Brew and Bellow

January 20, 2021 7:59am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 14 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

I have bought two interesting things so far this year. 

The first was the sensible purchase of a Nutribullet juicer/blender to facilitate my journey to health and vitality. 

Once it had arrived I went to the supermarket to buy an array of fruits, fat-free yoghurt, and spinach. Apparently, you can put spinach in smoothies. And kale. I just went for spinach because…baby steps. 

How pretty does this look?

And then this happened.

 

My colourful crowd of fruit mixed into something that looked like a bushtucker trial on “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” And if it goes in looking like that then what the hell does it come out looking like? 

Tentatively, I sipped the sludge-like liquid and was pleasantly surprised! Don’t judge a smoothie by its shitty appearance.

I got better at it…

And then I got distracted by making healthy cocktails when I found out this thing can crush ice. 

Juice and Jangle

And then, it all went horribly wrong. I got a bit blasé you see. Look at me, the smoothie queen and cocktail consort!  One finger on the pulse and a thumb on high power. Blend away!  What can I get you? Name your passion, fruit!

Cocky, some call it. 

This thing has a small lid within its lid so you can add things or mix them with the big stick it comes with without taking the full lid off. During a recent lunchtime smoothie, I decided that the brew needed something sweet cos some of these ingredients can’t half make your tabs laugh with their tartness. In a rush to get my nutrients I heaped up a teaspoon of honey and removed the mini lid to drop it in. Whilst it was still on. Whizzing away on full fruity power. 

I dropped the bloody spoon inside. 

There was an incredible racket, a juddering of equipment, and red berry sauce exploded all over the sodding kitchen. My new, freshly painted in crisp white, kitchen now sporting burgundy polka dots and wound style slashes on the ceiling. The stuff was absolutely everywhere. Dripping defiantly from the cabinets. 

Bugger.

When I retrieved the spoon it had chunks of metal missing which meant I couldn’t drink my smoothie.

The blade was somewhat dinted and I thought my fruity days were over and I’d be back on chocolate oranges. However, despite its spoony punishment, the bullet continues to perform. 

Still, the whole ordeal put me in a bit of a mood and screwed about with my biorhythms. Lacking in vitamins and fibre and all shook up by the event I made the mistake of my second purchase.

The Megaphone

Why haven’t I got one of these, I wondered to myself illogically. The days are so long in this house in Covid gaol and a megaphone could bring an awful lot of fun. I’d be able to torment the runners as they passed on my street. They’re bound to run faster with a torrent of abuse being hurled after them so I’d actually be helping with their fitness goals. 

I hop-skipped onto Amazon to have a gander and as soon as I saw that it came with a siren I couldn’t help but click “Buy Now” 

I could go out in my truck and pretend to be “Mask Police” and put the sirens on if I saw anyone flouting the rules. “ON WITH YOUR MASK OR I WILL RELEASE THE HOUNDS” Heh. 

I could make up new and ridiculous rules and yell them from the car, or demand people go home immediately due to a new and virulent strain of idiocy. 

When my megaphone arrived I found that they’d made the handle into a nifty bottle opener. Ooh!  So now I can drink and shout things at the same time! What could possibly go wrong with that?

And then I had an even better idea. I found an app on my phone that makes gunshot sounds.

 

Amplified through my megaphone, I think I just found myself a new car horn!

This might just be the year that I get arrested. 

The Wonder of the Wolfdog

January 13, 2021 8:52am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 19 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy on a Wednesday!

Today, rather than whimsy, this post is more about wisdom. As in I shall be imparting some wisdom which may seem laughable coming from someone who stumbles through life thinking, “Let’s see what happens if I do this…”

If you are ever thinking of owning a wolfdog then there are things you need to know

They are nuts Seriously. This is not like your normal pet dog. They do the oddest things.

Needy McNeedy

Wherever you go they too will follow. Everywhere. 

Get Your Teeth Into This

If you dare to go out and leave them behind they will eat anything they can in order to go and find where you are. They can chew through wood, plastic, and utensils in a matter of minutes. 

Who Sings That?

They don’t bark – hardly ever. They howl. Head thrown back in full falsetto fermata until you come back. 

Smartly Defiant

Easy to train because they are very smart but also hard to train because they are wilful beyond belief. They make a fractious toddler with a belly full of E numbers on a violent meltdown seem like a walk in the park. You need to be both patient and tough and not give an inch. However, because you get used to doing this on a daily basis you must remember not to treat people the same way regardless of how much fun that can be.

Either You Like Bacon Or You’re Wrong

If you’re brave enough to eat bacon in the morning you will be seriously intimidated all the way through your breakfast butty. Oh, and they’re as tall as your kitchen counter so don’t walk off and leave anything tasty unattended. 

The Big Outside

Come wind, rain, snow, hangovers, illness, or other – you are going out to play every day. You will be much fitter if not a little permanently exhausted. Get several pairs of good boots. 

If you don’t exercise them enough they will dig holes in your garden in protest. Or just because they can. 

Do You Like It Rough?

They bounce around looking like they’re tearing each other’s throats out because this is how they play. If you meet a submissive, small dog on the park then you have to pre-warn the owner that their little fluffy might go tumbling through the woods; Wolfdogs do not understand that Mitzy, Ditzy, and Shitzy are only 1/10th of their size. But honestly, don’t worry, there’s no need to run off…they’re just playing…

How To Turn A Workman’s Tool

When workmen come round to your house and you ask them if they’re OK with dogs and they say, “Yeah – love them..” don’t be fooled. As you open the second door and they see them silently staring, they tend to react badly by leaping onto your banisters shouting, “OOOH, NOT THAT BIG …” 

Shedding Hell

So much hair gets shed I cannot believe they are not bald. You could spin this into mohair and make a killing at the knitting shop. When they malt in spring and autumn you could stuff a sack daily. I don’t use a nice bristle brush to groom them because it wouldn’t do anything – I have to use an extra-large horse blade! 

Don’t Look A Gift Wolf In The Mouth

You cannot open a delivery from Amazon without them helping. And do not leave presents under the Christmas tree because they absolutely need to know what’s inside.

Get Two, They Said…

If you get two, thinking they will occupy each other, you are deluded. You are still a pack member and all that happens is that all the above intensifies.

But more importantly, aside from the fact these are the best pets I’ve ever owned and loveable beasts full of personality, they tend to scoff…

 A LOT

Here is a picture of my recent delivery from the pet food people.

This is for one month only. 

And does not include treats or kibble. This is just meat.

It took me 7 hours to put away and I nearly got fined at the tip when I disposed of the boxes because they did not believe it wasn’t a commercial drop. Nobody can have that much dog food…

I tell ya what – I’ll bring them in the truck next time and we’ll find out if you want to charge me then. 

 

 

 

Happy New Tier!

January 8, 2021 3:58pm Published by Jules Smith in Off Piste Posting (Any day thoughts) 23 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing you a long overdue blog post!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

The world has gone quite mad, dear reader, has it not?  

On the Only Day of Christmas 

I had my day of Christmas with the famalam which was wonderful but by the time they left at around 8.30 pm I was shattered. Another consequence of the lockdown is that I am no longer able to deal with large groups of people for more than a day.  It was like getting over the flu (do we still have flu anymore?) and took me a week to get back to normal usual being my pandemic self again. Although, it could have been the result of too many chocolate oranges. A gift from Terry’s that always finds itself in one’s stocking. This year, instead of getting one or two of them, I received about 79.

It’s a Brave New Year Just the Same 

Found me still surrounded by chocolate oranges. Naturally, I continued eating them because it is a violation against chocolate to throw them away.

What else can you do in another national lockdown anyway? Apart from knitting or running that seem to be the favoured pandemic pastimes over here. 

Turns out I found a new type of running. The aftermath of “tapping it and unwrapping it” and adding segment after segment into your cake-hole is restless legs shaking so violently you could give Joe Wicks a run for his money with sofa jogging. The sugar coma that follows is so intense your get-up-and-go marches off to the nearest canal and drowns itself. 

Now that’s a workout, Wicksy. 

Talking of Bingeing…

I found that I have been unable to write, aside from marketing for businesses desperately trying to survive in these conditions – which sucks all the mojo out of me. Reading, Netflix, and Amazon Prime are my saviours when I lose the will to co-operate. 

I have binge watched Disney Pixar movies because morals and lessons are good for me. I spend at least an hour thereafter in a loving and giving frame of mind. 

My other favourites have been ‘The Queens Gambit’ which has got me back into playing chess, and ‘Bridgerton’ – A period drama offering super-scintillating-scandal! 

And then there’s ‘Death to 2020’ A mockumentary which I found uncomfortably (not spared from the usual narrative) amusing. 

This satirical film has a character called Gemma Nerrick, an “average citizen” who declares that lockdown has given her a multi-personality disorder. This made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my Terry’s CO. 

But then I realised that this comical little gem delivered truth in jest.  

Yes. I too have entered into the world of disorder. 

Let’s Look at This Lickety-Split

This lockdown business really does make you a bit weird and maybe this is how our brains cope with being caged like capricious monkeys. Here are my multi- personality, pandemic inhabitants:

Compliant Cadence 

Does not come out to play very often but when she does, she is calm and somewhat yielding because, well,“it is what it is.”Cadence often feels a tad spaced out and on a bit of a go-slow. No need for aggravation or major tasks. Cadence likes to spend time ruminating over endless cups of tea and wearing comfortable, oversized cardigans. Sometimes found casually flicking through magazines and folding up warm washing from the dryer. Generally her day is spent musing and dreaming of possibilities or watching birds soar though floating clouds. Cadence tends to be largely OK with everything around her until the novelty wears off which tends to happen rather speedily. 

Princess Peachy

This goddess of delight is imbued with the spirit of Snow White. She wakes with a smile, singing to the animals, and to the neighbours, whether they like it or not. Peachy’s aim is to have house beautiful by tea-time so she dusts and cleans until everything, and I mean everything because obsession takes over, shines until she can blow kisses at her own reflection in the polished surfaces. After which, an array of scones, cheese straws and cookies cool on the kitchen surfaces after a Great British Bake Off. The evening is spent gorging on these delights during a film that Peachy promptly falls asleep to after domestic exhaustion and she ends up going to bed rather sneezy and grumpy.

Anxious Alicia

This personality is fuelled by watching way too much news and reading endless conspiracy theories. Alicia thinks that everyone is going to die or have long term health issues and the vaccine won’t help because it’s made of old people’s toenails and the entrails of choir boys. Alicia believes that eventually we will all be in motorised wheelchairs with oxygen tanks and frets about how we will we all fit down the aisles at the supermarket.

She spends the day fixated on the gloomy news headlines and waiting for Boris to make yet another announcement about how the virus is overtaking the planet and now we can’t even go in the garden. However, Alicia’s time is used vigilantly between wringing her hands and washing her hands until they bleed.  

Alicia wipes everything down with super-strength bleach then goes to bed not being able to breathe due to overuse of chemicals and lies there all night long thinking “this is it”

Bastardette the MOFO Queen Bitch From the Deepest Bowels of Hell, With Bells On 

Do not approach this personality under any circumstance because she hates everything and everyone without exception: the masked, the none- masked, the compliant and the rebellious alike, all the newsreaders, knitters, runners and basically all-and-sundry including and especially, Joe Wicks. 

Bastardette is usually found tearing new arseholes for people or getting into unnecessary arguments about any topic you choose to bring up. And if you can’t think of one, she will find one to attack you with. If unable to find any prey, she can be seen lining up her chocolate oranges on her bedroom windowsill ready to hurl at the many passing runners who totally get on her tits. 

The “It’s not Terry’s, it’s mine” chocolate orange slogan swiftly replaced with Bastardette’s new strap line, “Terry can have the feckers back” 

Cue 2021’s new and adapted dystopian crime film – A Clockwork Chocolate Orange.

 

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