Ad-Vantage Smith, Jules Smith.

November 23, 2015 11:34am Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 29 Comments


Right people, I need your help.

I want and need an Aston Martin.

It has always been my dream car and having just been to see Spectre last night, my desire has been further fuelled to the point of distraction.
I’m in the know with some people at Silverstone and have been offered the opportunity to race one round the track. Obviously, I’m going to take that offer but…I’m going to have to give it back. Why would I want to do that? That’s just teasing me and I’m likely to zip off course across the fields, Bond style and disappear into the horizon.

When I spent 3 months sorting my Fathers house out in Brentwood to rent not so long back, I had to drive past the Aston Martin garage everyday as he lived within walking distance of it. And his initials were’s totally meant to be.  I took that as a sign that I was meant to have one and would salivate at the window of my car as I drove past them on the forecourt.

I can get an old, second hand one for £90k which is fine because it’s still beautiful and it’s a forever classic, but….it’s £90k and that’s a shit load of money to spend on a car, right? I can buy a flat for that and rent it out and earn an income.

Maybe that’s the answer – grow my property portfolio and become a property tycoon.  Writing isn’t going to earn me that kind of moolah unless I turn into JK Rowling but I’m not very good at Wizardry. If I was, guess what I’d be driving.

I can go and get a job at Aston Martin in the vain hope that I get one as a company car but I HIGHLY doubt that or I could stand around in Belgravia in a short skirt hoping one would stop, but..not my style and it’s not the tosser I’m after but the car.

“But Jules, it’s just a material object.”

“Errr…it’s an Aston Martin.”

“These things aren’t important.”

“I don’t think you heard me.”

“It’s just a car.”

“…..splutter…..we’re no longer friends.”

So, I’m looking for ingenious, outside the box, wily, cunning and intelligent thinking on how I can land an Aston Martin V12 Vantage S. I refuse to die until I have one.

Yeah….and back to reality.


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As Madonna sang it, You’re a material girl in a material world. But you’re not thinking this through. It’s not just the car, it’s the insurance. And the maintenance. And with your driving record, a V12 Vantage S (even with your hat) may point you out.

However you would look fabulous driving it and maybe that would make all the difference.

Yeah, but.. I’m not really…. When I get like this, I go and look up Buddhist quotes and remember that I don’t actually need anything (except for my camera and my laptop because they help execute the essence that is me) and I’m just happy to utilise money in travel and cultural experience (oh and maybe nice jackets, shoes, handbags and underwear but that’s allowed cos I’m female) but then I look at the Aston Martin and it’s just so beautiful….None of my friends get this. I don’t understand them at all, I mean this thing is an orgasm in motion. Fast cars and fighter jets…ugh.

You’re right though, I’d be banned from driving in a fortnight and wouldn’t be able to pay petrol prices and hideously extortionate insurance. I need a chauffeur. One who can drive like Bond but who is smart enough to realise that if he prangs my baby he’ll get my stiletto heel in his head.

I found a previously owned Vantage S (V-8 engine) for sale in the US for a bit under seventy-five thousand quid. I doubt that it comes with an ejection seat and all of the things that you’d want by way of ‘extra, added equipment’.

See, now that’s what I like about you, Larry, attention to detail. You’ve gone and found one. V8 is fine. Colour? Steering wheel on the wrong side or import? No matter, I’ve driven back to front on many occasions and if you drive with the French, you can drive anywhere.

Now then, obviously gadgets are a must. As follows:
cyanide darts, wheel spurs, high grade ammunition, rocket launcher, spy grade camera, inflatable, self ejecting body warmer (passenger side) ejector seat and parachute, oh…and a champagne cooler. That should cover the basics. So, can you sort it or do I have to have it shipped over to Q at MI6?

Believe it or not, I do have a guy who can do the mods. I don’t think that he’s ever done an injection seat. The question with that is do we want a rocket powered ejection seat or one that is powered by a 105mm howitzer round (no projectile, just the charge). You think that I jest, but both are viable. If it’s a passenger side ejection seat, no parachute is necessary… In the movie, 007 ejected. Maybe you need to ejection seats, one with a parachute and one without.

There is a white model and a midnight blue model, both under 4,000 miles. Steering is on the left side.

Or you can start with a new car.


…and we won’t install a champagne cooler. Vodka, yes, and a shaker, properly iced.

Silly me, we don’t of course. Absolut (ely) it has to be a vodka martini shaker. Perfect.

Oooh! Exciting. OK. I’m thinking Midnight Blue because its dark and mysterious and once night falls, you won’t see her coming. Definitely two ejection seats, the passenger side one to be rocket powered! (This to be immobilised if I’m not driving.) Parachute for the drivers side incase of emergency exit. Go get your guy…

My grandfather told me a limerick about your favorite car brand. I will share it here since it still echoes around in my skull from time to time.

There once was a man from Boston,
Who bought himself an Austin,
There was room for his ass,
His girl, and a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out, and he lost ’em.

Your Grandad is right up my street.

There once was a girl from GREAT Britain,
With a Vantage S she was smitten,
So she called for her James,
Who was out playing games,
And missed a sweet treat with his kitten.

Boom Boom!

Darling, if you keep Godfrey from annoying me until christmas, I’ll let you have one of mine.

Ha! Alrighty then, Kitty Kat totty. Tell me where he is and I’ll drug him, tie him up and duct tape him in an abandoned building and you’ve got yourself a deal.

JK Rowling has a flying car, i saw it in a movie once.

this is how my parents met:


Oh the classic DB5 – also a beauty, my sweet. JK Rowling has broomsticks and hasn’t the gumption, even with all her money, to go and get an Aston Martin. I’m disappointed.

If that chick was driving behind me like that she’d have ran off the cliff top. What a way to meet though. *)

If scruples ain’t your thing, I know a car park where there is an Aston Martin parked up, almost every day. Can you ‘hot wire’?

Scruples? what are they? Not in my vocab. I’ve also got a spare, personal plate I can swap.
How old is it? Got a phillips screwdriver I can borrow? Leave one under the near side tyre. Pliers too for stripping the wires if you would. I’ll leave you a twenty for your time. Good work, Masher now send me the coordinates..

Race it around the track and right out the exit. If this thing is as fast as they say it is, you’ve got yourself a new car. You can forget about being inconspicuous when picking up the groceries, though. It would really complete your look.

Can you really get a flat for £90k? I imagine it’s on the small side, no?

This is what I’m thinking, Mark. Want it back? Chase me.
I wouldn’t dare leave such a thing in Asda car park; some numpty would scratch it. I think it is definitely my missing accessory.

Probably not and if so it would be a one bed, above shop, shit hole. You can get a decent one for around £120k in a reasonable area. Depends where you live over here. The further south its stupid money and the further north much cheaper (area dependant)

The insurance might be a tad pricey too. Marry a rich bloke would be my advice…but make sure he includes the car in your dowry!

Oh yes, it is. Luxury don’t come cheap.

No, I shall not. I will never prostitute myself for an item. Besides, Ive been told many a time that I’m impossible or, the nicest version was “It’s like trying to hold the sun” to be with me. I use that line with anyone who thinks they want to be with me forever because, they won’t. I’ll just send them into despair.
And were I to meet a rich bloke with my dream car he’d probably think I owed him something and that would piss me off or he would be some pompous, full of shit arsehole. Or he wouldn’t let me drive it and I’d have to poison him in his sleep.

“It’s just a car.” That’s what people say who hug trees, claim they hate cars yet never say no when I offer them a ride home at the end of a party. Do you know the type?

Should I ever strike gold, you know I’ll get you that car, Jules.

Haha! Tree huggers with no wheels. Can’t they fly?

Awww, thank you, Blue. You know I won’t forget that right? 🙂

I know you won’t forget that. Nor will I.

🙂 Thank you (wishing like mad you are the euro-millions roll over sole winner)

This is all very shallow. Have you ever thought of giving to charity?

I assume you’re being facetious Bryan. Or perhaps just trolling because you have no big dream of your own to be working on.

Have you Bryan? If so I’m currently collecting for the JS, Advantage fund. Feel free to donate as much as you want! 🙂

Oh dear Brian, did you not know it’s rude to shatter a ladies dream, as I know Juliette and you obviously don’t, rest assured if she was in a position to own such a fine specimen of a beast of a car, she would certainly do her bit for Charity, I however have always said charity begins at home, and towards saving up for anything material and outrageous… See ya Brian…wouldn’t want to be ya, Brian!!!

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