A Bunch Of Fives

September 19, 2016 5:51pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 28 Comments


Yeah…you lot wanna be careful because I’ve got an indestructible bunch of fives.

And aside form a sharp right hook, I also have a beautiful run of first edition, new £ five pound notes.
This is a whole new type of plastic my friends, oh yes.

Scrumple proof
Built to last

Not fire proof ( I tried) – not entirely indestructible cos when I got my scissors out and cut one in half it lost but, I’ll give it its due, this note really IS waterproof because when I cried after going through twenty quids worth of them, my tears ran over it like rivulets of rain down a pane of glass.

Do you want me to show you the money?

fullsizerender-2  Thats the Elizabeth Tower AKA – Big Ben, from the south bank of the Thames looking across Westminster Bridge. Ding Dong.  I’ve been up that tower and into the workings of the clock and heard Big Ben chime at 3.00 pm.  You can only do that if you’re English and get a special pass from your MP.  That’s how important I am. You can see through it like a window on this fiver and the clock’s hands are at 3 o’clock – the time on 13th May 1940 Churchill made his famous “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat,” speech in the House of Commons.


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There’s also a background image of the Nobel Prize medal he was awarded in 1953 for literature, together with the wording of the prize citation.

Since I’m coming back to America in less than a fortnight I’m bringing a whole bunch of these notes with me and will be selling them off for $30 each.  What? A starving artist has got to try her hand at making a few quid, ya know!

And the old fivers (which will cease to be legal tender by spring next year) well… I can do those at the discounted rate of $29.99

Snooze, you lose.

Who said Brits were stupid, eh?


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Cool notes. You’re ever vigilant in making sure all’s on the up and up. I’d like to see videos of you “testing” more product claims. ‘Course nothing that would get you into trouble. You can feel free to demonstrate those in person while you’re here. 😉

I nearly did video the trials but then found out that somebody else had done the same thing. I hate it when people steal my ideas.

Tracy, I have a nice crisp one (in a plastic way) put aside for you. We can use it to see how many margaritas we can get with it from the barkeep. “Hey, if you can tear one of these in half in two seconds, I’ll give you a big tip. If you can’t you owe me 10 margaritas” Obviously I shall demonstrate the ease of this with an old, paper fiver and then give them a new one. It’s total win on our end but I may get you barred from your local. Still, think of the memories….;)

if only my school days had been like this:


The old skool skins! Nowt changes round here. *)

I’ll trade you a roll of Hillary Clinton toilet paper for a new fiver.

Ha! I want two. Deal?

Maybe a mixed batch with a roll of Hillary and a roll of Barack.

JUST A MINUTE – There is a picture of an old (iconic) Churchill, and a picture of a middle-aged Queen.

So there is no mistaking, I actually like the Queen (though Charles was a disappointment to everyone everywhere), but what’s wrong with putting an age-appropriate picture of the Queen on currency?

OK that’s a deal, Larry! Spit ‘n’ shake.

Well come on, I mean Churchill must have been late 60’s when he became PM so he’s going to (and always did) look older. On a totally separate side note, I heard today on BBC Radio 4 that in his dotage Churchill would come downstairs in the morning in a shabby old vest and go and urinate outside in the garden. According to his maid but then can you really trust the chattel? And he was banned from sailing on the boats for D-Day by the monarch because holding a gun in one hand and a cigar in the other was just not on.

As for the Queen – well come now, she’s THE QUEEN. I know you’re not used to royalty but basically they can do as they want. Of course she’s going to have her best, soft focussed picture on the money! She’s QUEEN. Be careful, Larry, next time you visit the motherland it could be ‘off with your head.’

I would very much like to take a piss on the roses at 10 Downing St. If I did, could I be PM?

I’d do it in front of the slavey just as Sir Winston did, while smoking a cigar.

I beg your pardon, Larry! Well, I guess that’s the done thing for a top notch Prime Minister, like our Winston was. However, in order to prove your worth you will have to pledge allegiance to – warm ale, hot tea with milk, fish and chips covered in newspaper print and rain otherwise the Brits won’t have it. 🙂

I like your entrepreneurial style, Jules. I’ll take a hundred off your hands from the get go. That should see you with enough to start your trip off comfortably over here in the good US of A and enough for me to find different methods of destroying them.

Do you mean a hundred quid’s worth or a hundred £5.00 notes? I’m hoping the latter cos that makes me a tidy three grand at $30 a pop. You’re not allowed to destroy our money. Only the Brits can do that.

I’m pretty good at math, Jules. I meant a hundred of your fives so yes, a full 3K. Will that do for a start? Should allow you some decent R&R.
I only care to aid you in the “art of destruction” for your systematic investigation purposes. I’m sure I can come up with some interesting trials that you may not be able to perform.

Alright then, Rothschild. What’s R&R? Root beer and a rack of ribs?

I’m rubbish at maths right up until it comes to money and then I’m a genius.

So, like what. How will you deface my country’s proper nice cash?

Rest & Recreation

I’ve just spent 10 minutes reading this post and thinking, “What the bloody hell is he on about…” Then I realised you were answering the R and R thing. I’m bright like that!

No wonder I didn’t know what it meant – still don’t.:) I don’t have time for rest but recreation’ll do. 🙂

There are people in this world who look on root beer and a rack of ribs as recreation…

Well quite, hence that was the first thing that came to my mind! Mmmmm….root beer float…slurp.

Wot you doing with that there money, girl?
Rather like Her Maj, I thought you didn’t carry cash.

I found it under a hedge outside Wetherspoons. Some daft old tart probably dropped it. Finders keepers.
Well of course I don’t carry cash. I get my people to pay for me or I pull out the other kind of plastic. 😉

The old notes will cease to be legal tender??? Who told you that, Jules? What are law-abiding gorillas who insisted on being paid in suitcases full of used fivers supposed to do? I suppose I’ll have to start spending them real quick on pompadour wigs and Gucci tweezers!

Ah, the wanderer returns! Was it worth it? 😉

Indeed Mr. Gorilla Bananas. They are taking away our paper trail. Damn that Governor of The Bank Of England. Look, pass ’em my way and I’ll get my people to deal with it for you. I’ll get you a good deal on titty tassels and whips too. 🙂

Oh, so you’re going to bring them here, are you? Wherever did you get that idea? I thought the video was one of your fun mash-ups. Imagine my disappointment when I hit “play.” What a waste of data.

Wherever indeed… I know some pretty smart people, you know.

Well, I was going to do that but when I looked, somebody had already done it before me! Imagine my outrage. So, I’m going to try and come up with some unthinkable ways that have yet to be tried out. 🙂

Well that’s exactly what I was talking about, Jules. Have you taken your five notes up to 50,000 feet? Shot them with a 9mm? Witnessed if they last at the speed of Mach1.6? Stuck one on an air-to-air missile? You need to step it up a gear.

None of which, of course, you are able to do, zoomie.

Well since I’m bringing them on a Boeing 747 I think they’ll hit at least 33,000ft and money tends to go out of my purse faster than the speed of light, so covered that one. I intend to shoot one with a Kalashnikov rather than a 9mm, so I shall see how that fares.

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