?”

Nine letters – word puzzle

I sat and decided to do the Daily Mail crossword which was hanging around on the table for some mental stimulation.

Look at that. Saltpeter – #1 across. Spelt ER at the end. Right? But then that totally ruined my #5 down. A religious festival. Well that’s Easter, right? But it can’t be because it now begins with an ‘R’ Raster? Nope. Most annoying. This makes no sense. Here I am trying to better myself and the crossword is befuddling my sugar infested mind. I stormed out and went home to watch Agatha Christie and tried to solve a mystery instead.

I solved it. Ok, I’m back in the game!  Good. Next step? To find a hobby even though I have hundreds and thousands of half completed art projects, I felt it time to excite myself with a new fancy. Whimsical, right?

Cro- shame

Since I received 17 crochet books for Christmas instead of an Aston Martin, I thought I’d visit a wool shop.

“Hello, wool lady”

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“Do you want to buy any crochet books?”

“Not really, we have lots here…”

“Fair enough. I’d like to learn to crochet and become a normal female that stays in and makes crappy things for people. I’d like to experience how other people entertain themselves outside of pubs, wine, travel and coat swapping. Do you have any lessons?”

“Yes. They start next Tuesday and last for four sessions.”

“Oh? That’s perfect because I’ll probably be bored by the third and try to take your class over just for kicks. Where do I sign?”

I left with chunky wool. I’m going to make a scarf before the lessons start so I can be way ahead of the other students. This is one of the laws of power.
Then I am going to learn to make these just to piss everyone off next Christmas.

 

Toilet roll dolly covers. Total kitsch. I think these could make a massive retro comeback. These could make me famous.

Before I leave, I have one other thing to say…

The crossword person at the Daily Mail needs to be fired. I checked the answers on the next day’s paper and THEY SPELT SALTPETER WRONG. Probably too many mince pies… Oh wait, no they didn’t…you can spell it the RE way too. Well how ridiculous.  That’s just mind play.

26 Comments

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If you’re bored you could work on the next western novel or weird office people.

Truth be told, I would love a nice, proper mince pie. It’s been several years since I’ve had one and even so, it was fabricated/cooked in Santa Monica, not in the UK. There is a bakery there were they try to do it right. They even do fish and chips at the same place, but the chips are regular shoestring french fries and there is vinegar but no sauce for the fish – so why even bother, right? And the trifle isn’t anything you’d recognize as trifle.

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.
Larry, you’re right and I was only thinking the same the other day. Like you I have been swamped with “lots to do” so why I thought adding another thing to my list of endeavours was a good idea, I don’t know. Probably some form of procrastination and denial from reality. Anyway, I intend to get back onto Weird Office People very soon!

I’m more than happy to send you some real mince pies, they’re on sale right now! I can load you right up.
I made a trifle when I was in America. It wasn’t quite right but it was near as dammit and Cowboy Church ate the lot! I’m happy to divulge my secret ingredients to you if you’d like to start a trifle craze in Arizona!

“Typical Excessive Mental Ass Tyrant”…
The puzzle’s creator may have been exposed to an excess of saltpetre!
😎

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

Well I should have known better, TC, since pretty much every spelling here is ‘RE’ ! I’ve gotten too American…;)

I like a nice ice top mince pie, I was only thinking today I wonder if they will continue stocking throughout the year…it’s making me a little worried 😩 xx

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.
I’m more of a traditional pie person myself, cakes. Not so traditional that I’d eat them how they were first made with guts and entrails but now that they’re cakes. ‘m more than happy to take a bite of our Bezza’s version though! 🙂

I can’t wait for my crochet Dolly toilet roll cover! It was the only reason I bought you 1of your 17 crochet books … I’m now hoping for 17 different versions, because as you know, I have an obsession with toilet rolls !! However there’s usually 18 in a multi pack !

Oh you’re gonna get a whole 18 of them now, mate! Careful what you wish for, toilet roll girl! Maybe I should make you an advent calendar for next year and you can have 24 of them and buy the multi packs to accommodate! ;P

Toilet roll covers huh? Oh Jules…forgot to tell you…I’ve moved. I’d tell you my new address but I seem to have forgotten it. I’m sure I’ll remember by the time next Christmas is over. 😉

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

Oh yeah?! I know how to find people… don’t be like that now, Tracy, I KNOW you want one really. I promise to make yours funny! 😉

Woohoo toilet dolly please! Any chance of a bit of yellow on mine to match my yellow bathroom blind 😁😁😁😁

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.
I can find you the most garish of yellows, Amanda! You know I won’t let you down! Order taken. 😉

Very funny. Happy new year Jules.

We have fruitcakes here in the States. One could build houses with them. Never had a mince pie. Trade ya…

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

Happy New year, Hardnox! Bet you’re not having as much fun as…err… me…

Happy to trade. Maybe I should open a mince pie shop in America? And sell crackers too! And trifle! Why has nobody done this?

Nice to see Gloucester coming in at a sturdy -2.

They’re forecasting snow in Texas; smart people are loading magazines and throwing last year’s broken furniture on the fire. And I agree with LL, a real mince pie sounds pretty tasty.

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

But those Gloucesterians are hardcore, LSP!

Snow? In Texas? I cannot imagine that for a second. Do they even have fires “inside” in Texas? Fire up the barbie.
Again, happy to load you with mince pies, just give me the nod 😉

Mince pies? Yes, please.

Yours.

Crochet isn’t what you need right now, Jules. The only thing it exercises is the fingers. It’s time to jog around the Canary Islands in a bikini and a cowboy hat. Sweat out all the toxins and banter with men making bawdy remarks. That’s the prescription from Dr Bananas. 🙂

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.
You’re so right, Mr. Gorilla Bananas. I should stick to what I’m good at which is galavanting and banter in sunny climes! I’m just trying to add a bit of balance to my behaviour – it won’t last long, it never does!
Thanks Doc 😉

What is a crisp sandwich? Is that a load of potato chips between two slices of bread?

Hippy new year.

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

A crisp sandwich is exactly that, M. Nice soft white bread with proper butter and squished full of Potato chips, preferably Prawn Cocktail or Cheese and Onion flavour by Walkers. It’s the best food ever.

Hippy New year too!

* new year, new me. my new year resolution: more Hell Dust.

* LUKE CAGE CROWBARRING BETWEEN A DUDE’S LEGS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiQtkK1u4zY

* speaking of crotch, i love crochet. i crocheted my own christmas stocking. i’m a coalminer.

* as you can see, policing has changed but Curly Wurly hasn’t: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS1_hqw12UI and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k22VOYE6AFA

* is the London Fly a huge fly that will attack London on Armageddon?

* i put some saltpetre on my eggs this morning. spelling is a matter of life and death.

*)

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.
Ah, my sweet, what a selection of things to watch here!
Love Luke Cage. I want to be Jessica Jones. Or Harley Quinn.
Curly Wurly’s for 3p!!! WOW. They’re now 30 pence and half the bloody size. RIP OFF. Still, love them…

The fly story is true, yes. I knew you’d figure out the code. However, I’m going to stamp on it with one of these.http://www.office.co.uk/brand/fly_london

Carnt spel. *)

Ha ha ha! You a funny lady!
Nice post.
And, of course, there is only *one* correct spelling of Saltpeter, er… saltpetre.

Excuse my dreadful tardiness in replying.

I do my best, Masher. Happy New Year!

Well, of course. What do I know? I don’t poison people or make explosives so how am I supposed to spell it properly? ask me one on shoes or lippy 😉

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