Cucumiformidable!

May 30, 2018 4:45pm Published by Jules Smith in Whimsy On A Wednesday 20 Comments

Frothy latte in mug

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On Wednesday!

As you can see above, I made myself a proper latte from the resident coffee machine and look what I got.  What do you see?  I know what I saw and promptly told everyone, “That looks like a great big pair of hanging…”  Anyway, maybe it’s just the way I look at things but that just about sums it up on a wet, Wednesday morning.

Talking of wet….

Water Difference a Drink Makes

I hate water.  I’m just not one of these people that can drink 8 pints of water a day when I can have vanilla flavoured coffee or a nice cup of tea.  To me, it’s just as alien as those kind of people that get up at 6 am every day of the week and go on a 5-mile run.  No.  

However,  what with my recent study on water (thanks to Gaia TV) and it frightening the crap out of me, I decided to give it another shot.  I figured that if I livened it up a bit I might be able to manage a couple of glasses and then there will be no stopping me with my boundless, water fuelled energy.  Just what everyone wants!

The Magic Wand

There’s a lot you can do with a cucumber and a bit of imagination.

Cucumber

Once, when grocery shopping with a friend, I noticed an unusually large and oddly shaped cucumber. I picked it up and wielding it ferociously in my hand, turned and yelled loudly,  “A- HAAAAAAA!” to my pal behind me. Unfortunately,  my friend had moved on and instead stood a trembling old lady clasping her chest.  I had to apologise for ages and try not to get barred from the Co-Op.

Anyway, as it happens, I recently read a piece on the benefits of cucumus satisvus which was quite enlightening.

They contain every vitamin you need for the day.

They can stop your bathroom mirror fogging up.

They can stop slugs and snails coming into your garden but not drones. 

If you rub them on wrinkles and cellulite it’s like an instant photoshop fix.

Eat it before bed? Wake up like Snow White.

Shiny shoes? Cucumber.

The list is endless.

It’s All Thanks To Godzilla

Uromastyx dinner

Because I make Kevin such tantalising dinners, it just so happened that I had a cucumber or two in stock and a readily available, recently planted, herb garden.

HERB GARDEN

I know that it is quite astonishing that I am actually coming off as a sensible, well-meaning and practical person here.  I have my moments. 

How fortuitous that I was in the position to turn my water into life-giving, living liquid salad! I chucked a bit of cumber in and a bit of mint cos, well, I had some. 

cucumber water in glass jar

It’s Not All About the Length 

I recently found the oddest spoon in one of my kitchen drawers.  I don’t know how it got there or what it’s for but when I found out what it did I started taking it out with me to restaurants to annoy people.  In fact, now I think about it, this is probably why I bought it in the first place.

spoon on chopping board

Right now this looks like a normal spoon but you’d be severely mistaken.

This cunning little cutlerian is  SPOONUS TELESCOPICUS!

Very long handled spoon

Whip it out, steal the adjacent table’s pudding, whip it back in like Inspector Gadget and carry on like nothing ever happened!

Or, use it to stir your mighty jar of elixir. I knew it had its uses.

Water With Words

Not only should you filter, freeze and add vitality to your water but you might remember me saying that VSWS (very special water scientists) have proven that the structure of water changes if you write certain words on its container. 

Oh, how the written word has power!

I have subconsciously been aware of this for many years.  Once upon a time, during a trip to Valencia to visit my friend who taught English out there, we got hideously sidetracked, spent all night at a discotheca Española and were subject to far too many cut-price Sangria’s.  The very next day I lay on a sunbed waiting to die. A couple of Belgian guys we’d made friends with walked past and asked me if I was OK.

“Ughhhh…mmm.” This was all I could manage without vomiting.

“You would like some water?,” one said in his sing-songy Belgian accent.

“Mmm.”

“You want it plain or you want water with music?”

Who knew Belgians could be so verbally romantic.  Water with music?  What is this? you may ask. Fizzy water, that’s what. But ever since that frightful day I have always referred to sparkling as “Water With Music” because I thought that was fabulous!  And look what happened?  I lived to tell the tale. Like I said, words have power.

So, I got a Sharpie and wrote key words on my container full of water with salady notes in order to enhance its structure.

words on container of water for health

I even went a step further and found a nearby trinket which I put on top.

happy stone

And then I drank the magic within.

I waited all day to write my Whimsy on a wet Wednesday so I could bring you the results and am delighted to tell you that I have been uncharacteristically pleasant all day long. 

I know.

Miraculous.

You couldn’t make it up.

 

20 Comments

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Try adding some mint leaves 👍
(Kevin may enjoy that as well 🦎)

Meantime…that spoon looks like just the right utensil for making a root beer float in a foutain glass 😝
– TC

TC, you are GENIUS! A root beer! I forgot about those! I LOVE them! Right, new mission! 🙂

Kevin is smiling. 🙂

Goodness I can’t believe anything made you pleasant all day! Please market this so I can offer to those who irritate me on my journey through life. You’ve inspired me to try this you trendsetter

I think there’s a market for this but I really don’t need any more “ideas” I’m trying to learn that not everything I do has to be turned into a financial opportunity. That’s called growth. Or it’s called cucumbersome projects are a thing of the past. Anyway, you’re very welcome to anoint people with it and I shall bring some round.

I see whimsy has returned with attitude and cucumber slices! Bravo!!

Ha! Yes, it doesn’t pay to leave me. Life is so boring thereafter! ;P

Your cucumber in the Co-Op tale reminded me of something similar that happened to me in Sainsbury’s.
Rummaging through the root vegetables, I found an impressively-sized, phallic-looking carrot. I hoisted it aloft and shouted “Whey-Hey!”at Mrs Masher, across the aisle. Sensibly, she ignored me, but I did get a smile and a nod from a very prim looking lady as she walked past with her basket.

We are as one, Masher! Imagine if we’d done that at the same time in the same shop? That would have been entertaining!
Maybe it’s a Brit thing.

no no, angelwings, angelwings. tho now that you mention Wet Wednesday I am thinking about my local weather girl Gina De Vecchio…

yeah it’s weird for me, too. I’ve in the past wholeheartedly and without sarcasm truly tried to do the 8-waters-a-day thing. but my health kick kicked me in the stomach. my body rejects plain water. it has to be flavored in some way. my stomach is a permanent cesspool. like with some good hearty ol’ fashioned Lipton ice tea mix……or some “iced-tea mix” powder

“Cucumber comparison is the thief of joy…”

every night before sleep I place two crisp cut cucumbers over my eyelids. by osmosis that counts as having a salad a day, aye? right?

that’s the spoon you use when you need to borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbor but you hate your neighbor

the Stones! don’t drink the water! it will give you magic powers! the magic powers may seem cool at first but they come from a weird place…

*)

Yes, yes, Angel Wings! You can’t beat Carol from the BBC. Except when she says it’s going to rain. Carol is the mother of weather.

I’m now on lemon and orange water which I have named “Zest for best” I am currently alternating a glass of this with a mochalattecino. The latter is winning.

Aye, that counts, my sweet!

Yes but imagine me with magic powers AND a telescopic spoon! And a baby Godzilla! Someone ring Stan Lee! *)

Dear Julesy, I have a question.
Your foto of the cucmber….the label says “British Whole Cucumber”.
Is there a difference in British wholes, and ‘Merican wholes ? Or any other nation’s wholes ?
Thanks in advance,
~PPS

There’s a massive difference, PPS. British “Wholes” are much smaller, so I ‘ve heard. I’ve seen some of your farmers’ wholes at market and they made me drop my jaw, they so did! OOH -ERR!

Also, just in case the British public weren’ too savvy on their ‘cumbers, the shop has to specify that this is, in fact, a whole and not a half because some folks are downright stupid. 🙂

Some say that cucumbers are substitutes for other things. I really wouldn’t know, couldn’t say. BUT who can argue that eating one before you turn in for the night is a good thing?

You’d be surprised what a cucumber can do, Larry.

Having one before bed cures a manner of ills, allegedly.

LL makes an excellent point. And I have to admit that the SPOON is pretty special, does this argue in favor of BREXIT?

Yes, please.

#FreeTommy

LL, always makes an excellent point, LSP because he is “The White Wolf.”

I don’t even think Spoonus Telescopicus can free Tommy. That’s a whole other story made for political blogs. It can, however, steal fodder. #FreeFood

Behold the POWER of the SPOON.

OH YES!!!

LOL!!! Okay, so I admit, I drink about 100 oz of water a day, but that’s partially because I’m nursing. Kind of necessary. But cucumbers? You can stab that spoon through my chest first. Gah! The antithesis of my existence. I’ll get my vitamins from elsewhere, thank you. Maybe a lovely block of cheese labeled “miracle cheese.” 😉

I totally get the cheese thing, Crystal. I’d take that over cucumber any day of the week! 🙂

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