It’s been 17 Weeks and 5 Days

July 15, 2020 2:34pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 18 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

So, yeah. That’s how long it’s been. 17 weeks and 5 days. Not that I’m counting or anything but the last time I went to the pub was 11th March.  I don’t even feel British anymore.

But then, just recently, pubs were allowed to open – so long as they had new fangled stuff in place.

Teenage Tipples

It’s not that I haven’t been meeting my friends at the park for a tipple or two.  I’ve had regular outings getting my arse wet on the grass, sipping my gin and tonic from my Chili flask like a 15-year-old, but there’s something ingrained in you as a Brit that makes the public house a second home.

Shandy Steps

So when my best mate said, “Shall we go to the pub?”  who am I to argue? Besides, she’s a nurse so I figured that one of the following things would happen:

She’d get the clap from the bar

She’d be given a freebie for being part of the NHS

She’d be able to resuscitate me if I got over-excited

We decided that it would make better sense to not go on a Friday night. Shandy steps.  We chose a rather nice pub that we used to frequent in middle-class suburbia at 2 pm on a Monday afternoon.

And we still had to book a table online. For a pub.

“Be sure to go straight to your greeter who will take you to your table”, the information stated.  “No standing at the bar – you will be served by the waiting staff”

Off we went…

As you can see, they were very pleased at our return.  We were taken swiftly to our table by a young girl wearing Timmy Mallett glasses -come visa.  Once seated she took our order.

I glanced around the pub to get my bearings again..

And realised how much I’d missed the wisdomous words of the barkeep…

The girl brought our drinks over and we had to take them from the tray. This made no sense to me whatsoever because somebody’s already had their mittens around my stem so how is that protecting me?  Anyway, there I sat enjoying the comforts of the local with a rather splendid Pinot.

After a couple of these, albeit rather bizarre, I started to enjoy myself.  Never had a Monday afternoon been so exciting! At least not for 17 weeks and 5 days.

I decided I needed a wee so off I went to the public toilets. I went the wrong way because I didn’t notice the arrows on the floor.  Every place has since turned into Ikea and I’ve never stuck to that rule so why start now?  Far too many regulations to pay attention to.

Regardless of flaunting the rules I didn’t get barred and found myself face-to-face with a moveable sign on the main toilet door that I had to change from vacant to engaged.  Basically, the whole toileting area was mine.  If I wanted to wee in all 3 toilets and dance around naked, nobody else was allowed to enter.  Hmmm, let’s see how well that goes down at about half ten on a Saturday night.

8 bottles later…

Just kidding!

After 3 large glasses of wine each, we asked for the bill.

£40!

FORTY-BLOODY-QUID!

17 weeks of buying and mixing your own sauce makes you realise how much money you’ve saved.

“Let’s bring our flasks next time and sit in the pub garden,” my friend said.  This is why she’s a nurse. Nurses are clever.

We said goodbye to our friendly staff in their sexy PPE …

 

and I remember thinking, “It’s a good job she’s pretty”

 

 

 

 

Rage Against Ma Chine

June 24, 2020 10:46am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 9 Comments

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

One of the terrible things about being in lockdown is that it’s very easy to be distracted by things online. There I was scrolling down my Instagram feed when all of a sudden an advert caught my eye.

Cut It Out

A beautiful machine   ma chine to cut glass bottles in half and turn them into works of art… like, ya know, half -cut bottle decanters that, ummm, make pots to hold…stuff.  Yeah.

I thought this would be a marvellous idea because the glass bottle collectors had not been collecting the bottles for the last twelve weeks and despite me hiding mine on my neighbour’s side, I was starting to look like I had a gin problem.

What a genius idea to turn all my bottles into – umm…things..

Beautiful glass doo-dah that I could gift to people.

Just for them.

Wow.

Cutting Edge Technology

Three months I waited.  THREE MONTHS to have this tool delivered so I could create my glass malarkey emporium. By which time I’d lost all interest in the idea and they had ruined any chance of me becoming a millionaire.  Dream crushers.

Even the glass recycling collectors had come out of lockdown by then and collected all my empties.

Still, having the entrepreneurial spirit that I do, I drank a couple of bottles of wine to have a go at the thing now it was here.

Never mind don’t drink and drive – more like do not drink and operate the glass cutting machine.

In fact, don’t remain sober and operate it either because it gets you into botther  bother…

Needless to say, it didn’t work. I nearly ended up in A&E with missing digits.

Never buy tat from the internet.

 

 

 

 

 

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