Party Smarty Pants

May 16, 2018 1:07pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 24 Comments

Satirical Snapshots bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Whimsy?  What is this?  Where did it go? 

I’ve been stuck inside from dawn to dusk working FOR-EV-ER.  All work and no play makes Jules a dull girl.  

This needs to be rectified with haste.

Lippy and Loose

However, I did get invited to a party last Saturday night.  It could be said that I was a little hyperactive because I hadn’t been out for ages and it was a revelation to blow dry my hair, fall in love with the art of perfect lipstick application and wear high heels again. 

I was met at the door with a glass of bubbly that never, ever seemed to empty as the night wore on. Meeting new people is always fun and fascinating for me if not a little terrifying for them. 

Fysigunkus 

I was asked to bring food to the event so being an honorary Texan I decided to enlighten the British partygoers by making Cowboy Beans and Seven Layer Dip.  

British people don’t seem to understand these things.  If it’s not a trifle, a sarnie or a beetroot salad, they get a bit anxious.

“Is anyone eating these cowboy beans or what?”  I demanded in my ‘loaded with bubbly’ personality. 

“Oh, I wondered what they were!  What are cowboy beans?”

“The future of beans. Period.  A taste sensation and you need to eat some NOW.” 

“Yes, of course.  Yum!”

“And what about this seven layer dip?  Come on! Get stuck in!”

“Oh, I thought it was cold lasagne so I didn’t try it.”

“What a bunch of Fysi- Fsyik- Fysigunkuses…Fysigunki?  Whatevs. Pass me my drink…”

It Isn’t Over Yet

Despite being introduced to lots of fun people, I am dreadful at remembering names unless you’ve made an outlandish impression on me.  Instead, I refer to people as, “That guy in the checked shirt that looks at everyone’s boobs,” or “That chick with the massive necklace on, ya know, if she falls into the river she’s gonna drown,” or “ That really pretty girl that sounds like she’s swallowed a helium balloon,” and so on. 

Some people who came to the party brought along a Swedish couple that had come to visit them. I’ve always like a bit of Swede.  I find them quite interesting because they’re always well dressed in a very plain and basic way: understated quality. This might make you pass them over for someone more flamboyant but don’t judge a book by its cover. The Swedes I’ve interacted with in the past are usually very dry and witty. 

“Ooh, foreigners!  I’ve always fancied going to Sweden.  I might ask them if it’s true that it’s the rape capital of the world.”

“You CAN”T ask them that, Jules, that is NOT party conversation?”

*? ? ?  Can someone please enlighten me as to what party conversation is? *

Anyway, the Swedish guy came over to be introduced and I stuck out my hand in that ‘Oh so British way because it’s too soon for hugs’ and told him my name.

“Juliette,” I said. 

“Yet,” he replied.

“No. Juliette,” I repeated.

“Yet,” he insisted.

I tried not to roll my eyes in frustration, I really did.

“JU – LEE- YET,”  I accentuated like I was talking to a toddler.

“Yes, I understand,” he continued. “MY name is YET!”

Ah. 

Right.

Gotcha.

This made me snigger for at least 5 hours.

“So, Yet,” I replied.  “It’s obviously meant to be that we met because I’m never going to forget your name now, am I?  Now then, let’s have a chat about whether you’ve ever been abused without your consent. With that lovely cabled jumper you’re wearing, I wouldn’t be surprised….” 

And contrary to what people think about my inappropriate interaction, I’ve even been invited back to future dinner parties and all sorts.  Some people like weird. 

JS – Party Etiquette Central.

An Unfrogettable Week

May 2, 2018 3:21pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 33 Comments

doc martens in rain

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

They say that when a man talks about the weather he is bored with life.  Well, since I’m a woman it doesn’t count and when you live in England, one tends to get bored with the downpours. 

If it rains anymore I think I might cry.  I’m surprised the population of this country hasn’t halved due to depression. The only upshot of this is that I have become a master at taking photographs in the rain.  Who knows, maybe this is my life’s mission and I never realised; turning atrocious weather into an art form. 

Apparently sunshine is coming but I find myself having one-way sarcastic banter with the weather forecasters on TV.  It’s a shame because I really used to like Carol Kirkwood from the BBC.  That’s another friend gone. 

Talking of friends…

uromastyx in tank

Kevin the new Godzilla has to be kept at a nice 40 C in order to be all lizardy and healthy. On the downside, that is costing me money since it’s still winter here but on the upside I spend a fair amount of time with him as it’s the warmest room in the house. T-shirt weather in Kev’s pad.  I find it fascinating that he lives in one of the wettest countries and yet is not allowed to have any water. He can only get hydration from his leafy greens.

Talking of water…

I realised that shutting myself in a room with a spiny tail lizard, despite its exotic advantages, was making me become less socialised than usual and it was time to don the raincoat, put up the brolly and venture outside.  So, I went to the reptilian centre at the university.  I forget what for because I became utterly distracted and transfixed by Gertrude.

African clawed frog

This is she.  It doesn’t look real, does it? Gertrude is an African clawed frog. She didn’t flinch.  Not once.  I know this because I stood staring at this awkward amphibian suspended in water for a good length of time.  Long enough to forget what the bloody hell I was doing.  Gertrude has powers.  Look into her eyes and you will find that all of life’s answers will be revealed to you.

The future is froggy.

Godzilla, Guns And Gumption!

April 25, 2018 11:37am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 22 Comments

BB gun box

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

It’s funny how everyday things that happen can suddenly give you ideas, don’t ya think?

Follow my lead here, if you will.

Spiny Tail Lizards

Meet Kevin, the uromastyx who is a new addition to the household.  

uromastyx

I imagined him growing up to be Godzilla and he and I could team up as superheroes and save the city from doom.  As I was thinking about this far-fetched yet delightful scenario someone asked me what I wanted for my recent birthday.

Frankly, I’m getting tired of asking for an Aston Martin because it never happens and my desires have changed a little. 

“A gun,” I said, thinking that Godzilla Kevin and I could do with extra protection in this crazy world. 

“Why can’t you ask for something normal like makeup or clothes?”

*eye roll*

“Because I don’t do ‘normal’. Buy me something that leads to fun or adventure like a junket or a balloon ride or a gun.  The most powerful and best BB gun that you can buy so I can take that drone out when it comes back in summer.  And protect Kevin from birds of prey.” 

Single File Traffic

I left it at that and went off to a party. When I returned home I noticed that the non-existent workmen, who have been causing my road to be in a permanent state of congestion, had left their road sign on my grass.  Slightly annoyed and full of party fervour devilment, I decided to steal it because I remain 15 years old no matter how many birthdays I have.  I went to sleep very proud of myself. 

I woke up the next day and looked at the large melon I had decided to buy in an attempt to be healthy and full of life-giving nutrients and promptly put the bacon under the grill.  

Whatever.

“You might enjoy this melon, Kevin, but I’m more about the proper breakfast.  We have the future to save and you can’t do that full of fruit.”

I ate my bacon butty as I stared outside at my new road sign adorning the patio and Kevin went back in his cave.  Typical male.

Bad “Bewwwts” JuJu and Killer Kevin

I could see the movie in my mind.  Nonstop superhero, sci-fi action! But in order to become a specialist in the superhero field, one needs constant practice and imagination.  Armed with only a melon, a street sign and a couple of old beer cans I engineered a plan of action.  What could possibly go wrong?

The future is bright; the future is saved. Me and the Kevster have got your back 😉

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