A Well Rounded Conclusion

March 30, 2022 6:06pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 23 Comments


Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On Wednesday!

Don’t ask me where I’ve been because I don’t know. And by that, I don’t mean that I literally “don’t know” and got captured by aliens and had my memory wiped clean, no. That didn’t happen.  What I mean is that I don’t really know why I’ve been absent from this weekly (hahahahaha) blog. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been out partying and travelling and haven’t had time but, err, nah.  A big fat not much has changed since lockdown rules and I’m beginning to wonder if I have a long Covid issue. Let me explain…

It’s Like Pulling Teeth

I went to the dentist. I have not been to the dentist for over two years because along with GP’s they didn’t see anyone unless it was a dire emergency. Even now we are back to normal you have to be in severe pain to get an appointment because now there’s a backlog. Same with GP’s. It’s 3 – 4 weeks for an appointment and pot luck if you can get a phone call. You basically get told to sod off to accident and emergency if you think it’s serious. Hmm. Anyone who has ever been in the waiting room of A&E knows that you are likely to spend thousands of hours waiting to die only to be told to go home and gargle with salt water and you’ll be OK. 

Many weekend afternoons and evenings have been ruined by a trip to A&E and after such an experience the thought of going fills you with dread and you start to play the lottery with your life. How bad is that pain in my left calf? Could it be a blood clot or did I just pull a tendon? Maybe it’s just hot because I stood too close to the fire. I’ve had it for three days now, surely if it was that serious I would be dead by now? Besides, the doctor’s receptionist with a medical degree in sweet FA doesn’t seem overly bothered. Is it really worth missing a Chinese takeaway and a few scoops with friends? No.

Suck It Up

My usual dentist, a bad-tempered menopausal Scandinavian, had left the dental practice and I was, surprisingly, a bit upset by that. I was looking forward to a bit of banter and an argument about whether or not I needed an X-ray. Instead, a sweet, quietly spoken Asian woman sat in her place. Her assistant looked like some kind of sexual gimp. Plastic apron, plastic glasses, and plastic gloves donned and a big tubular weapon ready to suck the saliva right out of you. You really have to wonder about anyone who wants to do that for a living, right? 

“Nice to meet you, new dentist lady. I have a bit of a toothache going on. Upper left middle-ish or thereabouts.”

“Is the pain really bad?”

The Test.  Do I really deserve to have this appointment?

“Well, I very nearly bit someone in temper the other day but I had to stop myself because biting down causes me pain. I find I’m eating sandwiches on one side which is a bit of a nuisance.”

“I’m going to prod around a bit – it might hurt.”

“Go for it. I have a very high pain threshold… OWWW! That hurt!”

Now, this shocked me because I used to be able to have a filling without even having an injection.

“I’ll need to take an X-ray.”

“Of course you do. Radiate away.”

After the check-up, and no real evidence of anything, she decided we’d have to wait and see what happens but next up was the usual teeth clean. Sucky psycho got well excited about this because now she could cause suction welts on my tongue whilst the dentist made my gums bleed. I didn’t care. I put on my plastic glasses and lay there like a hardcore bitch. 

However, this time, I found it all a bit noisy, a bit overwhelming and a bit of a lot uncomfortable.

Residual Viralitis

“I think Covid has given me a fear of dentists.”

“What?”

“Studies have shown that the results of long Covid have given people all sorts of things from brain fog, to pins and needles, weird anxieties and newfound bizarre allergies”

“Right.”

“I think it’s given me dental phobia. I need to leave.”

I have since found that I can use this to get out of just about anything.

Jules, could you give me a hand with this?

“No. Soz. I now have a deep fear of helping resulting in Raging Reluctance. Had it ever since catching Covid.”

“Oh…”

Try it. Gets you out of everything and leaves you free to do whatever you want. Though sometimes that’s not always a good thing. When you start to lose the will to do anything it spreads like a malaise into your own desires. You end up not even writing your own blog.

Rotten Tomatoes

I found a diddy macro-lens that someone bought me for my iPhone a few years back and started to play with it. It’s only a cheap little thing and it saves getting the big camera out when I go to the big outside to walk the wolfits. You can get some quite nice macro shots with it without all the fuss and palaver that comes with normal everyday life pro photography.

Since the weather has been unseasonably sunshiney and lovely I managed to get a few fun close up shots of things like flowers…

Blades of grass with a droplet of hope…

Some sort of yellow moss or fungi that grows on trees…

And a close up of a vine tomato I bought from Sainsbury’s.

 I’m rather alarmed at the yellow specks found on tomato skin and have discovered that macro food photography has given me a new idea for a diet book that will become a horrifying best-seller.  

Paint Me A Postcard

Talking of nature and stuff and following on from a podcast on the mystic musings of Sadguru – a yoga guru, I found myself looking up something to do with a tree. I forget what it was now as I got wildly distracted, as one does, and went from there to Birch bark and then on to something called Neurographics. 

Apparently, there is not only Art Philosophy in the world but also Art Psychology.  Honestly, I don’t think it has the same ring. Doesn’t roll off the tongue well at all. Still, I found myself interested in the visual infographic that came with the description. What a fancy, vibrant, abstract painted joy I witnessed.

Apparently, you can completely change your dreadful behaviours by having a bit of a go at drawing and painting in this fashion. I watched a few videos on how to do it and promptly got out my art materials to make a postcard for someone I knew would like this medium. 

You have to draw like this: Freely make blobs and lines and then round off all the corners.

Colour in the rounded blobs

And then stand up and shout “I Am Cured!”

Obviously, I’ve got a lot of work to do before I can honestly say that so decided a postcard was the better option.

How’s that for lighting up your life, eh? The workings of my mind are a sight to behold.  

 

The Art Of Ekphrastic Philosophy

February 28, 2022 11:48am Published by Jules Smith in The Art Philosopher 16 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You A Touch Of Creative Art!

I thought it was about time for a bit of Art Philosophy!

Being the world’s greatest art philosopher comes with its challenges because I can’t look at anything without over analysing it or waxing lyrical about how it makes me feel.

What is an Art Philosopher, you may ask? Well, it’s a lot like being ekphrastic. This means being able to give a vivid description of a piece of art or to relate to a piece of art with another artistic medium. Basically being poetic and voicing your artistic opinion, which means you can say and do whatever you want. What’s not to like about that? 

 

Why Not Give It A Try? 

Being an art philosopher brings great advantages because people will ask your arty opinion on things and you can say, “Perhaps you’d like to pour me a glass of Champagne so I may lose myself in the bubbles whilst contemplating this labyrinth.” 

Or, “I must go and walk in this field where it says ‘No Trespassing’ because I feel there will be a great photographic opportunity. I won’t get arrested because I’ll just say I’m philosophising.” 

Honestly, being a pretentious art philosopher helps you get your own way.  I’ve achieved this many times.  For example – I once walked into Cavender’s Boot shop in Texas and started to put a load of bootstraps I had made on all their boots for sale. I then began to photograph them all. Eventually, a manager came out and asked what on earth I was doing to his boot stock.

“Look how I’ve improved them. They are no longer just boots, they are art. Now they speak to the buyer. They talk when they walk. 

“They sure do”

“You should buy them.”

“I’ll get you our buyer’s card.”

“May I continue working?”

“Yes, do whatever you want.”

So I did. Because people don’t mess with Art Philosophers. 

Mixing up the Media

This week I have been playing with art because I just watched ‘Inventing Anna’ on Netflix and realised I could have possibly succeeded where she failed.  If only she’d philosophised a little bit better.

You Have To Be Prepared To Get Your Hands Dirty

I concentrated on mixed media projects because mixed media allows you to be obtuse and mysterious. What’s not to like about that?

My mixed media involves mediums such as drawing, photography, painting, and prose. All the things I like rolled into one thing. A bit like your favourite sandwich. 

In this particular instance, there has been a background focus on ‘Found poetry’ or ‘Blackout poetry’ too.  This is all about taking text from books, magazines, or newspapers and picking out words to make your own poetry or free verse. Yes, that really is a thing. People have actually published blackout poetry books and made a fortune. It’s not as easy as it might seem. 

Anyway – Let’s see what we have to philosophise over and you can practice finding your inner con artist.

Weird Fish

Now you could say, “It’s a chick in a bright frock with some fishy words going on.” 

Or, if you want to practise being an art philosopher you would gaze knowingly upon the art for the appropriate amount of time, occasionally nodding to yourself, taking a few steps backwards and looking at it from different angles before coming back closer. You might sigh. Then you would say this: 

It’s an ocean of life. The woman appears to have her head swimming in chaos and is clothed in a vivid depiction of part sunflower. Note an ambiguous nod to the sunfish (a giant swimming head) and the sun-flower. The background text is Hemingway – a piece from his house in the Keys. A connection with the writer of The Old Man and the Sea, and again, a nod to the sunfish or the marlin; it’s all about a journey and the admiration of strength, dignity, and faithfulness to (the fish and) identity; much like the sunflower which also means truth and loyalty. The journey is arduous and retaining those honest qualities is difficult and bewildering. One might feel held back – particularly the weird fish. The found poetry in the background text reads “All this for her wonderful big fish” What exactly is her big fish if not all her journey, all the dreams and voices in her head, or all her femininity? You the philosopher, be the judge. 

For Mountain Streams

If you watch 1883 then this will speak for itself. This show is so moving. It’s about pioneers on the dusty trail, the loneliness and beauty of the wilderness, the savagery of life, strength in adversity, learning from the land, and most significantly, coming of age.  

This piece of art features a drawing of Elsa set on a photo of an old western novel. A piece of text was chosen randomly from the book and used for blackout poetry to depict the essence of the featured young protagonist. 

She smiled to mountain streams
For clean country.
She waved and turned back south,
Her clothes slow-moving with him.
A nice girl told God all.
She’d liked him.
She was meant for Hell.
But man couldn’t marry his own mind.
Damn girl!
Had him by the time he drifted for the end.

And this…

This is just an apple

Or is it? 

And then sometimes you don’t need to say a thing. 

 

Blatherskite

February 23, 2022 1:49pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 11 Comments

 

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Today I need to talk to you about the Blatherskite.

What is a Blatherskite?

They can be found everywhere: The pub, the shops, cafes, football grounds, online and even in your very own house. Yes, beware, this has happened to many people. 

Some might even say a lot of them are bloggers… I’m not buying that myself. What a load of bafflegab. 

We All Know A Blatherskite

A blatherskite is a mid-17th-century word for a person who talks at great length without making much sense. Unfortunately, they are now breeding en masse and it turns out that Blatherskites might just take over the world. They are particularly at home on social media, often leaving lengthy and garbled baloney that we call “comments” under posts. 

Perhaps you have encountered one at a cafe or the bar? They are one of those people who randomly start talking to you about absolute rubbish and for some reason can’t seem to stop. It’s like their verbal tap has been turned full-on and they must spew out their absurdity. You look around, wondering if they’ve mistaken you for someone else. You search the crowd with eyes that scream, “Please Help Me”, but everyone looks away; shielding themselves from the Blatherskite and leaving you to drown in its torrent of drivel. They’ve been burned by the Blatherskite before you see. 

Blatherskites are also on our TV every day in the guise of heroes and carers of the world. They rant and rave and promise to change the world for the better and blah – blah – blah – what a load of old nonsense. Or should I say what a load of old skite?

The Origin Of The Word Blatherskite

Blather:

Blether, Scottish and likely derived from a Scandinavian word (Old Norse) blaðra meaning “to mutter or wag your tongue.” Also could possibly come from the Germanic word “Blodram” meaning something inflated (like the bladder). 

An inflated bladder makes a lot of sense to me. We all know what comes out of that.

Skite:

An old Scottish word for a contemptible person. Likely sourced from the Old Norse word skyt (skjota) meaning “to shoot.” Or, most likely and more fitting, from the Old Norse word skita meaning “to shit” 

Aha! A blown-up bladder talking a load of old shite. Yep. There we have it. 

Your mission today is to be on the lookout for a Blatherskite and try to avoid them at all costs.

If you know of a Blatherskite, you could try and help them by buying them this wonderful notebook so they will be able to write down all their nonsense and realise that nobody wants to hear it anymore. 

Save the world and buy a Blatherskite a Wordy Notebook today! Available from Amazon globally.

*This blog post but was cunningly disguised as a useful piece of information on archaic words whilst trying to sell the best “Wordy Notebooks” in the world*

 

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