Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On Wednesday!
As you can see above, I made myself a proper latte from the resident coffee machine and look what I got. What do you see? I know what I saw and promptly told everyone, “That looks like a great big pair of hanging…” Anyway, maybe it’s just the way I look at things but that just about sums it up on a wet, Wednesday morning.
Talking of wet….
Water Difference a Drink Makes
I hate water. I’m just not one of these people that can drink 8 pints of water a day when I can have vanilla flavoured coffee or a nice cup of tea. To me, it’s just as alien as those kind of people that get up at 6 am every day of the week and go on a 5-mile run. No.
However, what with my recent study on water (thanks to Gaia TV) and it frightening the crap out of me, I decided to give it another shot. I figured that if I livened it up a bit I might be able to manage a couple of glasses and then there will be no stopping me with my boundless, water fuelled energy. Just what everyone wants!
The Magic Wand
There’s a lot you can do with a cucumber and a bit of imagination.
Once, when grocery shopping with a friend, I noticed an unusually large and oddly shaped cucumber. I picked it up and wielding it ferociously in my hand, turned and yelled loudly, “A- HAAAAAAA!” to my pal behind me. Unfortunately, my friend had moved on and instead stood a trembling old lady clasping her chest. I had to apologise for ages and try not to get barred from the Co-Op.
Anyway, as it happens, I recently read a piece on the benefits of cucumus satisvus which was quite enlightening.
They contain every vitamin you need for the day.
They can stop your bathroom mirror fogging up.
They can stop slugs and snails coming into your garden but not drones.
If you rub them on wrinkles and cellulite it’s like an instant photoshop fix.
Eat it before bed? Wake up like Snow White.
Shiny shoes? Cucumber.
The list is endless.
It’s All Thanks To Godzilla
Because I make Kevin such tantalising dinners, it just so happened that I had a cucumber or two in stock and a readily available, recently planted, herb garden.
I know that it is quite astonishing that I am actually coming off as a sensible, well-meaning and practical person here. I have my moments.
How fortuitous that I was in the position to turn my water into life-giving, living liquid salad! I chucked a bit of cumber in and a bit of mint cos, well, I had some.
It’s Not All About the Length
I recently found the oddest spoon in one of my kitchen drawers. I don’t know how it got there or what it’s for but when I found out what it did I started taking it out with me to restaurants to annoy people. In fact, now I think about it, this is probably why I bought it in the first place.
Right now this looks like a normal spoon but you’d be severely mistaken.
This cunning little cutlerian is SPOONUS TELESCOPICUS!
Whip it out, steal the adjacent table’s pudding, whip it back in like Inspector Gadget and carry on like nothing ever happened!
Or, use it to stir your mighty jar of elixir. I knew it had its uses.
Water With Words
Not only should you filter, freeze and add vitality to your water but you might remember me saying that VSWS (very special water scientists) have proven that the structure of water changes if you write certain words on its container.
Oh, how the written word has power!
I have subconsciously been aware of this for many years. Once upon a time, during a trip to Valencia to visit my friend who taught English out there, we got hideously sidetracked, spent all night at a discotheca Española and were subject to far too many cut-price Sangria’s. The very next day I lay on a sunbed waiting to die. A couple of Belgian guys we’d made friends with walked past and asked me if I was OK.
“Ughhhh…mmm.” This was all I could manage without vomiting.
“You would like some water?,” one said in his sing-songy Belgian accent.
“You want it plain or you want water with music?”
Who knew Belgians could be so verbally romantic. Water with music? What is this? you may ask. Fizzy water, that’s what. But ever since that frightful day I have always referred to sparkling as “Water With Music” because I thought that was fabulous! And look what happened? I lived to tell the tale. Like I said, words have power.
So, I got a Sharpie and wrote key words on my container full of water with salady notes in order to enhance its structure.
I even went a step further and found a nearby trinket which I put on top.
And then I drank the magic within.
I waited all day to write my Whimsy on a wet Wednesday so I could bring you the results and am delighted to tell you that I have been uncharacteristically pleasant all day long.
You couldn’t make it up.